All I Want.

I've got a couple things on my mind. Just the little, simple thoughts of peace, resourcefulness and the early throws of marriage.

In no particular order let's discuss resourcefulness. Being resourceful is something I learned most quickly in my outdoor pursuits. Whether it was leading canoe trips and mending broken paddles or playing sports and getting creative keeping goals out of nets the resourcefulness that my early life was saturated with has served me well in later years. It was one of the key strengths that has got me through my MBA, living in many different cities, travelling the world and getting shit done at the office. It is something I place a great amount of value on both for myself and those I surround myself with. I am not impressed with those who don't see constraints as just a jumping off point, a box to look outside of, a challenge to make the game more fun. Seriously though, I have taken the last 2 weeks off work like a jerk, you know, just getting married, seeing a home I rarely get to spend time in and travelling by plane and car... a lot. Understanding I have responsibilities at the office I left a detailed contact list in case anything has come up. Being a specialist there isn't really anything that I should be needed for when away that someone else can't (at least temporarily) provide a answer or solution to. This has not been my experience over the past week or so. Though I can do nothing to resolve the issue at hand that the person with said-issue can not do themselves, especially not until I am back in the office until Monday, they continue to reach out instead of getting resourceful and at the very least take my suggestions of who to talk to who might actually be able to help. Not only am I bothered as this infringes on the sacred time I have cut out of my life to spend with my new husband but because I am distinctly disappointed in the lack of resourcefulness of this young leader. I am not simply annoyed but also concerned for their ability to perform in their future. I would like to brush it off and tell you I won't think about it until Monday but let's be honest, this will likely keep my up or at least infiltrate my thoughts over the next few days. Worst.

Next, the thing I learned about the final days of planning a wedding is to enjoy it, not worry if you forget to put out the extra lanterns or fancy lights or the stereo doesn't work during cocktail hour. I was spoiled and got married twice in the last 2 weeks. Each was remarkably different but the common themes were the amazing love that we were shown and felt, that there was great food at both and that people had a blast. Now that we have been married spiritually for 2 weeks and legally for a week life is sweet. I feel like I am just starting something big, I want to clean our home, make a nest, set some badass goals and plan the next big trip... while we take it easy for a while. I feel more smitten than I thought possible. A quiet glowing affection like a perfectly stoked fire in a deeply warm hearth. I always felt most like myself around G than anyone else but over the past few weeks I feel even more so, if that's possible. I laugh more quickly, don't hold back, ask for everything I want. It is beautiful and pure. While our wedding days were some of the best of my life, stunning and perfect in more ways than I could imagine, these first days of married life are even better.

Last but not least, peace. I am at home in small towns nestled in nature. My heart is happiest when I can swim in a clear lake, my head full of nothing but the sweet air, soft sounds and coolness radiating from my body. My soul thrives near the trees where people are happy and friendly... and there aren't too many of them. Where food comes from the same earth the people do and the animals, fish and vegetables lived happy lives. I am happiest when I am grounded and free. Light with sun and clean air and fresh oxygen straight from the forest.  Heavy, rooted in the  mountains and dark with the lakes. I have had 10 days of this. Coming back to the city gives me mixed feelings. Our apartment feels like a little nest, like the ospreys near my folks' place we are up high with a view of the lake. But driving downtown, with the masses of people, unsmiling, rushed, I nearly panicked. Even now I can feel my heart racing in my chest where it was still days ago. I miss the peace. I miss the stillness. I miss the sounds of everything else besides the traffic and the voices and the human drone.

So that's it. All I want is to be married, kick start the next step, and be surrounded by resourceful humans in nature. Is that too much to ask?

Starting Again

I should be doing work. Oh god, I should be planning the details of at least one of the two weddings we're having this summer. Seriously, at the very least I should be pricing out movers and packing up our tiny condo in preparation for moving next month. No, I really should be working.

I shouldn't be eating shawarma on the couch writing this. But it's been too long and I can't help it. I need to write and because the universe has been giving me sign after sign that I have ignored it all came to a head today and I feel I have nothing else to do but get back into the practice of putting words down here.

Life is crazy right now. Like it was 3 or 4 years ago when we were in the throws of applying for and completing our MBA . Like it is for so many people in this city, country and across the world. Probably more busy and stressful than it is for me but that's not the point of this ramble. The fact is that it is when I have the least time, the least motivation to do that which inspires and energizes me that is when I need this the most, when I need to write to understand, feel gratitude for what I have in my life and when I need to look deeper at the everyday to find the extraordinary, the beauty in the everything.

It's not the same as it used to be. I'm not sure whether it is a difference of physical place that holds me back or a lack of control in my life that stops me from being vulnerable. All I know is that usually I am inspired and motivated most when I am standing in nothing. It is when everything is up in the air that I am the most grounded. Knowing this and feeling neither grounded or free I know I have to work at that which fills the gap, sort of a fake it till I make it type game plan. Too much seems at risk right now and so instead of waiting to until it all shifts the other direction I need to get back to the practice. It's my mat that takes me home, writing that helps make sense of the chaos and my camera that helps me filter the world.

Change & Breath

It has been said that there are only two constants in life: change & breath. Change is, like it or not, most often out of our control where as our breath is almost always with in it. I feel like the vast majority of my posts are about change. For a stubborn prairie girl thinking of change as a constant makes it the norm, makes it grounded and stable. The seasons rotate through their cycles, the skies change from grey chinook arch to cerulean sky and back again. No day, no month, no year is the same and yet it is predictable that this will be the case, always.

I have a checklist of change that I go through when tallying the year. How many cities have I lived in:   looks like 5 in 4 years if everything pans out, how many organizations have I held roles in: 3 in 3 years - contracts included of course!, how many addresses: 6 since 2011. This doesn't take into account degrees, courses, relationships, friendships and everything else that makes this worth it. Change happens all the time, more often than I think any of us would like to admit. There have been times where I've resisted it, handled it badly or worse, pretended it wasn't happening. This had caused me anxiety, stress and sometimes just inertia. It's never been productive and seems to just delay the change and the benefits that come from it but never really helps elevate any of the feelings of misgiving.

Danielle LaPorte says "it is better if you enjoy it" this goes for money, sex, work, and anything else life throws at you. She also says "it's all energy". This resonates with me in the way that some of my other life training has. Where Landmark says "life is meaningless and empty" and that you get to decide what and how things have meaning, yogic texts discuss non-attachment, to me "it's all energy" serves the same purpose. No matter what change comes into our lives it is all just energy and it is how we choose to interpret that energy, how it serves us, that is the real outcome. Change is going to happen, sometimes it will be all consuming and sometimes it will be the seemingly insignificant things that add up or hit us when we least expect them to, but it is always there. I am nervous and excited for the upcoming changes in my life, a new role, new organization, maybe new place to live, and this time I am going to like by Danielle's words and breathe.

The Magic Recipe

So much of my day is spent talking about, reading about, thinking about what is the magic recipe that makes a human successful, a leader, someone worth investing in so they can one day head up one of the great Canadian financial institutions. What combinations of capabilities, behaviours, attributes makes someone a great leader of business? How do we know if we have picked the right ones, identified the right high potential folks, decided on the right vendors, programs or an innumerable combinations of other factors?

It is a science and an art to define what success is, how to get there and who might be harbouring that potential. When asked for the definition of leadership I am guessing there are very few answers that will be identical. The process of trying to get it right is starting to feel a bit clinical. It's really made me think that maybe at the end of the day we all want the same thing. To be happy, to feel like we're making an impact, to be progressing in something we care about. Cultural fit, family, partner, experience, community, they all define what it means for someone to be successful and to be a leader. I don't want someone defining my potential, career path or what I need to do to make myself enough.  I am happy to do all of that on my own, with the input of those who I respect and know care about me, those who give feedback from a place of love. Perhaps it is my "don't tell me what to do" attitude but I think that empowering and engaging might just be the key to creating leaders in everyone an organization touches. 

The Road Back Home

It came in the mail today. Like every other book this one could be the one that changes it all. Or just changes one tiny thing that I'll never forget.

For a while I gave up on books, originally it was just physical copies and I would fill my iPad with e-books like it was my job. Mind you I was travelling a lot more, packing light and all that. Then I just stopped buying them all together, they were a luxury I couldn't fit into my budget. But in the last few weeks it's back. While most of my library lives across the country, a byproduct of the whole 4 cities in 5 years thing, I want to build a new one here and got back at it. The first of the dozen new books came tonight and it's a juicy one. The Desire Map by Danielle LaPort is something I've wanted to pick up for a while. A fresh take on goal setting.

Funny enough a lot of the person who I was is showing up again. The person I was when it was really good. When I was ballsy and felt like a rock star. When I made choices and stuck to them, as long as the felt right. When I did things that aligned with my values, not because someone said I should, because someone said it would be good for my career, a good grown up decision. I am sick of feeling like a fraud, like I have to work so hard at being someone else everyday that when I get home I am exhausted. I am finally breaking and it is amazing.

Like building a library I am also reaching to set new goals, to hit my mat, to laugh and drink wine and take chances, I am beginning to see that the universe is conspiring in my favour but it's not going to wait around forever. Now is the time to get back to being the girl who inspired others, who led with integrity, who had so much damn fun that sometimes she was hungover on a weekday.

So I won't say here's to new beginnings because I don't need to go somewhere else or find something out there, I will say, here's to taking the road back home, to where I know I've been before. 

Luon is my power suit

My downdogs are so strong. Like shockingly so. I am bouncy on my mat. My practice has a playfulness I was surprised by.  It's rad.

Being back on a mat in a hot room and outside of my restorative & yin practice was a wonderful chance to glimpse who I've been and who I am becoming come together.  My day started much like it used to. Get up, no makeup, hair in a top knot. Stretchy pants pulled over bare heels, racer back over sports bra, loopy scarf and flip flops. Grab a coffee from a cute independent cafe. Read something about leadership or personal development. Check some emails. Same old and I loooove the way it felt. My power suit definitely involved luon and, sometimes, denim. No high heels. But what perhaps surprised me more is that this deeply rooted feeling of "home" coupled nicely with the new strength I've been building over the past 8 months. Lifting at the gym has given me something new, a power that let the little things I used I struggle with in yoga drip away and a new confidence in my ability to get it done that let me truly play in class today.

It's funny to me how these simple things actually illuminate how I am struggling with change these days, I am not quite ready to admit that for me, constant change is my normal. Today helped. I am reminded that my values and what serves me are crucially important in my success and ability to inspire and impact others. Sometimes all it takes is marrying the new with the old.

Stop.

It's hard to say when I stopped noticing. Everything had changed. I had become used to trying to fit a mold that, best as I try, I will never fit. It's happened before when being put down and shut down for what I know to be strengths of mine overshadowed my self awareness and I became complacent, started to believe I'm not enough. Then, as always someone or something from the real world comes knocks on the door and me out of my stupor and I can see clearly that the quirks that make me up, the random assortment of experiences are not only valuable but a differentiator in a tough market. For some reason I can fall prey to listening to the voice of one, how ever strong, over the voice of many, including my own. Well this has to stop.