We Can't Fight Gravity on a Planet That Insists

Well. This is almost it. Last MBA exam, complete. Last MBA class, finished. Just 3 papers and one presentation between me and the vast unknown.

I'm not sure whether I am in mourning over the passing of something so poignant, so wonderful, so beyond everything I had expected of it, or simply relieved, relieved to have my time and energy my own again (soon). In some ways I am excited for what comes next because for me it may mean new cities and jobs and communities. A whole new life. I am also nervous. Nervous about the compromise I will inevitably have to make to balance having a dream job, money to pay off looming student loans, the relationship I'v been waiting 7 months to be part of, and to be in a city that inspires me. It seems unlikely that I can have it all, and why should I be so lucky? My selfishness is a thirst I can't seem to quench.

With all this being said and done these last few days are something special. I am no longer the girl who nervously entered a program she felt she didn't belong in 16 short months ago. I am no longer the one who refuses to show weakness or vulnerability for fear I may get attached, get close, or worse someone would figure out I was just a girl who sold stretchy pants and had an archaeology degree, that I wasn't cut out for business school. It is not just my confidence that has come leaps and bounds in the last year and a half but also my capacity to get shit done. My skill set and tool box are far greater than they were when I moved to Vancouver and so are the friendships that I have made, or developed. I think by far the greatest change has come from within though. My sense of self is far greater than it has ever been. While no where near perfect, I have a better understanding of my strengths, I am no longer paralyzed by vulnerability, I am open to failure and excited by the opportunities to improve.

I don't believe it is a coincidence that my last class of the program was Leadership. This morning exemplifed what we have learned over the past year and a half. It was a recognition not of who we were but of who we are bound to become. To be honest I think that's what we all need right now. It was lesson in the people we are surrounded by and what we have been for each other. It was also a wonderful opportunity to discover what we would all really do if money, fear, and time were no object.   And we drank prosecco so that was nice.

While it's not quite over yet it is definitely the beginning of the very end and something that may take a little getting used to.  I am sure it will hit home harder as the week goes on and the unknown of what will I do, where will I live, and how will get a tiny bit closer to being figured out. 

Right now.

I feel my current and future life split into 3. The right now, the "holidays" and the beyond, the next great steps. There is always something going on, always change on the horizon but now more than usual it seems to surround me with no great hope of letting up for the foreseeable future. This is both wonderfully excited and paralyzingly terrifying.

The right now is really the next 3 weeks. My wonderful 16 months as a master student is about to end and my mind on the matter is split between a (conscious procrastination and) deliberate excavation of the pile of work due between now and then, and a bittersweet feeling that this is the end of an era, my favourite of my short life thus far. I am caught between trying to take advantage of each moment of socialization with my classmates and MBA family and to getting down to business, organizing and completing my lengthy list of to dos.   To be fair, this is the life section that causes me next to no stress, I am just trying to soak up the learning and love, it is no battle between hard places but just a whole bunch of good that I am trying to soak up and fit all in! God it's been good!

The "holidays" comes in quotations because I also fondly think of it as the in-between, the-job-and-apartment-hunt, the-travel-extravaganza, and the ski-and-eat-all-the-turkey time! It is the funny time between the end of something big and the start of something bigger. Though I tend to dread the frustration of the times "in between", I am looking forward to the down time, the focused but leisurely organize my life time, and the time to gather up my life here in Vancouver and head East. I am particularly looking forward to two weeks of whirlwind European adventure with my favourite human and then loads of family bonding in Nelson. I am not sure what will come of all this free time I am not used to but I do know it will probably be my last for a while so I better take advantage of all of it.

The beyond looms closer and I feel unprepared as I always do before a big leap, as we all must I can imagine. I am stressing about the move, about making a home, finding and connecting with a community, perhaps most importantly finding a job I like and can excel at. Life is about to change dramatically from that of a student, a big fish in a small but very very fun pond, to being one of  more than two and half million people. In a city that I long refused to even step foot in but over the past year have fallen head over heels for. If only it will do the same back. I know this is the right direction and that decisions like these rarely fall at a time in my life where I am finically over prepared, and I seem to be creating a trend of moving to cold places in the dead of winter. This all being said, and nerves aside, I am chomping at the bit to start something new, to nurture the relationships I have with friends and family who I spend far less time with that I would like to. I am excited to start fresh, again.

These transitions are inevitable though, and what make us young and vibrant and intelligent. Change and personal growth are crucial and the end of something comfortable must happen to make space for the new and bold, this is always the case. So the only comfort one can take is to make the most of the process and perhaps gain perspective where possible. This of course is easier said than done. It always is.