Spring.

Stating that spring is a time for renewal is rather redundant in my mind. Yes we've all heard it before and it is evident as our grass turns from brown to green (those of us outside coastal BC anyway) and our trees begin to regain their foliage. Even with this widespread understanding of seasonal changes I would like to make note of it all the same.

I didn't get more than a block from my tiny basement nest this morning when I was struck with a smile, I love this city. I was saturated with the sun on my face, warming my cheeks and inciting the need to unzip my light jacket. Shop doors were invitingly open and people were walking their pups in abundance this morning. The grittiness of my neighbourhood seemed to glisten a little brighter under the blue sky. It may go without saying, vitamin D is good for our souls and for our communities. It seems to re-inspire optimism and smiling. This is reflected in my life right now for I, like so many of my classmates, am on the verge of starting a whole new part of my life.  A new job, hopefully soonish, a new roommate, and new friends. It makes me all the more excited for summer.

To The Hunt.

I shy away from using the word authenticity more than than I absolutely have to. Like any word that is heard too many times in a day it loses meaning or that meaning shifts to something other than what it was intended to be. I went through a period when the word authenticity was used as a battering ram for another agenda and so to me it can still seem abrasive and laking genuineness. All this being said at the heart of it, authenticity is being yourself, letting go of your ego and having the courage to be imperfect and vulnerable. I find that this gives me strength. Job hunting is the perfect test of checking my ego. I easily get caught up in trying to look or sound like the role spec, my brain fluctuates between overestimating my worth and underestimating my value, it has been a little hard on my little heart. The thing is one of my greatest strengths is fortitude. I tend to fight hardest, grow the most when I'm backed into a corner or the small stuff is just too much to sweat anymore and all that is left are the big things. Being challenged gets my blood racing and my mind excited. It strips away all the bullshit and all that is left is what happened, no ego, imperfect, vulnerable, and authentic.

So why this now? Well it's becoming a trend. The situations (read: interviews, meetings, presentations, life events) in which I have given myself no other option than to be myself, the version who is full of fortitude and not full of crap are the ones I have enjoyed the most and have given me the widest glimpses of who I am becoming. These are the moments where there are only two options, to fight, perform, and not be someone/something else or to fail.

This is all something I have to remind myself of these days. To let go of what I think others want and to just be who I am. I can't change what is in my past and I am proud of my accomplishments and skills. I may not be an excel or software wizard (YET!) and I can't alter the fact that I am only 27 but I can remember why I am here and that each interview, each resume, each meeting will not be the last and that if they don't think I am fit for a role or an organization then I am probably not and neither of us would be happy. I respect those doing the hiring enough to know that it is not personal. Well it kind of is but not in an offensive way. Long story short (sorry I had to give the long version first...) many of the people I love are going through some version of this right now and it sucks and it is hard but we all need to focus a little more on our greatness and seek out those opportunities that we may not be told are befitting of all our "MBA Glory" (this is not a real thing by the way, we just had more fun than everyone else for a year and a half). Hustle. Lose the ego. Pursue what you really want.

Back to the hunt.

Times they are a changing... but isn't that always the way?

Taking the streetcar home from a meeting downtown today I noticed something. Change was everywhere.

My end of Queen Street seems to be changing at an alarming rate, even since moving here only a month and a half ago. Little diners and tiny antique shops closing down, new galleries and restaurants opening. Like the changing tides or the migration of the geese across the prairies home from their southern winters. It is in the air. It is just another reflection of the seemingly relentless pace that change has struck in my life. And it fills me with freshness, with uncertainty, and with a rising hope that this will all manifest into something beautiful.

I feel change must be the underlying thread that has tied this blog together across three provinces, three years and countless experiences. While the homes and jobs and people have come and gone the only constant remains the change that is ever present in my, and all of our, lives. It was only a few short months ago that I felt at the top of my game, relevant, bursting with knowledge and expectations, ready to put it all to use and to make an impact. The past week or so I have felt that this is just isn't the case until I was reminded so very clearly that I was in just this place almost exactly two years ago, full of uncertainty that my life so far would entice the nice MBA admissions offices of western Canada to accept me into their programs, even more uncertain if I would survive the course work, schedule and perhaps worst of all... the dreaded business students. Turns out I could, and my fellow classmates were the best. Yeah it was tough, yeah I had to fake it, a lot, until I made it, but I did. Make it that is. And the same thing will happen this time.

So to add a little positivity in what seems to be a little grey post, this morning I figured it out. The process is 2 fold.

1) Give yourself permissions to fail. My favourite storyteller Brené Brown had a nice little blog post about this today and it inspired me in my meeting to let myself get excited, to let myself be nervous, to let myself connect and to let myself get things wrong, or to just not know. By allowing myself the right to not be perfect I created the space to just show up and be me. While this is DEFINITLY not perfect it is a whole lot better than the sweaty nervous mess that may otherwise show up and for some reason this process just allowed me to let go of my exceptions. In this world of rapid transformation stressing about expectations seems a bit like a waste of time.

2) Honey Badger Up. Also called Cowboying Up, Cowgirling up or what ever your older sibling told you to do when you being a baby about something. Sometimes you just need to know yourself, why you are great and let the other 'imperfections' go. The honey badger doesn't care and I realized neither should I. So far in this crazy job hunting process the only interview I have been asked to was at the company for which I included the line "please feel free to contact me if you have any questions regarding my resume, cover letter or my thoughts on any of life's great mysteries" in my application, in other words, showed a little of who I really am. Similarly I had a meeting last week for which I was extremely nervous and I did not play up my strengths but simply allowed the person on the other end of the phone to drive home how my areas of opportunity, very developable I might add, were going to keep me out of working in my chosen field in her industry. Today was night and day. Same industry, different organization, a little honey badger and a totally different result. Connecting is what I am great at, why should I not embrace that? Why should I not let people know.

So how does this all tie together as Toronto transitions from winter to spring? Authenticity is essential to our survival. It is by being who we are and embracing our pasts and the visions we hold for the future that will lead us where we are truly meant to go. The life I lead today is in not one single way the way I expected it to turn out. Had you asked me at 25 what 27 year old Julia would be doing it would involve the other side of the country, probably selling stretchy pants and people development (an admirable job by the way), and 6 years of work experience with the same company. What it looks like now? Long hours at coffee shops. An MBA. Amazing friends literally all over the world. It looks like Queen West and streetcars. It looks like being with someone amazing... who can't ski.  Like the shop owners past and present there is a time for everything and nothing is as permanent and in this world of inevitable change what will define us is how we embrace it.