To The Hunt.

I shy away from using the word authenticity more than than I absolutely have to. Like any word that is heard too many times in a day it loses meaning or that meaning shifts to something other than what it was intended to be. I went through a period when the word authenticity was used as a battering ram for another agenda and so to me it can still seem abrasive and laking genuineness. All this being said at the heart of it, authenticity is being yourself, letting go of your ego and having the courage to be imperfect and vulnerable. I find that this gives me strength. Job hunting is the perfect test of checking my ego. I easily get caught up in trying to look or sound like the role spec, my brain fluctuates between overestimating my worth and underestimating my value, it has been a little hard on my little heart. The thing is one of my greatest strengths is fortitude. I tend to fight hardest, grow the most when I'm backed into a corner or the small stuff is just too much to sweat anymore and all that is left are the big things. Being challenged gets my blood racing and my mind excited. It strips away all the bullshit and all that is left is what happened, no ego, imperfect, vulnerable, and authentic.

So why this now? Well it's becoming a trend. The situations (read: interviews, meetings, presentations, life events) in which I have given myself no other option than to be myself, the version who is full of fortitude and not full of crap are the ones I have enjoyed the most and have given me the widest glimpses of who I am becoming. These are the moments where there are only two options, to fight, perform, and not be someone/something else or to fail.

This is all something I have to remind myself of these days. To let go of what I think others want and to just be who I am. I can't change what is in my past and I am proud of my accomplishments and skills. I may not be an excel or software wizard (YET!) and I can't alter the fact that I am only 27 but I can remember why I am here and that each interview, each resume, each meeting will not be the last and that if they don't think I am fit for a role or an organization then I am probably not and neither of us would be happy. I respect those doing the hiring enough to know that it is not personal. Well it kind of is but not in an offensive way. Long story short (sorry I had to give the long version first...) many of the people I love are going through some version of this right now and it sucks and it is hard but we all need to focus a little more on our greatness and seek out those opportunities that we may not be told are befitting of all our "MBA Glory" (this is not a real thing by the way, we just had more fun than everyone else for a year and a half). Hustle. Lose the ego. Pursue what you really want.

Back to the hunt.

Times they are a changing... but isn't that always the way?

Taking the streetcar home from a meeting downtown today I noticed something. Change was everywhere.

My end of Queen Street seems to be changing at an alarming rate, even since moving here only a month and a half ago. Little diners and tiny antique shops closing down, new galleries and restaurants opening. Like the changing tides or the migration of the geese across the prairies home from their southern winters. It is in the air. It is just another reflection of the seemingly relentless pace that change has struck in my life. And it fills me with freshness, with uncertainty, and with a rising hope that this will all manifest into something beautiful.

I feel change must be the underlying thread that has tied this blog together across three provinces, three years and countless experiences. While the homes and jobs and people have come and gone the only constant remains the change that is ever present in my, and all of our, lives. It was only a few short months ago that I felt at the top of my game, relevant, bursting with knowledge and expectations, ready to put it all to use and to make an impact. The past week or so I have felt that this is just isn't the case until I was reminded so very clearly that I was in just this place almost exactly two years ago, full of uncertainty that my life so far would entice the nice MBA admissions offices of western Canada to accept me into their programs, even more uncertain if I would survive the course work, schedule and perhaps worst of all... the dreaded business students. Turns out I could, and my fellow classmates were the best. Yeah it was tough, yeah I had to fake it, a lot, until I made it, but I did. Make it that is. And the same thing will happen this time.

So to add a little positivity in what seems to be a little grey post, this morning I figured it out. The process is 2 fold.

1) Give yourself permissions to fail. My favourite storyteller Brené Brown had a nice little blog post about this today and it inspired me in my meeting to let myself get excited, to let myself be nervous, to let myself connect and to let myself get things wrong, or to just not know. By allowing myself the right to not be perfect I created the space to just show up and be me. While this is DEFINITLY not perfect it is a whole lot better than the sweaty nervous mess that may otherwise show up and for some reason this process just allowed me to let go of my exceptions. In this world of rapid transformation stressing about expectations seems a bit like a waste of time.

2) Honey Badger Up. Also called Cowboying Up, Cowgirling up or what ever your older sibling told you to do when you being a baby about something. Sometimes you just need to know yourself, why you are great and let the other 'imperfections' go. The honey badger doesn't care and I realized neither should I. So far in this crazy job hunting process the only interview I have been asked to was at the company for which I included the line "please feel free to contact me if you have any questions regarding my resume, cover letter or my thoughts on any of life's great mysteries" in my application, in other words, showed a little of who I really am. Similarly I had a meeting last week for which I was extremely nervous and I did not play up my strengths but simply allowed the person on the other end of the phone to drive home how my areas of opportunity, very developable I might add, were going to keep me out of working in my chosen field in her industry. Today was night and day. Same industry, different organization, a little honey badger and a totally different result. Connecting is what I am great at, why should I not embrace that? Why should I not let people know.

So how does this all tie together as Toronto transitions from winter to spring? Authenticity is essential to our survival. It is by being who we are and embracing our pasts and the visions we hold for the future that will lead us where we are truly meant to go. The life I lead today is in not one single way the way I expected it to turn out. Had you asked me at 25 what 27 year old Julia would be doing it would involve the other side of the country, probably selling stretchy pants and people development (an admirable job by the way), and 6 years of work experience with the same company. What it looks like now? Long hours at coffee shops. An MBA. Amazing friends literally all over the world. It looks like Queen West and streetcars. It looks like being with someone amazing... who can't ski.  Like the shop owners past and present there is a time for everything and nothing is as permanent and in this world of inevitable change what will define us is how we embrace it.

A little grace.

Between the perspective that a new city, new friends, and new family provides I am a little overwhelmed with the hyper saturation going on in my life. It is the presence that seeing almost everything for the first time provides and is something that I have long needed in my life. Also it is humbling. I am not one for homesickness or someone who balks at being in new spaces, or just a face in the crowd but this is different. This is a big city. My parents are a two day trip away and my friends, nearly a thousand dollar flight. This isolation, this break from my life of less than a month ago, is both liberating and a little disconcerting but living alone, for the most part, and in a new community has given me back more than it has taken away. I am gaining a little compassion that I feel I may have left on the prairies when I moved West all those months ago.

It pains me to say that I have been a little jealous over the past few years of those who are following paths that make use of all their wonderful gifts, gifts that I feel I posses but have put on the back burner. I have been reading Brené Brown's most recent book, in pieces and snippets i might add, but I recently realized that these feelings I've had come from vulnerability and in my case being at odds with it. It takes immense grace to pursue what you love, especially when the financial rewards may be less, considerably so in some cases, and you may fear what others might say about you, about your job and the validity of it as a life long career.  It takes balls to go out on your own, to hustle, and to pick yourself up after you fail in pursuit of something bigger than yourself. So now, when I feel any resentment or judgement rising up in me I am committed to reaching out and supporting others. In part because they truly deserve it, in part because it is the right thing to do, and a little bit because right now, I desperately need that support too. Unemployment isn't as flattering as one may hope. 

Big City. Big Love.

Sigh, I have a new love in my life. Like any budding romance it is full of long walks and sweet dates. Everything has a glow about it. Things that were once mundane and ordinary have a brilliance about them. The everyday is filled with beauty.

Moving somewhere that I had once only responded to with 'NEVER' seemed like a surprise to many in my life. Prairie Girl, Mountain Girl, Ocean Girl...in the big city? It seemed impossible if not something out of myth. Who would have ever guessed? Like much in my life in the past 2 years it came from an openness, a giving up of what I thought my life would be like and a pursuit of all that 'feels right'. This has made all the difference.

So Toronto. I am sorry that I am not sorry to say it fills my heart. The light pulls at me like it did on a sunny winter prairie afternoon. The people are friendlier, more open, more polite, and generally easier to be around than their best-coast counterparts. The snowy roads and tiny cafes fill the places where community had been missing for the past 2 years. Even my body is physically reacting to the better fit. Maybe it's the kilometres I've been walking in double digits, maybe the vitamin D I'm getting from someplace other than a capsule, maybe it's having the energy to put love into what I cook, and it probably has to do with living closer to the person who makes it easy to be happy.

I also feel inspired and motivated for the first time in what feels like forever, the numbness melting away, out of my damp bones, healed by the sun and vibrancy of the city. I want to take pictures, I want to write, I want to pursue what I have been putting off.

All this is not to say I will ever forget where I am from. I will never. I am a creature put together with shale and black, rich soil, with ocean smoothed stone and salt spray. I am of the west and will always have a soul that is pulled with the pacific tides, that aches when the avalanches tumble down the Rockies, that knows the sweet smell of a chinook wind across wheat fields. It is history of this place and the communities and the way I just seem to fit here that will keep me rooted east for a while. Maybe it's the contrast that sharpens my love for this place.

So to new beginnings, to new loves.

Every Time.

At first I blamed this insomnia on everything I could. Backlit screens before bed, my wayward cup of tea too late after dinner, jobs I didn't yet have, things I couldn't control. I have spent twilight hours becoming better friends with melatonin or simply lying awake in the dark willing myself to slip in to slumber. No dreams tonight please. Tonight I did what I used to do, reached for a book. The book I reach for every time. It finds me when I need it and with certainty it always finds me this time of year.

It's not just the insomnia that has been off putting as of late but the sense of numbness as well. 2 years ago I was in the same predicament, between job and school (though this time it is the other way around) and waiting to move cities, change lives, start again, start fresh. Then why, I asked myself, was last time so different. Why was I enthralled with my camera last time, why could I not quench my insatiable desire to write? Why do I seem so uninspired and frankly listless compared to who I know myself to be? The motivation and energy just aren't there and I couldn't place my finger on it until now.

Every year I convince myself it's better, and to be honest it is, but every year I think I just wont feel it the way I always do. Picking up Anne Michaels' Fugitive Pieces  tonight provided me with what it always does, just what I need. I read the notes I had made to myself. Every year, sometime around this time, I pick it up, read through the dog eared pages and remember. It will be 10 years ago this February and it pains me somewhat to admit that that is still the defining moment of my life. As much as my brain  goes on much as it always does my body remembers, the imprint of distance and longing. It's something I think many of us still carry whether we want to or not. Drastic change, the kind that shifts our world view forever, for better or worse or both, is something that we carry with us. It weighs in my bones and in my heart.

I can't remember who I was before then. It's as if it were someone else entirely who lived my life for me until I was 17. It has taken the better part of 10 years for me to understand what trust means to me and to let someone in. I have moments where the anxiety and irrationality of it all takes over and yes, I wonder of it is worth the potential loss. I only have one choice with my answer and that is yes, it is, every time.

Not a year in review

I've been struggling to compile a year in review for 2012 and a game plan for 2013 for about the last week. It's not that i haven't had the time. I have had more time at my disposal since the 19th of December than I have in what feels like years, and in reality probably is. Part of it is for me that for the last 9 years I have never really felt like January first is the start of my year, February first has always been. At first this was for reasons sad and startling, now for a new and wonderful beginning!

For me this January will be much more of a wrapping up. I'm moving, to somewhere I claimed I never would but have recently fallen in love with. January will be about packing up my tiny apartment in Vancouver, about visiting my local haunts, about spending time with friends I may not see for a while. February will be all sorts of a new beginning. February first means a new home, a new job (fingers crossed), living in a city with some of my dearest friends and the person I like best. February will be all about finding my favourite coffee shops and yoga classes and where I can buy gluten free treats and fresh raspberries. Also where I can buy peonies when the season is right. 

It is hard to think that for the second time under two years everything is changing again. City, apartment, local friends, cheap sushi, and late night 5 cent sour key vendors, for those study nights that just need some nostalgia. But again it is just opportunity. The nice thing of starting at zero is that everything is ahead, ready to be created or taken hold of. It is a scary and wonderful feeling all at once. The kind of invigoration the soul needs once in a while. And yes, I am serial wanderer. Keeping me in one place for more than a handful of months is a task few are willing to take one, I myself am rarely one of them, but this time there is just SO MUCH adventure at my finger tips, I think I will be busy for a while. 

So that's it. 2012 has been a remarkable year. I feel I say that every year and I guess they all are but this was a big one. There have been years in the past where I was asked to step up and I did, years where I was told to step up and given no other option, but this year I can say with certainty  I was surrounded by people who gave me the space and tools and unwavering, if not incredibly humours, support to grow up a bit and get one step closer to the person I am meant to be. For that I am so grateful. 

Best of luck for 2013, may it be every bit as humorous and memorable as you can handle!

The Abyss

There's a question we've all been asked, what feels like a million times, "what are you going to do after the program?" The daunting thing is a lot of us don't know. With jobs market in Vancouver being less than in other parts of the country for strapping young folk with an extra 3 letters behind their names even the question of "what city?" becomes a tricky one to answer. Additionally most companies aren't hiring in december, between outgoing and incoming budgets and holiday breaks many of us will have at least a month to contemplate this. The answer many of us have been giving follows a sigh and usually includes the quintessential MBA answer... well it depends.

The thing is during the last few months it was easier to brush off the answer with the necessity of focusing on more urgent tasks like finishing assignments, exams or surviving the last few weeks of socializing. Last night was somewhat of a turning point. We celebrated with a Gala, the ones of us who were left, not on exchange, some first years, and some wonderful part timers. The topic of the night was as always "what's next." Suddenly there was nothing to hide behind and the uncertainty of my own future was startling. I couldn't even answer what side of the country I would be on and that scared the crap out of me. It felt as if there was a vice around my heart and lungs, I felt paralyzed and short of breath. This evening at just past 11, the advice I was given has finally hit home, a simple lesson in reframing. What I saw as the black abysses of uncertainty, I was reminded, was actually an exciting time of opportunity. The fact that I have no dependants, unless you count my beloved though needy student loan, no mortgage, no car payments, no pets, and only a very hardy bamboo plant to take care of means that the future really should be exciting and my life has a way of working out so I shouldn't be so scared. This was and is WAY harder than it sounds. Or maybe it sounds really hard.

What I find most striking is how quickly we were shoved in the deep end. Literally three days ago we were all doing projects, assignments, or writing exams. It felt like there would be another dozen pub nights just around the corner, we would all have a week off then see each other in class. This is not the case. Some of the best, most inspiring, most intelligent people I have ever met are all heading off in their own directions. There are some I hate to admit that I wont see again and a few that I care deeply about that I wont see for a while. We are all heading off to the next great thing, the reason we started with program in the first place. I guess what I'm getting at is I think we will all be ok. I think all of our little borderline type A personalities could use a month of contemplation and ... relaxation. At the end of the day, no matter how much we hate answering that question right now we are all much more competent than when we started. Many of us have changed everything we thought we would want and want to do in the last 16 months but I have great faith, well now I do anyway, that we just need to keep looking at the opportunities now available to us and be grateful. It is not the abyss.