Skinny Love.

Sitting near an open window proves challenging for me for a number of reasons. The first might be that my contact with the outside world is often just walking from my house to a vehicle then from vehicle to buildings on campus. Sometimes I walk out of my building or end up a little farther afield and am reminded that there is more than just off white walls and dark city streets. While it is a hard to be removed from the outside these glimmers of light and colour, a cool breeze across collar bones, is what i live for. Today was a perfect fall day. The whole air smelt of it and everything was saturated with colour. Red leaves, grass still so green, sky blue. The whole day was a gift.

I spent much of the middle of it caught by every rustle of breeze I glimpsed through the open window. Feeling my muscles tighten under my skin at the touch of a breeze. I wanted to be out there, in it all. Funny enough I should have known this would happen. I am past my 4 month rule and it is fall. Those things in combination make it next to impossible to sit still, to be in the moment, to be here. Itchy feet and a persistent need for change drive all the fibbers of my being and yet... I have committed to something for the first time in as long as I can remember. It feels good but, like birds migrating south for the winter, my heart pulls me towards newness, adventure, something different. Something more. Not that I can handle more right now, I am so saturated.

To end the story on a high note I did get outside today. My jacket abandoned and the cool fall breeze bringing much needed colour to my cheeks. I found solace in the trees of campus and in the golden light of evening. This nervous energy will just have to be tamed and i must convince my heart not to try to run this time.

Sandpaper Kisses

I collect words and images. I have books, journals, memory cards, hard drives and 2 computers full of them. Ideas and memories, my own or others, fill the spaces of my room, my heart and my mind.

It is with such care that I picked tonight out of time and space. I don't often get time to myself in this city. More precious still is driving time. Alone in a vehicle is pure magic to me. Tonight was a taste of that freedom and independence and it tugged hard and fast at the heart strings in my chest. Warm air when it is cool and damp out side and tunes on the stereo make life sweet. I was strategic tonight, knowing I had about 15 minutes of quality time driving back from an enlightening dinner on the north shore. I put on a little Bon Iver and settled into the drivers seat. Crossing the bridge with the lights leading me home I was struck. Struck by the lack of space. I have felt this weight, this pressure like not being able to catch my breath. It is better when I am busy, it is better when I am out on campus, near more open ocean. Tonight, after too many to be coincidental, talks of what makes Albertans special it all came up at once. I was wracked with longing for big sky, open land, space to breath and move and figure it all out. To be fair I have a pretty exceptional case of cabin fever these days which plays a role. Weaving my way through stanley park, the fog rolling across the road, all I could think of was snow. How there were just things we did and do to get through the winters at home. How those things were what bonded us together. How Albertans are the kind of people who embrace that. They don't shy away.

I am learning a lot lately about what it means to have character.  It keeps coming back to setbacks, obstacles,  challenges and the choices we make as a result. Hardship teaches us about ourselves and makes each subsequent hardship a little easier to deal with. It is all about grace.

Days like this.

When it rains it pours. Today was one of those days in Vancouver. I stepped out of my car at the other end of West 4th and was hit with fat drops, soaking the canvas of my shoes, sliding off the protective finish of my coat. Life was like this today as well.

It's hard not to create, to open up possibilities when honesty is so profoundly saturated in my life these days. It all started with a trip to the career centre at school. I have been avoiding meeting with my counsellor mostly because I don't have a clear picture of what I want. The fact that so many others seemed to have a path and I didn't scared me. What I didn't get was that was the point. I have half an hour of prime time with someone who is doing what I want to do. Who has the resources, advice and guidance that is so valuable to me. I missed out a bit simply because I didn't cowboy up and get myself into her office. That being said after our chat I feel I so clear. It all feels like it is going to fall into place, it is exciting and there are opportunities I wasn't even aware of. I walked away from our meeting feeling empowered, excited and a little lighter. I was on the road, I have direction... just not destination.

Luckily I had a half hour break then off to my leadership coaching session. This is where the magic happens folks. I came in with my breakthroughs and learnings from the last month but what I really wanted to dig into were two distinctions. First I was intrigued about my seemingly conflicting values of being authentic and being liked. We dug into what that looks like, how those two aspects can be defined and redefined to fit together. Lately I have seen that they really are one and the same and who knows... I can get on board with the idea that I really only want people to like me if they like me for who I am.

The other piece, and perhaps more up the alley of this writing here was the entangled, integrated, cycle of learning and creativity in my life. It started talking about not having enough time to put into my writing and photography that I would ideally like to but grew from there. We talked about this. Yup, Heart Skipped A Beat. And it turns out, as you probably know, that this means the world to me. It is my practice field. It is my lens not only to view my world and those in but to be viewed through in turn. There is no re-describing, there is no looking good, there is no miscommunication. This is who I am. It is me at my most vulnerable. Really, it is me at my peak. A little insight into the mind of one other person. It is my forum for learning and for creativity.

We talk about what we would save from a fire, if we only get to salvage what we can carry in our arms.
What I am learning about what I value is that it has less and less to do with money, with material things and more and more all it has to with is words, images and putting it all together.

"It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most."

Yesterday was huge for me. It was day 7 with less than acceptable levels of sleep and long as prairies are flat. Days like this only mean one thing. Change.

I sat in a room for 2 hours yesterday learning a little something about creativity and collaboration. As part of this amazing program a trio of musicians were brought in, along with a composer to help us understand the creative process a little bit better. I connected to this in a number of ways but what struck me most was when the composer spoke to consistency, to practice, to sitting down to create everyday whether brilliance was flowing or not. This is writing to me. This is photography. If I do not practice I find inspiration less. If this blog has taught me nothing it is that, like Picasso said, inspiration must find you working. You must sit down ready to let creativity flow through you or you are unlikely to create at all. You can all bear witness to the fact that sometimes this blog is atrocious. It is not well written, the ideas are unimaginative or not thoughtful. These are the practice days for when there is more. For when greatness strikes. Creative careers are just like any job, you must be there to get it done. You must be productive whether you like it or not. I am in love with writing all over again.

This brings me to my second learning (yes, learning as a noun is not a word... I know). So I did something that truly scared the crap out of me yesterday. I have always been fearful of running for elected positions because the fear of failure, the fear of not seeming qualified, of not being liked, paralyses me. When I heard that the were a position on our exec titled VP Strategic Vision I fell in love. I couldn't not run. So my name went down as a nomination and low and behold so did the name of one of the most charismatic people in our program. Now that most of the voting is finished with I will admit that I almost dropped out at this point. I proceeded to thinking about doing it until the moment I got up to give my speech. Two things kept me going. The first was the simple fact that I really want this. That this position aligns with what I am great at, with what I am passionate about. The second is, frankly, that this is 2011. When it started I swore I wouldn't let any opportunity go un taken, this was my year to really see what I could make of my self and like hell I was going to give that up. Plus, if I lose i guarantee no one will hold it against me, or even remeber.

This push to try new things without fear of failure leads me to one last point. What legacy will we leave? This was the basis of my speech, my vision. It comes up in strategy class, whether our prof knows it or not, and glimmers throughout our whole course load. Who are we going to be and what will we change in our passing through this program and through the rest of our lives. It is something to put thought into now and in the coming months. I know that I want to live this next 14 months with no regrets. I want to leave a legacy of passion.

Give faith a fighting chance

Re-connection.

It happens to the best of us I think. Those friends or acquaintances who show up in your life when timing dictates. Often apart for years, when they re-emerge it is like it was yesterday you last saw them but with so much more richness of experience.

These are some of the experiences I value most. Like milestones, old friends can help you see how far you've come and perhaps, where you need to go next. They are like a map, tracing your past to the present.  It is with this in mind that have decided to keep a daily reminder of what I am grateful for. Each day to record with certainty at least one thing that helps to mark the little steps forward, or where ever they may lead. Life has been hectic to say the least these past few weeks and I would hate to skip over an opportunity to learn from in, to enjoy it, to remind myself that I am keeping up with the flow... most days at least.

So this morning I am grateful for connection and re-connection. I am grateful for the friends who have come into my life recently and for those who have shown up, practically on my door step, full of new insight and ideas.

Are you holding back?

My golden girl and I have been speaking at length about the remarkable lives we have fallen into these days. Who are we kidding, we created them. For lack of any better description I can grasp at we are living the lives we barely had the guts to try to imagine.

We call each other daily to remark at what had happened that was beyond what we thought possible. Life isn't perfect. Don't get me wrong, it is hard, and we both continue to exclaim how exhausted we are but this development and the lessons we are learning are too great to sleep. It's funny when this happens all at once.

These are the days. These are the game changers. Those disruptive moments that break all the rules then redefine the hell out of them. This is what we live for. These are the moments that remind us of faith, faith in the goodness of people, in our own strength, in the universe. These fractions of moments that we allow to slip in through the cracks that change it all.

I stumbled across this video

This is what kicked off my morning and it reminded me that we all make sacrifices for greatness and also that in the end the journey and the destination are worth it. Oh yeah, and that I need to hit a gym... hard.

Somebody like you.

Sitting in the dark theatre I felt like a real person for the first time in so long. I was going to a movie on a Friday night with an old, dear friend and my sister. A great combo and little piece of reality. I realized that my life for the past little while had revolved around school 100%, which is great but a little dose of reality was nice last night.

That being said we saw Moneyball. My economics prof recommended it and I was intrigued. For a man who is both on Obama’s economic council and watches Jersey Shore I was interested in his movie recommendation.  It was great. I felt like it was a $12.99 recap of my MBA thus far. I was happily surprised to see aspects of many of our core areas. The significance of statistics, economics, finance, entrepreneurship and a whole lot of freaking strategy. What stood out for me the most brought me back to our OBHR classes. Leadership. Culture. People Development. Change Management. What stood out for me was a leader who saw in people what others did not necessarily see and brought out greatness in them. Empowering them. Changing with them in the times that they needed that support. To be honest this is why I love sports movies, this is why I love sports. There is something about a coach or a teammate that brings greatness out in his or her people. Especially when those people are underdogs. I feel like those players, like the econ major from Yale in the movie. Yes, I bring something to the table but it took someone, a few people, to tell me that that something was valuable, that it was a contribution, for me to really step up and take it on. To play on the field instead of sitting in the stands.

Like everything in life these moments were not grand gestures, out pouring of gratitude. They were subtle but powerful. Moments when my dear girl told me that I ‘got’ accounting. Moments when a new friend, smart, thoughtful and likely unaware of the significance of his leadership, mentioned that I was creative, smart, or contributing. This is leadership at its finest. The ability to see greatness in others, draw it out of them and empower their contribution.

There is one scene in the movie where one player asks a new first basemen what his greatest fear in the game was. He replied “that a baseball will come anywhere near me.” The other man laughed and then realized the first baseman wasn’t kidding. This is just how I felt at first, how I still feel sometimes. Like someone is going to figure it all out, that maybe what they saw just isn’t there. This isn’t the case. Just believe the good press and take the bad with a grain of salt. Oh, and believe your econ profs when they make a movie recommendation, likely they are way smarter than you anyway.