Birthdays, I try to ignore the idea that they mark changes in my life. Sure I love a good party but I try not to admit that they are significant markers in my life. Some haven’t been but most come during some kind of transformation. Some big learnings. This year I went home. Back to the place and people that fill me up. Make me who I am. The landscapes and connections that I define my world through. It wasn’t what I expected but life rarely is. It was better though. Less fairy tale/movie scene, more depth. More surprise. More adventure. More growing up. Less hanging on. It showed me clearly who my best friends are. Who cares more than they say. It taught me more about who I am, what I want, why I cry, why I smile.
The first big thing 26 taught me was to let go of relationships that don’t serve me. Things that I held on such an unrealistic pedestal to cover up the despair of not having my own shit together. I realized I can’t hope and wish a friendship to be exactly what I want I have to either be in what it is or let it go. For me this came up a couple times, each on a different end of the spectrum. It struck me like train that I want more than just the physical part of a relationship. I want to be inspired by who I’m with in a way that I can see these connections going past just being fun. I finally let this be ok. Stopped beating myself up for wanting more than a good time. On the other end when someone is so important to me I don’t want to lose them in my life I have decided to just let that be it. Let them be what they are and ask nothing more. Fact: this can turn out to be awkward as all hell for a while but I can say that a great birthday gift was getting to be friends with the people who I love, having them in my life in a real way – no more pressure. Big girl stuff. So what now? Some space and time and love to let everything fall where it may and not stress so much about fitting round pegs in square holes. I can say without a doubt in my pretty little mind – I am the most blessed person in the world for who I can say is on ‘my team’- the people who love me even when I cry or fight or drink too much fireball. I am beyond grateful for all of them.
This morning, as I sat on a patio in Whistler with the rain pouring down and mud splattered boys with mountain bikes paraded by I came to a realization in conversation with my Golden Girl. I hate crying. The most. It scares the crap out of me every time it happens. I am scared of being weak, showing I don’t have it all together all the time. We were talking about loss and how we are affected by it, what it feels like and then like a dam bursting I realized why I find it so hard to express this emotion. I cried a lot early February 2003. I pretty much didn’t stop for months. Every time I start again I am afraid it’s going to be like that. I never got that this was it. Never knew that this was why. It’s never going to be like that I realized. Not again. And it’s ok to cry sometimes. I am pretty sure it’s comforting to everyone, especially me, to see me not be strong for a few moments. To show a glimpse that maybe there is something less hard, more fragile but more beautiful in there.
So that’s it. Big week. Change will do that to us I guess. I am happily going forward, a little lighter, a little more open, a little less scared to not have to be strong all the time.
And the best part is that the people who love you will think you are the most beautiful when you cry. Like you did with me today, as those muddy boys walked past us. xo
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ReplyDeleteThe Journey by Mary Oliver
ReplyDeleteOne day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.