Sitting here in a coffee shop I can see the streets glittering from the rainstorm that just fell upon the city then stopped in an instant. The milk in my coffee is sweet, the music in my ears familiar, my eyes behind the lenses of my glasses are clear, life is good. There is a contentment that has crept up on me as of late. I feel grounded for the first time in a long time. My growth as a person has snowballed. Just when I think I am learning so much all the time I discover even more, every day. That’s what makes life exciting I guess. It has likely become obvious that lately I have been learning who I want to be for my self and with others. It’s hard I have realized but I know I need to be here for myself first. Put the effort into things that will sustain me over the long haul and not continue to put that off for things that provide me with instant gratification. A glass of wine, eating take out, spending money that just isn’t there on things that I just don’t need. Focusing on what I need, taking a stand for my wellbeing needs to happen first and foremost this time. With all this work that I’ve done I feel like I have made headway, away from anxiety and fears and into this place of being happy, being at peace, being content.
These moments are life and the only way I can describe them is as space. It is the feeling I get when I spring clean, getting out the old stale things, the things I kept because I added meaning to them not because they were useful or beautiful, not because they were both. The last few weeks have been an emotional and mental spring clean, right here in the middle of this season that is supposed to be summer. I am a little uncomfortable in the space, I’m not going to lie. I feel like I immediately have to fill myself back up, but I am holding back. Not rushing into anything, letting my passions for writing and photography and nature fill in where the others left off. These are the times when good things come to those who wait. There are the moments that create the moments we will never forget.
A dear friend passed a long a link earlier this week, a short article on Bon Iver’s connection with Canada. The final point involved an idea that is incredibly prevalent in my life these days in so many ways. “ While one song is called “Calgary,” Vernon maintains he has yet to visit the city. Instead, Calgary “seemed like a place I was connected to,” Vernon said. “[It’s] like when you think there’s someone out there that you could be in love with but you haven’t met yet.” I get that deep connection to place. The mountains bring be home, in Whistler or in Lake Louise, in Jackson Hole Wyoming where I have never been. Sometimes you just know and that connection is undeniable. This connection with place is so similar to our connections with each other, like Vernon mentions. In this place where I am now, and the place of so many of my friends and those around me, I too feel this connection to someone I haven’t meant yet. This gut feeling of a game of hot and cold. Figuring out step by step, back and forth to the right fit, to the other half, to the person who you never even knew you missed.
With that said and done, it’s finally sunny out in this city. I am off to the sea wall for some dog watching!
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