Remember

The anxiety of new and un-started things can bear heavy on me from time to time. I finished last semester tired but happy and not anxious the way I have felt the last 3 days. Driving home from dance practice it hit home loud and clear. I hate the idea of not being good at something. At failing. Turns out I am a closet perfectionist. I hate to admit it, but if not here then where? I hate the idea of letting some one down. Often it's myself but it is also those around me. I find myself setting the bar low just to make sure I get over it every time. This fear has paralyzed me from doing many things I would likely enjoy. Meeting new people, trying new things, I can make anything seem a logistical nightmare in my head and convince myself I shouldn't even try. This was a substantial road block in romantic relationships. All of this has eased up considerably as of late but with so many new things in my life and on the horizon I could feel the tightening in my chest and the frantic tone in my voice. It's not what it used to be but it is still there. It will likely always be present to some extent but I have to go back to believing my own good press and remember that I am here to learn, not to be perfect.

I was also reminded, on this very same ride home, that inspiration must find you working. It is a quote I have pinned to my wall and yet I forget about for days and weeks at a time and wonder why I have nothing to write about. Like anything in my life I am always better when I am busy. My writing is no different. It is easy to misplace and lose track of extraordinary events in your life if they all just blend into days and nights. Where there is so much going on it is easy to pick out the learnings, and significance. It may sound counter-intuitive, it does as I write this but to  me it all just makes sense.

ahhh, school life... how I missed you.