It must find you working.

My favourite quote for times like these is

“Inspiration Does Exist, But It Must Find You Working.”

It is suited for these days when I have fallen so out of my routine of creativity. Instead of easily sitting down and writing out a few thousand words for a purpose of some sort I find my days more rejuvenating than interesting per say. But alas inspiration will not strike me like lightning out of a clear sky and must instead find me sitting town to write for it to flow freely.

What did strike me today came at the end. I was sitting in the lodge at our tiny local ski hill after chasing my father through trees and bumps and off tiny tiny cliffs for the better part of the afternoon. As I looked around me I was impressed and humbled by what I saw. The lodge at WhiteWater is truly the hub of a bustling little community. For a Tuesday afternoon I was shocked by who I saw. There were young teenage boys with boots slung over shoulders by the straps. Munching peanut butter sandwich half in their mouths and half in their hands with looks of pure stoke across their faces. There was an older lady, in her mid 70s who starred in an episode of Salomon freeski TV (check it out at the bottom!). She skis almost everyday and does it purely for the love of the sport and the outdoors in all this. I watched 2 little girls with hair still sun-bleached from summer on the lake chase a little boy around the lodge, he started it I promise. Sitting drinking my coffee and observing I felt like an outsider. Casually observing but not part of the bustle. Part of this was I was used to something different from my last few years on the slopes. Coming from big resorts it is about the so many other things. It is about the pros, about labels and brands, about the newest gear, the fastest lifts, the most gourmet lunches (no hill has anything on WhiteWater's kitchen). WhiteWater is about why so many of us ski. Good snow, good terrain, good people. 

Yes, it is no Whistler, they are 2 entirely different beasts. The lodge is just a great reminder of the importance of community and a place to gather. And of course, if you are a little girl with sun-bleached hair, a place to chase little boys around without your mum noticing. 

everlasting light

I was hoping I'd have more to write. To be honest by brain feels mostly empty for the first time in months. I went from going as hard as I could, even harder sometimes, to a dead halt. From 5 hours sleep max to 12 hours min. From takeout food to home cooked bliss. I am in shock and I am taking it out on my writing.

The bustle of school and city is easily other worlds from this place. I would like to say I have just transplanted to a small mountain time for some R and R but ... we live outside of town. If there was no big orange bridge across the lake we would be in the boonies, or at least be a lot more dependant on our canoe for groceries and such. My days are filled with less and less and I am taking the time to enjoy the nothing I am doing.

My creativity is allocated to activities that can be done in front of the TV while watching christmas movies. This comes primarily in the form of feather earring creations and photo editing. An exercise in using my hands but very rarely my brain. It is nice.

So that's it. I am embracing the relaxation, the slowness, the nothing. A lot of sunrises and sunsets with space between. In a few days it will be back to city living and I won't know what hit me.

Home is where ever I'm with you.

It's funny where life takes you.

For all my years and stubborn ways I always said I would end up in Calgary, that it was truly the only city I could ever live in. For my first months in Vancouver I dug my heels in hard, and when the topic of jobs and money came up Calgary seemed like the best, the only choice.

Being back, for a very very short time, did help me realize that yes, I love the city, but no, it's not as perfect as I made it out to be. The funny thing is, no where is. All that I held on to wasn't really there. Most of my friends have physically moved on. Many west, to Vancouver or the island. If they haven't left the city they have found new jobs, new lives. The routine we clung to in the spring no longer common place. There are still the old haunts and likely many new ones but that is the nice thing about change, it doesn't stop for anyone.

So that's it. It's a little scary but all so clear. I am without destination, as is usual, but also without a home base. Yes, Nelson, and my parents will be here but it is their life and community, I am just a periodic visitor. Vancouver is also a semi permanent home but without the people, without those crazy friends who support me through all my questionable and epic life decisions I am not sure it would feel like anything more than a tiny condo in the big city.

Instead of looking at this like a problem it is instead such an amazing and rare opportunity. Who knows where I will end up but the amazing thing is... it could be anywhere.

In addition I find myself, one week into a short 3 week break, already chomping at the bit. My body, and its desire to sleep 12 hours a day to make up for the minimal at best sleep I was getting during the last few months, craves this relaxation and slowness but my mind is racing. I want back at it, I want stimulation. I want  more.

Tomorrow perhaps.

Big Kootaney lake love.

In a big country dreams stay with you.

It's funny what happens when you realize  that so much of your ego got left behind. I will admit that in the hectic pace of the last few months I lost a lot. A lot of sleep, a lot of pens and pencils to my cavernous purse, a lot of hours on buses. I lost motivation to take care of myself and to stay in shape, as I am finding out the hard way today. What I also realized, sitting here at the base of a glacier, is that I have lost that little piece of me that cared so much what others thought. 

Where I use to be anxious about seeming less hardcore to stop for a mid morning coffee I am happy to sit here, warming up thoroughly frozen feet while Cadillac Ranch plays in the speakers reminding me why west is best. I am content to have the luxury, for a few weeks, to do exactly what I want. 

Being back in the mountains also reminds me what lights me up. It's hard not to feel alive here, adrenaline flowing, muscle memory waking up unused tissue. The sound and feel of boots clicking into bindings will always give me goosebumps. More so it is the space. I often feel claustrophobic in the city. It is amplified when my time is not my own. The last few days I can feel a lightness flowing through me, the nudges of creativity and my brain being used for something other than processing required business problems. It feels good and I am beginning to get a sense of how refreshed I will feel in a few weeks time.

All in all I am happy, excited to reconnect with friends and take the time to create new relationships. I am ever grateful for the time and space to do just that!

'Cause someone's coming home.

Well, it's all said and done. Having not been to school for 4 years being back in the saddle was not as easy as I hoped. The semester is finished and slowly it is sinking in. We are at the end of the beginning. As people slowly make their way home for the holidays it is evident that there is something complete. Something to be celebrated.

The most important lesson I have learned, and there were so many important ones, is to be open and to not let opportunities pass you by. Easily the best parts of the last few months have been because I said yes to something and did not turn it down. Great nights, new friendships, assignments and projects that broadened my scope. I am grateful for all of them. When we started this in September 3 months seemed like forever, 16 months actually an eternity. Now, now it seems frighteningly short. It is not a matter of how quickly can we make this fly by but one of how can we make it last.

With that I am heading for a few much needed days in the mountains. My heart and soul need some recovery and time in whistler, the Rockies and the Kootneys will do just the trick. It has been a long time coming but to be honest, where I stand. Life is pretty close to perfect.

Tighten Up.

A big sigh of relief happened yesterday. We handed in our final project of the semester. Of the core of our program. Yes, we still have a presentation left but we also have seconds to breathe in, take some time to eat a good meal, not granola bars and White Spot. It is an unbelievable feeling to have submitted the final project on our lengthy list. A list that when we started I wasn't sure if I would ever complete.

I am run down further than I thought possible, probably the lest socially acceptable version of myself out there. I am tired looking, haven't put on make up or dressed for anything other than comfort or practicality in weeks, even practicality sometimes goes by the way side. Physical health and 'me time' have also been at a minimum. My ability to just go 'one more day' is also waning. All this being said and done it feels amazing. Not as amazing as it will feel thursday night when this is all complete, but amazing none the less.

I sat in a room full of MBA students on Sunday night. It was the annual gala celebrating the graduation of the second years. Bob Cole, the voice of Hockey Night in Canada, spoke to us. Now, as a program we are graced with remarkable speaker after remarkable speaker but Mr. Cole, as it only seems appropriate to call him, was a breathe of fresh air. The two points that resonated with me most, beyond his description of the 'Old Forum' in Montreal were these: Do something you love and if you don't know the answer don't say you do or you think, say you don't know and find out.  These lessons were something I think we as business students sometimes need to hear. We get used to thinking about revenue and profit and our eventual compensation. We are conditioned that if we don't know something, do your best to speculate if you are put on the spot. Fake it 'til you make it. Mr. Cole's words struck a cord. Perhaps it was his famous-for-a-reason voice. Perhaps that his stories came at the end of a long day before what would be an even longer one but more likely it is simply that sometimes it is nice to hear someone speak to life lessons. And even more so it is nice to hear about the at business school.

All in all this is a time of uncertainty and i am apathetic towards it. I don't care that I have fallen behind at life, have no idea what I am doing for Christmas break and very little idea of what to expect come january. This semester has built capacity in my life for what can be accomplished. I will take the time to rest, regroup and hope all my fellow classmates do the same.

Good luck Thursday friends!

Follow the wind that pushes me West

There is something about live music. If anything makes hearts skip beats it is that. Being part of something, losing that need to 'look good' even for a few seconds when the music takes you over. It is about connection, to the music, to the people around you and to something deeper. Maybe it is a connection to that place deep in our chests that tells us that there is something more. It is the lights, the darkness, the music that fills your ears. It is the sticky floors and expensive drinks. It is looking to the person next to you and seeing that they feel the same way.

I feel like inspiration and clarity hit me in the midst of show like that. It is hard not to be in the moment and where you are becomes very clear. Standing at the back of the bar last night as one of my favourite bands played one of my favourite songs I was acutely aware that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Exactly where I had wanted to be all those years ago. I remember hearing that same song, all those years ago at university. I wasn't happy where I was and all I dreamed of was going West, always pulled by heartstrings across Canadian shield, prairies and when that wasn't far enough, across the Rockies to the coast.

Music is something that is tied to memory. It hard to hear a song and not be pulled back through time and place to when it started to mean something to you. It is something that I pick up in all the relationships in my life. My music collection is a testament to all those who have held space in my mind, in my life. It is something I think, that is so necessary these days when our fast paced lives sometimes squeeze out room for connection.