Step Up, Step In.

It's late. Tomorrow will be crazy with presentations and meetings and then prep for more presentations but I breath a sigh of relief here at 11:04pm. A project that has been mine for the last 2 and a half months is being passed on. I am sitting on the floor of my tiny apartment, laptop tethered to printer as the pages pile on the collector. I wasn't sure it was going to see this stage, I am not sure it is perfect, in fact I am sure it is not perfect but I am happy with the work and that is something that is not always easy to say. As the sheets of white paper keep coming, layering on top of one another I can feel the apprehension flow from my shoulders, the tension is lessening quickly. I am so proud of my work.

This is a sweet feeling at the end of a long day. I have been a ball of nerves lately, feeling there may be more on my plate than I can accomplish, feeling like my world is in flux and I am not sure where to stand for fear of falling over. I am lucky though. I have what ever person needs, someone who makes them feel like, in the midst of chaos, they are not crazy. It came as a stark realization this evening as I was chatting with my mum on the phone as I walked through the rain to my car. I was recounting my day and my conversations about trying to find an internship and what my other options may be available. She immediately saw it, " Julia," she said " you are lucky to have someone who makes you feel sane in this crazy time, you are lucky to have someone who listens when it matters". She was so right. Everyone needs that person who goes along with the wild ideas, a partner in crime whether a sibling, parent, friend or otherwise that sees the value where you see it, even if no one else does. This is key in this time where I feel so unsettled. I have an amazing group of people in my life who always seem to step up and step in when I need them most.

Tonight I will rest easy.

Risk|Faith

I'm not going to lie. I haven't been that inspiring or optimistic this week. I have started half a dozen blog posts and all but one lie in wait on my desktop. I hate posting when the result has no solution or no outcome from which to learn. I have been struggling as of late and it is hard for me to just be in it.

This all being said I came across a quote, or a line, or a lovely arrangement of words. To paraphrase: risk and faith go hand in hand, the bigger the risk the more faith is necessary. Faith is a tricky piece for me. I don't always love to throw all my chips to the wind, to the goodness of the universe. Having faith is hard for me and yet every time I let go a little and just hope for the best a sense of calm comes over me. The sooner i find faith. The sooner I get results. Strange. True. So this is my homework. I know in my brain that things work out for a reason, that I always get what needs to be finished done, and that life has a strange way of taking me exactly where I need to go. So in this time of uncertainty, in all areas of my life, I must throw caution to the wind. I have to believe that there will be some answers in the next six weeks from which to start to piece together where things will go after that: career, where I will live, what passions I will pursue.

In the line of faith and trust I saw six eagles today. On campus, playing and gliding in the thermals above the trees.  This is always an auspicious sign. A sign that the risk is worth the faith.

Maybe it's the warmer climate

I'm doing what I do every time. Trying to grasp at anything that I can control in order to find safe footing in the uncertainty. Like always, it all comes at the same time. When life is in-between, in flux, up in the air, the whole thing is suspended. My feet just can't touch the ground. So what I do is hunker down. My body usually agrees and as if to justify my decision to hold tight were I can, I get sick, I am forced to take care of myself, insulate against the cold outside and focus inward. I get work done. I avoid being social unless necessary. I suddenly find I eat healthy but that additionally my appetite is no where to be found. I pause, move slowly as if to try to stop the clock from racing ahead. It happens. I feel a tell tale numbness. When things get like this I stop. Take measure. Freeze what is unnecessary and nurture where I can, almost out of practice. 

A little thing called feedback.

I don't have time for this right now, but when do we ever have time right?

So much has been going on and to be fair I have neglected this part of my life. Part of me blames the "real world", internship searches, projects, exams, sunny Vancouver days. Part of me knows I have been avoiding writing because so much is going on and I am living in denial to some extent. Ok, to a large extent. That's ok. We all do it from time to time I am just clinging to a bubble I know is soon to burst. I am not ready. That being said those realities and dream worlds are not why I am putting off what needs to be done, to write here.

It is a mid April miracle! I finally get feedback. Yup, it only took me nearly 3 years of feedback training and 8 months of constant critique of my academic work to truly understand what it means to be egoless and grateful for someone telling me I can do better. In this case, I can do WAY WAY better. It is almost internship time and I am not on the ball. I am not even close. I have been in fact avoiding the ball like the plague. I was finally read the riot act, on two occasions, by two people I respect very much. Then I proceeded to act like a small child, have a pity party, and feel sorry for myself for a day and a half. Then I got shit done. To be fair to all involved my resume read like that of a high schooler, or perhaps like that of someone just out of an arts undergrad from a reputable university "out east".  It was not pretty and would not be effective at all to actually get me a job I wanted. I passed it on to someone who I trust and who's opinion on the matter of these things I respect very much. I was super nervous. What if they realized I was an idiot. What if they finally believed me that it may all have been a fluke. Funny enough what I got back was harsh and incredibly fair feedback. I was being held to a relentless standard of excellence no matter how far away I seemed. Rather than feel upset or slighted I felt truly relieved. First, someone had freed me from the out of date and immature employment I clung to so dearly and second, this person was good on their word. They were being completely honest even if it meant my feelings may have been hurt. The best part was that this feedback made me want to try again, and again. I wanted to get it right. I wanted to submit something worthy of the hard work and skills I had accumulated over the years.

This means more risks, more demanding feedback, more great jobs and opportunities.

The deal.

My greatest expeinces also tend the be those through which I learned the most. They are often a bittersweet combination of joy, adventure, love, and usually also involve loss, hardship and a little heartbreak. In what ever form. This year, year and a bit, has been saturated by these experiences. I have learned so much about myself, about others, about the life I lead and about the one I will lead going forward. This last 13 months has defined me. It has been a series of lessons. It has been miracle after miracle. Joseph Campbell would be proud. I am living my life embracing that there is mystery in the world. A few days ago running through the woods not too far from the pacific ocean I stopped. I couldn't help myself. I found myself face to face with trees so tall, so old and I stuck my face in the air. I couldn't stop myself but I made a simple deal with the universe. I would have unwavering faith that this would all work out. That all the risks I am taking, that all the lessons I am learning, will be worth it. That if I just believe and work really really hard that I will continue to live this life where things work out as they seem they should. I write this now because I am in the throws of one such lesson. I am not surprised that I have no answers at the moment. That I am not sure what will happen. I am at the end of something. I am not exactly sure what. Like any ending tears flow more freely than they do in the beginning. I haven't been able to help it lately. I have never found anything so good and just as I am getting into the swing of things it is all going to change. Internships start in less than a few months. We will all be scattered like grain in a wide prairie field. Getting ready for our next steps. It's only that I'm not ready. Not up for having to start something else right now. Not when everything seems just as it should. But there is something else. There is this sense of calm. It is not always there but I can feel it resonate when I need it the most. Deep in my chest, in my heart it is an understanding that whether I make a deal or not there is something else out there making sure that we get what we need. i find it hard to react the way I want to, in extremes because for some reason I can't let go of the feeling that this will all work out as it should. That the right moments stay with us. The right experiences shape who we will be. They give us character. They settle in our hearts and in the back of our minds. Those are the experiences, the people that affect everything else going forward. We never let them go. So in those moments in the woods. One hand pressed to my chest, the other into the damp bark of a tree older than this country, I made that deal.  

spring.

I can see my city transforming as if before my very eyes. The buds are coming out, trees beginning to blossom. It is happening even before it's begun. That is like the new beginnings in my life. Sometimes when we see a little further out than what is right in front of us we can glimpse them on the horizon. The changes we dug our heels in against, like stubborn children at a toy store being dragged away from some brilliant display. Digging in against change, against the unknown. Suddenly. When we are forced to take count of what is truly going to happen we are given a chance to see what it may bring us. I have compassion for myself knowing that come summer everything could change again. My roommate may move on, to great things, to be a maker of change. Others will transition from places of proximity to dear pen pals, friends flung far and wide. This is not new to me. I am not is shock. My life is built on distance and often on longing. Like planets at a distant orbit, always kept at arms length but with an undeniable attraction. Or like the whales returning summer after summer, taking stock of what has changed, who made it through, who didn't. Creating newness. Cycling through again. Lucky for me i see what this change will bring. I see a home to myself with walls covered in art and space for handstand practice and down dogs. I see adventures across seas and to places that I will always call home. I feel opportunity flooding in through my finger tips. Ready to be put to use. I have given up on trying to control it all. I was born for leaving and as like attracts like, those who I love are the same way. Family and friends. No one I care about, like really truly love, stays in one place for very long. We can't. Restless young souls, we can't sit still.

So spring. I know you are on the horizon. I can see you glow, just there, out of reach. Hurry home. Light up my sky.

Lay it down and start up

Having a BATNA is key to negotiations, so I learned in class last week. I also feel this is key to life. When I have a ‘Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement’ there is a sense of calm that comes over me. I know what can happen if this all doesn’t work out the way I expected it to. I know what my alternatives are. This has given me some sense of stability today. I feel, as per usual at the end of a ‘semester’ that my world is hectically spinning around me and that if I don’t get everything under control, make it perfect, my tiny world may just cease to exist. On my way to my car an hour ago, running in frye boots in the rain, I stopped. My hair getting soaked through, my jeans already sticking to my legs. I was frozen. What if all the things I was so worried about didn’t work out? What if projects lay incomplete or complete but imperfect? What if friendships and  everything in my social life didn’t pan out the way I sometimes cling to? What then? The list rolled on through my head and suddenly I felt no need to rush. Just to wait. There is no point in worrying. Simply I must make a decision and stick to my guns. The worst that can happen isn’t that bad. My alternate options are actually looking pretty good. So why do I worry? Why do any of us stress about things we can only hope our best to even have a semblance of control over? I used to think it helped to try to cast my net wide and keep all I caught as close as possible. I used to think that trying to worry about the outcome while staying blind to other possibilities was the only way to get by. Now it is so clear. It is all the other opportunities that I saw as plan b. It is hard not to get attached. I still do. All the time. It is hard not to cling to what I think I want but sometimes, just sometimes, when it doesn’t all work out as planned, that is when the best things happen. That is when we get what we need.