Flipping through some of my books while unpacking last night I came across a passage.
"What you resist will persist! What you fear most is what you will become. Here is the lesson... Stop talking about what horrible things are happening and get rid of "what if" in our vocabulary. [Stop] trying to exercise your control over that which is not yet to form - the future. Stop now! Write your fears down and be willing to feel them. Breathe into them, and feel them running through your body into the earth as a give-away."
Though life is sweet and I feel I have nothing to complain about, nothing near 'horrible' that the passage refers to, I am filled with fear of the unknown. My first inclination is to try to control the crap out of it. Or avoid it completely, which ever is easier. Often both. So I did what the book told me, making a list of all the things that filled me with fear. Putting them on paper allowed me to let go a little bit, enough to get to sleep that is. This afternoon I was explaining the process to a friend and she helped me to the vital realization. Most of what I was afraid of I had no control over, I had done my part and time would be the only thing that could provide results. WHY on earth was holding on so tightly? The few things I could control on the list are easy enough to do so and so I will. I am not likely to let go of that which I can not control right away but having an awareness will allow me to stress less. That is the game plan anyway.
Do you want in on the list? here it is.
- Not getting into school
- Starting a new degree in a field I have no formal education in
- Not finding a job I enjoy
- Being brand new at a job
- Not finding the connections with people here that I crave, losing the connections that I left
- The possibility of having to hurt someone, the possibility of getting hurt by someone
- Getting off at the wrong stop on the bus ( Success! Today I got over this one thanks to an iPhone and some good friends!)
- Not surviving here
- Never going back
- Losing what I left behind
- Never reaching my full potential
- Losing my sense of Home
- Earthquakes in this crazy province!
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