We've all heard it before. It is darkest before the dawn. John Mayer sang about the storm before the calm. Calgarians know about cold snaps quickly turning to brilliant weeks of sun. Sometimes this is life. Things cling more tightly when they know they will be let go. We've all been in relationships that get serious in hopes of trying to save what is already over. Sometimes it lasts for a little while, drawn out, making more of it that is really there but in the end it is alway let go. Usually you don't have to hold onto what is meant to be, it just kind sticks around. Turning up when you need it and most often when you don't expect it to.
I have been holding on, fingernails dug deep into my old life. I've been comparing everything here to what I had before. My living arrangements, neighbourhood, the way people dress and behave, the food, pubs. Everything. It was the storm. Clinging to what worked before and not letting anything else in. It has been exhausting and heart breaking all at once.
A few years ago I was exposed to a way of looking at life. We have only now, this way of thinking describes. We have nothing else. Our past can not hold onto us and we can not look into the future with fear and "but, what if's". Simply in this moment this is it and everything else is a possibility we can create for ourselves. This weekend started off with phone calls and texts from home. Everyone was going to our tried and true local pub. One of the things I miss most about home was my regular friday nights there. The beer flowed, the boys we cute, my friends were there. What more could a girl ask for to start the weekend off? As I rashly looked up flights home for the evening my sister asked me to go to a concert with her instead. A much more affordable option I took her up on it. Now, please note that I am not trendy. I am not a music guru. I do not speak french well. Ok, at all. We showed up at a downtown venue after I had a wardrobe crisis. I knew that my friday night uniform was jeans, boots, t-shirts and either flannel or hoodie but had no idea what the 'cool kids' were wearing these days. Well it turns out I didn't get it right but what I did find was once I let go of the idea that my Friday nights had to consist of drinking the same beer with the same people at the same pub (and yes I LOVE that) I actually had a pretty good time. I danced to some rad songs, none of which I understood as they were all in french, spent quality time with my sister and experienced something I never would have done on my own.
Last night was another such moment. I saw Bridesmaids with my best friend. She is pregnant and the baby has just started to move around enough for people to feel it. In the middle of the movie she reached over, grabbed my hand and put it on her belly. In that moment I could feel a tiny foot or hand in my palm. That was being in the moment, that was creating possibilities. I was moved and I think I get that while I feel I am letting go of parts of home I am making room, creating space for different and amazing things to enter my life. Waking up this morning, without really reflecting on any of this I took off to try a coffee shop I have walked by a hundred times in the past few weeks. I picked up a delicious and foamy cappuccino and strolled down to the water. For some reason the drizzle really had started to wash away some of the meaning I had unnecessarily added to places, people and things. I didn't need to cling so hard, I would always value and love what is just east of the Rockies but I needed to make room to let new things in. All this has to do with being vulnerable. I don't like to get hurt and I don't like to lose things or people. When I am uncomfortable I close up. Hermit. I don't speak up, I don't let anyone in. I know now that after two weeks of this it really doesn't work. I have amazing friends, coffee shops and pubs all over the world and being attached to them doesn't mean I can't find new ones too.
Long story short I am slowly allowing the light in, new people and experiences.
I have been holding on, fingernails dug deep into my old life. I've been comparing everything here to what I had before. My living arrangements, neighbourhood, the way people dress and behave, the food, pubs. Everything. It was the storm. Clinging to what worked before and not letting anything else in. It has been exhausting and heart breaking all at once.
A few years ago I was exposed to a way of looking at life. We have only now, this way of thinking describes. We have nothing else. Our past can not hold onto us and we can not look into the future with fear and "but, what if's". Simply in this moment this is it and everything else is a possibility we can create for ourselves. This weekend started off with phone calls and texts from home. Everyone was going to our tried and true local pub. One of the things I miss most about home was my regular friday nights there. The beer flowed, the boys we cute, my friends were there. What more could a girl ask for to start the weekend off? As I rashly looked up flights home for the evening my sister asked me to go to a concert with her instead. A much more affordable option I took her up on it. Now, please note that I am not trendy. I am not a music guru. I do not speak french well. Ok, at all. We showed up at a downtown venue after I had a wardrobe crisis. I knew that my friday night uniform was jeans, boots, t-shirts and either flannel or hoodie but had no idea what the 'cool kids' were wearing these days. Well it turns out I didn't get it right but what I did find was once I let go of the idea that my Friday nights had to consist of drinking the same beer with the same people at the same pub (and yes I LOVE that) I actually had a pretty good time. I danced to some rad songs, none of which I understood as they were all in french, spent quality time with my sister and experienced something I never would have done on my own.
Long story short I am slowly allowing the light in, new people and experiences.
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