I was only for your very space

Sitting here in a coffee shop I can see the streets glittering from the rainstorm that just fell upon the city then stopped in an instant. The milk in my coffee is sweet, the music in my ears familiar, my eyes behind the lenses of my glasses are clear, life is good. There is a contentment that has crept up on me as of late. I feel grounded for the first time in a long time. My growth as a person has snowballed. Just when I think I am learning so much all the time I discover even more, every day. That’s what makes life exciting I guess. It has likely become obvious that lately I have been learning who I want to be for my self and with others. It’s hard I have realized but I know I need to be here for myself first. Put the effort into things that will sustain me over the long haul and not continue to put that off for things that provide me with instant gratification. A glass of wine, eating take out, spending money that just isn’t there on things that I just don’t need. Focusing on what I need, taking a stand for my wellbeing needs to happen first and foremost this time. With all this work that I’ve done I feel like I have made headway, away from anxiety and fears and into this place of being happy, being at peace, being content.

These moments are life and the only way I can describe them is as space. It is the feeling I get when I spring clean, getting out the old stale things, the things I kept because I added meaning to them not because they were useful or beautiful, not because they were both. The last few weeks have been an emotional and mental spring clean, right here in the middle of this season that is supposed to be summer. I am a little uncomfortable in the space, I’m not going to lie. I feel like I immediately have to fill myself back up, but I am holding back. Not rushing into anything, letting my passions for writing and photography and nature fill in where the others left off. These are the times when good things come to those who wait. There are the moments that create the moments we will never forget.

A dear friend passed a long a link earlier this week, a short article on Bon Iver’s connection with Canada. The final point involved an idea that is incredibly prevalent in my life these days in so many ways. “ While one song is called “Calgary,” Vernon maintains he has yet to visit the city. Instead, Calgary “seemed like a place I was connected to,” Vernon said. “[It’s] like when you think there’s someone out there that you could be in love with but you haven’t met yet.” I get that deep connection to place. The mountains bring be home, in Whistler or in Lake Louise, in Jackson Hole Wyoming where I have never been. Sometimes you just know and that connection is undeniable. This connection with place is so similar to our connections with each other, like Vernon mentions. In this place where I am now, and the place of so many of my friends and those around me, I too feel this connection to someone I haven’t meant yet. This gut feeling of a game of hot and cold. Figuring out step by step, back and forth to the right fit, to the other half, to the person who you never even knew you missed.

With that said and done, it’s finally sunny out in this city. I am off to the sea wall for some dog watching!

We'd Look Good Side by Side Walking Back to the Hotel

Albert Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. A close friend and fellow insane person posted in her own blog 'Intricate and Simple' this morning on the same subject. It got me thinking, thinking about how I beat my head against a wall sometimes thinking that at any moment I will be able to walk through, or better yet get a job, accepted into school, find love, be successful and be a really fast runner. Einstein surely would laugh.


I also got to thinking about all the changes I have made and the expectations of new results I attached to them. I left my job, the one I loved, the one that changed me, the one that I held onto longer than anything else. Ever. I left my city that I had fallen head over heels for. I left my friends. The ones who I grew up with, and I really don't mean went from being children to teens or young adults with, I mean the ones who I played big with, made mistakes, learned from. We manned up and grew up together.


I had big expectations for all of this. Life was going to be perfect. Life was going to be different. The funny thing is that while I made these grand gestures to the gods of change and results maybe they weren't the changes that Einstein was talking about. Changing where you live doesn't fix all the things that were holding you back in the place where you came from. It's like cutting your hair and expecting the cost of oil to go down (yes, that intense randomness was intentional). If you want to find a job go look, learn interview skills, do a little research. Change those areas that you want to see change in. Then maybe some results will surface. 


All in all, I don't mean to belittle the choices I have made. I am a big supporter of learning from everything and against some of my training, I believe that most things happen for a reason, even if that reason is to teach you don't need to add meaning to everything. The best decision, the change that created a leap instead of a step in the direction I envision for myself, was letting go of my career that I clung to and creating the space for everything to fall into place. But you probably already knew that. It was changing the right thing for the right results. Some of my other choices... not so much.


Lastly, today was a good day. Patience is a virtue I rarely posses with myself. I like things to happen now. I have been beating my head against that previously mentioned wall waiting for it to all change.  This morning it did. School is much closer to becoming a reality than I had anticipated. Knowing I am one step closer to a path has me excited to stop wandering aimlessly without a compass. I also picked up the June edition of the Yoga Journal this morning. No big deal, flipping through was my first published photo! (Page 35, June 2011 issue) I had been anxiously awaiting this moment since January. All this good news had me reflecting further on Einstein's definition. Maybe it is letting go of what doesn't serve us, maybe it is changing the things we want to be different in our lives, and likely it is having patience with ourselves and the universe while we wait for what will happen next.


Big love from West coast.