Cold as stone

I write this with tears still wet on my cheeks. For the first time in a long time, perhaps ever, I chose not to shut down, wall up, go into the mode that lets me get it done when my heart hurts too much. The decision to let it happen, to embrace the ache in my chest, to choose openness, to choose to trust and love and get on with it is overwhelming. Usually heartbreak, in any of its forms, scares me enough to throw me into a constant cycle of building and tearing down walls. The labour of it all is exhausting. Now I am lucky, heartbreak is fairly rare in my life (we will ignore that this may result from my inability to let people and places in easily). Sometimes it comes at the end of a long day or a short relationship. Sometimes it comes like a freight train out of a tunnel. Hitting you like tons of steel that you couldn't see coming. From time to time it is fleeting  and catches me off guard.

This afternoon was no different. It was a result of a realization that I have a lot to let go of and had been chipping away at it for a while now. It was a shock at the ties that still bind. The memories that flood back when you don't want them to, don't expect them.

The best part of this is that I much prefer this version of myself. Sometimes it feels good or strong to just push down what is uncomfortable. To ignore it, cover it up. Sometimes though it is nice to know that even when things hurt that it is so far from the end of the world, that it doesn't diminish who we are, it simply means we are human and we feel.