I haven't been writing as much this last week or so. You may have noticed. It may be a little relief to your inboxes, Facebook and twitter feeds.
It seems that when my life gets busy externally the things that drop away are the ones that matter. I tried to hold on to my goal of writing every second day but as nights got later it was either write or catch an extra half our of sleep, read one more article. Sometimes this is growing up. Putting in extra where it is demanded of you but being passionate enough about what is on the back burner to miss it. To fill in any gaps with it because at the end of the day it may not be getting you the marks, it may not be making you the big bucks but it is what gets you up in the morning, it's what makes your heart skip.
The last few days I have been thinking a lot about growing up. Much of it comes from the constant talk of careers and what we are all ' doing with our lives' but some of it comes as part of the filter through which I am viewing my life these days. It is a bit of a dichotomy I must admit, a pro and con list even, where I am going to end up? Where do I commit? How much effort do I make in relation to how long I think I will be in this city? What relationships do I nurture? Why?
Part of me sees Vancouver for its flaws. I know how obvious this seems. For every earthquake (yes, my big fear moving out here was realized) and all those hours stuck in traffic a voice inside me says "see, you were right, this isn't for you". The thing that has begun to change though is that it really isn't a big deal. I missed this 'big' 6.7 on the Richter scale earthquake while walking home from a coffee shop yesterday. My drive to west van tonight was long and at times frustrating but getting out of downtown, seeing the sunset, having space and quiet was worth every minute stuck behind that VW Jetta on Georgia. Even with earth shakings and gridlock traffic, life is pretty amazing.
On the flip side going home becomes less and less of an option. I miss it tremendously and the first feelings of sadness that come over me are often for the lack of sky here. I just miss the endless cerulean of the Alberta prairies but my home is going up for sale in the near future, my friends are moving away or moving on or growing apart and I even had a dream that Punk Rock Bingo at the Ship was coming to an end. Sure signs that I need to let go, I need to move on. We are all just growing up I guess. It is just another lens to see through.
The last few days I have been thinking a lot about growing up. Much of it comes from the constant talk of careers and what we are all ' doing with our lives' but some of it comes as part of the filter through which I am viewing my life these days. It is a bit of a dichotomy I must admit, a pro and con list even, where I am going to end up? Where do I commit? How much effort do I make in relation to how long I think I will be in this city? What relationships do I nurture? Why?
Part of me sees Vancouver for its flaws. I know how obvious this seems. For every earthquake (yes, my big fear moving out here was realized) and all those hours stuck in traffic a voice inside me says "see, you were right, this isn't for you". The thing that has begun to change though is that it really isn't a big deal. I missed this 'big' 6.7 on the Richter scale earthquake while walking home from a coffee shop yesterday. My drive to west van tonight was long and at times frustrating but getting out of downtown, seeing the sunset, having space and quiet was worth every minute stuck behind that VW Jetta on Georgia. Even with earth shakings and gridlock traffic, life is pretty amazing.
On the flip side going home becomes less and less of an option. I miss it tremendously and the first feelings of sadness that come over me are often for the lack of sky here. I just miss the endless cerulean of the Alberta prairies but my home is going up for sale in the near future, my friends are moving away or moving on or growing apart and I even had a dream that Punk Rock Bingo at the Ship was coming to an end. Sure signs that I need to let go, I need to move on. We are all just growing up I guess. It is just another lens to see through.
J-Keg,
ReplyDeleteI always check and read your blog, because it always makes me stop and think about why I do things.
And I think that for me, it's easier to think of home as where I am. To long for and miss the things that I loved about a place I lived (huge old trees, salt haze from the ocean, asphalt that melts in the summer heat, warm constant trade winds, ice pushing up through the dirt, autumn) but to try and be my own constant.
That way I am always home. And letting go becomes less scary.
Love,
Nik.