Pick up.

I sit here, a few glasses of red wine later, at the end of a great day. Possibilities abound, in new friendships, career possibilities or extra curricular. Though the beginning was less than than engaging the rest was exceptional. Common ground. Connection. 

It certainly makes a difference to this one.

Strolling along the edge of the sea, a man catches sight of a young woman who appears to be engaged in a ritual dance. She stoops down, and then straightens to her full height, casting her arm out in an arc. Drawing closer, he sees that the beach around her is littered with starfish, and she is throwing them one by one into the sea. He lightly mocks her: “There are stranded starfish as far as the eye can see, for miles up the beach. What difference can saving a few of them possibly make?” Smiling, she bends down and once more tosses a starfish out over the water, saying serenely, “It certainly makes a difference to this one.”
—Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander,
The Art of Possibility (2000) 


This is how my day started. The way so many staff trainings, goal coachings, camp chapel talks and campfires had started years past.  A story that brought tears to my eyes sitting in a room with 111 other MBA Candidates. Tears that I was way to concerned with hiding so that no one could see, no one would think I was weak, no one would think I was soft. Surprisingly enough a day that started with talk of openness, possibility and contributing to others turned out to be my biggest ego battle yet. A good friend once told me, while life coaching the crap out of me, pushing through my thick walls to start a very necessary breakdown, that when things change all our defence mechanisms, our 'strong suits' and 'acts' as Landmark would call them, rise up. Today this was me in full force. 


 My greatest joy in life is to connect with others, inspire them, motivate them to greatness and support them along the way. My goal in life is to always be the coach, helping the game be played better and better. Today I pretty much threw those ideas out, those integral core values, and focussed on my obsession with looking good. Now I know you might all be thinking "What does she mean? Did she take a hair straightener and eyelash extensions to school? Did she wear the newest designers? Has she been fake tanning again?" The answer is no, and somedays I wish I had that time and energy. It is a different kind of looking good that I am referring to. The kind that looks like acting in different and inauthentic ways to make people like you, encourage them to have a different perspective of you than might be real. When I am put into new and stressful situations I default to humour and a little shock value. Instead of connecting I tease. Instead of listening and being patient I frantically worry about trying to seem less vulnerable, to avoid showing weakness in any way. Today was a case in point. I spent much of last night and a good part of today stressing about having to do a high ropes course, something I avoided with great skill as a camp counsellor. As much as I tried to focus on everything else I just couldn't get it out my head. I freeze when faced with heights. It is totally illogical and no matter what else I can talk myself through, skiing off cliffs, clinging to the back of a motorcycle, moving and changing place time after time heights still get me. Make my knees lock. Make me freeze. 


To make matters worse my freezing wasn't just embarrassing or scary, it added another whole dimension. I was acutely aware at what everyone else was thinking. Would this impact who would want to work with me in groups? Would they simply see me as a scared little girl? Could I be a leader if I couldn't even get off a ladder? Totally irrational. A better version of me would have let it go. A better version would have understood that it was one moment and that at the end of the day it mattered less than I could have imagined but I am tired and I am unsure and I don't know what to expect and so that best version of me decided to spend the day in bed and I got the now version. The real version. And so the lessons are greater as they always are when they are harder. Those of us who may not realize it likely have egos too. I know mine gets right up in my grill any chance it has. At the end of the day it is remembering that all we have is what we can be for others. Tomorrow is a new day, thank god, and all I have, all we have, is to let go of the fear and insecurity and all that looking good and simply be. Ask those best versions of ourselves to come join us and be the now versions we require.


And the starfish, the starfish that started my day off so right. Had that been what I held onto. Had that been what I let fill my day oh what possibilities could have been created. Well, on to tomorrow. 

And I built a home for you for me.

Talking about values is something I am used to coming from my background of stretchy pants and smiling girls and goal coaching and endless talk of inspiration. It is something I relate to in class when we talk about the core values of a company or when I read business articles about empowering employees to be more productive, or how to effectively delegate. I have toyed with a list of my own core values for a long time. Today I realized in full force that when it comes down to it I have one that stands out, one that encompasses all others. It is my Core value. Connection.

Integrity, leadership, family, courage, love, learning, entrepreneurship, these all follow a common thread of connectedness to place, people and ideas.

There is something to be said about instant connection. Sometimes it happens to us out of nowhere, like seeing a pod of killer whales from the side of the ferry before everyone else does, it is both extremely rare and extremely precious, a sign that the world is still working in mysterious and exciting ways. There are those of us who see this everywhere, deem every chance meeting as an otherworldly sign of great and significant long-term connection. I don’t doubt that we can learn from and interact with all those that we encounter but those true friendships don’t come with every introduction, in my mind. On the other extreme I have come across those who don’t believe in instant connection, love at first sight, best friends in a matter of minutes or even hours.

I do. I have a dearest friend. My golden girl, I met her in just such a way. There was no reason for us to inspire each other, to connect so deeply, to ‘get it’ right off the bat. But we did. It happens to me from time to time and just kind of know, this is going to be good. This is going to be someone I can call in the middle of the night when my boyfriend breaks my heart, this is someone I can call at work to celebrate even the smallest accomplishments. Distance hasn’t posed a problem for my golden girl and I even with an entire expanse of mountain, prairie and Canadian Shield flung out between us. It is a bond that lasts longer than weeks of telephone and text message tag. We are kindred spirits.

Often my biggest challenge is being patient and open to waiting for these connections and appreciating what comes between. It is easy to be optimistic, to grasp at straws and what ifs. Making what just isn’t there into more than it is. It is easy to crave this connection more than it is available to us.  I find it happens all the time and that is fine. If we were deeply connected to everyone around us life might be exhausting. I find these days with so much excitement, so many new people to meet, I have to stop and take a breath sometimes. I have to try to let it all flow more naturally instead of forcing things where they are not. In the end there are people that it just clicks with immediately and those who will likely be friends and acquaintances for a long time going forward but maybe nothing more. And that’s ok. That is important too.

Luckily I have had a few instant connections lately. It was bound to happen with the sheer volume of people I have been meeting. Some are old connections that were always there but are newly renewed, across mountains and provinces. As ever I am blessed that my life is filled with so many amazing and inspiring people. People who are brave enough to say what’s really going on and who ultimately are brave enough to create a space where I will, often grudgingly, do the same. I am not sure what I am hoping to get out of this basic explanation of what moves me. I feel a little worn down at the end of this long day and my head keeps telling me this is just going to get worse and worse. I am excited for what is to come but also nervous. What will get us through, what will make this a year that we wont soon forget, is the connections we make.

Days like this.

It is with a full heart I write this. I am back. Back to the place and time where I was happiest I think, where I was the most inspired. It was a transition going from living with my bustling family to living on my own, going from a 50+ hour work week to studying in coffee shops, selling photography, and making friendships over punk rock bingo on Tuesday nights. At first it was both incredibly exciting and simultaneously scared the crap out of me. I felt up in the air, a little off center, not sure what was going on or where I was going. Then it all fell into place. Living on my own filled me with joy and authenticity. My life was more my own than I had ever expected. I felt saturated, inspired. I laughed and cried spontaneously and daily, finally ok to just feel how I felt. I felt deeply connected to my community and also totally ok to spend much of each day on my own. I learned never to be bored and always to be curious, always seeking a little mystery in my days. It was a few perfect months spent living the life I had been dreaming of for so long.

Then I did what I usually do. I changed it all up. I packed my life in my Volvo station wagon, drove west, my heart like a magnet drawing me ever towards ocean and mountains. Trading endless sky and plains and Rockies for tall buildings and bridges and trees and water. Once again my life was upside down, I couldn’t get to grips, found anxiety more present than peace. A tightness in my chest that wouldn’t go away.  A wall up, a disenchantment with what I had found, clinging too tightly to what I had left behind. Finally, after a summer of trying to figure it all out, I have found my stride. It feels like it did, same same but different. I am grateful for this, for the lightness, for the excitement, for the peace. Vancouver is becoming home. Another place of connection.  And the beauty of it all it that life is never really as you expected. We can make plans all we want and then suddenly it all changes again and that is where we learn. That is where we grow. That is how we get back to those 'Happiest months ever'.

Do what you love, Love what you do.

When it comes down to it, it is all about the choices we make. It is all about the clarity to see the bigger picture. It is all about looking at the world with a little bit of wonder, a little bit of mystery.

Being in a program with about 100 people from all different continents, backgrounds, of all different ages and experiences is a most unique and astounding experience. Even more astounding is that at the end of the day we are all here for the same reason. To do what we love. To love what we do. The common bond makes the upcoming 4 months of stress bearable. Each class, each challenge, each endlessly late night all in the pursuit of achieving the big goals. The ones that mean something.

This morning I woke up, 6 hours later than normal, to Jack Layton's state funeral. Not being incredibly knowledgeable of politics, or even reasonably so, all I knew about Jack and the NDP I learned from my sister and limited watching of the news. All I knew for sure was that he seemed like a good guy, incredibly interesting, endlessly compassionate and tireless in the pursuit of what he believed was right. I think we can learn a lot about from this. He is our shining example of  someone who truly did what he loved and loved what he did. Hearing other speak of him, seeing the reaction of the crowds in Toronto and becoming moved and inspired myself, it is evident that he was a different kind of leader. He was someone who I will go so far as to say, boldly lead the trend of learning the rules of the game then systematically breaking them. He has left a legacy that I hope will not be soon forgotten and that will be actively embraced by those left behind.

No matter who it is, it all comes down to choices. Sometimes it is hard to choose a road that hasn't been tread before but looking at these challenges, this trail breaking, as an adventure, as a tool to get the end result can make all the difference. A few days ago I decided that I was intrigued by accounting. Yes, accounting. Going into each class and learning more about something that will make me successful at owning my own business, seeing each uncomfortable lack of knowledge as an exciting chance to learn more. I could choose to make these discouraging, get bogged down in the overwhelming volume of things I don't know, haven't yet learned but why? Yes, there will be days when I am sure this will happen but isn't it more fun, more productive, to see it all as one great challenge that has an equally great reward?

Perspective, choice, do what you love. Choose what you do.

Molly.

Jack would like these MBA students.

Doing what we love.

Heart in hand.

I seem to have been updating every electronic device I own over the last few days. Pretty much just lap top and phone but that is likely beside the point. Anyway I was picking through some tunes while shuffling the goods around my beloved phone and came across Jann Arden. She is kind of hilarious, kind of a rock star, kind of a big deal. Ok not kind of. This hit home hard. Got me up, got me singing along... into my hairbrush. Yes, I do own a hairbrush and yes, it's primary purpose is microphone duty.


Take a peek, sing a long. Be yourself.

I've got money in my pocket,
I like the color of my hair.
I've got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I've got a car.
I've got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I've never wanted anything.
No I've, no I've, I've never wanted anything,
so bad...

Cardboard masks of all the people I've been
Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled
dented God Damned miseries!!
You could say I'm hard to hold,
But if you knew me you'd know,
I've got a good father,
And his strength is what makes me cry.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I've never wanted anything,
No I've, no I've, I've never
wanted anything so bad...

I've got money in my pockets,
I like the color of my hair.
I've got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I've got a car.
I've got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.

Heart in hand,
Feet on ground,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
just be yourself.
just be yourself.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Feet on ground,
Heart in hand....

When your love is safe

Expectations. We all have them. In spades.

I was casually/narcissistically rereading old blog posts and the ones from late January and early February struck a cord. My focus was firmly on my own inauthenticity and a desire to let that go. I was also obsessed with the idea of finally moving to Vancouver and starting the life I so desired. It's funny looking back at the expectations I held for where I'd be, who I was becoming, what all this newness would hold. I had an idealistic view of what life in Vancouver would entail. I saw long sunny jogs through Stanley Park, seeing all of my old summer camp friends all the time, beach days and sweet summer jobs. I expected myself to be thinner and for some reason taller. I had a large disposable income and was always happy. Simply for a change of place. It's amazing how when reality doesn't align with these expectations the disappointment that is felt and strangely we, as humans, have a tendency to continue to have expectations anyway.

Happily my expectations have not been met. Life is not as I pictured it but I never would have been able to predict where I am now. The more I let go of expectations for what is to come the more I seem to be acting in accordance with who I aspire to be and the more I am able to stay present. Each day seems to be a happy surprise. This being said life isn't perfect but I sure seems like less of a fall when it is not constantly built up and placed on a pedistal.

A Remarkable Stillness.

Stillness.

I like high volume. I crave busyness, movement, speed, and distraction. The drain these things put on me makes me feel alive. Pushing hard when you feel like you may not have enough left in the tank can be thrilling. I am looking forward to months and months ahead of me like this. Living for the rush of it all has gotten me into and out of the best and worst times and that bodes well for a program where I will have to play all out, full on, for a prolonged period of time but a realization has hit me slowly this summer. It resonates in my bones and when I go with out I feel a thirst deep in my core. When it is satiated it feels like deep cool spring water filling me up, cell by cell. It is for stillness. Coming home from dinner tonight it hit me again, like it has so many times over the past month. I was looking up at the stars, head thrown back, and the cool air flowing over my collarbones, my favourite feeling in the world, and I knew. Stillness. That is what brings me peace.

Some might argue that more balance would limit this pursuit of speed and stillness in exchange for a mediocre pace to my life. I would like to disagree. I live for the sweet contrast that comes with a passion for extremes. And finally, after most of the last twenty-six years, I can place my love of the outdoors, my need to be near trees and mountains and more often than not, to be near water. My time in Whistler, in Nelson, on and or near the islands around Vancouver have really taught me something about myself, that I need to slow down once in a while. Sit still. Take it all in. Breathe in fresh air, eat good food, love everything around me. See beauty in the small and the big. It fills me up the way summer camp used to. I feel saturated with health, with happiness and with the energy to go back into the city and do big things.

Funny enough it is becoming crystal clear why I am so drawn to living away from some of the bustle of big cities. My time in Calgary was marked with strong feelings of living in a close knit community, with drives to the mountains, with making the most of what was not big city living in the heart of an urban centre. This must be quite rare and living right smack in the centre of an internationally recognized city such as Vancouver doesn’t afford me the opportunity of stillness to balance out the manic speed of it all. Laid back West Coast and all. It is becoming clear that the draw of small mountain towns, island living, and community-focused areas near nature are truly the revitalizing properties of stillness and peace. Of the remarkable beauty in the mundane and unremarkable. 

Someway, baby, it's part of me, apart from me.

When it rains it pours. It is always the way. Like attracts like and when there is lots going on in your life more just keeps coming. And like the prairie storms I miss with every fibre of my heart when it comes... oh, it comes a rolling and thundering down the plains or across the Rockies. Big sky country. That is my life these days.

I am particularly good at keeping my shit together when need be. I, like so many of us push down the uncomfortable, ignoring or blocking it out until it is more convenient to deal with or until the pressure is too much and slowly it rears its head. Stuff that didn't seem to affect me six months ago is now coming up. The nature of this time of year is change. It's no wonder, I've turned my life on its head.

I sat with my oldest and dearest friend tonight. Her first wedding anniversary is a few days away and we both sat, in the sun, wine glass in hand, in amazement at what we had been through in 360 some odd days. How different it was now than we could have ever expected a year ago on the shores of Greece. And everything has changed. It's funny that life pulls at you, drags you were ever it wants like an errant dog on a really good walk leading its owner after scent after scent. Looking back to where I stood last August the last place, both physically and otherwise, I would ever have expected to be is here. That says something I believe. As someone with a firm conviction that where you are is where you're meant to be it feels right to be in this place and time. I hope your lives find you in a similar predicament.

I can say with certainty that I learned more than accounting today (the course I am currently working through). I saw a glimpse of where my life might lead me and who and what I fall back on when the chips are down. At the end of the day, and for me it is well past the end of the day now, it might surprise you who is still on your side and who can't muster. Then again.... it may not.

One of my favourite rules of thumb will always be that you are who are for people. Human connection is a gift that i think many of us, my self most definitely included, take for granted. Yet it is really all we have, have to get by, to go forward, to create possibility and to inspire ourselves and those around us.  Connection and big sky.

Remarkable.

I read an article this morning about the rise in popularity of iPhone apps like Instagram and Hipstamatic. It illuminated the idea that part of the appeal of photography is it’s ability allow the viewer to bring emotions and past experiences to the photograph, to fill in the gaps in reality that didn’t translate onto film. That is in part why photography stirs up emotion in our hearts and heads. Each viewing is a personal journey into our own memories and previous experiences.  A single image can sum up a story, a trip, or an entire emotion.

One photo hangs above my bed. I don’t often print and frame my own photography for myself so this one is special. It captures place, time, and the amazing feeling of finding just the right light, in just the right place and being there all alone surrounded by a city that is deeply yours.

I have written before that I love cranes. They dominated the skyline of Calgary for a long time, much of the last decade to be exact. Moving gracefully, bright, vivid colours contrasted against that cerulean sky. I always imagined the men and women who operate them and the stories they could tell of building up our city piece by piece, beam by beam.  In addition to cranes I am also drawn to the beauty of ally ways. Places that are often hidden or forgotten are some of my favourite to walk, to explore, to photograph.  These two things came together one evening in a perfect Calgary light. The shimmering, golden evening making everything, the sky, crane, ally, dirty, unremarkable buildings, truly and utterly remarkable.

And that is what photography does for our lives. It makes the ordinary remarkable. It gives us a rare chance in the day to use our imaginations to fill in the blanks. It is inspiring. It is beautiful.

Pick up the pieces and move on.

It always feels something to let go and create space. It always feels good afterwards but during the process there is a tendency to feel like someone or something has taken a large chunk of heart and perhaps a bit of lung out of your chest, graphic I know. I tend to feel quite hollow, short of breath even, like I've just had a good cry. Isn't that why we cry though? To let go, release something that's been building.  It hurts. It hurts to cut lose something you hold onto so tightly. In the end sometimes we let go because we are truly over it, other times we let go because we finally convince ourselves it is the right thing to do. Often, for those of us that sometimes hold on too tightly to ideas, places, people, we let go simply because it is to exhausting to keep holding on.

I woke up with that empty feeling in my chest this morning. Felt like I had been crying but couldn't place why. I thought it might be heartache from homesickness. Perhaps it was an over reaction to something as trivial as being tired from a late night, could it be some anxiety for the upcoming workload at school? In the end it was the last break from something I should have let go of forever ago. The realization of this is something to be briefly mourned. All I am left with is space. A vacuum for possibility.

I learned a little bit from a day of this strange emptiness. I am usually so resistant to change, to leaving things behind or letting them go because I know it is uncomfortable. The last step is supposed to hurt, to feel not-right because it is our nature to hoard, to want to cling to our past and present. To get past this it is all for us to create. Just space.

Heart don't forget.

I am cleaning my room. My tiny tiny highly structured-to-be-organized room. Maybe it's fall cleaning, maybe I just know that my life is about to get all kinds of hectic in an amazing and exciting ways, or maybe it is a function of my choice to live a life of greatness and a clean, well organized room is the first step.

One of my favourite things about room cleaning, and I mean really thorough room cleaning is stumbling upon all the little treasures that I hide away. I was trying to find an empty box to put school supplies in and came across the pieces of a vision board to be. Vibrant little colours and pieces of things that one day I hope to be mine or part of something I create. This little orange box also held pieces of my life. The important scraps and tickets and slivers of moments that I can't give up. No matter how hard I try. The most significant thing in there is the small card we received at the memorial service of a dear high school teacher from earlier this spring. Reading through brought back some sadness from that day and the other services I have sat through in the last decade, some all at once, some over time. More importantly though it brought up a couple of touch stones. Be outside, teach others, be good then be fast, and leave the legacy you deserve. What a great lesson.

So with that I am off to discover the North Shore with a new friend and I couldn't be more excited for all the new beginnings and maybe even more for bringing a few things along from the past to ease the way.

Rejoice I could, rejoice I could, could take a choice, the choice I took

I've had a heck of a time sitting still long enough to write these days. That is when I need it the most and am quick to forget that settling my brain is what keeps me energized during times like this.

There are a million things setting my tiny heart on fire and making it skip beat after beat these days. I keep almost sitting down to put words to paper (or more realistically fingers to keys) and get side swiped by something else. Something else that inspires me. Sparks me. It is all possibility.


A dear friend wrote "Sometimes you just have to trust in yourself, that you are the possibility of creating greatness" . As she is the perennial optimist this didn't surprise me so much as helped me realize what was going on in my own life, and as often happens when like attracts like, the lives of those around me. I have made a lot of decisions that didn't work out at the time. I don't really believe in regrets but I know I could have learned a few lessons with a little less heart break, with a little more efficiency. I have also made some brilliant moves. Choices that could have been disastrous and yet seem to be the best I have made in a long time. Ever even. Funny enough they always came when I trusted myself most. When I made up my mind to go after what I wanted. After greatness. As I learned today, when those big risks, the leaps, when betting everything on yourself starts to pay off... well, I couldn't be more sure of my friend's words.


Daily I am in awe being part of the program I am embarking on. I am grateful that I get to be part of it with all the obstacles that could have so easily held me back. This is more than enough affirmation that making choices about who you want to be, what you want to do, what greatness you are ready to take a stand for, are the right choices but I am so lucky to also have the support of those around me. The heartfelt notes from two golden girls made it clear that we are not who we are for ourselves, we are first and foremost who we are for our people. The legacy we leave for others when we are gone is pivotal and I am aware more and more that connection is key to living a whole hearted life here.


Tonight on my run by the ocean the light was incredible. A time when I wished running with my Rebel was more feasible. Truly a photographers' dream. Sea and sky gleaming as the sun thought about heading west for the night. Vancouver in all her glory. And all I could think of was home....

p.s. I can listen to this song on repeat (for days). It seems to fit any mode or day... PURE LOVE.

One More.

I have been off taking a break. I find it challenging to live in the moment for extended periods of time but I may have found the cure.


I have been visiting my favourite small mountain town. A hectic life of work and house guests and big city living in preparation for school fast approaching has been replaced by, dare I say, Utopia.

The day after I arrived (nothing provides perspective or transportation like an 8 hour highway drive) I hiked up Pulpit Rock. The equivalent of Tunnel Mountain for Banffites, The Grind for those in Vancouver or the Chief for the lucky few in Squamish, Pulpit Rock is the local gym. The hike that people do daily instead of the stair master. It was the second time I had "worked out" in about a month. Puke zone indeed. Getting to the top I began to think to myself, ok one more kilometre, one more switch back, one more step. Funny thing is that it dawned on me that this was how everyone found success. The top athletes were usually the ones who trained one more hour then the others, the great explores sailed one more day (or maybe a few) than those who narrowly missed discoveries, the best inventors tried one more time when others had given up. To get to the top all I had to do was continue to take one more step. As I continued to do to this hike daily it became almost meditative, a chance to be by myself in nature and just let my mind settle. The first day I had little energy and had to drag my self up but each day after I looked to it as something I wanted to do. I enjoyed the journey, the exercise and the time.

Each trip up the hill was followed by a dip in the lake. The really really cold lake. With no time pressing I began to just stand in the water, I never really had any intention of swimming, simply enjoying standing with my legs in the glacier fed water and my chest facing the sun. Certain days I would get in hip deep others right up to my chest and other still I would take the plunge and swim. These activities later pushed me into road biking in the afternoons. Just because I could.

Now biking along the North shore of Kootney lake is pretty spectacular. The wind whipping at you (or hopefully behind you) and the sun beating down makes for a lovely afternoon. Just avoid the goose poop splatter, truly a word of warning.




I had fallen into "Nelson time" as my parents called it. Never in a hurry. I had also given up any socially acceptable dress standards for bathing suits, bike shorts and if I was lucky, lululemon running shorts with an oversized denim shirt. Pure class. The thing is though when I just decided to take full advantage of this last week of freedom before beginning an exciting  but challenging program I really feel like I am getting the most out of it. Maybe it's the spring water we are drinking right out of the side of the mountain, maybe it's our steady diet of delicious organic and mostly local food, likely it's some vitamin D over dose from all the activities in the brilliant days, perhaps it's a gluten free beer in the evenings on the deck. What ever it is if you can get your self some, slow down, enjoy the good things I say do it. In the words of the cheesy but ever true lululemon manifesto: Do It Now Do It Now Do It Now.... and then enjoy.

Magical land of deliciousness. 

My favourite Nelson ally.

Market time. I.wanted.everything.

Street signs and sunny days.

World's Best Coffee Shop.

Birds of a feather. Lunch with a new friend.