I've been aching for a day like today for a long time. These are the moments of seeming insignificance that mark growth, hope and unbridled possibility. They used to show up for me as a handful of seconds when the voice inside would say "this is going to be ok" and a rush of hope and belief would fill me. Lucky enough, these sparks would often come when the chips were down, on grey days or days filled with only the new and nothing of the familiar, at those seconds when I needed them most. When I lived alone in Calgary in the quasi-limbo between my final days selling stretchy pants and the start of my MBA I would have these days often. Instead of just moments this feeling would fill weeks and instead of being a fleeting bust of reassurance it grew into authenticity, abundance and freedom. I've been aching for this. For the feeling like I'm taking my life into my own two hands and that the universe is firmly on my side.
It has been a long few years of growing up. It has taken a toll on who I know myself to me. Yesterday, so much like the day that I said "this is next" when I left the security of lulu and risked it all on a mediocre understanding of basic calculus was a turning point when I went from what I thought I knew about the next 3-5 years and to having no idea what 6 months or a year could hold. When provided with one option that you refuse to take you are suddenly forced to stand in nothing and pick from everything what it is you truly want, who it is you truly are. Yesterday I got the news that I was likely going to have to play big at some point in the next six months or so. There would be a chance I wouldn't have a steady income, or at least that steady income would be "significantly less" than what I have worked hard for. Instead of accept that as fact I reacted yesterday. Not as quickly as I had the last big time but enough that when I called my parents I had a game plan, I had moxie. It is terrifying to be on the knife's edge, knowing that on one side is what you won't accept and on the other is the great unknown. I would be lying if I told you I didn't freak out a bit last night, perhaps even feel a little sorry for myself, asking myself "when will all this just settle". But this morning, I felt like me again, my 2011 self if we are going to get specific. The one who took risks, bet on herself and did exactly what the fuck she really wanted. So today I worked from home, turns out our condo is really nice during the day with the sun streaming in the 17 foot windows and the breeze coming in through the open patio doors. I listened to the music I wanted to listen to, the kind that lights me up and gets my brain churning out the good stuff, not the hum of the quiet office. I wore what makes me feel confident, the fact is that is just not business casual, and definitly not "Business". Instead of feeling wiped at the end of the day, like i'd been living someone else's life for nine hours I felt like myself. With stuff quickly getting figured out, shit getting taken on and great things on the precipice.
So here's the good news: Even though I am not sure what my financials will look like in the fall I booked a ticket home to Vancouver for May long. I will travel this summer and try and get as much life living and skill building in as I can before the next big career move. At the end of the day this is where my life is best lived. I am a much more productive and exciting human being to be around when I am forced to chose what and who I really want to be.
It has been a long few years of growing up. It has taken a toll on who I know myself to me. Yesterday, so much like the day that I said "this is next" when I left the security of lulu and risked it all on a mediocre understanding of basic calculus was a turning point when I went from what I thought I knew about the next 3-5 years and to having no idea what 6 months or a year could hold. When provided with one option that you refuse to take you are suddenly forced to stand in nothing and pick from everything what it is you truly want, who it is you truly are. Yesterday I got the news that I was likely going to have to play big at some point in the next six months or so. There would be a chance I wouldn't have a steady income, or at least that steady income would be "significantly less" than what I have worked hard for. Instead of accept that as fact I reacted yesterday. Not as quickly as I had the last big time but enough that when I called my parents I had a game plan, I had moxie. It is terrifying to be on the knife's edge, knowing that on one side is what you won't accept and on the other is the great unknown. I would be lying if I told you I didn't freak out a bit last night, perhaps even feel a little sorry for myself, asking myself "when will all this just settle". But this morning, I felt like me again, my 2011 self if we are going to get specific. The one who took risks, bet on herself and did exactly what the fuck she really wanted. So today I worked from home, turns out our condo is really nice during the day with the sun streaming in the 17 foot windows and the breeze coming in through the open patio doors. I listened to the music I wanted to listen to, the kind that lights me up and gets my brain churning out the good stuff, not the hum of the quiet office. I wore what makes me feel confident, the fact is that is just not business casual, and definitly not "Business". Instead of feeling wiped at the end of the day, like i'd been living someone else's life for nine hours I felt like myself. With stuff quickly getting figured out, shit getting taken on and great things on the precipice.
So here's the good news: Even though I am not sure what my financials will look like in the fall I booked a ticket home to Vancouver for May long. I will travel this summer and try and get as much life living and skill building in as I can before the next big career move. At the end of the day this is where my life is best lived. I am a much more productive and exciting human being to be around when I am forced to chose what and who I really want to be.
