Sweet Moments

Gratitude and believing in others, and yourself, are key to getting what you want. I have a friend. My Golden Girl to be exact. I look at her life and I see it all falling into place. Her gratitude for everything in her life from her tiny perfect kittens, once homeless and now little lions ruling her tiny white apartment, to her new ventures and the loving people that she calls her friends and family. Her ceaseless understanding that being grateful for what is in her life makes me appreciate mine more.

She pushes a life of greatness with such vigour it is unsurprising that she has so much to be thankful for in her life. We all do. But it is the way she shows it, the way that she makes those around her feel empowered and loved that I find so remarkable. It was her coaching over a year ago that changed it all. She changed the way I look at myself, careers, what I should be pursing, who I am for others, who I am in relationships. She gave me the tools to get my life to where I want it to be. To where it is now. For this I am grateful. Believing in others, something that seems to come so easily to her, is sometimes more challenging for me. As a girl who's fierce independence is bred from black soil, endless sky and a relentless pursuit of wide open spaces I find it challenging to trust, to rely on anyone else. It is instinctual for me to push away before letting myself open up. I have all the excuses in the book. My Golden Girl has taught me that this isn't what life is about. Sure, I am capable of doing it myself but connection is the reason we are here. Falling asleep knowing that someone is looking out for you makes it all a little easier. Makes it all a little nicer. This connection is where gratitude comes from. The little things. The sweet moments. I am grateful. 

Moved to the coast, under a mountain, swam in the ocean, slept on my own

Vancouver is my fickle lover. One day the city seduces me with expansive ocean views, sunny days, light reflected off glass and water. Others, he traps me in my room, dashing my daily plans with scorn. He pulls the light from my skies and soaks me to the bone, damp and cold. There are moments when I am elated, when he shows in colour and sound and bustling streets. There are days when it takes all my energy to love him the way I know I should. This city that has given me so much but who treats me with indifference. Who lures me to bed with promises of brighter days only to wake me up the next morning, rain pelting my windows.

This city has helped me rediscover being ok in darkness. This city has helped me to appreciate melancholy music, the sound track to rainy afternoons. It has given me purpose to dress with pops of colour to contrast the grey that often surrounds me. But, like any relationship where we are forced to grasp at straws, I will leave this city one day. Leave behind the damp grey loveless winter days for brightness. For warmth. For a city that cares.

But even the fickle lovers that leave us confused and down, we love them anyway. It is compassion and a need to live in both city and nature that moves us to be here in this place. The grey makes us all the more glad to see blue sky, to feel warm sun on our faces. The rain brings green year round. With the dark there is light.

light and space

It is the seemingly stolen moments that are some of the most meaningful to me these days. Writing which has nothing to do with finance, marketing, or the CSR practices of large companies is rare in my life right now and sitting here in the corner of the lounge provides me just that opportunity. Being at school before anyone else is strangely comforting. In a building that is rarely silent it is a peaceful contrast to the busyness that will erupt in a few hours. it is space. It is emptiness. Some thing that I crave right now while my whole life feels jam packed and somewhat crammed. Don't get me wrong, I feel I have space emotionally but it the physical pressure of cramped quarters, tightly packed buses, low grey sky, tall cold buildings, and high dark mountains that makes me long for expansive prairies and cerulean skies. Even open ocean would quench my thirst for space right now. 

This is why i seek out light and space. Try to surround myself with white walls, with spaces wider than my yoga mat, wedged between my bed and my desk.

Trophy Shelf of Learning.

Reading a dear friend's blog today made it all very clear to me. Sometimes what is hardest, sometimes what we initially see as failure, can be the moments we are most proud of. As she put it, these come to sit on our trophy shelf of learning.

I tend to be more reflective as of late and am astounded at how much as changed in the last year, in the last two years. Each step that seems strange, not 'on track', each step that could have been false, lead me to this place. This is not where I intended to be. This was not in my master plan of how my life would work out. It is so much better. The unknown is incredibly scary but it is also incredibly exciting. What I finding is that this great love of just figuring it out as I go, of enjoying the space in my life, makes it so incredibly challenging to set a clear vision, clear goals.

This is strange for me. I have in the past been the one who knew exactly what her life would look like, yes, right down to the feeling of the hardwood floors in my Kitsilano home. I knew what job, how many dogs, where I would live... everything 10 years down the road. Now... not only do I have little clue about that but I also don't know where I will be, what I will be doing this summer, next December. The thing is... when I was trying to plan it all I wasn't spending enough time out there, making mistakes, turning them into successes. Life is so much better now that I am spending all my busy time doing things. Yes. Doing things is the scientific term I was looking for.

This being said there is still so much merit in goal setting, in vision making. It is what guides the big picture. It is what forms the journey in the down time. Just make sure not to make the plan too air tight.

Gotta be a love.

Bad things happen to good people, it is how we deal with those things that defines us. 

Sarah Burke died this morning. Those she left clung to the hope she would recover from her devastating fall 9 days ago but sadly that wasn't the case. Like any time a young, vibrant, much loved life ends there is an outpouring of love. There is a deep hurt, confusion about why this would happen to such an amazing person, who gave so much in their short life. There is pain, because in this industry we tend to loose an icon a year these days. There is so much that would have us tend to the worst but something ultimately beautiful happens.... There is a rush to comfort and support those left behind. There is a renewed urge to tell those you love that they mean the world to you. For me, and so many others, there is a deep, insatiable need to be in the mountains. To be close to something greater than ourselves. Every time something like this happens I feel a magnetic tug in my chest. Leading me home. It was where Sarah shone. It was where she worked, played, fell in love with her friends, family and her passionate husband. It was where she, like so many of us, felt alive. 


Line skis Facebook page read: "Remember her, celebrate her life, hug your loved ones and go skiing for Sarah."


Beliveinsarah.tumblr.com posted: "It is in the toughest of moments which our hope must speak its loudest. Always #BelieveInSarah."


I remember I was in university when I discovered Sarah Burke. I wanted to BE her. She was funny, self assured and she skied like no one else I had ever seen. I read every article I could get my hands on and was perpetually astounded at what she would do, how hard she would compete in the worst of physical conditions. She had fortitude. She had spirit. She had an unwavering persistence. I will miss seeing her compete for her country at the 2014 Olympic Games. Her goal will go unfinished but those competing will surely feel her presence as they compete in sports she fought so hard to have included.


If you wish to make a donation to the fundraiser to help her family pay her outstanding medical bills the link is provided below:

http://www.giveforward.com/sarahburke

Gratitude.

Even when we have gratitude in abundance it is easy to take things in our lives for granted. It is hard to remember how good we have it all the time. When we have long days, hard weeks, when we get grumpy because the bus is late or the really good take out place is closed on Sundays or when we forget to say 'thank you' or 'I love you' because we just assume our friends and family know we mean it. I am so happy, so grateful for my program, for the amazing people in my life, for my health, for the support of my parents. I try to live my life in this gratitude but I will admit that I sometimes lose sight of this. 

That is something I am working towards, to passing on the gratitude I feel to those I feel it for. I want to make sure those in my life understand that I am not taking them for granted, not leaving anything on the table. 

And the mountains shall bring peace to the people

Nothing shakes a small community like loss. I sometimes forget what time of year it is until I start to get unsettled for no reason and realize that suddenly the middle of January is upon me without notice. Like migrating birds my body feels it, knows it, draws me in like constellations imprinted on my brain. In my bones, in the sinews holding me together, in the veins that pump blue under the pale skin of my arms I can feel it. I wasn't sure what was causing me to feel so low the last few days, what was causing a gut reaction to loss of any kind. Rigidity in my jaw any time that there was a possibility of someone slipping out of my life. This has caused me to cling as of lately. To everything. It is this time of year that I fear if I don't hold on tight it will all just happen again.

Sarah Burke, my idol for nearly a decade, wife of Rory Bushfield, fell the other day. I was watching tv eating breakfast and found myself in shock. Sarah Burke in a coma. Sarah Burke with a head injury. Sarah Burke who skied on blown knees, who married the most ridiculous boy in the world, who posed in her underwear and revolutionized my sport. In a coma. And I can't shake it. My heart goes out to her family and friends and all the others like me who don't know her but find inspiration in her life. My heart goes out to them because this is that time of year. In our community this time of year is marked with loss.

466 weeks ago. Every year I think I am past it. Think that I have moved forward from feeling this way. Every year I am more and more shocked that I still feel the loss. And as I write this through tears, rolling down my cheeks, soaking through my shirt, through the blanket on my lap I can't get past it. My heart still marked with the scars of grief. February 1st. An injury like Sarah's pulls a community together, loss brings people close because supporting oneself is just too much. The death of 7 young people in a school of less than 700 students is both devastating and life altering. I like to pretend that I am not still paralyzed when I am reminded of those weeks. I like to imagine that it no longer holds sway over my life. The reality is that this longing, loss and fear of losing people stays with me. Usually buried deep, these days it is hard to ignore. Just like the migration of whales north to south and back again it is instinctual, the short weeks leading up to the anniversary bring up more than I would like.

Through hard work I have come to create a parallel possibility that I am conscious of trying to embrace. It is not the possibility of loss and grief but one of connection and brining people into my life. It is the possibility that with my knowledge of the fragility of life that I must make sure that I spend time with the people in my life while I have the chance.  It is the understanding that I must embrace how I feel this time of year and use it to benefit my life, not allow it to drag me down.

... and the mountains shall bring peace to the people...

Where you invest your love you invest your life.

Sometimes the important questions are the hardest to ask. You put off saying things or having conversations because the risk is not adequately compensated. You can convince yourself for a while that it will happen when it needs to and you don't have time to worry about it now and even if you did, don't you just want to look laid back and cool? You live of the west coast darn it! But it is when asking those questions, to your self or the ones you need to ask, becomes what fills your core and you feel like you are beating your head against a glass wall, unable to move forward but unable to see clearly what is holding you back.

What holds me back is that my questions are for the most part un answerable and even if I did get a clear response I am not sure what I would do with it. I feel I am not alone in this. Many of us, for what ever reason, hold back for a multitude of reasons. The top of my list usually include not coming across the way I want, not looking good, sounding smart, seeming to have my shit together. They also include losing things I worked hard to get.  It seems like a clear answer to my easily convinced brain. What it sometimes forgets to include is what I would get from saying what I need to. I would get clarity of my next step, I would get peace of mind that I am not wasting my time and energy. I would have a better understanding of what I need to do to get where I want to go.

So it is like so many other things comes down to one thing... having the courage to do what is necessary. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.  In the case of saying and asking for answers to what holds you back takes such a persistence to act in the face of fear. Fortitude is one of my favourite words in the english language. It means, according to my grade 7 "Words are Important" book, courageous endurance of hardship. That overstates the anxiety of conversations by a mile. It keeps in perspective the bravery it takes to tell yourself, to ask those around you, to help you solve what aches you. 

3rd is the new 1st.

Exhaustion like this hasn't been a reality in a long time. Less than 12 hours sleep over 4 days may have been pushing it a little bit. It was all worth it though. The things that are often make the uncomfortable seem less significant.

I spent my weekend in edmonton with 39 classmates and 500 of my new closest friends for 3 days of MBA Games. As incredibly feisty underdogs we has our eyes on the Queen's Cup... and Alberta's affordable liquor prices. Over the weekend we cheered our voices off, danced harder, spider monkey-ed in the pool, played ops simulations like it was our job. We rode bulls, some of us better than others, we danced some more... and we had time to have a few drinks and make some friends along the way. At the end of it all we won none of the individual events but came 3rd over all. We joked that we were great at nothing but ok at everything. I disagree. 3rd place was the best finish of a Western Canadian school this year, it is also the best UBC has ever finished. We fought for each point we received and we just happened to do it our own way. Not only did we work hard this weekend but we played harder. I am sincerely convinced that we were happier about how we did than the champion team was about winning the whole event. 

This weekend was also more significant for me than just a good time away and a little friendly competition. I walked away with a better appreciation for the amazing people in my life. The people who don't let me back down from anything. The people who make potentially unnerving or awkward situations easier to handle. The people that take care of me even when I am at my worst. I am often worried that when I am run down and busy, constantly on the move with little consideration for taking care of myself, that people won't want me around, that I won't add value to teams but I am beginning to see that maybe this 'worst version' is really not so bad. Maybe this is who I am and when I am too tired or sore or what ever I am forced to dig a little deeper to get through, knowing that I am supported by those around me, knowing that I am leaving it all on the table. As ever I am so grateful for those in my program and those in my life. I couldn't be luckier. 

Sitting in my room this afternoon I could feel the sinews twitching under my skin, almost undetectable. I need something new, I need something more. I need an adventure. I need to feel like I am pushing myself for something worth it. It's hard, not knowing where I am going and only just beginning to comprehend the possibilities. School fills some of the void but most of me understands that this feeling is the one I get when ever its time for change. Time for something more. Time to shake off some of what holds me back. This weekend in all its glory brought back some of what it feels like to be doing that but who knows what else will. 

Remember

The anxiety of new and un-started things can bear heavy on me from time to time. I finished last semester tired but happy and not anxious the way I have felt the last 3 days. Driving home from dance practice it hit home loud and clear. I hate the idea of not being good at something. At failing. Turns out I am a closet perfectionist. I hate to admit it, but if not here then where? I hate the idea of letting some one down. Often it's myself but it is also those around me. I find myself setting the bar low just to make sure I get over it every time. This fear has paralyzed me from doing many things I would likely enjoy. Meeting new people, trying new things, I can make anything seem a logistical nightmare in my head and convince myself I shouldn't even try. This was a substantial road block in romantic relationships. All of this has eased up considerably as of late but with so many new things in my life and on the horizon I could feel the tightening in my chest and the frantic tone in my voice. It's not what it used to be but it is still there. It will likely always be present to some extent but I have to go back to believing my own good press and remember that I am here to learn, not to be perfect.

I was also reminded, on this very same ride home, that inspiration must find you working. It is a quote I have pinned to my wall and yet I forget about for days and weeks at a time and wonder why I have nothing to write about. Like anything in my life I am always better when I am busy. My writing is no different. It is easy to misplace and lose track of extraordinary events in your life if they all just blend into days and nights. Where there is so much going on it is easy to pick out the learnings, and significance. It may sound counter-intuitive, it does as I write this but to  me it all just makes sense.

ahhh, school life... how I missed you. 

The imprint of longing and distance.

So first day back at the grind and of course that means I have so much more to write about than when I am not around the people that make me laugh and inspire the pants off me.

Firstly, I fucking love school. I try not to swear here but that was the thought that kept running through my head  in class today while the Prof tried to gage the competency of our "finance for artists" class... that's what we call it anyway. All I could think of with a big goofy grin on my face was how much I had missed being around these people and this environment where I am constantly learning about something new and interesting. It was just another moment that affirmed what a spectacular choice/twist of fate being in this program has been.

Also came to the hilarious realization that I make to do lists simply to avoid doing things. I will make lists till the cows come home (is that an Alberta only saying?) but then proceed only to do the most simple tasks on the list. I feel as though it would be considerably more productive and likely more satisfying to check the big things off my  list that I have been avoiding, such as practicing for our MBA games dance routine. I am happy to 'pick up laundry detergent' but have been putting off 're-writing my vision'. This awareness may do little towards actually changing this habit, I feel satisfaction in checking things off my list, but it is nice to smile to myself as I notice what I have been avoiding and perhaps it will give me a little boost in motivation to do something about it.


Lastly, I realized how hard it is to miss people that normally hold space in your life. Strange enough more and more people I care about tend to not be in the same place as I am. I have a dear friend, a twin, who lives on the other side of the world. People who I care about live in Toronto, 3 hrs time difference and thousands of miles away. Many of my close friends still live in Calgary and even my parents have relocated to the remote. I feel this is a symptom of the wonder that is our global community. It is increasingly easy to meet people from other places and for people who come from the same soil and sky to leave for bright beaches and foreign voices. I am grateful for things like the internet and for phones and picture text messages more than I thought I would ever be, at times they make the distance a little less and yet that closeness reminds me that those people are too far away for the simply things. We can't go for coffee or a drink, physically console each other after a bad day or share a hug in celebration. Distance is a funny thing and in these young lives of ours it is more common and I believe more challenging to be in these relationships. Spread thin, stretched far. One of life's great pleasures that is sharply contrasted against icy prairie flats and vast deep oceans.

Annual Review.

I started 2012 a little apprehensively. 2011 had been such an epic, almost perfect year, that was I superstitiously dreading its end. I know this is unreasonable and little, if nothing has changed since yesterday. I woke up this morning with ambitious plans. I had started a number of goal setting exercise over the past few days and my plans were to finish them over the day, hopefully providing me some direction like 2011 had. I also wanted to simply get up, grab a coffee, go for a walk and bring the paper home to read in from of the TV.

I was re-inspired walking around my city and also astounded by the fact that mid winter here is like spring in Calgary... but with less snow. I love that it was a promising start to the new year. So here is some of what I came up with...

The theme of 2012 is the year of raising the bar and playing big, this time next year everything will be different, again. 2011 was getting to where I wanted to be. To checking off BHAGs (big hairy audacious goals) I was too scared to write down on paper. 2012 is about the finishing touches and playing a bigger game.  Some of my one year goals include:

- My writing is published by Dec 2012
- I have a job lined up for Jan 2013 in training and development
- I host a goal setting/coaching workshop for my MBA class by Dec 2012
- I experience Alaska
- I ski a 20 day season (3 down, 17 to go...)
- I create a strategy to pay off my student loan

They are all little steps to getting where I want to go, wherever that may be (ps. I have a better idea that I sometimes give my self credit for or allow myself to not freak out about).

So if this is something you're interested in here is process I found helpful:
how to conduct your own annual review

So that's it for a great first day. Hope you are as excited about 2012 as I am.