Not a year in review

I've been struggling to compile a year in review for 2012 and a game plan for 2013 for about the last week. It's not that i haven't had the time. I have had more time at my disposal since the 19th of December than I have in what feels like years, and in reality probably is. Part of it is for me that for the last 9 years I have never really felt like January first is the start of my year, February first has always been. At first this was for reasons sad and startling, now for a new and wonderful beginning!

For me this January will be much more of a wrapping up. I'm moving, to somewhere I claimed I never would but have recently fallen in love with. January will be about packing up my tiny apartment in Vancouver, about visiting my local haunts, about spending time with friends I may not see for a while. February will be all sorts of a new beginning. February first means a new home, a new job (fingers crossed), living in a city with some of my dearest friends and the person I like best. February will be all about finding my favourite coffee shops and yoga classes and where I can buy gluten free treats and fresh raspberries. Also where I can buy peonies when the season is right. 

It is hard to think that for the second time under two years everything is changing again. City, apartment, local friends, cheap sushi, and late night 5 cent sour key vendors, for those study nights that just need some nostalgia. But again it is just opportunity. The nice thing of starting at zero is that everything is ahead, ready to be created or taken hold of. It is a scary and wonderful feeling all at once. The kind of invigoration the soul needs once in a while. And yes, I am serial wanderer. Keeping me in one place for more than a handful of months is a task few are willing to take one, I myself am rarely one of them, but this time there is just SO MUCH adventure at my finger tips, I think I will be busy for a while. 

So that's it. 2012 has been a remarkable year. I feel I say that every year and I guess they all are but this was a big one. There have been years in the past where I was asked to step up and I did, years where I was told to step up and given no other option, but this year I can say with certainty  I was surrounded by people who gave me the space and tools and unwavering, if not incredibly humours, support to grow up a bit and get one step closer to the person I am meant to be. For that I am so grateful. 

Best of luck for 2013, may it be every bit as humorous and memorable as you can handle!

The Abyss

There's a question we've all been asked, what feels like a million times, "what are you going to do after the program?" The daunting thing is a lot of us don't know. With jobs market in Vancouver being less than in other parts of the country for strapping young folk with an extra 3 letters behind their names even the question of "what city?" becomes a tricky one to answer. Additionally most companies aren't hiring in december, between outgoing and incoming budgets and holiday breaks many of us will have at least a month to contemplate this. The answer many of us have been giving follows a sigh and usually includes the quintessential MBA answer... well it depends.

The thing is during the last few months it was easier to brush off the answer with the necessity of focusing on more urgent tasks like finishing assignments, exams or surviving the last few weeks of socializing. Last night was somewhat of a turning point. We celebrated with a Gala, the ones of us who were left, not on exchange, some first years, and some wonderful part timers. The topic of the night was as always "what's next." Suddenly there was nothing to hide behind and the uncertainty of my own future was startling. I couldn't even answer what side of the country I would be on and that scared the crap out of me. It felt as if there was a vice around my heart and lungs, I felt paralyzed and short of breath. This evening at just past 11, the advice I was given has finally hit home, a simple lesson in reframing. What I saw as the black abysses of uncertainty, I was reminded, was actually an exciting time of opportunity. The fact that I have no dependants, unless you count my beloved though needy student loan, no mortgage, no car payments, no pets, and only a very hardy bamboo plant to take care of means that the future really should be exciting and my life has a way of working out so I shouldn't be so scared. This was and is WAY harder than it sounds. Or maybe it sounds really hard.

What I find most striking is how quickly we were shoved in the deep end. Literally three days ago we were all doing projects, assignments, or writing exams. It felt like there would be another dozen pub nights just around the corner, we would all have a week off then see each other in class. This is not the case. Some of the best, most inspiring, most intelligent people I have ever met are all heading off in their own directions. There are some I hate to admit that I wont see again and a few that I care deeply about that I wont see for a while. We are all heading off to the next great thing, the reason we started with program in the first place. I guess what I'm getting at is I think we will all be ok. I think all of our little borderline type A personalities could use a month of contemplation and ... relaxation. At the end of the day, no matter how much we hate answering that question right now we are all much more competent than when we started. Many of us have changed everything we thought we would want and want to do in the last 16 months but I have great faith, well now I do anyway, that we just need to keep looking at the opportunities now available to us and be grateful. It is not the abyss.

We Can't Fight Gravity on a Planet That Insists

Well. This is almost it. Last MBA exam, complete. Last MBA class, finished. Just 3 papers and one presentation between me and the vast unknown.

I'm not sure whether I am in mourning over the passing of something so poignant, so wonderful, so beyond everything I had expected of it, or simply relieved, relieved to have my time and energy my own again (soon). In some ways I am excited for what comes next because for me it may mean new cities and jobs and communities. A whole new life. I am also nervous. Nervous about the compromise I will inevitably have to make to balance having a dream job, money to pay off looming student loans, the relationship I'v been waiting 7 months to be part of, and to be in a city that inspires me. It seems unlikely that I can have it all, and why should I be so lucky? My selfishness is a thirst I can't seem to quench.

With all this being said and done these last few days are something special. I am no longer the girl who nervously entered a program she felt she didn't belong in 16 short months ago. I am no longer the one who refuses to show weakness or vulnerability for fear I may get attached, get close, or worse someone would figure out I was just a girl who sold stretchy pants and had an archaeology degree, that I wasn't cut out for business school. It is not just my confidence that has come leaps and bounds in the last year and a half but also my capacity to get shit done. My skill set and tool box are far greater than they were when I moved to Vancouver and so are the friendships that I have made, or developed. I think by far the greatest change has come from within though. My sense of self is far greater than it has ever been. While no where near perfect, I have a better understanding of my strengths, I am no longer paralyzed by vulnerability, I am open to failure and excited by the opportunities to improve.

I don't believe it is a coincidence that my last class of the program was Leadership. This morning exemplifed what we have learned over the past year and a half. It was a recognition not of who we were but of who we are bound to become. To be honest I think that's what we all need right now. It was lesson in the people we are surrounded by and what we have been for each other. It was also a wonderful opportunity to discover what we would all really do if money, fear, and time were no object.   And we drank prosecco so that was nice.

While it's not quite over yet it is definitely the beginning of the very end and something that may take a little getting used to.  I am sure it will hit home harder as the week goes on and the unknown of what will I do, where will I live, and how will get a tiny bit closer to being figured out. 

Right now.

I feel my current and future life split into 3. The right now, the "holidays" and the beyond, the next great steps. There is always something going on, always change on the horizon but now more than usual it seems to surround me with no great hope of letting up for the foreseeable future. This is both wonderfully excited and paralyzingly terrifying.

The right now is really the next 3 weeks. My wonderful 16 months as a master student is about to end and my mind on the matter is split between a (conscious procrastination and) deliberate excavation of the pile of work due between now and then, and a bittersweet feeling that this is the end of an era, my favourite of my short life thus far. I am caught between trying to take advantage of each moment of socialization with my classmates and MBA family and to getting down to business, organizing and completing my lengthy list of to dos.   To be fair, this is the life section that causes me next to no stress, I am just trying to soak up the learning and love, it is no battle between hard places but just a whole bunch of good that I am trying to soak up and fit all in! God it's been good!

The "holidays" comes in quotations because I also fondly think of it as the in-between, the-job-and-apartment-hunt, the-travel-extravaganza, and the ski-and-eat-all-the-turkey time! It is the funny time between the end of something big and the start of something bigger. Though I tend to dread the frustration of the times "in between", I am looking forward to the down time, the focused but leisurely organize my life time, and the time to gather up my life here in Vancouver and head East. I am particularly looking forward to two weeks of whirlwind European adventure with my favourite human and then loads of family bonding in Nelson. I am not sure what will come of all this free time I am not used to but I do know it will probably be my last for a while so I better take advantage of all of it.

The beyond looms closer and I feel unprepared as I always do before a big leap, as we all must I can imagine. I am stressing about the move, about making a home, finding and connecting with a community, perhaps most importantly finding a job I like and can excel at. Life is about to change dramatically from that of a student, a big fish in a small but very very fun pond, to being one of  more than two and half million people. In a city that I long refused to even step foot in but over the past year have fallen head over heels for. If only it will do the same back. I know this is the right direction and that decisions like these rarely fall at a time in my life where I am finically over prepared, and I seem to be creating a trend of moving to cold places in the dead of winter. This all being said, and nerves aside, I am chomping at the bit to start something new, to nurture the relationships I have with friends and family who I spend far less time with that I would like to. I am excited to start fresh, again.

These transitions are inevitable though, and what make us young and vibrant and intelligent. Change and personal growth are crucial and the end of something comfortable must happen to make space for the new and bold, this is always the case. So the only comfort one can take is to make the most of the process and perhaps gain perspective where possible. This of course is easier said than done. It always is.

Thank you.

A year ago today I was embarking on the most hungover 8 hour drive of my life. It had been a weekend to remember, Thanksgivings have a tendency of being like that the last few years. I had swam in Kootenay lake (freezing), ate very well, and caught up with friends. I closed the book on one part of my life and opened another, that thanksgiving weekend is in fact the reason why my favourite iPhone contact ends in a question mark. This year has been dramatically different. In fact I just finished my "Thanksgiving Feast": a bowl of pasta with a spicy homemade sauce, a bottle of (GF) beer, and episode of trash TV before hitting my tiny laptop running with projects and exams to get finished. But I have gotten used to my life being flung far and wide and those who mean the most to me, my family live scattered across more time zones than I would like to acknowledge. That being said, yesterday was a very un-Alberta thanksgiving Sunday, spent with my favourite tiny family on a boat in the sun and then with my surrogate family, those who have seen me at my worst and hopefully at my best as well, my classmates, in our ugly sweaters.  So tonight, being physically alone on Thanksgiving Monday isn't as unnerving as it might have been twelve months ago.

With all this what I am thankful for this year is mostly new and wonderfully exciting. I am thankful for all my new friends/MBA family, who I would not have survived the last year without. I am grateful for the Kerrigan sense of adventure which leaves us scattered across this country, and me on my way to Spain in 4 short days. I am grateful for the challenges of this past year that have proved to me, finally, that I can really do it all. I am grateful beyond words for skype, facetime, Facebook chat, email, and international texting plans and would be THE MOST grateful if flights we just a little (lot) cheaper. I am thankful for 10 hour power dates and long walks home from Gastown. I am grateful that Jay still works... please Volvo gods, keep up the good work. I am grateful for my 'old' friends who have stuck with me through this all. Most of all I am very thankful for all the opportunities just over the horizon. For jobs yet to be secured, for wintery moves, for new lives, for adventure.

Thank you.

Photo Credit: Teresa Edgar

Photo Credit: Peter Edgar

Photo Credit: Skye Lee

The light at the corner of Davie and Granville

I haven't been taking pictures as of late. I didn't notice until I was walking home from the grocery store today. There is a spot at the corner of Davie and Granville that if you look one direction it is all sunset and abyss over the bridge. If you look the opposite, it is urbanity then mountains. Of all the random, inconspicuous, non-beautiful places in the city this one is my favourite. The light is almost incomprehensible and as I stopped before crossing, I was vividly reminded I was missing something. The lens. The way in which i used to view my hold world. This must change. Tomorrow, and the days going forward, my camera comes with me everywhere. 

And just like that, it's Fall again

And just like that it's fall again. I've felt it seeping into my bones for a while now but today she made herself know to all. While some dread the end of the summer I am happy for the weather to cool down (I am a prairie girl of course) and for it to be the season for hot tea, cozy sweaters and high boots.

Fall and I have been trying to coordinate for a while but today as I FINALLY settled into school work and long hours at my little second hand desk she decided it was time too, filling the Vancouver sky with grey and rain and an unmistakable chill. For me this comes at the end of a summer that felt like a blur. Surgery, recovery, trips across the country to ease the distance and longing in my heart. New beginnings, new friends, long office days and short summer nights. Excitement and exhaustion. Fall is a welcome reprieve and one last go at this MBA program I am so very fond of!

Fall also means the begging of the end for all I've become used to over the last year and that's ok too, as it makes room for new beginnings and all that comes with growing up a little. But not too quickly as there are still wonderful adventures coming up like a little trip across the pond in October and 3 months of debauchery!

So with all this in mind I apologize to all you Vancouverites who mourn the end of the ever too short summer as I excitedly dig out my favorite fall clothes!

Too stubborn to ask

Holy smokes! Looks like writing = reading, thanks team for the little shot of love!

So to me feedback you hear once should be always taken with at least a grain of salt. Feedback you get repeatedly from a variety of sources probably holds a little more weight. When it comes from people who care about you... maybe take that a little more seriously. This has been my last few weeks. At first (until a few hours ago...ok less than that) I took it pretty hard. The last thing I want is for people to notice something is wrong, even worse is for them to worry. I guess I seem to fool myself into thinking I am good at covering up all the cracks and looking shiny on the outside but that facade can be hard to hold up and from time to time people see the gross, insecure, scared, or sad parts we all try to gloss over with bright smiles, quick laughter or what ever else seems to work at the time. I'm not going to lie, the last two years have been ones of constant change, big change. They encompass many of my highest highs and a few of my lowest lows. I've been the best version of myself and the worst. I feel it in  my bones though that the time for change is not over and I have two options, rise and take advantage of all that this great world has to offer me or, slip into what has held me back in the past. It is evident to those who know me best that I am struggling with this. It is good though for me to recognize that I can't hide it and that I have to take steps, ask for help, and play the bigger game.

So thank you kind friends and family for not letting me get away with shit. Thank you to holding me to something far greater than mediocrity and for challenging to strive for something far more than what I often expect of myself. I am sorry for being snappy or defensive when you offer suggestions or ask me to step up. But at the end of the day isn't that what everyone really wants? A moment or so to let go of the mask and to allow yourself to be known to others, fears and vulnerability included? As much as I live in dread that this will result in a very lonesome existence it always tends to work the opposite way, it seems that almost every time these sorts of conversations just turn into a deeper friendship, a greater bond. I think what I am trying to say is that I am really grateful. I am grateful that my friends and family have the courage and or good sense to help me when I am far too stubborn to ask.

Life as we know it.

Ok, here's the deal. I am going to write again and I am going to do it whether I like it or not. I am going to do it because it takes discipline and it is good for me and I love to do it and I have just been lazy and chicken shit as of late.

Life as we know it is strange for an MBA student as I am finding out, both the easy and hard way. Our program is a little exercise in Change Management, something that as a student of Organizational Behaviour I should be perhaps more competent and open to dealing with. This is not always the case. I am a creature of habit, habits that can include adventure, but habits none the less. After a long summer of learning and adapting and trying many new things and learning to see silver linings and opportunities I was ecstatic, giddy even, to be thrust back into student life. I longed for days of jeans and flannel and TOMS. Of 4 hr class days and late starts. Of Thursday night pub nights and Friday morning group meetings and the people... oh the people. I am blessed, as always, to be surrounded by smart, funny, kind, generous and very good looking people in this program and it makes going to campus and holding up in our little building very very easy. The funny thing is, and this happens every 4 months or so for us, everything is subtly different. We are changing gears, slowing down ever so slightly academically and shifting up for getting jobs, moving forward, moving on. We are gearing up for our "real lives".

The funny thing is I have never had this exercise in growing up before. I have lived a life where money and status had always come second to pursuing something that I felt passionately about, that I loved, places with cultures I embraced wholeheartedly and was desperate to be a part of, even at the cost of drastically lower wages than my friends were making. I had worked training teenagers to be leaders, shaping a region's hiring and training practices, inspiring those around me and demanding the same inspiration from them. I lived life where all my worldly possession fit in the back of a navy blue volvo station wagon. I lived with little or no savings in the bank and with a firm belief in pronoia . Things had always worked out in the past and I have always had faith that they would continue to do just that.

With this in mind, a value firmly rooted in my belief system, life as we know it has already started to change. Some classmates have already  moved on, flung far to other sides of the world for the last few months to pursue exchange programs. And we are left behind to finish off with a flourish. Talk has shifted from the spring. Our conversations are no longer so Vancouvercentric, so academically focused. "After Christmas" now drives our ambition.

For me it is a feeling of surrealism. Like almost everything is as it should be but there is something missing. I hear it in my voice, notice it in my subtle mannerisms. The honesty of it is evident. I am missing my best friend. It is hard to be in a place with out someone that carries so much weight of memory. As strange as it is the halls are fuller than they have been since we started. The class rooms packed with first years, our classes added to with faces we've only just met. It is strange and wonderful at the same time.

With all this in mind I am excited to pursue the next step. New classes, new friends, and life after school. I'll give you a little hint... I am heading to where I said I'd NEVER live. Truly a shift in life as we know it.

Maybe check this out too. It's pretty cool. If you like sweet tunes and maps and such.

Legacy.

It is hard to imagine the legacy you will leave when you are in it. Without hindsight it is next to impossible to understand the impact you have, how you will be remembered when you move on. The olympics always spark this idea in me. I believe that most athletes go into the games with the hopes of medals, personal bests, experiencing what it means to compete on the world stage. Few, I imagine, come into the games with the legacy in mind that they may leave beyond that. It might be years before Captain Sinclair truly understands the impact that she and other ladies will have on Canadian soccer. Memories of Bolt's epic victories will live on, remembered for games decades from now. Our 4x100 relay team leaves the legacy of sportsmanship, and the spark for the next group of young men to know they can compete with the fastest men on the planet. This is why we watch, not so much for the desire to know who won or lost, but for the stories, the impact, the greatness, the legacy.

It has been a year and half almost to the day that I stepped out of the life I thought would push me through my 20s. I was always aware of the legacy I wanted to leave when lululemon was no longer such a part of my life. When I left last February I thought that I had failed that legacy. That I had not lived up to what I had wanted to do there. Today I sat in the sun with 2 of my peers from my time there, two unbelievably talented and powerful women. They spoke to the legacy I left behind. A legacy that was still alive, still strong. Of young women who were taking on stores, who were still with the company, who were doing great things. This warmed my heart and re-instilled the understanding that everything we do can affect what we leave behind. That even when we think we have moved on, left, that our hard work, our good intentions live on.

Did I say too much, did I say enough

I would like to blame my restlessness and inability to find sleep on the fireworks lighting up the night sky hardly a kilometer from where I rest my head. I would like to blame it on the vivid colors I know are exploding over the water and the resulting pops that are almost like the thunderstorms of the praire only with the opposite effect. Sadly it is in part the feeling that I am beginning to recognize as normal. A hesitation that all the choices are the right ones, that the risk is worth it. That they are right. I brush it off during the day. More confident in my future, in my plans. More confident that playing big has paid off thus far and that not doing so has always left me feeling inauthentic and empty.

For some very human feeling the nights are harder, it's easier to question it all, harder to believe that all the pieces are going to fall in place. It's easier to feel alone in this city. Home feels farther away.

In certainty of a long day tomorrow and the uncertainty of " far down the line" I was thrown for a loop. I asked myself, Julia, do you want an adventure tonight or should you try to get some sleep? It seems, funny enough that I have picked neither. In part I believe it is the exhaustion of having to spend too many hours playing a part. I am energized by authenticity and drained by a lack of it. It is true, for those of you who don't know me, I will never be one who plays by all the rules. Tell me "what to do" and if your reason isn't good enough or there is no value in the process or practice for the sake of something good or beautiful, just in an end, I will likely smile, nod and go back to doing exactly what I was doing. It's not for disrespect but it is for a resistance and resilience against doing for the sake of single minded efficiency or streamlining. Sometimes the long way holds merit too.

My restlessness comes from more places than normal and that is it as well. I can't seem to find the calm I normally have. I am back to where I have been, craving more, chomping at the bit with little patience for the in between. It all is a little bit big these days. Life is on the brink of being "real" and for a girl raised on stretchy pants and fleeting crushes real life is both terrifying and spine tinglingly exciting. On one hand I am increasingly nervous I will never discover that niche in the world that is the centre of the venn diagram combining what I am great at, what I am passionate about, and what will pay the bills. I am also hesitant to put words down describing the aching fear that I will move across the country and failing to make a place there, come back west with tail between my legs to the place I started a little more than a year ago. On the other hand everything I've ever wanted is laid out before me, I just have to take the opportunities as just that and have faith that my luck has not run out, nor will it. I must stop thinking this could all be too good to be true.

I know there must be countless others, likely armchair dreamers like myself, who see their world in front of them and who are hesitant about the expectation that comes with taking that on. I'm not sure what little push shifts it into action I just know that sometimes writing it down makes the difference.

Like Me.

Sometimes I wonder who else is like me. Who else keeps extensive lists of the mundane and the far flung. Who else aches in their bones knowing there is more to life than ladder climbing and line towing.  Are there others who sit for hours, body functioning at a task, and mind 1000 miles away, a decade beyond. An image piercing their mind of what life will be, will look, will sound, will feel like. An image that is not that which is right in front of them.

I have learned the hard way what I want by learning first what I do not want. I have learned how I live and work best but gaining a clear understanding what prevents me from doing so. Somethings have come more easily and quickly than others. Often I feel like a sculptor, slowly chipping away that which does not serve my greater purpose, each stroke of my chisel getting me closer to the reality I want. There are many imperfections I am more than willing to compromise on, many I am willing to embrace, but there is a sick feeling in my gut that tells me what is a deal breaker. The feeling that no matter how hard to shake sticks to me like burrs in a mat. I will put up with an extensive amount of discomfort, that is what I was trained for. There are deal breakers though. Things I will not bat an eyelash before walking away from. I wonder else who has these lines that once crossed, can never be returned.

The bucket list. Part 1.

My official bucket list is 2 items long. There are a lot of things I want to see and do but these two make the list year after year, the two things I would hate to leave this world without experiencing. They are the things that when I imagine them I get chills and my bones and sinews and heart know what it would feel like. Diverse in their magnitude and in their rarity I am not sure why they  are the only two things I just can't seem to let go of.

Another year has passed and in my extreme youth of 27 I am shocked at what I have already experienced. This year has been more full than most and since I am finally pursuing what I want, what I am meant to do, this year has been more full with the gifts that come when you are on this path. My 26th birthday was one of mixed emotion. I had a year of uncertainty ahead of me, not knowing what Vancouver or school or life would bring. At Stampede I celebrated the unknown by kissing boys and drinking beer and watching horses pull chucks around and around. I cried, a lot, and laughed with beautiful friends. Later in the fall I went back to school with stability of place, piece of mind to stay single, a dedication to learning as much as possible and a fear of someone figuring it out that I wasn't everything my slim resume and mediocre GMAT scores let on. And then everything changed. A year later I have a full and stable heart, no fear of people figuring out "the truth. I have realized that I can be great and not have the strict controls I placed on myself to try to ensure I "stayed out of trouble". Getting into trouble was the best thing I did in my 26th year. Taking risks and letting things work themselves out made the last 12 months remarkable. All I can see is adventure ahead. Instead of praying for the stability of externalities I know that everything around me can shift and I will stay as steady as necessary. I have also reflected that I know where home is but I don't need to be there. I will ever be a girl of prairie skies and rocky peaks and that is where my heart resides but after a long year I know I can live anywhere. I will live anywhere. My roots are deep, they will not be easily pulled up.

So what now. After turning 27 by the lake. What will pull me onto what's next?

I will kiss the Stanley Cup.

I will experience Alaska.

Maybe I will add a few more to the bucket list.

Somethings

Somethings just don't work no matter how much we want them to. We can try everything, draining all the energy we have and yet nothing goes according to plan. Then there are the things that happen agianst all control. We try to fight them sometimes because these things, the right path, are a strong pull and that can scare the crap out of people. These are the things that are meant to happen, the people you are meant to be with, the places you are supposed to live, the challenges you are meant to overcome. That which keeps pulling you by heart strings and deep unwavering faith, that is living your life's true path, those are the things that matter more than your brain will let you believe.

Gratitude and two days.

I've never spent much time pondering the glass half full/glass half empty conundrum. I guess I've just always been stoked to have something in my glass to drink! The last couple days has been a lesson in looking at things half full. When I heard that a trip I had anxiously been awaiting was going to be cut short I was more disappointed than I had expected. I didn't know how much I wanted my glass to be totally full. I thought I was pretty mellow. The fact of the matter is when I realized my proverbial cup would not be full I freaked out, focusing on the time lost instead of the time that was still there. This morning, like most, I woke with a little more clarity. I was going to spend two full days in a city that I love with one of my favourite people in the world. Two Whole Days. That would be two more days that I would get if I didn't go. Two more days that we would otherwise get. I laughed at myself a little this morning. Sometimes gratitude evades us when we are attached to what we think we need. 

Rocky Mountain High.

It doesn't happen often here but lately I can't help it.  I feel restless, like a prairie wind through the grass, whipping this way and that, gaining speed, momentum, over the flattened land. I find I long for cerulean skies and golden fields and the long straight black strip of road that connects it all. My foot aches for the accelerator and endless miles, my hair to be whipped back, my skin to be touched by sun I haven't seen in days. A warmth that is generated not just from above but also radiated from the fertile soil beneath. I miss home. A prairie girl at heart and always I have done a decent job of appreciating what I've got (which is so much) and trying to let go of the past (which can be so rich). There are just days, muscle memory and migration, when my joints move to draw me home. This cold, grey, city where people have to compete, tooth and nail, for each spec of land, for each dollar earned, for every job, for every spot on the bus or in traffic. It is understandable with this that people here don't make friends easily, don't trust, smile at others, extend a hand, move out of the way for others. People don't say please or thank you. It is understandable when I can imagine each individual is just that, someone who is in perpetual competition, everyone has to be out for themselves. I try to break this habit, smile at strangers, hold doors, thank people, I try to give a little so people might be reminded what that feels like. But that's where I come from. I am so incredibly fortunate to come from the province of plenty, where jobs are abundant, gas is cheap, homes affordable, roads are wide, the city is built for escape instead of containment. Somedays it just gets to me. Somedays when the city is too aloof and the pull of wheat fields, foot hills, and rocky mountains gets too strong. Well, those are days like today.

Look for the second right answer.

"Look for the second right answer." I have come across this phrase a number of times in the last few months and for what ever reason it has stuck. The best thing may not be what you always thought it was, it may be what you get when your are not looking or when you are forced to think differently, live differently, when you are far outside your comfort zone. That is usually where greatness happens with me. The second right answer was the moment I quit the job at the company I thought I would work at forever and had to decided right then and there what my alternate universe could look like. It was many other interesting and amazing decisions I have made since. I love the second right answer because though it is often drastically different than the first right answer it is also usually the source of so much more adventure, personal growth, and snort-through-your-nose laughter. 

Competency is Sexy.

Change. It is perpetual. It is everything we do. Constant flux. I find this somewhat unnerving still, even after all these years of training myself to go with the flow, to be open to new opportunities, to see change as just another wonderful possibility. In three weeks I have gone from jeans, Toms, and hoodies to heels, dress pants, and when I remember, blazers. I have traded in class schedules and group meetings for databases and client meetings. I have traded lunch on my lap in a breakout room to .... well lunch on my lap outside. To say the first couple days in the life of a corporate intern were exhausting would be an understatement. For my sponge like brain and eagerness to please it was exciting to the point where I wore my self out by about 3pm only to be at my desk until 5:30. Today I felt like I hit my stride a little. The processes and nuances are becoming more clear and intuitive and the intelligence, kindness, and sense of humour of my coworkers continues to exceed my very high expectations. My take away from all this is not that change is good or bad it is simply this: There is a very high likelihood that each time we try, every time we grow, every subtle change makes us better. It is my experience, recent and otherwise, that we do not get worse at things (ok maybe athletics and my ability to not be hungover) but improve and grow as we build on previous moments. Every experience builds competency, and as a dear friend of mine once told me "Competency is sexy".

Big Dreams.

Every time it happens it's different. Comes from a different left field, hits in a different part of the chest, feels like a different ton of bricks. Sometimes I am full of words and can't keep them inside but this time, like some other times, I am at a loss.

Young life taken is never easy to understand and the more often it happens the more confusing it gets. The first time it is all new and wild and the hurt is deep. Each time after there are other questions. Other hurts. This time I sit and wonder, not yet on the brink of tears but numbed by the news, what is the lesson from this? Did we need another reminder of the fragility of life? Of the constant presence of mortally? Did we need a reason to tell those around us we love them, just because we do, or can we learn to do what makes us happy now instead of putting it off?

I am not sure those are even the right questions. I think all I can, all any of us can do, in these moments is be sad if and when we need to and to try to remember fondly the good times we had with those we lost. That and listen to some country songs and have a drink in their honour. 

Step Up, Step In.

It's late. Tomorrow will be crazy with presentations and meetings and then prep for more presentations but I breath a sigh of relief here at 11:04pm. A project that has been mine for the last 2 and a half months is being passed on. I am sitting on the floor of my tiny apartment, laptop tethered to printer as the pages pile on the collector. I wasn't sure it was going to see this stage, I am not sure it is perfect, in fact I am sure it is not perfect but I am happy with the work and that is something that is not always easy to say. As the sheets of white paper keep coming, layering on top of one another I can feel the apprehension flow from my shoulders, the tension is lessening quickly. I am so proud of my work.

This is a sweet feeling at the end of a long day. I have been a ball of nerves lately, feeling there may be more on my plate than I can accomplish, feeling like my world is in flux and I am not sure where to stand for fear of falling over. I am lucky though. I have what ever person needs, someone who makes them feel like, in the midst of chaos, they are not crazy. It came as a stark realization this evening as I was chatting with my mum on the phone as I walked through the rain to my car. I was recounting my day and my conversations about trying to find an internship and what my other options may be available. She immediately saw it, " Julia," she said " you are lucky to have someone who makes you feel sane in this crazy time, you are lucky to have someone who listens when it matters". She was so right. Everyone needs that person who goes along with the wild ideas, a partner in crime whether a sibling, parent, friend or otherwise that sees the value where you see it, even if no one else does. This is key in this time where I feel so unsettled. I have an amazing group of people in my life who always seem to step up and step in when I need them most.

Tonight I will rest easy.

Risk|Faith

I'm not going to lie. I haven't been that inspiring or optimistic this week. I have started half a dozen blog posts and all but one lie in wait on my desktop. I hate posting when the result has no solution or no outcome from which to learn. I have been struggling as of late and it is hard for me to just be in it.

This all being said I came across a quote, or a line, or a lovely arrangement of words. To paraphrase: risk and faith go hand in hand, the bigger the risk the more faith is necessary. Faith is a tricky piece for me. I don't always love to throw all my chips to the wind, to the goodness of the universe. Having faith is hard for me and yet every time I let go a little and just hope for the best a sense of calm comes over me. The sooner i find faith. The sooner I get results. Strange. True. So this is my homework. I know in my brain that things work out for a reason, that I always get what needs to be finished done, and that life has a strange way of taking me exactly where I need to go. So in this time of uncertainty, in all areas of my life, I must throw caution to the wind. I have to believe that there will be some answers in the next six weeks from which to start to piece together where things will go after that: career, where I will live, what passions I will pursue.

In the line of faith and trust I saw six eagles today. On campus, playing and gliding in the thermals above the trees.  This is always an auspicious sign. A sign that the risk is worth the faith.

Maybe it's the warmer climate

I'm doing what I do every time. Trying to grasp at anything that I can control in order to find safe footing in the uncertainty. Like always, it all comes at the same time. When life is in-between, in flux, up in the air, the whole thing is suspended. My feet just can't touch the ground. So what I do is hunker down. My body usually agrees and as if to justify my decision to hold tight were I can, I get sick, I am forced to take care of myself, insulate against the cold outside and focus inward. I get work done. I avoid being social unless necessary. I suddenly find I eat healthy but that additionally my appetite is no where to be found. I pause, move slowly as if to try to stop the clock from racing ahead. It happens. I feel a tell tale numbness. When things get like this I stop. Take measure. Freeze what is unnecessary and nurture where I can, almost out of practice. 

A little thing called feedback.

I don't have time for this right now, but when do we ever have time right?

So much has been going on and to be fair I have neglected this part of my life. Part of me blames the "real world", internship searches, projects, exams, sunny Vancouver days. Part of me knows I have been avoiding writing because so much is going on and I am living in denial to some extent. Ok, to a large extent. That's ok. We all do it from time to time I am just clinging to a bubble I know is soon to burst. I am not ready. That being said those realities and dream worlds are not why I am putting off what needs to be done, to write here.

It is a mid April miracle! I finally get feedback. Yup, it only took me nearly 3 years of feedback training and 8 months of constant critique of my academic work to truly understand what it means to be egoless and grateful for someone telling me I can do better. In this case, I can do WAY WAY better. It is almost internship time and I am not on the ball. I am not even close. I have been in fact avoiding the ball like the plague. I was finally read the riot act, on two occasions, by two people I respect very much. Then I proceeded to act like a small child, have a pity party, and feel sorry for myself for a day and a half. Then I got shit done. To be fair to all involved my resume read like that of a high schooler, or perhaps like that of someone just out of an arts undergrad from a reputable university "out east".  It was not pretty and would not be effective at all to actually get me a job I wanted. I passed it on to someone who I trust and who's opinion on the matter of these things I respect very much. I was super nervous. What if they realized I was an idiot. What if they finally believed me that it may all have been a fluke. Funny enough what I got back was harsh and incredibly fair feedback. I was being held to a relentless standard of excellence no matter how far away I seemed. Rather than feel upset or slighted I felt truly relieved. First, someone had freed me from the out of date and immature employment I clung to so dearly and second, this person was good on their word. They were being completely honest even if it meant my feelings may have been hurt. The best part was that this feedback made me want to try again, and again. I wanted to get it right. I wanted to submit something worthy of the hard work and skills I had accumulated over the years.

This means more risks, more demanding feedback, more great jobs and opportunities.

The deal.

My greatest expeinces also tend the be those through which I learned the most. They are often a bittersweet combination of joy, adventure, love, and usually also involve loss, hardship and a little heartbreak. In what ever form. This year, year and a bit, has been saturated by these experiences. I have learned so much about myself, about others, about the life I lead and about the one I will lead going forward. This last 13 months has defined me. It has been a series of lessons. It has been miracle after miracle. Joseph Campbell would be proud. I am living my life embracing that there is mystery in the world. A few days ago running through the woods not too far from the pacific ocean I stopped. I couldn't help myself. I found myself face to face with trees so tall, so old and I stuck my face in the air. I couldn't stop myself but I made a simple deal with the universe. I would have unwavering faith that this would all work out. That all the risks I am taking, that all the lessons I am learning, will be worth it. That if I just believe and work really really hard that I will continue to live this life where things work out as they seem they should. I write this now because I am in the throws of one such lesson. I am not surprised that I have no answers at the moment. That I am not sure what will happen. I am at the end of something. I am not exactly sure what. Like any ending tears flow more freely than they do in the beginning. I haven't been able to help it lately. I have never found anything so good and just as I am getting into the swing of things it is all going to change. Internships start in less than a few months. We will all be scattered like grain in a wide prairie field. Getting ready for our next steps. It's only that I'm not ready. Not up for having to start something else right now. Not when everything seems just as it should. But there is something else. There is this sense of calm. It is not always there but I can feel it resonate when I need it the most. Deep in my chest, in my heart it is an understanding that whether I make a deal or not there is something else out there making sure that we get what we need. i find it hard to react the way I want to, in extremes because for some reason I can't let go of the feeling that this will all work out as it should. That the right moments stay with us. The right experiences shape who we will be. They give us character. They settle in our hearts and in the back of our minds. Those are the experiences, the people that affect everything else going forward. We never let them go. So in those moments in the woods. One hand pressed to my chest, the other into the damp bark of a tree older than this country, I made that deal.  

spring.

I can see my city transforming as if before my very eyes. The buds are coming out, trees beginning to blossom. It is happening even before it's begun. That is like the new beginnings in my life. Sometimes when we see a little further out than what is right in front of us we can glimpse them on the horizon. The changes we dug our heels in against, like stubborn children at a toy store being dragged away from some brilliant display. Digging in against change, against the unknown. Suddenly. When we are forced to take count of what is truly going to happen we are given a chance to see what it may bring us. I have compassion for myself knowing that come summer everything could change again. My roommate may move on, to great things, to be a maker of change. Others will transition from places of proximity to dear pen pals, friends flung far and wide. This is not new to me. I am not is shock. My life is built on distance and often on longing. Like planets at a distant orbit, always kept at arms length but with an undeniable attraction. Or like the whales returning summer after summer, taking stock of what has changed, who made it through, who didn't. Creating newness. Cycling through again. Lucky for me i see what this change will bring. I see a home to myself with walls covered in art and space for handstand practice and down dogs. I see adventures across seas and to places that I will always call home. I feel opportunity flooding in through my finger tips. Ready to be put to use. I have given up on trying to control it all. I was born for leaving and as like attracts like, those who I love are the same way. Family and friends. No one I care about, like really truly love, stays in one place for very long. We can't. Restless young souls, we can't sit still.

So spring. I know you are on the horizon. I can see you glow, just there, out of reach. Hurry home. Light up my sky.

Lay it down and start up

Having a BATNA is key to negotiations, so I learned in class last week. I also feel this is key to life. When I have a ‘Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement’ there is a sense of calm that comes over me. I know what can happen if this all doesn’t work out the way I expected it to. I know what my alternatives are. This has given me some sense of stability today. I feel, as per usual at the end of a ‘semester’ that my world is hectically spinning around me and that if I don’t get everything under control, make it perfect, my tiny world may just cease to exist. On my way to my car an hour ago, running in frye boots in the rain, I stopped. My hair getting soaked through, my jeans already sticking to my legs. I was frozen. What if all the things I was so worried about didn’t work out? What if projects lay incomplete or complete but imperfect? What if friendships and  everything in my social life didn’t pan out the way I sometimes cling to? What then? The list rolled on through my head and suddenly I felt no need to rush. Just to wait. There is no point in worrying. Simply I must make a decision and stick to my guns. The worst that can happen isn’t that bad. My alternate options are actually looking pretty good. So why do I worry? Why do any of us stress about things we can only hope our best to even have a semblance of control over? I used to think it helped to try to cast my net wide and keep all I caught as close as possible. I used to think that trying to worry about the outcome while staying blind to other possibilities was the only way to get by. Now it is so clear. It is all the other opportunities that I saw as plan b. It is hard not to get attached. I still do. All the time. It is hard not to cling to what I think I want but sometimes, just sometimes, when it doesn’t all work out as planned, that is when the best things happen. That is when we get what we need.

You get mistaken for strangers by your own friends

It's been 10 days.

It's 11:30 at night.

Sometimes I don't truly know what causes the lag between writing here when there are times where it flows effortlessly day to day. Lately I have been writing for other reasons. This in combination with a 'flu' that just won't go away has lead me away from writing here.

Lots has been going on though. I have felt a little overwhelmed with what I have taken on in my life, a sure sign that I needed a challenge. I have found my self out of balance as a result and am now patiently (ok I am never really patient) tipping the scales to a more even space. To be fair though I have been reading more than usual and that has lit me up! I am not sure where or why it comes to me, it just does.

Along those and other scattered brain waves, I had a moment today. A profoundly lonely snippet of time that was altogether nostalgic and beautiful in it's sudden, unquestionable, perhaps unfounded sadness. I was driving home across the bridge. Winter being in full swing here in Vancouver I compensated by turning the heat way up. Though not sock foot, nor driving stick on the highway, I was transported back in time to when I was 17. I will never forget that feeling of being utterly alone and simultaneously comfortable in my own skin. It happens so rarely I thought I might not recognize it. This time was no different. Sitting waiting for a light to change I was in my own world of warmth and music and peace as the chaos of Vancouverites driving in snow/rain waged outside. It brought a tear to my eye to think about how everything can change, place, time, a decade of experience and yet all at once nothing has happened. I was still that little girl in her untucked uniform driving home, back to the city.

My life currently feels a little untucked. It is my nature to revert to doing what must be done to get by when I feel overwhelmed. My relationships suffer at the force of trying to do everything and be exceptional at it. Another four months has past or is fast approaching and I feel my bones tugging at sinew. Pressing for change. Eager to move forward. I must fight it, or learn from it. I am not sure it will ever get easier, this migratory pull away from what is safe and comfortable into the unknown. I attribute it to the ever opposing lust for adventure and growth and the need to cling to what is dear. Always the fear I could lose it all if I stretch too far away. Who knows. It is almost spring and the prairie soul in me may just be gearing up for fertile soils and cerulean skies.

Biting off more.

With that persistently cocky attitude I try not to shake I ambitiously started this mini-semester with the now foolish idea that it was going to be easy, I would be made of free time, I would ski every weekend. Alas, with that over confidence comes the easy wave of reality washing over me as I sit here at 11:30 at night. There is a chance I have bitten off more than I can chew and there are two options that stem from this. 1) get overwhelmed, freakout and do a half-assed job of all my commitments or 2) dust off my time management skills and diligence from The Core and put it into action. I will pick option 2 I think, though that comes at the end of a day of yoga and organization. Yesterday I would not have comfortably said I could commit to that.

So why is my life so busy you ask. Am I overloading courses? nope. Have I started a business on the side? Not that I know of. Have I actually gone through with a puppy-napping and now have the equivalent of a small child? I wish I had a puppy but sadly wrong again. With the luxury of a weekend course I suddenly felt free! With fridays off and clear mondays and Wednesdays I was over ambitious and let the part of my brain that says "yes" take over. So what am I up to? I am taking 4 incredibly interesting courses and I feel all are directly related to my passions and strengths which can be rare in this program... usually on the strengths side of things. With HR, Creativity, and Law I am able to do things I love everyday. This got the ball rolling and made me want to do more things I love. So I took on the opportunity to work with a good friend, helping him out with his charity. Then I took on some writing and photography gigs. Now working on an incredibly cool project at school. Life is good but like anything that is exciting I let it spiral a bit out of control. I am pulling in the reins.

It is funny because it all comes back to my class in creativity. Can I just say how unexpectedly terrific it is that I have a creativity class in my MBA! Anyway, we are required to keep a journal through out the 6 weeks of the course and so the potential processes and definitions of creativity are constantly rolling around in my skull. Whether in yoga class, driving, doing other course work, or watching TV I am dissecting and re-defining what creativity means to me. Trying to put my finger on it. This showed up in my photography and conversations when I was lucky enough to be part of an event welcoming in potential and future MBA candidates. It's funny how a simply awareness can lead to so many little shifts.

Anyway, with that all said and done, I need to get back to work. Hope that things are wonderful, busy and a little overwhelmingly inspiring in your lives!

Back to the Grind.

What a few days! Being back at school and back into the thick of things is where I thrive and I feel like my life has gone from lazy days in bed to long hours and busy meetings. That is the great thing about this program, it moves us from full on, to break, and back so quickly, constant evolution and perpetually managing change in our lives.

Tonight we got to celebrate something amazing. As a west coast school, and perhaps as a result not quite as competitive by nature, we have never placed extremely well at the MBA Games. This year, through guts, heart, and a lot of exceptionally good times we placed 3rd. By the time the announcement came on the screen in Edmonton we had all had a few glasses of wine and watched our beloved school miss out on winning each of the individual events. In that instant we were astounded. No one would have ever guessed that we hadn't won the whole thing. In that instant I am confident that we had no idea there was such a thing as first or second place. Tonight, at the top of the Henry Angus building on campus we celebrated this victory and talked about what it meant to us as a school now and going forward. It is amazing and inspiring to think of the legacy we get to build for those following us and for those school that gives us such great opportunities.

Tonight was also a great opportunity to reconnect with classmates. It is funny to think that our class is only 106 people so many of who I am incredibly fond of and yet, with out busy schedules and hectic lives we miss each other in the halls and in classes. I got a chance to talk to one of the other few girls in the program tonight and in just a few moments realized that we have almost identical careers goals and the paths we are interested in pursuing going forward leaving the MBA are incredibly similar. It is remarkable the people that come together in this place and so many of whom are willing and excited to help each other out, with the easy stuff and with the hard. We are all in this together.

This is what excites me. This and that it is ten past ten on a wednesday night and my "work for the evening" has been reading articles on creativity and doing some writing and photography for my fellow students and our program office. Lovely. Doing what I love and loving what I do may sound cheesy but the truth is it is what I get to do every day and I couldn't be happier.

To follow up on my gratitude challenge I recently started following this blog. I ran into this inspiring lady at a networking event and realized I had met her briefly while working for the same company last year. For some reason she keeps showing up in my life and I have to say that I am loving following her writing and inspiring life. Her blog includes a gratitude list and a challenge to come up with a list of 100 things that you are grateful for. Though this undertaking was challenging without a doubt I am glad to say I completed it and I think that it made it very clear what an extraordinary life I am lucky to lead. I would challenge you to do the same. Thinking about what is going well in your life can really help put in perspective what isn't.

Gratitude: Day 16

First day back at school! Kind of a big deal.

Today I am grateful for:

1) Being back at the grind I love so much.

2) Being on committees I didn't know I was on and realizing the excitement of new projects!

3) Random playlists.

xoxo

Gratitude: Day 15

Over two weeks and I think writing down what I am grateful for is making it a little easier to appreciate the small things and to let the rest of it go. I am blessed and even with minor setbacks I realize that life is full of amazing moments and unbelievable opportunities to learn.

Today I am grateful for:

1) Sunny morning sleep ins

2) Living on Davie street, within walking distance of delicious food from all over the world

3) School starting tomorrow! Yes, I am that nerdy.

Gratitude Day: 13 and 14

A little escape from town does wonders!

Yesterday I was grateful for:

1) Semi-spontanious trips to Whistler with the crew

2) Being taken care of even when I think I don't need it

3) Really good ends to really good nights

Today I am grateful for:

1) Lunch Caesars

2) Snowy Whistler walks

3) Stunning sea to sky highway drives

This is a pretty great province!

Gratitude Day: 11 and 12

This break has felt more like a vacation than I feel even getting away would. SO much to be grateful for such as...

Day 11:

1) Hangovers with friends

2) Sunny Vancouver days

3) Phone calls from new friends that result in new clothes!

Day 12:

1) 2 sunny days in a row!

2) Exploring old haunts that are new to others

3) The persistent hunt for lobster

Love!

Gratitude: Day 10

Hello my blog reading friends!

Today was a random but good one. Aren't they all?

I am grateful for:

1) Lazy mornings in bed

2) Smiling giggling baby 'nephew'

3) Girls night at the comedy club (this one hasn't happened quite yet... but it's about to and I know it's going to be amazing!)

Love you all!

Gratitude: Day 9

Today was a delight. A really milestone in proving that I am better at going with the flow than I used to be. Today I also crossed something off my bucket list. Sounds pretty good to me!

Today I am grateful for:

1) Bucket list accomplishment - I would sleep in my new Fryes if I could

2) "killing time" that means an afternoon of doing exactly what I want - within a 2km radius of the Speedy Glass location fixing my windshield

3) Being protected from wolves on screen and in my nightmares - just imagine they're pugs

Hope all your gratitude is making your days as exciting as mine!

Gratitude: Day 8

It has been a long and mildly productive day... here is what I am thankful for now:

1) Great friends who are not afraid to be themselves... or pretend to be each other

2) The feeling of going to the gym, after not going to gym for a long time

3) Long walks home with time to think in the night sea air

Thanks Vancouver. 

Gratitude: Day 7

Today I am grateful for:

1) Rainy days that spark fun

2) Seals that sleep upside down at the aquarium

3) Long distance catch ups from China.

It was a good one folks.

Gratitude: Day 6

Today was rainy... and what felt like my first real day off. Though I think I may be coming down with something, a headache and mildly stuffy nose may just be my body's way of asking for this break, I had a truly remarkable day.

Things I am grateful for:

1) Chance encounters with long lost friends

2) Finding wonderful new haunts with equally wonderful bus buddies

3) Delicious potato soup, sun dresses, pistachios and books by funny girls

Love my rainy friday!

Gratitude: Days 3,4, and 5

Ahh! I am late with my Gratitude from yesterday, and the day before... here it is:

Feb 14th:
1) For the best Valentines day yet
2) For Gluten Free mac and cheese
3) For late night rec hockey games

Feb 15th:
1) For reuniting with old dreams
2) For $5 wings
3) For great conversations with new and old friends. Ahhh the unexpected.

Feb 16th:
1) For take out thai food from Davie St
2) For the magic of hockey and the smiles it creates
3) For my camera, picking it up really does make a difference

Well folks, it's been a busy few days.

Gratitude: Day 2

I am glad today is almost over. It has been one which I would prefer not to repeat again tomorrow. The nice thing about gratitude is that it makes it a little easier to look on the bright side, a little easier to see the grains of gold in the stream of stones.

Today I am grateful for:

1) A girl named Britt and the fact that though our friendship is relatively new it is exactly what I expected it to be from the time we met. And that is a very good thing
2) Half bottles of left over wine and gluten free beer in the closet
3) New hoodies that are too cozy to be anything but happy in
* An amazing ocean view out a side window when I was supposed to be focusing on what was in front of me

Gratitude: Day 1

Ok. Here we go.

One of the most inspiring people in my life is listing 3 things she is grateful for each day. For 21 days. I need a little gratitude in my life and in her words it's "helping me on my life long journey of being awesome". Sounds good enough for me, here is what I am grateful for today:

1) The handsome man in my life
2) Season 1 of how I met your mother
3) Catching up with my amazing Calgary girls

Can't wait to be grateful for ridiculous and inspiring things tomorrow!

When you are old and grey and full of sleep...

Sometimes there are things we hold onto. This poem has been one of my favourite since I was 16 years old. Its meaning, like the meaning of most poems, fades and changes over time. For some reason  it resonates with me these days more than others. It is the way the words ebb and flow. The sadness and beauty in lost youth (not that mine is any where close to being lost or over) provides contrast. The love of something pretty and fleeting. The idea of looking back. Of perspective. Perhaps it is because Yates was an Irish man and the Irish have a way of presenting introspection in a way that tugs a little harder at heart strings.

Enjoy.

When You Are Old and Grey

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

- WB Yates

Something to smile about.

A good friend reminded me the other day that we have so much to be happy about. These are the golden times of our lives and even our most daunting problems, finance exams to write, internships to procure, student loans to pay back, are not really problems in the grand scheme of things.

Introspection and solving life's little problems is something I clearly enjoy but, like my good friend said, sometimes I should really just write about what makes me happy.

It's exam week. A time where people are normally not the best versions of themselves and yet, I find myself incredibly content. As I tend to repeat ad nauseam, I love this program. I always knew that when I finally found what I was supposed to do the work would be enjoyable, the learning inspirational and the people surrounding me, remarkable. That is what I have stumbled across here. I am lucky to have made such exceptional friends in such a short period of time. Truly people who have seen me at my worst, and possibly some of my best, and still want to hang out with me at the end of the day.

Additionally I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. These days feel like spring and it is only the beginning of February, a far cry from sub zero temperatures in Alberta (though I miss sunny days and sharp prairie air). The ocean is a stone's throw and delicious food from around the globe lines the streets. Though being a student has many draw backs one thing that isn't is attending classes at the UBC point grey campus. It is stunning, and strangely secluded from the city and re-invigorates me every time I set foot on it.

I am also happy and grateful that I've made it through another year. Looking back to where I was gives me a warm feeling of accomplishment and authenticity. Just over a year ago I did the thing that at the time scared me most. I stood up to someone, got out of a crapy relationship and finally got back to pursuing what I wanted. No, it was not an ex-boyfriend or even a close friend of plutonic nature. A year and 4 days ago I left a manager who I let make me feel completely insignificant, like a constant failure and who I let press me to live a life nothing like I wanted. I was someone I was not proud of and it showed in every area of my life. I am so happy to say that by breaking ties, by moving onto to what I really wanted to be doing, life is as perfect as I would want it to be. Yes, I could have a little more money, be a little more fit, live in a bigger apartment, in Kits. So my grades could be a little better and I could have a great internship lined up but at the end of the day my life is just so much fun it is hard to worry about all those things. I wake up every morning knowing I live in a beautiful city, surrounded by amazing people, doing something I am passionate about and that I believe will take me where I want to go. What more could a girl ask for?

Sweet Moments

Gratitude and believing in others, and yourself, are key to getting what you want. I have a friend. My Golden Girl to be exact. I look at her life and I see it all falling into place. Her gratitude for everything in her life from her tiny perfect kittens, once homeless and now little lions ruling her tiny white apartment, to her new ventures and the loving people that she calls her friends and family. Her ceaseless understanding that being grateful for what is in her life makes me appreciate mine more.

She pushes a life of greatness with such vigour it is unsurprising that she has so much to be thankful for in her life. We all do. But it is the way she shows it, the way that she makes those around her feel empowered and loved that I find so remarkable. It was her coaching over a year ago that changed it all. She changed the way I look at myself, careers, what I should be pursing, who I am for others, who I am in relationships. She gave me the tools to get my life to where I want it to be. To where it is now. For this I am grateful. Believing in others, something that seems to come so easily to her, is sometimes more challenging for me. As a girl who's fierce independence is bred from black soil, endless sky and a relentless pursuit of wide open spaces I find it challenging to trust, to rely on anyone else. It is instinctual for me to push away before letting myself open up. I have all the excuses in the book. My Golden Girl has taught me that this isn't what life is about. Sure, I am capable of doing it myself but connection is the reason we are here. Falling asleep knowing that someone is looking out for you makes it all a little easier. Makes it all a little nicer. This connection is where gratitude comes from. The little things. The sweet moments. I am grateful. 

Moved to the coast, under a mountain, swam in the ocean, slept on my own

Vancouver is my fickle lover. One day the city seduces me with expansive ocean views, sunny days, light reflected off glass and water. Others, he traps me in my room, dashing my daily plans with scorn. He pulls the light from my skies and soaks me to the bone, damp and cold. There are moments when I am elated, when he shows in colour and sound and bustling streets. There are days when it takes all my energy to love him the way I know I should. This city that has given me so much but who treats me with indifference. Who lures me to bed with promises of brighter days only to wake me up the next morning, rain pelting my windows.

This city has helped me rediscover being ok in darkness. This city has helped me to appreciate melancholy music, the sound track to rainy afternoons. It has given me purpose to dress with pops of colour to contrast the grey that often surrounds me. But, like any relationship where we are forced to grasp at straws, I will leave this city one day. Leave behind the damp grey loveless winter days for brightness. For warmth. For a city that cares.

But even the fickle lovers that leave us confused and down, we love them anyway. It is compassion and a need to live in both city and nature that moves us to be here in this place. The grey makes us all the more glad to see blue sky, to feel warm sun on our faces. The rain brings green year round. With the dark there is light.

light and space

It is the seemingly stolen moments that are some of the most meaningful to me these days. Writing which has nothing to do with finance, marketing, or the CSR practices of large companies is rare in my life right now and sitting here in the corner of the lounge provides me just that opportunity. Being at school before anyone else is strangely comforting. In a building that is rarely silent it is a peaceful contrast to the busyness that will erupt in a few hours. it is space. It is emptiness. Some thing that I crave right now while my whole life feels jam packed and somewhat crammed. Don't get me wrong, I feel I have space emotionally but it the physical pressure of cramped quarters, tightly packed buses, low grey sky, tall cold buildings, and high dark mountains that makes me long for expansive prairies and cerulean skies. Even open ocean would quench my thirst for space right now. 

This is why i seek out light and space. Try to surround myself with white walls, with spaces wider than my yoga mat, wedged between my bed and my desk.

Trophy Shelf of Learning.

Reading a dear friend's blog today made it all very clear to me. Sometimes what is hardest, sometimes what we initially see as failure, can be the moments we are most proud of. As she put it, these come to sit on our trophy shelf of learning.

I tend to be more reflective as of late and am astounded at how much as changed in the last year, in the last two years. Each step that seems strange, not 'on track', each step that could have been false, lead me to this place. This is not where I intended to be. This was not in my master plan of how my life would work out. It is so much better. The unknown is incredibly scary but it is also incredibly exciting. What I finding is that this great love of just figuring it out as I go, of enjoying the space in my life, makes it so incredibly challenging to set a clear vision, clear goals.

This is strange for me. I have in the past been the one who knew exactly what her life would look like, yes, right down to the feeling of the hardwood floors in my Kitsilano home. I knew what job, how many dogs, where I would live... everything 10 years down the road. Now... not only do I have little clue about that but I also don't know where I will be, what I will be doing this summer, next December. The thing is... when I was trying to plan it all I wasn't spending enough time out there, making mistakes, turning them into successes. Life is so much better now that I am spending all my busy time doing things. Yes. Doing things is the scientific term I was looking for.

This being said there is still so much merit in goal setting, in vision making. It is what guides the big picture. It is what forms the journey in the down time. Just make sure not to make the plan too air tight.

Gotta be a love.

Bad things happen to good people, it is how we deal with those things that defines us. 

Sarah Burke died this morning. Those she left clung to the hope she would recover from her devastating fall 9 days ago but sadly that wasn't the case. Like any time a young, vibrant, much loved life ends there is an outpouring of love. There is a deep hurt, confusion about why this would happen to such an amazing person, who gave so much in their short life. There is pain, because in this industry we tend to loose an icon a year these days. There is so much that would have us tend to the worst but something ultimately beautiful happens.... There is a rush to comfort and support those left behind. There is a renewed urge to tell those you love that they mean the world to you. For me, and so many others, there is a deep, insatiable need to be in the mountains. To be close to something greater than ourselves. Every time something like this happens I feel a magnetic tug in my chest. Leading me home. It was where Sarah shone. It was where she worked, played, fell in love with her friends, family and her passionate husband. It was where she, like so many of us, felt alive. 


Line skis Facebook page read: "Remember her, celebrate her life, hug your loved ones and go skiing for Sarah."


Beliveinsarah.tumblr.com posted: "It is in the toughest of moments which our hope must speak its loudest. Always #BelieveInSarah."


I remember I was in university when I discovered Sarah Burke. I wanted to BE her. She was funny, self assured and she skied like no one else I had ever seen. I read every article I could get my hands on and was perpetually astounded at what she would do, how hard she would compete in the worst of physical conditions. She had fortitude. She had spirit. She had an unwavering persistence. I will miss seeing her compete for her country at the 2014 Olympic Games. Her goal will go unfinished but those competing will surely feel her presence as they compete in sports she fought so hard to have included.


If you wish to make a donation to the fundraiser to help her family pay her outstanding medical bills the link is provided below:

http://www.giveforward.com/sarahburke

Gratitude.

Even when we have gratitude in abundance it is easy to take things in our lives for granted. It is hard to remember how good we have it all the time. When we have long days, hard weeks, when we get grumpy because the bus is late or the really good take out place is closed on Sundays or when we forget to say 'thank you' or 'I love you' because we just assume our friends and family know we mean it. I am so happy, so grateful for my program, for the amazing people in my life, for my health, for the support of my parents. I try to live my life in this gratitude but I will admit that I sometimes lose sight of this. 

That is something I am working towards, to passing on the gratitude I feel to those I feel it for. I want to make sure those in my life understand that I am not taking them for granted, not leaving anything on the table. 

And the mountains shall bring peace to the people

Nothing shakes a small community like loss. I sometimes forget what time of year it is until I start to get unsettled for no reason and realize that suddenly the middle of January is upon me without notice. Like migrating birds my body feels it, knows it, draws me in like constellations imprinted on my brain. In my bones, in the sinews holding me together, in the veins that pump blue under the pale skin of my arms I can feel it. I wasn't sure what was causing me to feel so low the last few days, what was causing a gut reaction to loss of any kind. Rigidity in my jaw any time that there was a possibility of someone slipping out of my life. This has caused me to cling as of lately. To everything. It is this time of year that I fear if I don't hold on tight it will all just happen again.

Sarah Burke, my idol for nearly a decade, wife of Rory Bushfield, fell the other day. I was watching tv eating breakfast and found myself in shock. Sarah Burke in a coma. Sarah Burke with a head injury. Sarah Burke who skied on blown knees, who married the most ridiculous boy in the world, who posed in her underwear and revolutionized my sport. In a coma. And I can't shake it. My heart goes out to her family and friends and all the others like me who don't know her but find inspiration in her life. My heart goes out to them because this is that time of year. In our community this time of year is marked with loss.

466 weeks ago. Every year I think I am past it. Think that I have moved forward from feeling this way. Every year I am more and more shocked that I still feel the loss. And as I write this through tears, rolling down my cheeks, soaking through my shirt, through the blanket on my lap I can't get past it. My heart still marked with the scars of grief. February 1st. An injury like Sarah's pulls a community together, loss brings people close because supporting oneself is just too much. The death of 7 young people in a school of less than 700 students is both devastating and life altering. I like to pretend that I am not still paralyzed when I am reminded of those weeks. I like to imagine that it no longer holds sway over my life. The reality is that this longing, loss and fear of losing people stays with me. Usually buried deep, these days it is hard to ignore. Just like the migration of whales north to south and back again it is instinctual, the short weeks leading up to the anniversary bring up more than I would like.

Through hard work I have come to create a parallel possibility that I am conscious of trying to embrace. It is not the possibility of loss and grief but one of connection and brining people into my life. It is the possibility that with my knowledge of the fragility of life that I must make sure that I spend time with the people in my life while I have the chance.  It is the understanding that I must embrace how I feel this time of year and use it to benefit my life, not allow it to drag me down.

... and the mountains shall bring peace to the people...