Believe in yourself and in the future.

I understand what you might be thinking right now. ‘Wow, how cliché is it that here, on this blog, is a stereotypical year in review post. Couldn’t she think outside the box a little? Come on now’. Well I take this cliché and raise you predictability, nostalgia, and a few back in the days.

I am not going to lie, I had this whole thing mapped out in my mind. I was going to put down all the ways in which 2010 was the last thing from being the best year of my life. The more I wrote about how this year sucked the more I thought about how much I actually learned this year, how the epic times balanced out the low points, how much I took myself on this year and developed as a person. Yeah, there were tough, heartbreaking, moments in 2010 but there were enormous highs too. And beyond that, 2010 has set me up very well, I believe, for 2011.

What I learned this year:

1)    Running, not drinking and eating, is the key to getting over a breakup. (Note to future Julia: PLEASE remember this.)

2)    Taking responsibility for your life and what happens in your life is the key to getting what you want.

3)    Following your bliss is the path of least resistance. If it is meant to happen it is easy. Or at least not always excruciatingly hard.

4)    Taking risks and being vulnerable makes big things happen.

5)    All the conversations I am or was afraid of having are easier, go better, and result in more than I could ever imagine.

What I loved this year:

1)    My yoga teacher training. The place, Ucluelet BC. The people. Knowing that I can actually do anything if I have the support and don’t let myself quit.

2)    Learning that my true passions lie in photography, writing and teaching.

3)    My job. Yeah it’s been a struggle. A really freaking hard struggle but I get to do what I love every day. I get to coach and develop people to be greater AND I get to run my own business.

4)    My friends. The ones who took me out when I needed some fun, who sat at home with me on a Saturday night and got take out when we needed that. The ones that make everything we do way more fun. These are my people. I effing love them.

5)    The risks I took. None of them were huge but doing the scary things IS really more fun.

2011. Here I come:

1)    I will grow my business: photography, yoga, writing, coaching.

2)    I will be in the best shape of my life.

3)    I will have balance, I will love every second of my life.

4)    I will have adventure, take risks, reap the rewards.

5)    I will learn. As much as I can.

6)    I will Love.

So that’s it. That’s all folks for 2010. We’ll see about tomorrow.

From weheartit.com

Lovestain on my heart.

Soooo I have a cold. I am a huge baby about being sick. For the first time in a long time though, I didn't feel completely sorry for myself. I didn't just eat all the ice cream and popsicles and gluten I wanted 'just because i'm sick'.  I have big plans for 2011. Big Hairy Audacious Goals and none of them include not being able to do and wear exactly what I want. So I resisted. I am shocked at the will power I am gaining back. I blame it on the balance. I blame it on my friends.

I couldn't be more grateful that my life is full of people who both constantly push me and then who are simultaneously there to catch me on the other side. They have my back. I was meant to be at the airport right now picking one such friend up. ( no I am not a completely horrible person... wait for the rest of the story.) Her roommate and I had been discussing on the best way to get her from point a (Powder king originally, but the airport here in town specifically) to point b) her home on the other side of town. The executive decision was that I was going to retrieve her and following would be celebratory drinks! I was counting down the minutes until I was to leave, looking rather pathetic but feeling up for the task of a late night drive when low and behold her roommate called. Now this saint of a man, wether he knows it or not, has both our backs. He is off to pick her up as we speak and I am... as soon as the caffeine I ingested to stay awake enough to drive wears off, am off to a much needed rest.

The thing that amazes me is that I am SO incredibly lucky to be surrounded by the unique, inspiring and caring people that I am. That is what has pushed me to be who I am. That is why I get to have so much fun in my life. Love you all.

With so many people to love in my life...

I am between that place of sheer exhaustion and full alertness.  I often get home late after closing the store, only to have to wake up for my next shift in just a few hours and find a million things going through my head.

I have been given the feedback that I am over responsible, no head hunters don't line up to recruit me just yet. This isn't just some great way to get a super productive employee but tends to actually be a hindrance to me. Tonight we had some goals I was just not able to let go of at the end of the night. I know that I must be fully accountable for my actions and must hold others accountable to theirs but I just couldn't hold all the pieces together. It's a different game I am playing but I am still trying to do it by old rules. This just isn't working.

what else is going on in my pretty head you might ask? Well I am on edge about my relationships right now. There are so many amazing people in my life, so many relationships I want to nurture, to grow. Yet I often fuck up. I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, do the right thing at the right time. I have to give my self some slack. I am only human. And a human that is a little on edge these days I might add.

Ok, random I know. Thanks as always for putting up with the late night posts.

Nobody knew what the raven would do If he found it was rain in your hands

I decidedly want to be her. Nothing says smoke show like oversize glasses, a fur hat, flannel and perhaps most importantly... a rifle... awkward?

Oh, the blizzard's never seen the desert sands

So right now I am totally distracted. I am watching a TED talk that an inspiring young lady, oh god no that sounds WAY to... much like a parent, a rad woman who I work with, sent me. A lot of people tend to pass along inspiring things to me and I am so grateful, a little flattered for some reason but perpetually shocked that people think of me when they are being so deeply moved by something. Of course, yes, I am a little narcissistic.

But... seriously. Enough about me.

So this talk. My favourite line is "So, I have a vulnerability problem". Because I, have a vulnerability problem. (shoot, ok less about me)

Brene Brown is a self proclaimed researcher story teller. She spoke to something very very dear to my heart and the path, the freaking scary hard path, that I am trying desperately to follow. She did a study to try to learn more about shame and whole heartedness and what the distinction is.

She defines shame as the fear of disconnection. Something inherently present in human beings. It is the voice in our heads telling us we aren't worthy, we aren't good enough, pretty enough, skinny, bootylicious, rich, promoted enough. We aren't... blank enough. In order to feel this connection we must be seen, really truly, deeply, seen. And excruciatingly enough. That takes being vulnerable.

Poignantly she spoke to how we, as a society numb. Being vulnerable can come with loss, pain, sadness and a whole load of emotions that are hard to feel. So we drink. We eat. We do drugs. We watch hours of mindless television to make some of this hurt less. For me, when I numb, I make a joke, push it down, cover it up with inauthenticity. But when we numb these feelings we also numb what makes us alive. We stop feeling love, joy, happiness and gratitude.  Then, in our numbness we search fruitlessly for purpose and meaning.

Where she really got me was what differentiates people who live in this reality with the people who live Whole Heartedly. The only real distinguishing factor is that those who live with their whole heart have a sense of worthiness. They truly believe they are worthy of love and belonging. Now, I am lucky enough, and yes, worthy enough, to work for a company who almost hero worship a man named Brian Tracy. We listen to his Phycology of Achievement cds and the crowing moment is always the part where Brian asks his listeners to exclaim  " I like my self, I like myself, I like myself." Cheesy as it sounds, nothing really gets the sense of worthiness going like a good dose of liking oneself in the morning.

To have this Whole Heartedness, Brene describes, one must have courage, compassion and connection. Courage, she defines as telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. Connection she sees as the direct result of authenticity. These three, she tells her listeners, must be fully embraced.  The people who she met who lived their lives with whole heartedness fully embraced what made them vulnerable. What made them vulnerable also made them beautiful, necessary. They understood that being vulnerable meant saying I love you first, it meant doing something with no guarantees, it was a willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

How do we get there? This all sounds pretty sweet to me but what can we do now. Brene leaves the talk with 4 points. 1) Let our selves be deeply seen, be authentic. 2) Love with our whole hearts even with no guarantee 3) To have gratitude and joy even when we are afraid 4) To believe we are enough.


I am grateful that these little touch stones keep landing in my lap. Please keep them coming.

And watch Brene's talk. Epic.

more.

I want it.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

I am spoiled. It is pretty obvious. This Christmas was no exception.

It is Kerrigan family tradition to wake up and open stockings together, eat the only elaborate breakfast we make ourselves all year, open our presents and spend the rest of the day reading, listening to music and watching mindless TV (read: Westminster Dog Show re-run, Shaw Cable Fire Log…). It is truly my favourite day of the year and the only one I feel truly entitled to do EXACTLY as I wish.

After opening gifts as a family we hunkered into our newest books. My mum had heard, on the news earlier, a story about 2 horses stranded on a mountain in North Eastern BC and the town that risked much to save their lives, coincidently, in a Christmas miracle. There are 2 things that make this a unique and inspiring experience. The story was truly a vivid reminder of the miracles that can be created when people work together towards something not expect of them for the good of something greater than themselves.

The horses, Belle and Sundance, were not owned by anyone in the town. They had been abandoned after a pack trip went wrong and when found four months later were so near death that the only reason they weren’t put down on the spot was the men who found them didn’t have a gun on them. What made the situation such a challenge is that it was late December, North Eastern BC is VERY cold and VERY snowy and the horses were trapped up a mountain in a space in the snow not much bigger than a dining room table with no food except each other’s tails. The dedication, commitment, sheer stubbornness and love for something else was what drove the people of the town to dig a trench 6 feet by 3 feet a km long to free two animals from the trap at the top of the mountain.

I lay, wrapped in a blanket, full of cheese, maple sausage, rice flour crepes and a healthy dose of maple syrup just reading this amazing story. For two and a half hours. I haven’t ready anything for two and a half hours that wasn’t my emails in longer than I can remember. I read a WHOLE BOOK. I have not read a whole book start to finish in a long time. I love completing a book. I did something I love and read something so truly inspirational that I was overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend the first part of my day. It was the best Christmas gift I could have asked for.

We Pulled Too Many False Alarms.

I spend approximately 40 minutes in a car every day, Tuesday through Sunday. It used to be on foot. It used to be Sunday through Thursday. Either way. This is MY time.

When I used to walk down 17^th, rain or shine to my little store I would pop my headphones into my ears and instantly be transported. I always felt, with the traffic-y noises of the world shut out, that I was in a movie and the soundtrack was the emphasis in the scene. It was a time where I was transient for 20 minutes each way. In a separate space where I could think, react to what was coming up for me, really get some perspective while not interfering with anyone or any thing else.

In a car it’s a little different, there is that distracting sexiness of driving that trudging down the street doesn’t have. That and the fact that you have to be paying close attention to the road and your surroundings in a way you might not as a pedestrian. Either way it is my time to explore music. I often fall deeply in love with a song while driving the same route to and from work each day and will play it on repeat until I just can’t take it any longer. Right now it is this. As you can likely discern from a number of blog headings. It is this all consuming beautiful thing that on the grey and often dark streets, as I am usually leaving my house around 6 if I am lucky, I can feel emotions pulsing through me, driving me forward to pursue my day. Not just allow it to happen to me. In this holiday season I am grateful for my commute, regardless of mode of transportation.

It's Not a Silly Little Moment, It's Not the Storm Before the Calm

I work retail. For those of you who do too you might commiserate. For those of you who don’t these ideas may be foreign. They will especially confound those of you who are students, teachers, or… those of you who work in non-retail but also non-essential areas. And by non-essential I mean you are LUCKY so don’t take it as a knock… please?

The holidays, as I will generally call them, are the only thing I question about my passion for my career of choice. For most people this time of year is about spending lots of time with family, baking delicious and therefore size increasing treats (for which those of us in the industry of stretchy pants are SO grateful), decorating a tree together, spending time just being with those we truly love. And likely some drinking and celebrating as well. Retail changes this for the people who work its pre-holiday madness. I have missed a few Christmas parties this year, wont get to spend Christmas eve, and a few other holiday weekend the way most will and yeah, it brings me down a little because I DO adore the things we have created traditions from. This year I really let it get me in a place I didn’t want to be. I was a little grumpy feeling that I was missing out on what I felt was the essence of the season.

Fortunately, finally accepting that this was the way it was right now opened up a whole new perspective on what the holidays mean to me. – time with friends and family, value on limited time, digging into what working so much harder over the holidays gives me. I have been so lucky to spend time with new friends and old. It is the simple act of making dinner, sharing a beer or a cup of coffee, watching TV. This is what represents the holiday spirit to me. Lately, through some hard work, I have also managed to actually let people in. I am not so anxious about physical contact, a simply Christmas hug, hand hold, general holiday cuddle. I have allowed people to share in my joys and my frustrations. This has been the miracle this season that has allowed me to appreciate what this time of year is truly about. Working in a high volume retail environment has really taken the excitement of mass consumerism, something that can mark this time of year for many, out of the equation. Instead I am inspired and moved, to spend the precious little time I have not in a mall with the people I care about doing the simple things that might seem mundane to some.

All in all. I am looking for that alpenglow in the winter. The little things, the little signs of the progress I want to be making. May these small holiday joys continue!

Happiness Hit Her Like a Train on a Track.

Sometimes when you least expect it life turns right around.

Ok, always and only when you least expect it life turns right around. Life wasn't too bad. Life is rarely too bad but I was having a bit of a pity party for myself off and on for the last little while. Things are on the upswing. It isn't perfect but life never is. The thing is it is easier to feel inspired lately and, maybe more importantly, to do something with it. I have had the energy and desire to actually go out with my friends, to be at the gym, to do something other than nap when I get home from work...at 4pm. Something seems so simple but is beyond exciting to me.

it is just really nice to feel like I can pretty much do anything.

Your attention's been shifted, you summed up the feeling, with a simple dismissing.

I have a tendency of doing things in a way that is... less than ordinary.

 The other day, I took these shots at a park near my old house...

 ... and locked both sets of car keys in there while I took them

 It made me realize how grateful I am to have my family close by, even if only for a few weeks more

 My mum is tremendously funny, even when stalking a parked car (my... parked car) from across the street.

Sigh... Winter. When will you leave me be? When will you stop surprising me with your beauty?

hands open

Eff. That was the longest day in history. Ok maybe not but I am feeling so un-at peace right now the only thing I could think of to do was this. was write. was right?

It is coming to a point. Usually it is a simple game of what do I kind of like, what do I kind of not like? Does what I kind of like out weigh what I kind of don't like? No. Fix it. Right now it is more like, what do I deeply love doing... what do I deeply need to do? Is the first holding me back from the second? YUP. fix it?... How the heck to I do that? I am not going into details. I am just feeling so full of emotions I could burst. And I did. To the person who likes it least when I cry (in the world, and yes, he hates it more than I do) and in front people who I am not really interested in being seen by like that.

I know it comes down to I want more. I want what is important to me, not just what is a really good fit right now. Even if it is an amazing fit. I want both actually. hmmm. tell me more universe...

Western Promises.

I haven't felt this way in a long time. The tugging at heartstrings, the extra space in my chest, like a vacuum ready to be filled by something great. Something powerful. I am more alert, expectant even. My eyes are clear. I am ready for it. Ready for something more.

This itch, the instinctive need to migrate, to find adventure tends to flow every 4 months or so. I have become adept and hiding the signs, to those around me and my self. Sometimes it shows up in a need to move locations, literally to migrate to some where else. Often it culminates in the end of a relationship, to the detriment of both parties initially but often this gut feeling is indicative that I needed something more, something else. I used to feel it so deeply I never stayed in the same place, same job, same relationship for, what seemed like seconds, longer than that third of a year. 

To me it can be described in two words. Drive. West.

When asked what 'fills me up', what saturates me in the essence of what ever it is that keeps me going? I can always find assurance that I will find it West. It looks like mountain peaks, protective and unruly. It looks like pacific ocean, deep and full of the mysteries of the past. It looks like the forests tall and wise and a sign of a slower moving grace. There are times when the hunt for these things is a hunger, a running to. More often it is a running away, it sure is easy to gain speed out here on the prairies. Last night, as I drove home from the mall at an ungodly hour not too far from midnight, it became increasingly difficult to resist the pull. The deep seeded trust that there is something more. The urge to take Highway 1 West, instead of Bowness Rd East. I am excited. I feel change in the wind, in every breath.

Shut Your Eyes and Think of Somewhere, Somewhere Cold and Caked in Snow.

Yesterday I was driving home after another VERY long day at the "office". I rounded the exit from Memorial onto Crowchild and was blown away with a phenomenon that only seems to happen when our days are the shortest, nights are longest, darkest.  In the mountains they call it Alpenglow, to urbanites it is the golden light which makes the core of our city look like something far greater than steel, concrete and glass, mostly designed somewhere in the middle of the last century. Our winters can be long, cold, grey. Don't get me wrong, we are lucky compared to places where it is longer, colder and greyer but still, this is the time of the year it can be a little bit harder to get through the day with a smile, maybe simply because the days are all a little shorter. This glow was a reminder to me that there is always a little light, always something remarkable even in the time of year Canadians just tend to "get through". This view of my downtown almost brought me to tears. Something so simple as the way the winter light hit the glass that stuck in my brain. The saying, we've all heard probably too many times,  that every cloud has its silver lining. The "Urban" Glow was that silver lining to what is a bit of a tough go lately.

My biggest lesson from this is taking the opportunity to notice my surroundings, take stock of what inspires me. The simpler the better.

The Way You Move Ain't Fair.

We speak so much to the law of attraction at work. Pump the energy and it will bring people into our space. Have great people working for us, more great people will work for us. Lately I have been using this idea of like attracts like to play small. I visualize the parking spot I want and poof! It's mine! Today, after losing the ring my grandmother gave me when I was 16 I imagined it in the palm of my hand and when I went to change into my softest of cotton t's to sleep in I magically felt the ring slip from between my shoulder blades where it had been held by tank top all day and fall through my hair into my hands. Coincidently or not the right people have been coming into my life these days. I need them now. The perspective they have provided. The tools they let me use. It's truly incredible. I have been taking chances, subtle though they may seem to others, and it has been paying off. I am still exhausted. Still unable to do most of what I would like to at the end of the day but I feel like I am on the up swing. I am getting what I need to be myself. So, I need to play big. Attract the things into my life that are truly big. And to be honest, this should be easier than the enormous tangibility of finding a solid piece of silver, or of fitting my loving jay and his volvo x-country sized trunk into an icy mall parking lot on a weekend afternoon. The big things I want are simply the energy to get through a whole day without napping and including a trip to the gym.  I want the motivation to spend time with friends. I want to want to go for long walks and capture the icy winter light with my lens. I want to be fun  again. I WILL be all these things. I will attract them into my life.

It's amazing what a little positive self talk and perspective can do for a girl!

Heart Skipped A Beat. Part 2.

We get asked the question of what do we want to be when we grow up from an impossibly young age. When we are really little our answers are usually extraordinary. I want to be a blue boat. I want to be a princess. I want to go to space. I want to make delicious gluten free desserts (ok, maybe not). The older we get the more expectations tend to be put on us. Go to a good school, get good grades, go to a good university, graduate with a decent ( or better) GPA, become a doctor, lawyer, business person. Become an accountant. Set your goals so you can do all these things then perhaps marry another doctor, lawyer, business person. If your lucky, marry an accountant. Better yet, a civil servant. They have amazing pensions. Buy a house with 3 bedrooms for your 2 kids and get a hypo-allergetic dog. And this is OK. This is great. IF and only IF this is what truly makes  you happy. This is what truly lights you up.

I had never really heard of following my bliss until I spent 200 hours with a tried and true blissologist. I had always felt uncomfortable and un motivated by expectations I didn't place on myself (but allowed to perpetuate by goal setting). I had always put off this lifestyle saying " oh i will go back to school after taking a year off", "I will be a lawyer but first I just want to try a few things on". Previously people had started to help me open up to the idea that there was more than just one way of doing things. One night we were sitting around the blissology table talking about 'what lights us up'. i was frantic with worry that I didn't have a 'good one'. People were passionate about a lot of things but I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure what really got me fired up. It came to me as a sudden winter storm on the ocean. I was truly living in the moment, truly inspired and happiest when I had a camera in my hands or I was inspiring others. These things got me talking with my hands, a sure sign that I am more excited than I can even let on through tone and facial expression. The more we talked about our bliss the more I could see people's true purpose in life. I could see what they were truly meant to do here.

To further my study of following my bliss I picked up a copy of Joseph Campbell's Power of Myth. He, as someone truly living bliss, or doing what he was meant to do, puts it all into perspective. His teachings put into perspective and added a level of academia to the discussion.

At the end of the day living a life following ones bliss is meaningful, it's powerful, it's FUN. And when all our goals align with our passion then... well then we almost have it figured out. Don't you think?

I bet this mighty river's both my saviour and my sin.

I dream of ski bindings.

The feeling of my toe solidly in place and the resistance on my heel until... it just clicks. Visually the image runs through my brain daily, or even twice, from June until late October. I can see it happen like an out of body experience, I can hear it... that heavy click that connects boot to binding, like the subtle mechanics of the shutter of my camera, the tool of the artist in place. I can feel it. I feel it in every part of my body like the muscles, tendons and bones of my legs, back, shoulders, they were born to step into bindings. Weird I know.

In late October I start to dream of it. In November the muscle memory floods my conscious and sub conscious. If I haven't stepped in by December I go into overload. This simple action breathes meaning, passion, purpose into my life.

Today was my day. I pulled my boots on like I had taken them off days before, perhaps after dropping into something ballsy then eating shit at Kicking Horse. I felt energy for the first time in weeks. Like some one had plugged me in after letting the battery run too low. I finished kitting up and finally went to step in, the moment I clearly had been waiting for all season. Low and behold, the spots for my boots to click into were flipper sized. If you know anything about me you may know my nick name is little foot. It speaks to my hoof sized feet. Clearly the handsome and witty boys at Ski Cellar had cleaned my bindings but had neglected to put them back where they needed to be. Sadly in that moment there was not boot to binding love for me.

Fortunately it was a stunning day and being the overly solution focused person I am went to get them adjusted at the rental shop.
There are three things, other than boot size, that someone adjusting bindings needs to know.
1) how much I weigh
2) how tall I am
3) how well I ski.
Without even a moments hesitation I let my ego step right up. I lied about all three. Now, a word of warning when it comes to lying about things that affect how your skis pop off when they need to PLEASE don't exaggerate your lie or you WILL get hurt. eff. So, back to the story, without a moments hesitation I told the very nice and reasonably handsome boy that I weighed 5 pounds less than I do in reality, I mentioned I was half an inch taller (really!! WHO CARES!) and told him I was a pretty good skier. I think he sensed I was full of shit and asked if I felt comfortable on any of the black runs here at Nakiska. Realizing he was about to give me a lighter din setting that was probably necessary for what I intended to ski this season I replied that I was very comfortable on the double blacks at Kicking Horse, within reason of course. The funniest thing about this whole situation was the acknowledgement that my ego is always there, even when I don't need to be, even when it makes NO SENSE. It was such a poignant moment. There is always work to be done on this.

Needless to say I eventually got up. Into my bindings and out on to the hill. I know this is what makes me happy. It lights me up. I was born to do it. And with my quads burning with the build up of lactic acid from under use this past month I swore to squats and stair-master at the gym this week. Slowly building up so i will progress this year. The only words to describe the singing in my heart. The peace in my mind are: I fucking love skiing.

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream.

Big goals are scary. Sometimes I like to set goals that to me seem unattainable because part of me seems to be certain I will never achieve them. It seems like an easy way to get out of it, impossibly lofty goals don't really have to be reached. No matter how many people are on the team getting there. Today, well today was different. We got there. We didn't really know it had even happened until it hit us like a transport truck on a slick highway (holy metaphors batman). One minute our freezing feet were heading to my frosty car, post race of course, and suddenly we were jumping up and down laughing almost to the point of joyous tears in the parking lot. It happened. That goal we set out in July happened. The goal that was so big I tried, impossibly hard, to give up countless times. It kept drawing us in like moths to a flame, like deer to a salt lick, like me to the Ship on a friday night. The unbelievable thing was it just kept snowballing. One thing lead to another and I found myself tearing up, while I watched the team we has so lovingly picked and developed doing exactly what we had picked them and developed them to do. I am sure I have no idea what real parents feel like when their children do amazing things like walk their first steps or go on their first dates with handsome young men but today, tonight, I couldn't have been more proud of our team, where we came from and where we are now.

Soberly, I know we have work to do. I know we are not perfect. There will be more slogging, constant diligence to creating greatness but even if it was just for 10 hours or so, we know it is there. We can do it again and again and then this is what will be mediocre and greatness will be something more.

I am in love. I am truly blessed by the people in my life. Today, in its entirety, is the reason it never let me give up.

You are the best thing that's ever been mine.

Sweet sweet day. There is often a point where something shifts in me. Like the flick of a switch and suddenly like flood lights coming on over a dark field, everything is bright as day. These are the moments that I know I will reach what I have set out for myself. The rare flittering glimpses at a flowing clarity. Often I find I think too hard. Try to get the right answers to come at the right times. or at least I think their right. I want them to be so. Something about today just clicked. The words, the ideas, the lofty strategies seemed to flow through me and for that. For that I am so grateful.

To be honest, the two things holding me back are my frustrating health and my photos. I want both to be vivacious, electric, driving what I do daily. I have taken the first step to getting health back. I filled out 10 (what seemed to be 10 thousand) pages of medical history before I am off the the naturopath tomorrow and hopefully she will give me some insight into what ever is holding me back. My photography on the other hand... I know I need to dedicate more time but i am just so darn excited about all the other wonderful projects that I can't seem to wrap my mind around sitting behind a screen for long periods of time editing tiny works of art.

sigh. Such a full day. Such a long day.

love don't live here anymore

I have been living with a weighty choice for years now. Something that lays heavy on my heart like a warm hudson's bay blanket. I have ran to and from both options. Each bares with it lusty highs and sinking lows. The great debate.

Will it be Vancouver, home of the gray, annoying hockey fans, and that intangible feeling that makes me understand in my heart that I am home?

Or is it Calgary, brash, freezing, an unmistakable down home, small town feeling and surrounded by all. that. prairie?

Seriously the list of pros for Vancouver is lengthy.
- My career goals would be significantly easier to achieve living in the city of yoga and head-stretchy-pant-offices.
- My dearest friends reside between water and mountains, for the most part. And I miss them
- I would get to see my favourite fake niece and her father would stop harassing me to come visit
- Running by the ocean. Enough said.
- Being near my dearest childhood kindred spirit
- Cheap. Sushi.
- Ferries.
- Squamish MacDonalds.
- Howe Sound.
- My yoga family.
- That inexplainable feeling of getting off the plane at YVR and knowing I am both at home and starting out on a great adventure at the same time.
- The cost of living would cut down on my consumption and my waistline

Why Van is Loco.
- Grey. Gray. Gris.
- Damp. Wet. Un-dry.
- Parking = seriously?
- Driving is a kin to taking ones life into ones hands.
- HST
- The cost of living would cut down on my consumption and my waistline
- The cost of losing some of the magic by being a permanent resident
- Canucks
- Canucks fans

... ah my inability to stay awake for long periods of time is taking over. Tomorrow night... Calgary!

I'm just a dreamer, but I'm hanging on

The Hangover is easily one of my favourite movies. It, along with a singular episode of How I Met Your Mother (the Jessica Glitter and Robin Sparkles duo can't be topped) can lift my mood no matter how deep in it I am in. There is something so endearing about 4 boys (and no, I don't mean men) on a quest for something greater than themselves with diminished capacity to do so (based on being intensely drugged, drunk and most likely exhausted the night before their great adventure). I felt a great camaraderie with the hangover boys today as I watched the movie for what seemed like the thousandth time and not because of our previous evenings. While they had the night of their lives I have had a weary few weeks fighting off what I can only assume is the flu. They didn't catch a wink of sleep... it seems as though that is all I do, though I do enjoy the luxurious idea of naps it is getting a little bit old. They didn't feel so hot during the day, me neither. I will admit though that minor flu symptoms, even for prolonged periods of time, is WAY better than heat stroke, pulled teeth and the worst hangover in the history of movie making.

Beyond the jokes I am incredibly frustrated. It is a challenge to be awake long enough to put in a day at work and when I get home I simply fall on the couch and sleep. This is NOT who I am, not who I want to be. My weekends are filled with long naps, lethargy  and a complete inability to do the things I want to to the extent I wish to do them. I am not sick enough to feel like I can't but I am feeling too exhausted to do.

Lastly, I don't complain. Or at least not often. I am looking for a solution and any help  you have would be SO welcome. I am eating as cleanly as I can ( I know that's not too specific or measurable). Get as much sleep as is available to me (at least 8 hours!). I am practicing very gentle yoga, drinking lots of tea, oil of oregano and all my vitamins. Help a sister out!

Peace and love... and I hope if you are under the weather it is as a result of an epic hangover and not a never ending flu...

And the best one of the year, dozing off underneath my sheets

There are events in our lives that are so synchronistic that it is hard to put into words how truly impactful they are. Some events that you or I many only realize the impact of days, months or decades down the road. Then, yes then, there are events so inspiring it is impossible not to believe they will impact your life for the best in that very second. These are the moments that you clearly see that when you are in the middle of it all this experience is already transforming your cells, your mind, your future. Tonight I got to live this full on.  I was lucky enough to spend my evening with the best view in the city surrounded by the most  influential, driving, motivating and inspiring athletes, leaders, in our community. They are celebrities in their chosen professions. They change others, give them the tools to transform their lives, them selves. It is amazing. These are the funniest, most charismatic people in existence and I spent a night with them. Then, as if that wasn't enough, I got to chat with the 2 people whose jobs i would most like to be mine. They sat there and supported me in all my questions, never flinching at the thought that i wanted to sit where they are, instead excited that they love their jobs enough that someone else would want to take it on when their goals become realities.

I know I can be more. I know I can achieve all I set out to. Not just for me. Not for me at all. For you. For us.

Oh yeah, and one of those amazing people passed along this. Because who doesn't love tilt shift lenses... right?

All the lights that light the way are blinding

2 things kept filtering through my mind when I sat down to write this evening: Everything will be OK and, Why am I not more inspired? That and... I wish I had drank something gluten free instead of that pint of grasshopper. So first. Everything will be ok. It's that feeling I get deep in my chest, a light in a dark tunnel that shows me that there is a something great on the horizon. I only get this feeling, in its most authentic form, when my heart and soul need a reminder. Life is pretty good these days. I am laying the foundation for great things ahead. It's not easy though. I find that day to day... it can be a struggle. In a newish and challenging roll at work I find I am putting 3 times the effort into every moment of my day to get 1/3 of the results I was looking for. It will all be ok. I am working on my personal life, using all the possible coaching I can and yet... well let's just say I am not beating off the suitors with sticks yet. My heart tells me, it will all work out. All the other little pieces of the puzzle... I've got them laid out in front of me but they haven't been put into place. Thank god my heart keeps beating, it will be ok.

Why am I not more inspired? Maybe because I haven't given myself the time or space. Well here it goes.

There aint no other friend like you

Best Friends. You know the ones? The ones who's voice you may not have heard since your last birthday, the ones you see once or twice a year if lucky but when you are together, in a room of any size, you are right back to where you left off, the laughter is infectious. My dearest friend is in town. She is right upstairs in fact. That is such a glorious gift as she actually lives on the very opposite side of the world. Having her in my home and near me again is like a spark of life to me. 2 peas in a pod. We indulged in wine and pizza tonight at our favourite restaurant in the city. It was simply like old times. Bursts of hilarity, so much food, so much love. I can't really express how good it is to have her in such close proximity!

Sigh. It's going to be a great few days!

When I want you I'll follow you.

The need to write, versus the desire to write, doesn't strike me as often as I would like. Tonight it came to me like lightening out of a clear sky. From almost sleep I was bolted awake by the need to put these thoughts to paper... or limitless cyber space (the first seems much more nostalgic and romantic).

Earlier today, in a snow soaked afternoon, I was sharing with my mum that I am not a risk taker. Oh sure, I have travelled, skied 'extreme' terrain, moved all over the world but these have been very calculated. I am quite certain of the outcome, at least to some extent before I agree to undertake the task at hand. When it comes to risk that I can't predict the outcome of I am less inclined to jump in. The exception to this rule was in Greece this summer. When I bolted up right to put fingers to keys my Facebook page was open. On my feed was a photo that one of my friends had 'liked'.  In this photo I was being helped from a pool atop a stunning hill over looking the ocean. One hand reaching up for that of the person helping me out and the other diligently clutching my dress to my breasts hoping that not too much of my undergarments and flesh were exposed to the wedding party and guests. This photo put into stark contrast the life I often live with the one I sometimes do. My weeks in Greece this summer were full of doing things that were risky. Things that by any standard of common sense shouldn't have ended up working out in any way. By any stretch of the imagination I could have been very sick, robbed or worse, and embarrassed my best friend in the world. In those moments, mind you many at the end of very long days in the Greek sun with a few beers, I was free from consequence and I acted based on what felt exciting, what gave me a rush, what I knew if I didn't do it there, in that moment, I would never have the chance to do again. THIS. This is how I will live my life.

oh yeah... this has been stuck in my head all day.

Just like raindrops, even though you're a million miles away

I always think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs in times like these. Times where I am fine with having no integrity because my ability to stay vertical during the day, function on very minimal rest and sap the last remaining drops of good health before crashing are the guiding force at the forefront of my cluttered mind. So my house of cards has blown over and the only thing left to do is cut my losses and sleep. Sleep. Like seriously sleep in past 6 am (which IS a sleep in folks). I need to sharpen the saw sort to speak. To rekindle the dying fire in my chest before it burns out completely. I have made the last week, 2 weeks, work. I have gotten by and given as much as I could, sometimes more, when ever I could muster it. I paid for the push in a lot of tear soaked drives to and from my beloved northerly mall, soundtrack- Journey. I let a lot of people down. I am so sorry if you were one of those my integrity crumbled with. I will apologize in person soon. In the mean time I will sleep. Get my life back together. Get my practice back on track. ALL in time for the  one thing that brings me so much joy. My twin sister back from Aus. Sigh. Long week behind, long week ahead. This time I will be prepared.

LOVE. LOVE TO ALL.

i'm just a dreamer but i'm hanging on

Yesterday a good friend dropped me a line. It's messaged contained simply this - "this reminds me of you."

What a gift! Something designed to touch, move and inspire? What more could a girl ask for. I delved in. Deep. I fell in love with every image. The ones of fingers on hands intertwined, the ones of funny girls in big glasses. The ones of love and hope and bravery. These ones.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one. But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

My practice. It sustains me. Clears my head. Makes me a higher functioning human being. I went to a class tonight, my first hot flow class in FAR too long. Funny enough all day I had been thinking about my previous store manager. I was thinking about the impact she had made on who I had become. On how much I enjoyed working the retail floor with her, how much I enjoyed our yoga dates, how much I enjoyed solving all the problems of the business with her over a huge glass of red wine. I was thinking, more than anything, that I had not seen her in forever and that I missed her. So anyway, I turn up to this hot class, prepared to examine all my muscles that hadn't been toned lately, prepared to debate passing out, and low and behold she was teaching. Turns out she was having a day eerily similar to mine. She had wanted to chat about my new role with the company, to touch base with me on where I was, what I was up to, any and all exciting news that had come up in the previous months. The connection brought so much joy to me. The stars of the universe had aligned.


The thing I love about hot yoga is that, like a good shower, if you need to cry no one really notices. There is so much sweat, smudged make up and expression of fortitude that no one would ever guess i was crying and not simply working really hard to stretch my hips in pigeon.  I am desperately trying to get over my ego in terms of waterworks but somedays I just really hate for other to know that not all is in control in my life. I was having a pretty great, pretty lazy day but after a few postures that really get into opening the chest and hips I had had it. Folded over my bent front leg, my back leg extended behind me Ben Harper came on to the sound system. The song has a place in me that tugs at the heart strings every time. It stirs in me memories of my summers on the coast, the air ripe with blackberry and campfire, the sun warming the dock where I would lie on my back and listen to my boyish crushes strum this song on their guitars, vibrations in my head as I hummed along, ocean beneath me, clouds streaking the sky above. Folded there on my mat tonight I felt a longing for those days, those people, realizing what I have let slip from my life. I had a really good cry into my mat and as I did I could feel the tension ease out of my hips like melted butter. Sigh. good night.

Reach the city steps tonight.

I don't take compliments well. I often blush, turn away, change the subject. Regardless of my reaction there are 2 types of compliment that make me more proud, happier, more willing to push forward, get better. 

Knowing I made an impact through training and that people learned, were enrolled and were inspired by what I had to pass on.

That people read this. That they enjoy it. That they hear my voice in it and that it brings something to their day beyond just the normal to and fro.

That is what makes me tick. That is what touches, moves and inspires me. Thank you. Thank you for listening.

but at least there's something beating in my chest

I suck at scrabble. I love to play but I am the kid that always comes up with the obvious 3 letter words. If I am lucky i will have a burst of inspiration and I will come up with a brilliant piece of the english language like... caged, or wins. This is ok. This is great even. It is such a great thing for me to relate to  my life right now. I will always be a beginner at something. I will always be learning and improving at something.

but at least there's something beating in my chest.

I am a member of the north folk and that could mess up any kid

I have been training and in training all week. It had been transformative and exhausting all at once. Today, though I learned so much. All the amazing people sitting in front of me, sharing their inspiring goals, their visions for where they will be in 10 years. I could see them popping, getting it. Actually integrating ideas that wont just help them be great at their jobs (which it will) but also be great at their lives. It was life changing for me. Not only did it drastically impact the way I train going forward but it has also allowed me see ideas put into action and their success. Amazing.

I am being developed so much by these truly great additions to the company... and they have no idea. What fun!

this is a song for no one.

There are people in my life who I admire. Who I put on a pedestal, who I hear speak so powerfully and with so much intention that all I can think to my self is... How will I ever be like them? How will I ever get to where they are?

Today I saw moments of that greatness in myself. I heard my voice, saw the way the people I was enrolling responded, and knew, in that second, that I WAS speaking with that power. With that intention. Now to be that in every moment. In every second.

That has lit the fire in me. My heart skipped a beat and I knew that I could spark the transformation in others that had been sparked in me.

mmm and now for sleep.

Pull Back the Chairs and Lie Down Low... lie down low.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

Does this resonate with you the way it does with me?

Life BEGINS. At the END. Of your comfort zone.  This is where I have been living for the past few weeks (you could probably tell) and I can tell you it is way more fun, way more exciting, way more challenging and exhausting than I had ever imagined. The startlingly beautiful thing is that I have gotten more out of and put way more into my life that I have in a long time. It is a little bit like waking up from a dream, things just seem to be happening at the right time in the right way.

If you had three, you'd give me two.

2 things refresh my soul. Mountains and Friendships. At the end of this week of growth and transformation a weekend that was saturated by both was more than I, or anyone, could ask for.

My heart is so full I feel it has grown three sizes and soon will no longer fit in my chest. Extraordinary.

Our purpose in Banff was two-fold. First we were cheering on the runners in the Winter Start race, trying to bring them some joy on the rainy cold night as they ran their hearts out. The second mission was to show our wise and golden friend from central Canada a little bit of why we all live in this changeable province. The fact of the matter is that very little is more fun than welcoming someone to their first Banff adventure. Re-exploring old haunts and plenty of "that's where I used to grocery shop, run, live, etc". Banff new comers also always remind me how lucky I am to live near our ruggedly comforting mountains. It is easy to fall in love with them all over again when your companion repeats how spectacular they are over and over again.

I have also been given a gift of friendship this weekend. It has been so comforting to solidify burgeoning relationships and re-forge old ones. My heart is warm by the love and support that was exchanged over the last few days.  One of my best friends has also been around more often. Living in BC we don't keep in touch as much as I would like but my inbox has been filled with a multitude of texts, songs, photos lately and it is the next best thing to having him close by. This is his latest gift.



 It has been such a week of discovery and it is made more wonderful by being topped of with great friends.

You just gotta ignite the light.

A dear friend once told me that elevating the world was exhausting. She was so right. I am on a high simply for getting my life back in my own control and so wiped I can barely keep my eyes open. It is a blissful exhaustion though, one that when I fall into my feathery bed I will sleep with no interruption, no -mares of any kind to cause unrest.

I am simply grateful right now. Grateful that my friends are lovingly allowing me to learn from my diminished integrity with them. Grateful for my golden lady who continues to coach me and give me the tools that will get me where I truly want. Grateful to myself for being open to all the coaching, the communication, the work that is already elevating me to be happy, to be joyful even. This is loving life. This is what lights me up.

The kids will just want a love song.

I have been MIA for a few days I know. I have been MIA from my own life for a while. Doing everything I could to get by, looking like I had it all together. Ok, not TOTALLY looking like I had it all together. Fortunately for my sanity and my relationships a switch was flipped. Tuesday morning I was given a gift.

What was supposed to be a simple goal coaching turned into a 2 (and a bit hours) of dealing with my shit. All that responsibility, stubbornness, not indulging in risk taking (or at least  not anything more than extremely calculated risk taking) was really just this lovely facade that meant I didn't really listen, was never really present. Basically I have been missing out on my own life. I was lucky enough to get some tools to alleviate these things and start to get back on track to getting what I want, to having the legacy that means so much to me. Funny enough it has already made me happier, made the tightness in my chest and that sinking feeling in my stomach ease up, even go away completely at times. Even more so, in 24 and a bit short hours, I found I am connecting to my friends, my staff, our customers on a level that is so much more supportive, genuine and impactful. I can't express in type how joyful this makes me. I am ecstatic.


 I never really understood how exhausting it is to be someone you are not.

Love.

I'm not finished, I could give so much more.

Today was long. As have been many of the last few days. I wrote that being passionate about something has its up sides and down sides. Long as these days have been there have been many ups. It is that transition time for so many people in my life it is hard not to be acutely aware of transition in your own.

Today I made a new friend. She is golden and wise and light and whimsical all at the same time. Really such a feat for someone who flew in from Toronto (you didn't think I would let this post go with out just a little friendly jab!). We went to yoga together and it is hard not to get inspired when a band you are deeply fond of comes on during some intense deep tissue stretching. It is something I want to use in my teachings, music people identify with, that draws them out of their chattering minds and back into the room, into them selves, into their core.

In addition (yes i am exhausted and scatter brained!) i am looking forward to tomorrow immensely!

I don't mind when you only call me when you want... I'm just glad you want me at all.

Being upside down, nothing use to make me more unsettled. I started this knowing that physically this phenomenon was something true to me but the more I thought about it, the more it trickled into my mind that I didn't like my world turned on its head emotionally or abstractly either.

The turning point was handstands. Eoin Finn Loves Handstands. I do not. Did not. I was almost in tears at the thought of having to boost my butt above my head and hold my own weight on my hands. I would avoid even trying it at any cost. Eoin didn't understand this. His solution was simply to pick me up and suddenly I would be in handstand. Now it was not an instant conversion but by the end of 250 hours... I am addicted to the whole upside down thing. Today in class I was that person who two months previously I would have death glared across class. I was the kid who when the teacher asked "does anyone have any requests?" I responded with HAND STANDS!! And you know what? It was fun. It was playful in the middle of a week where playful was exactly what was necessary. My life also reflects this new theory. Sometimes you need to look at things from an angle so different from that you normally take you feel like you are on your head. This makes the routine new and exciting, life... actually living, not just going through the paces.  Long story short. I.LOVE.UPSIDE.DOWN.

On my block

I have been stressing lately. You probably noticed. Being passionate has its upsides when I am falling madly in love with a job or a boy or a sport or a boy at a job or a sport but being passionate can also get me in big trouble. I throw myself into things head first with out checking for rocks or dead heads where I am to land. I tend to get so wrapped up in these things I am passionate about that I can, especially when it comes to jobs, lose sleep, have camp-mares, ski-hill-reservation-service-mares, nylon-lyrca-mares. Yoga is my salvation. It is my balance. My litmus test of how am I doing today? It is the one thing above all else that centres me.

Tonight was no different. A delicious yin/restorative class in a warm room lead by a young man with a soothing voice. A better end to a Tuesday? I can't think of one. The theme of the class was using stillness as a way to get to know yourself. "If you are wondering why you react or deal with things the way you do" he said, "just sit here for an hour and a lot of answers will arise". I didn't need hours, I needed minutes. Not only did I discover a sensation that eased my tight hip flexors but also an idea which Curran, our instructor, allowed to permeate his class. Horizons of change or transformation. I, like many others I believe, often come to a place in class where the sensation gets to be a distraction, where it would be SO much easier to back out of a posture, rock back into child's pose and wait on the next one to arrive. I get to this place in life too where it is frustrating, I seem as if I am going nowhere, pushing against a stillness that will not move. These, Curran described, were simply a great opportunity to learn about our selves. These are our horizons of change.

Santa Monica you've got no chance

I haven’t cried for no real reason in what feels like forever. They are the kind of tears that come on without warning, like storms on the island, they come off the ocean in an instant and there is so much beauty, in the raw power of it.  I am frantic not to disappoint, steadfast in my lust to keep balance in my life, hanging by a fingernail to get one step ahead when I am just one step behind. I love it. These feelings keep the knowledge that I am living, moving forward at the forefront of my mind. And, as I rarely cry, it is a glimpse into the few moments where my eyes change colour under the glassy liquid to what I always dreamed they were.

I am standing in nothing with every single possibility ahead and while this inspires the pants off me it is also scary as. Fortunately, courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyways, at least according to John Wayne and I am pretty sure he knows a thing or two about courage. Off to ride into the sunset…

Baby baby don't you stop, up on that mountain top.

By the grace of something great another addictive album by another favourite band has fallen into my possession. Having a strong affinity to these boys, through study sessions in the library of our alma-mater, through golden summer camp days, heck even through naming my car after their lead singer, I can't get enough of their catchy-foot-tapping beats. This latest album is no disappointment. I am listening to this, some of this, and even a little bit of this. mmm, delicious!

Funny enough my crazy world is both everything to me right now and yet I find I am not attached. Committed yes. Attached no. I never really saw a distinction in these two but if the work I do is anything it is a study in language and the subtle nature of words and how they shape our world. No, I am not a writer, my day job is MUCH more tangible.  Attachment is this thing that is based in our ego (at least mine, my ego LOVES attachment). To me attachment is when something, someone or time or way that I may not even really like or be attracted to becomes something/one/way/time that I greatly fear losing because it is in someway identified as MINE and if I lose it I become less because this thing is not in my possession. Crazy eh? ( secretly, or not, this tends to be a lot of relationships I get my saucy little self into but perhaps we shall leave that for another day). Commitment on the other hand speaks to me as something that I truly value to improve my life and those of others but if lost I am still whole. Perfect, complete and whole. Back on topic, I am committed to my job these days because it is just so darned fun. I get to take risks and make decisions and improve the situation for all involved. It speaks to me.

As someone who is deeply passionate and values this passion in my life I find it very easy to get carried away. I told you that I would keep you up to date on how reading "Focal Point" was going... well so far it has told me to take 1 day off a week. I don't just mean a day off where you are not on the schedule but you check emails, take work phone calls, stop by the office "just to pick something up". NO they mean A DAY OFF. Like NO PHONE, NO EMAIL. Holy smokes. I am tempted just to try it this weekend to see if I spontaneously combust. So in blog form I solemnly commit to taking Sunday off. Yest the whole thing.

Lastly. This was the first of Their songs I fell in love with. Jay wrote it and played it to his campers the summer he worked there, by the water. This brings me back to where ever I need to go. Whenever I need to go there. This.Is. it

wont you give me something that i need... give me something to believe in

It might be shocking to hear, knowing what I did last night, that today was inspiring, inspiring just like lightning out of a clear sky. It is becoming evident that Friday is my night to let loose after my jam packed weeks. Now last night was pretty tame as Friday nights go except it is becoming increasingly clear that I can't simply pretend that my wheat allergies don't exist when it comes to a pint or two of Grasshopper. This being said I am not sure wether to chalk this rather under the weather feeling up to a true hangover or, more likely, to a vicious wheat allergy just trying to help me see the light. Either way today did not seem promising when I awoke at 8:30 this am.

Luckily enough the light was spectacular today! We don't get very many days in Calgary that seem to be veiled with such a golden mist that everything glows under the sun. The cyprus trees at the end of the alley were a noble and other worldly sight this morning.  In my less than perky way I drove off to coffee with a very dear friend. This woman is one in my life who never ceases to amaze me. Though our friendship started in a rather unlikely way it has grown to a deep connection that I share with very few. In her wisdom this morning she reminded me that THIS. IS. IT. This is it. SO easy. I know it just hit home today, hard like the a hammer on a nail head, putting one more board in place in the foundations of the future. It's funny to think that when we are complete with our past we can truly create for ourselves a future that is what we want and now in this moment this is all we have, this is it. This is the only moment, the only posture in the world, the only song, the only meal. In this moment, you and I are all that exist. Sigh, big thoughts for such a day.

Tell me if I'm going crazy but everything you said amazed me...

My Friday morning ritual includes a trip to the farmers market. On the best of days I meet up with one of the girls from work but today it was a solo mission. It was pure magic. I started, as usual, with a trip to the long line up for a Phil & Sebastian latte (my only REAL milk of the week). Now as much as the line is always rather winding and lengthy at its end are always handsome men, perfectly texturized milk, and if your as lucky as I was this morning, a beautiful heart in your coffee! The nice thing about avoiding dairy most of the time is when you have a delicious 2% milk latte it is so sweet. I took my first foamy sip and seriously considered going back to the bar to ask if they have mistakenly put sugar in it (and a little bit to have a reason to flirt with the charming baristas). The morning continued with an overwhelming array of colour and delicious smells. I bought spinach from a delightful farmer man who talked my ear off about crops and labour as I smiled, happy with the knowledge that I not only knew where my food came from but also who was lovingly bagging it and making sure it went to a good home. The one moment, above all the colour and laughter, that i wished I had captured on film was two little boys, one very very blond and the other darker, each perched on a green milk crate with another on in front as a table devouring homemade perogies and sour cream (oh, i wish i was doing the same... stupid pre-christmas slim down) while their mother rang through vegetables and organic chicken to feed the families of downtown.

Burning down the mountain, better call on the fire brigade

I am living life at full tilt these days. I am the happiest chicken running around headless or maybe more accurately the newest puppy so overwhelmed by smells and sights, I don't know what to do first, I don't know where to go the quickest. It has left me drained but oh so content.

Newly I am fully addicted to the most recent Kings of Leon album. More addicted than I had predicted. (yes, I know that rhymes). I know I can't stop writing about it but it is THE most perfect thing to listen to on these brilliant fall days. Catchy enough to sing along to, great with the windows up or down, and just melancholy enough to be fitting for this season. Sigh, I am in love, in deep.

Lastly, for my most random post yet, I spent more time in Staples today than most people would deem necessary. It is my happy place. There is nothing like new stationary to put me in a very organized, productive and blissful mood.

All in all, Great Day. Hope you all (i am utterly convinced it is not just me anymore) had one too!

Wish they all could be California Girls

I have theses sun glasses. Nothing is really special about them. The frames aren't too big  (fact I LOVE big sunglasses), they are brown and of a classic shape. What is remarkable about them is this. Everything I see through them has this perfect tint to it. Like everything I see through them is an exquisitely edited photo. It makes me look at everything with fresh eyes. Today, for example, I couldn't stop staring at the clouds. This could have been bad if traffic wasn't stop and start ( mostly stop) on the way from work to more 'work'. Every time I looked up though I was floored, floored by our amazing prairie sky. Sigh, once an Alberta girl always and Alberta girl.

Who's side are you on, what side is there anyway?

This city is ripe with newness. A new mayor who might just be the change we all need to see in the world (quite an uncommon thing in this city driven by oil, gas and an old world conservative sensibility...sometimes). A new job for me. One I have lived and breathed and fought with and for most days for the last year. Remember your first year of high school? That year you went from being at the top of your game in junior high and suddenly you were starting fresh, right at the bottom of the pack again. It's a pretty sweet feeling with nothing to loose and everything to gain. That is how I feel moving into my new role, I am definitely the fresh faced new comer. There is so much that I don't know I don't know that I can't wait to get in deep.

In addition to all these wonderful new job opportunities the new Kings of Leon album came out today and it is spectacular. Not only are these boys easy on the eyes and ears but they create music that tugs at my heart strings and those tugs mark moments that will stay with me forever. The first time I heard them I was in a bar in Siem Reap called Angkor What? Two very handsome british men were vying for our affection and True Love Way came on. This band ended up representing a lot of that summer travelling South East Asia and has trickled into the rest of my life.

Equally lovely is the new (and new ONLY to me) book I have recently picked up. Focal Point by Brian Tracy is going to kick my butt into gear! I will keep you updated on my transformation.

continued...

Getting down 25 things that are inspiring is more work than I thought. Here it is... the last 10.

15) The process of visualizing the life that I truly desire is one of the most powerfully inspirational things I have done. Details that bring about in me feelings of contentment, power and excitement range from the kind of light my studio will get in the winter to how eccentric my future husband thinks my hobbies are. It is this process of goal setting and achieving them that keeps my fire lit. It is also the true challenge of failing to reach momentous goals in the way or time I originally imagined (and failing multiple times at this) and then finally digging deep, working hard and, like reaching the summit after an arduous climb, coming out on top.

16) My life’s mission is to teach others, to inspire them to be the greatest versions of themselves. It drains me, takes all I’ve got every time, but nothing, not anything gives me the same high as someone figuring out they are great at something. That they can achieve anything thing they want.

17) Colour. I lived once, in a town that for 8 months of the year was gray. Gray stone buildings, gray lake, gray sky, dirty gray snow. It was nearly the end of me. Red, blue, green and all in between are what keep me sparked.

18) Usually the middle of August a little nudge creeps into my brain, it is about that time again. Ski movie trailers come out! You might think ‘ well how could this girl possibly compare ski movie trailers to things like the Rockies or goal setting or making out to Bob Dylan’ but the honesty of the matter comes down to this. Ski movie trailers get me stoked for what’s to come while often others are already mourning the loss of summer. I head to the gym to prep my legs to deal with the lactic acid that will soon build in them as my skis chew powder. I dust off my skis and take them in to see Don, the same man who has been taking care of them and their predecessors for me for over 2 decades. It gets me excited about the thing that gets me inspired. What more could I ask for?

19) I was 17 and had just learned how to drive stick. I distinctly remember the sky was gray, the highway gleamed under the falling rain. I had kicked off my school shoes, exposing green knee socked foot to the pedals so I could feel the connection better. The heat was on full, it was freezing. Some song I had an affinity for in my last year of high school was playing on the radio and all I could think of was how right then, right now, was the most perfect moment in the world.

20) Any group going through something big is bound to bond. Bound to inspire each other through shared experiences. The people who I went through 200 hours with this summer on The Island epitomize this concept. Each was so empathetic, so powerful, so graceful and beyond any stretch of the imagination, each were so completely hilarious. They were mums, dads, young, Olympians, nurses, farmers, all bringing something unique and progressing to the table.

21) Ferries. My best thinking has always been done on a giant boat.

22)… or driving a vehicle. Feeling the breeze on my collar bones in the summer, driving barefoot, road tripping with a good friend, long treks my myself, all are places of transition and new discoveries.

23) My family to make it easy.

24) Quiet time.

25) Those around me who are not afraid to be themselves or to be the change they wish to see in the world.  “There’s nothing more dangerous than someone who wants to make the world a better place.” - Banksy 

SO that's it. 

Sleep Tight!

I get world sick every time I take a step

I find no shortage of inspiration in my life these days. It's abundance is what keeps me creating, moving forward, loving. A dear friend and fellow writer recently created a list of moments that sparked her and I want to create a similar record. Below are the 25 things that I can always count on to make my heart skip a beat.

1) A camera in my hand and any city street, open field, or mountain vista. I feel alive when I capture the subtle and unexpected.

2) This. This woman lives the dream and expresses it in a way that makes me wonder if we were sisters in another lifetime. I'm convinced.

3) Having to drop into a run and the moment at the top when my legs freeze a little and then my skis glide off the edge and the rest of me follows and for a few seconds there is nothing between me and the snow but air.

4) Warrior 2. I have been told repeatedly that it is obvious to people this is my favourite posture.

5) New socks. I am not really certain this should count as a top 25 most inspirational facet of my life but there is nothing like putting on a new pair for the first time. My brother and I, having never spoken of our mutual love both answered the question: What would you buy if you won the lottery? with- New socks of course.

6) Doug Coombs, Shane McConkey, CR Johnson. Men who revolutionized our sport. Made skiing cool (no pun intended), made progression real, worshipped in the church of the mountains. They make all who live to ski another season proud to enjoy snow under base, to challenge ourselves, to push our sport and to love every second out there... and then to have a beer or two in the lodge to reminisce on where we came from.

7) Music. It is hard to describe distinctly what music I like but I do know it is the type that stirs something inside you. You can feel it in your chest, reverberating around in there. It is like this and like this, this or even like this. (Yes... it has become obvious that I am a hopeless romantic.)

8) Lawren Harris. Western Canadian art allows me to see my surroundings in a way that brings back the mystery to our modern world. To Mr. Harris and the other members of the group of 7 I am truly grateful and ever inspired.

9) Making out to Bob Dylan. This should likely have been number 1. I am not sure if this is truly inspirational or simply one of my favourite, and least often indulged in, activities but it sure makes me feel like I belonged in an earlier, politically driven... let's be honest here, hippy time. Plus making out is always inspirational... right?

10) Two Words. Eoin Finn. There is a good chance if he wasn't in my life this blog, my photos, my epic-ly toned triceps, none of it would exist. Yeah he's really brilliant, rocks yoga in blue jeans and has the sense of humour of an 8 year old boy crossed with a 16 year old boy with a pinch of 85 year old yogi guru thrown in but it is his unwavering passion for doing what he knows he is on this earth to do and to help people follow their own paths that makes him such an inspiration to me.

11) I think it is getting pretty evident at this point that I am infatuated with the mountains and the ocean. Being humbled my such power, grace, honesty and limb numbing beauty had brought me to tears and back again. My photos, paintings, every growing need to express myself comes from their power, ever etched into my skin so I carry their strength with me everywhere.

12) To me it is never enough to just take a picture, it is changing its subtleties to suit what I really saw that completes the process. It is my mediation, it is my quick creative fix. It is my love.

13) I am not inspired by running. That is to say I am inspired, though slightly cautious of those who run extreme distances for fun, though they would likely say the same about me and some of my pursuits. What does inspire me about this endeavour is the worthy time that I can spend in our city's version of nature and listening to good tunes. Our rivers, hills and parks allow me a chance to get back to my roots without hopping in a car. Thank goodness for running!

14) Flowing through a yoga practice at home, especially in the sun outside always brings me to a better place. I never get the opportunity to think about what I have to do later, (Do I have to go to the bank before I get an almond milk latte or should I go after?), what daily tasks could fill my hour and a half in a more 'productive' way, (Did I turn the dishwasher on? I wonder how many emails I will have when I get off this mat...). I just think to breathe, stay in the postures exactly the amount of time that feels right and then move on  to the next. Exhale.

15-25 tomorrow... and photos. This inspired girl has to hit the hay!

I know you've been waitin' you've been waitin' a long time for me...

... But if you wait a little longer this is how it'll be. Oh it's gonna be hot, like fire.

I am very fond of wave analogies. They represent the rhythm of a good vinyasa class, the way the seasons ebb and flow. The reside on the back of my neck, inked beneath the mountain peaks and they move my life. I can accurately describe where on the wave I am to people when they ask how i'm doing. Sometimes I am on the downward slope, cruising into darkness and despair, some times I am riding high - completely oblivious to the crashing white water around me. Sometimes, just when I am working my butt off to get out of the surf I am going up hill. My heart skips a beat.

There is something about everything in life laying out before you like a prairie highway under the cerulean sky that grabs you. Suddenly without ground or ceiling. Things are actively looking up. All the hard work of coming down the wave is paying off and yet, nothing, not a thing, is for certain and it adds a ballsy excitement to life. To be blatant, I am here and now. I am full of kinetic energy coming off a variety of life learnings, Work (yes with a capital W) is nearly (and I stress nearly) where I have wanted it to be for over a year. There is someone slowly becoming part of my life who lights me up in a more authentic way that i am accustomed to. I am getting strong. I am figuring my shit out. I have a deep gratitude for what has already been put into motion and yet there is my mother, standing just beyond the finish line of my Nancy Greene ski races saying... you haven't won quite yet. It is that wondrous last sprint and the time when the men are separated from the boys, sort to speak, that gets me up in the morning, puts a smile of my face, tells me 'get up from falling, one more time or a dozen if you have to'.

I am finally stepping in to it. What they've all been waiting for. What I knew would spark a fire deep down long ago.

And I plan to be forgotten when I'm gone...

I have come to understand one thing. It has taken me 25 years of a lot of failing and figuring out.  Like Bob Dylan says "All I can do is be me, whoever that is".  It is more liberating than feeling my skis leave earth dropping over a lip, more freeing than sailing a laser into the light, hiking way over the side. Now, I am not going to claim I had this all figured out for a long time but for the last week or two I have lived my life as who I am, no excuses. Do you know how liberating this is? It is UNBELIEVABLE. To be honest I think part of the fun is that it has a tendency of scaring the pants off everyone around me but it has suddenly taken all the stress out of life. This true authenticity really makes it easy to decide who will be part of my day to day existence and what I chose to do. If people don't like me or what I value and find beauty or meaning in than that is their choice and a disservice to both of us for me to fake otherwise. It leaves all parties disappointed. Being honest and open about my short comings has created the space for me to also celebrate my strengths and for others to share with me. I will not go back but simply use this discovery to grow more. Find more inspiration in the world. Sigh. I am in love with life.