When It Rains How It Pours.

I didn't practice my Blissology DVDs today. I stayed true to my commitment to yoga and mediation though. I went to a class taught by my very dear friend in and very hot room. It was mind clearing to be bending and flexing in that heat, feeling my muscles loosen under the humidity, under the warmth. I don't always practice hot yoga, sometimes because I don't like having sweaty hair for my later appointments and sometimes because I find the series intimidating,  a room full of fit sweaty people, a few or more with type-A personalities pushing harder and farther than my body really wants to go sometimes. Not tonight. Tonight was just what I needed.

Tonight I felt connected to the 5 elements that is the focus of our meditation. The water dripping off my body in the form of sweat and being replenished through my water-bottle, the firm earth beneath my feet and the rich American clay covering the walls. The fire in my core from vinyasas and intentional breathing, not to mention from the 40 degree heat on the outside of my body. The air and humidity I breathed in through out the practice clearly represented air to me. And then space. So much space. I felt very whole throughout the whole practice. It was just what I needed, a heightened awareness of my surroundings and my internal space. An hour and fifteen minutes of being pushed just hard enough for me to clear my head, even just for a while.

Tomorrow I am off to Vancouver! I am excited to practice near the ocean and to feel the water element even further.

Cool heads have failed now it's time to have my turn

A lesson on being.

I am a high achiever, wether the book 'Strengths Finder' says so or not. I like results, I like titles, I like measurable accomplishments. Often I get trapped in excuses and in mediocracy because I am so intensely afraid of failing, or worse, of quitting. Last week and the week prior I decided to do everything, all at once, that I thought might get me out of this place I feel stuck in. Yoga, Meditation, Running, Not Eating Anything Fun, Being the Best Assistant Manager in Existence.  It all fell apart this weekend in one foul swoop. I was exhausted, I was so consumed with being who I thought I should be and not with who I am and who I am becoming.

Today I came back to my mat. I practiced my Wednesday Blissology disc, threw in a few handstands on the end because I was feeling feisty and then did the manifestation meditation. Not surprisingly I feel a thousand time better than I did before. The manifestation aspect of the day was what really hit home. It really speaks to the idea of being perfect, whole and complete in the moment and using the power of positive thought to transform the choices and possibilities of the future. Instead of getting myself down for not being as thin or fit as I would like, for not always eating the healthiest, running the fastest, practicing the hardest postures I am filled with a peace knowing that today I am where I need to be. That I am grateful that I am healthy, that I have access to nutritious food, that I CAN run, that I am flexible, strong and open enough to practice the postures I can and do. And going forward... well I am focused on being happy for the little steps. They add up. Leaping ahead too quickly is where I miss the moments that matter, the brilliant Alberta sky, coffees with friends, hammock time.

Yes. Today was a lesson on being.

Hold on to that feeling.

TED talks... who knew

"What do I want to do everyday for the rest of my life? Do that!

Stop crying and just keep hustling. Hustling is the most important word in the world.

Legacy is greater than currency."

Check it out NOW.

A freight train running through the middle of my head only you can cool my desire

When something comes like lightning from a clear sky on a warm summers night, the rain just feels right. The flash summer prairie storms cleanse the earth from the dust and drought of the long hot days. The long dog days of hard work, sometimes monotony, occasional drudgery of a persistent going forward to no clear end are renewed by the clear warm drops that soak everything back to the inner good. It is these unexpected storms that sprout seeds, nurture trees, cool the calves in the field. Sometimes lightning from a clear sky on a warm summers night, the rain just feels right.

In a grand feat of synchronicity I was blessed enough to have the weekend I have had. It is the luck of making no plans and having every single piece of the puzzle drop into the right place. The cherry on top, has been this evening. Tonight celebrated the culmination of dreams and the dreamers who were bold enough, had faith in them selves and in the future enough to turn these into a vivd and simply stunning reality. It was not the easiest road. I can't imagine what feats of strength and luck played into the success but it was the singular key to knowing that this kind of life is a possibility. Following your bliss DOES result in living the life you thought you could only imagine. One of the dreamers said tonight, "What do you do now" someone had asked her "When you have achieved your life's dream at 27?" " I think I will just stay here and enjoy it for a while". (sorry for the slight paraphrasing... the proseco has made it a little blurry). The point is, by simply going after what she wanted she achieved her vision... at 27.

This is what I want. This is what I will do. To boot, another dear friend was there. She is the most amazing artist, who specializes in print making. She is the person I look up to. Her art is her rock. She knows that it will be extremely successful. She refuses to believe anything less. I will be there. At the end of the day I know what I want. I can see it so clearly it is like looking at the back of my hand in front of me, the scars and freckles burned into my memory. I will take pictures. I will teach. I will run successful businesses. I will meet someone who wants to come on this journey too and have a family full of dreamers and doers.

I am overwhelmed, sitting in my studio under the peaked ceilings of my little home. This is first time I have honoured myself and this space by using it for what it was created to be. My creative sanctuary. What ever fortuitous events brought me in to the moment tonight, surrounded by exceptional people, all willing to do what makes them happy, I am forever grateful.

That’s all my baby needs, to keep her home, keep her home and on time, And that’s All I Need.

There is a lot to be said for appreciating where you are. For contentment. Today I wasn't perfect. I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to at work, I ate coconut milk ice-cream for dinner when I knew I should have had veggies and lentil stew. I wasn't perfect. It also took me a while to get motivated to practice tonight. I got home late from work (which was actually great because I got to spend an extra hour with rad people). I was late from running errands, hastily ate then found myself on the couch with magazines stacked around me like the forts I used to make when I was little, cutting out clippings to create my vision boards. Finally I realized I needed to get up and go. Action needed to precede motivation tonight.

I came to my mat and as I began to flow through the sun salutations I was vividly aware that my upper back had mobility. I had let go of something. There was space. I was excited to jump back into chaturanga for the first time in a long time and as I expressed my gratitude for the ability to practice through my side angle posture Eoin spoke to this idea of contentment. I let out a sigh of relief. We don't practice yoga because it's easy. We don't practice because it's cool, or because it is the path of least resistance. I practice because it gives me all I need. I practice because it is the calm in the storm. I practice because it is my contentment. 

I know he'd be a poorer man if he never saw an eagle fly

To Love… For Saving Me.

Last night I spent the evening watching films exemplifying humans in love with their surroundings, with how far they could control their fear, with how far their love and desire would allow them to fly. Literally fly. One of the dedications, for a film about a young German man who walked across China, was simply “ to Love, for Saving Me’. This hit home hard, it put the whole night in context.

I couldn’t shake it this morning when I woke up and went to work, though my whole day, through my first yoga practice and until I found my self on my mat, at about 8:30 this evening. Unlike most days, I started my Blissology practice with a meditation instead of with my physical practice. Today’s mediation focused on manifesting what you desire in your life in balance with what will benefit our world. This aligned so closely with my previous evening at the Banff Mountain Film Fest that I was startled. As the meditation progressed love began to fill my heart like a bright gold light. What I wanted for myself, and those around me was simply, love, the feeling of a greater energy that drives us, for a deeper connection, for others to share our passions with. Next, the mediation moved on to what we would manifest for the world, for our greater global community. What arose was the hope, the promise, of spectacular natural wilderness for future generations. In my mind I was walking through tall evergreens under a brilliant sun, as I walked great gray mountains rose before me. So love and nature. Who knew?!

Alas, my asana practice wasn’t nearly as smooth sailing. It was a struggle for me to focus, to go through the flows, to twist and lengthen my side body. I was grateful to come to the end, to lay in savasana and let the whole day flow over me. As I lay there breathing, letting my low back sink into my mat, I thought of all the men in those climbing movies from the night before. Their climbs weren’t without tough goes, they had to modify plans to reach the goals, to keep following the paths they had laid out. Sometimes it is ok just to get through practice and find your self at the end, in peace.

All in all, a very successful Wednesday.

Wear a Life Jacket and Commit ...

... The first non-song lyric title.

I am not going to lie. I was tired when I came to my mat this evening. Not just a little tired but really really tired. All I could think of was that I was cold and stiff from my run, my ankle was sore from almost bailing 5 minutes into my run, and it had been a long long day. Now don't get me wrong. I am beginning to love my runs. My lungs feel open, I get to spend time in conversation I otherwise wouldn't get to spend. My runs are becoming easier (mildly) and more fun (exponentially). The only downside is that by the time I got home to practice I was not feeling bendy or focused.

I did the quickie tonight. 27 minutes of delicious run stiffness reversing goodness. Before even getting to the practice I watched the intro to my Monday flow. The health warning included the following words, "Wear a life jacket and commit." That's funny because it really seems to sum up how I am feeling these days. Do what you can to protect yourself then jump in the deep end, into the deep blue, maybe from a balinese yacht. To me this really means, hey, it's -25 before the windchill so you better bundle up as much as possible before you go run! To me this means modify all the postures you want but make sure you hit that mat and go through the postures that are so good for you. It comes back to something another one of my favourite yoga teachers spoke to last night in class. He was talking about simply exhaling. So many of us, so much of the time, leave little pockets of air in our lungs when we claim to let go of it all. He asked us to commit. To let it all out and be without air just for a few moments. This struck me as incredibly significant and it speaks so much to the commitment we make when we have integrity in our lives and very importantly in our practices. Let it go and just for a few moments create a great space to be filled by all the possibilities. This is what happens when we truly commit.

On this note, meandering as it is, another wise man once spoke to this phenomenon of space. One day, on our mats in Ukee, Eoin Finn told our small group about the idea of everything  moving from high pressure to low pressure. He spoke of air, of people, of so many things in life. This what truly came up for me today in my run, in my practice and in my meditation. I am learning to create those areas of low pressure so all that good can flood in! I am putting on tat life jacket and committing!

Cinnamon Hearts.

There is something to be said for the start of a new day. For me this morning it was coming to my mat to practice my breathing and meditation. I had never really committed to a meditation practice before though, once the commitment ball is rolling it is hard to stop it. For the past few days sitting, in relative stillness, has brought a sense of calm to my day. Even if it is only for ten minutes. Again, it is just this idea of showing up and letting the practice take you where you need it to.

Oddly or not, I have been thinking a lot about the salmon of the pacific lately. In some traditions the salmon represents inner wisdom, a deep seated knowledge of where they came from and where they are going. They just know, without the pressure of popular opinion (in the case of the salmon, the flow of the river) where they are going and they have the perseverance that if they just keep swimming in the right direction taking any bend in the river as an opportunity to learn, they will get where they need to go.

Taking this learning in life I am not surprised that I have finally found commitment in my life. Being committed to my meditation practice, my run training, yoga, and a cleaner way of eating has started to give me the space to take life's learnings as they come and to be like that salmon, heading to where I will be in the future. To the self that I know I will be.

Baby it's the same late morning, the same no show.

On my path to 2011 being THE YEAR I had what can only be described as the best morning ever. I learned what commitment truly is, delved deeper into what friendship truly is and had a transformative yoga practice... in Bali of all places!

It started with today being the 'cheat day' of my life via the 4 hour body. Last night I fell asleep thinking of all the delicious and total crap things I would eat today. Chips, ice cream and ALL the cheese I could get my hands on. The only thing is when your body acclimatizes to being fed organic veggies, lots of water and tea, some lean meat and legumes it isn't too stoked on the idea of flour and dairy. Eff. I started my day with a delicious breakfast of gluten-free, dairy free crepes with a little cheese and melted-from-frozen berries with a little agave nectar. They were delicious but after 1 I was toast, and not yummy carby toast but done with breakfast toast. Balls. Eating crap, or anything not incredibly healthy, was proving to be more challenging than I had thought. Later in the morning I tried again. Hoping that a 2% latte at my favourite coffee shop and a not-very-sweet muffin wouldn't be too hard on my tummy. Alas. Not even a chance. A last minute switch to a soy latte was my only saving grace. I ate about half the muffin and was down for the count. Curses amazing healthy body, thanks for your deep commitment to awesomeness. My sugar starved brain thanks you. Now why, you might ask, is this rad? Well, in a commitment to live the life I want, I am getting super healthy, super buff, super speedy at the whole running thing. At least I am showing up and getting into the space where this is at least possible. And my rad body that I am so grateful for is helping me in this commitment by not wanting crap. Body- I am really really grateful.

So I don't know about where you are sitting but Calgary is freaking cold right now. When I woke up, put on my layers and headed out the door it was -24 degrees and -32 with windchill. Pretty chilly. Now my heart of hearts wanted to stay in bed spooning my hot water bottle and stuffed pug dog, Bug, until noon but people who make 9am commitments on Saturday mornings don't have that choice. So I layered up for my first 'long run' in the coldest weather I had ever ran in... yes even colder than Wednesday. Now I am not saying I am at the point where I love running. To be honest if the friend I was meeting wasn't there I was tempted to peace out and head back to Bug and the water bottle BUT once I got out it gave me an hour of being outside with some one I love chatting to. At the end of an hour and about 8.5-9kms I had just ran for the longest (distance and time) I had ever ran without stopping. I felt (and still do) feel like a freaking rock star! It was completely inspiring and truly, each run gets a little bit easier. All it took was showing up.

So back track to the part where I tried to drink coffee and eat a muffin, or fast forward because this was a post run coffee muffin extravaganza with a truly dear friend. Now, she is one of very very few people who I would run for. Especially in this frigid weather but with her, integrity is the corner stone of our friendship. It is a completely mutual thing that if we share with the other that we will do something we WILL do it. Part of why I love her and our friendship is that she understands that if I say I can't do something she knows it is in no way a reflection on her and she respects that I am only going to commit to what I can follow through on. This is not the case in every area of my life and sometimes I slip in to guilt when someone pushes back on me to do something I know I will not be able to follow through on but know that they will see more into it that just an inability to have integrity to that commitment. Add  mutual integrity, respect and love to my required attributes for friendship.

When I got home, frozen solid, my choices on how to spend the rest of the day were many. I had a bath to try to get back to a reasonable body temp and then sat down on my mat for my daily commitment to Blissology. The thing about yoga is that it doesn't always give you what you want but it always gives you what you need. This morning the moving meditation was exactly it. It gave me the opportunity to not only stretch out my cold running muscles but also my cold heart. Each step of the practice allowed me to express gratitude and kindness to those in my life, my self, my spiritual leader, my friends and family, those neutral people, some one who I felt in confrontation with and the whole world. The practice ended and I felt lighter, more supple, and maybe most importantly, my heart felt light. The cherry on top was that the practice ended with a puppy coming into the shot and loving Insyia and Eoin. I love puppies.

Now onwards. The rest of the day to be spent with friends and in the never ending quest to create space (today physical and non-physical) in my life.

Love.

I Said Throw Me In The Fire, Now Come On

Today I tried to control less.

This, seemingly easy action, was indeed challenging and, not surprisingly, more rewarding that I could have expected. I slept in. This is a rare occurrence in my life as most mornings for me start before 5:30am and this one, I must say was supposed to at 8, started a little after 10.  I spent the early part of my day setting my PVR (as I live alone and it is both my background noise and house mate), eating my lentil curry breakfast and chatting with my mum. The part of my day that I was really excited about started at noon. I was off to get my hair cut. Now this may seem like a simple and rather mundane task to some my stylist is truly an inspiring and amazing woman.  This was when my day started to really take shape.

While discussing what we were going to do 'when we grow up' she began do describe her vision for what she would do. Now once in a while you meet someone who is truly put on this earth to make others live their lives more deeply. My dear stylist is one of those people. There was an instant connection between us and as we bonded over our yoga practice we grew to be fast friends, even though we only saw each other once every few months. Anyway, what she wants to do when she 'grows up' is to create a space for teens in trouble to go where they are not intimidated by the space but  in fact where they can feel like they are going home, getting a holistic approach to wellness. The way she so passionately spoke to her vision brought me almost to tears. In those moments I could easily see, she was on this earth to give others a chance to learn and get better. Leaving her chair I was uplifted, ready to take on more than I had planned to for my day but leaving exactly what that might be to chance.

Next on my list was a trip to the bank. I asked the open teller if she could deposit a GST cheque, thanks Government of Canada, into my sad little account. The teller noticed where I worked and was excited because she had a received a gift from my store celebrating a weight loss. As I asked her more about how she spoke to the walking she did, which was all she could do because of a physical disability, and how she had changed her life style. As I listened to her I was profoundly grateful that my day had included her. I walked away elated, inspired, and grateful for the activities that I could perform.

Further my day brought a dear friend back into my life in a big way. It's not often that I get a chance to hang out with someone who is in such a similar place in life and shares so many key interests. When I got home I came to my mat, who I had abandoned for far to long, I practiced following one of my favourite yogis through postures that were, indeed, exactly what my body was looking for, ending with a meditation that touched base back to appreciating my body for what it could do for me.

All in all for a day that shouldn't have been completely exciting I truly had an inspiring and delightful day. Love. Love.

Laugh until we think we'll die, Barefoot on a summer night. Never could be sweeter than with you.

All day I wondered, what am I going to write about? What is worth being in front of the few, dedicated people who read this?

It hit me as I was watching TV, as odd as that seems. 

I am figuring out what I want. Like big picture. 

Cereal. On the couch. With someone I love.

It may sound crazy but the simple act of just being with someone, totally yourself (as expressed through eating breakfast foods for dinner), that, yes that, is the big picture to me.  The great thing is that I am no where near this. Well, except for currently being on the couch (today is a no grains day so I am NOT eating cereal as much as I would love to be). This is something worth being grateful for because it is all this alone time, this time reflecting and just being that is going to set me up for being with my cereal, couch partner. Short story short. This is it.

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father, run for your children and your sisters and brothers

2011. This is the year where I will try anything. Live any possible life that I have contemplated. For me it is about just showing up and letting that take me forward.

It kind of started small. Just setting the goals, no matter how impossible they seemed. Now it's snowballing. I have claimed for ever that  I am not a runner. My regional manager came up with the idea that perhaps we should all run a half marathon together. That almost literally scared the pants right off me so of course, being 2011 and all I decided that the only logical thing to do was jump on that band wagon.

now, if this whole blog entry only makes minimal sense I apologize. I have put my poor little body through more today than I have in a while and it is taking revenge on my easily distracted brain.

So anyway. Tonight was my first run with the run clinic I joined. now as pathetic as it sounds I was so incredibly intimidated to even sign up that getting to the actual running part is a bit of a miracle. The way I think about it, and all my goals right now, is if I set them and show up, well that's half the battle. Hell that's almost the whole darn thing! Like John Wayne once said "Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyways".  And these things don't even scare me to death! How lucky am I? Thanks to John Wayne tonight I was the slowest in the group. I got lost. Was late coming back. And I had one hell of a great time. I think running might be the only activity that actually produces enough heat in a person to make the kinds of temperatures we braved tonight bearable. Well I might be able to thing of another but no one likes frostbite on those parts.

Long store short. This run was the first step of many for me this year to becoming the person I need to be. I demand greatness of my self. I will show up and let life take on the rest. Run Fast.

Friend Like You.

"Friendship is an involuntary reflex, it just happens, you can't help it."

(yes, I DO watch too much How I Met Your Mother)

I spent the last couple days really digging into what friendship means to me. My dearest friend and I headed off to the mountains this weekend and it got me thinking. We never seem to be sick of each other, even though we are both incredibly busy we always seem to find a time during the week when neither of us is swamped with work, school, life.

What came up during my skiing/thinking time was this: She always gives me feedback. She is the one person who can truly see what's holding me back and she always lets me know. How she does it is a bit like a down jacket. It is serious if you need the fluffy warmth, I don't just wear down lightly (no pun intended), BUT if things are that serious you know that the down loves you and WILL keep you warm enough to survive a Canadian winter. Basically it always comes from the deepest place of love.

She also saved my life. Repeatedly. Once it took finding mashed potatoes in Chang Mai. Today it looked more like allowing me to go into the lodge every time my face and hands got cold and then when they got really bad, she let me cry in the front seat until my feet thawed.

The really big key to me is that she always lets me be exactly who I am being. That is the expectation. If I am sick, she pets my hair, watches movies with me, brings me soup. If things are going on in my life she is there to be my sounding board. If I am ecstatic, learning, starting something new, she is there to share in the emotions. She allows me to be the same for her.

This is what I need. This is what she needs. It doesn't come along very often but when it does it's involuntary, it just happens, you can't help it.

Love you sista friend.

The same thing I would want today I would want again tomorrow.

Well, I'm not going to lie.  My first day of this bright new year, this bright new decade started not unlike the last day of the last year, the last decade. I spent the vast majority of my day on the couch.

I hate to admit this but, it's the truth. I would love to have said I spent the day in the mountains, going for a run, practicing yoga, taking pictures. Making big steps. The nice thing is I spent it re-couping. I feel like this was the day I spent reading, focusing strictly on feeling better is going to set me up. Because, 2011, I have BIG plans for you.

One of my dear friends came to see me on my sick bed, eat my food, watch TV with my family. She also brought along a lovely christmas gift! Medicine Cards. An amazing book and cards that enlighten and inspire through animal totems. Now I haven't really played around with anything like this before. Nor am I sure you can actually play with these sorts of things. Needless to say I pulled the Elk card, just haphazardly. Reading from the accompanying book the elk symbolizes stamina. Now pulling this card, it read, could be telling me how I am holding up physically to stresses in my life. It comes up to tell me to pace myself so I can maintain an equilibrium of energy over the distance I plan to cover. Other key things it offers are to take vitamins and eat high-energy foods and to take some personal quiet time for replenishment. Funny enough, this is just what I have been focusing on.

Isn't it fun when you get the same message from a million different sources?! I can tell you it is even better when one of those sources is a card with a picture of an elk on it.