spring.

I can see my city transforming as if before my very eyes. The buds are coming out, trees beginning to blossom. It is happening even before it's begun. That is like the new beginnings in my life. Sometimes when we see a little further out than what is right in front of us we can glimpse them on the horizon. The changes we dug our heels in against, like stubborn children at a toy store being dragged away from some brilliant display. Digging in against change, against the unknown. Suddenly. When we are forced to take count of what is truly going to happen we are given a chance to see what it may bring us. I have compassion for myself knowing that come summer everything could change again. My roommate may move on, to great things, to be a maker of change. Others will transition from places of proximity to dear pen pals, friends flung far and wide. This is not new to me. I am not is shock. My life is built on distance and often on longing. Like planets at a distant orbit, always kept at arms length but with an undeniable attraction. Or like the whales returning summer after summer, taking stock of what has changed, who made it through, who didn't. Creating newness. Cycling through again. Lucky for me i see what this change will bring. I see a home to myself with walls covered in art and space for handstand practice and down dogs. I see adventures across seas and to places that I will always call home. I feel opportunity flooding in through my finger tips. Ready to be put to use. I have given up on trying to control it all. I was born for leaving and as like attracts like, those who I love are the same way. Family and friends. No one I care about, like really truly love, stays in one place for very long. We can't. Restless young souls, we can't sit still.

So spring. I know you are on the horizon. I can see you glow, just there, out of reach. Hurry home. Light up my sky.

Lay it down and start up

Having a BATNA is key to negotiations, so I learned in class last week. I also feel this is key to life. When I have a ‘Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement’ there is a sense of calm that comes over me. I know what can happen if this all doesn’t work out the way I expected it to. I know what my alternatives are. This has given me some sense of stability today. I feel, as per usual at the end of a ‘semester’ that my world is hectically spinning around me and that if I don’t get everything under control, make it perfect, my tiny world may just cease to exist. On my way to my car an hour ago, running in frye boots in the rain, I stopped. My hair getting soaked through, my jeans already sticking to my legs. I was frozen. What if all the things I was so worried about didn’t work out? What if projects lay incomplete or complete but imperfect? What if friendships and  everything in my social life didn’t pan out the way I sometimes cling to? What then? The list rolled on through my head and suddenly I felt no need to rush. Just to wait. There is no point in worrying. Simply I must make a decision and stick to my guns. The worst that can happen isn’t that bad. My alternate options are actually looking pretty good. So why do I worry? Why do any of us stress about things we can only hope our best to even have a semblance of control over? I used to think it helped to try to cast my net wide and keep all I caught as close as possible. I used to think that trying to worry about the outcome while staying blind to other possibilities was the only way to get by. Now it is so clear. It is all the other opportunities that I saw as plan b. It is hard not to get attached. I still do. All the time. It is hard not to cling to what I think I want but sometimes, just sometimes, when it doesn’t all work out as planned, that is when the best things happen. That is when we get what we need.

You get mistaken for strangers by your own friends

It's been 10 days.

It's 11:30 at night.

Sometimes I don't truly know what causes the lag between writing here when there are times where it flows effortlessly day to day. Lately I have been writing for other reasons. This in combination with a 'flu' that just won't go away has lead me away from writing here.

Lots has been going on though. I have felt a little overwhelmed with what I have taken on in my life, a sure sign that I needed a challenge. I have found my self out of balance as a result and am now patiently (ok I am never really patient) tipping the scales to a more even space. To be fair though I have been reading more than usual and that has lit me up! I am not sure where or why it comes to me, it just does.

Along those and other scattered brain waves, I had a moment today. A profoundly lonely snippet of time that was altogether nostalgic and beautiful in it's sudden, unquestionable, perhaps unfounded sadness. I was driving home across the bridge. Winter being in full swing here in Vancouver I compensated by turning the heat way up. Though not sock foot, nor driving stick on the highway, I was transported back in time to when I was 17. I will never forget that feeling of being utterly alone and simultaneously comfortable in my own skin. It happens so rarely I thought I might not recognize it. This time was no different. Sitting waiting for a light to change I was in my own world of warmth and music and peace as the chaos of Vancouverites driving in snow/rain waged outside. It brought a tear to my eye to think about how everything can change, place, time, a decade of experience and yet all at once nothing has happened. I was still that little girl in her untucked uniform driving home, back to the city.

My life currently feels a little untucked. It is my nature to revert to doing what must be done to get by when I feel overwhelmed. My relationships suffer at the force of trying to do everything and be exceptional at it. Another four months has past or is fast approaching and I feel my bones tugging at sinew. Pressing for change. Eager to move forward. I must fight it, or learn from it. I am not sure it will ever get easier, this migratory pull away from what is safe and comfortable into the unknown. I attribute it to the ever opposing lust for adventure and growth and the need to cling to what is dear. Always the fear I could lose it all if I stretch too far away. Who knows. It is almost spring and the prairie soul in me may just be gearing up for fertile soils and cerulean skies.

Biting off more.

With that persistently cocky attitude I try not to shake I ambitiously started this mini-semester with the now foolish idea that it was going to be easy, I would be made of free time, I would ski every weekend. Alas, with that over confidence comes the easy wave of reality washing over me as I sit here at 11:30 at night. There is a chance I have bitten off more than I can chew and there are two options that stem from this. 1) get overwhelmed, freakout and do a half-assed job of all my commitments or 2) dust off my time management skills and diligence from The Core and put it into action. I will pick option 2 I think, though that comes at the end of a day of yoga and organization. Yesterday I would not have comfortably said I could commit to that.

So why is my life so busy you ask. Am I overloading courses? nope. Have I started a business on the side? Not that I know of. Have I actually gone through with a puppy-napping and now have the equivalent of a small child? I wish I had a puppy but sadly wrong again. With the luxury of a weekend course I suddenly felt free! With fridays off and clear mondays and Wednesdays I was over ambitious and let the part of my brain that says "yes" take over. So what am I up to? I am taking 4 incredibly interesting courses and I feel all are directly related to my passions and strengths which can be rare in this program... usually on the strengths side of things. With HR, Creativity, and Law I am able to do things I love everyday. This got the ball rolling and made me want to do more things I love. So I took on the opportunity to work with a good friend, helping him out with his charity. Then I took on some writing and photography gigs. Now working on an incredibly cool project at school. Life is good but like anything that is exciting I let it spiral a bit out of control. I am pulling in the reins.

It is funny because it all comes back to my class in creativity. Can I just say how unexpectedly terrific it is that I have a creativity class in my MBA! Anyway, we are required to keep a journal through out the 6 weeks of the course and so the potential processes and definitions of creativity are constantly rolling around in my skull. Whether in yoga class, driving, doing other course work, or watching TV I am dissecting and re-defining what creativity means to me. Trying to put my finger on it. This showed up in my photography and conversations when I was lucky enough to be part of an event welcoming in potential and future MBA candidates. It's funny how a simply awareness can lead to so many little shifts.

Anyway, with that all said and done, I need to get back to work. Hope that things are wonderful, busy and a little overwhelmingly inspiring in your lives!