Like Me.

Sometimes I wonder who else is like me. Who else keeps extensive lists of the mundane and the far flung. Who else aches in their bones knowing there is more to life than ladder climbing and line towing.  Are there others who sit for hours, body functioning at a task, and mind 1000 miles away, a decade beyond. An image piercing their mind of what life will be, will look, will sound, will feel like. An image that is not that which is right in front of them.

I have learned the hard way what I want by learning first what I do not want. I have learned how I live and work best but gaining a clear understanding what prevents me from doing so. Somethings have come more easily and quickly than others. Often I feel like a sculptor, slowly chipping away that which does not serve my greater purpose, each stroke of my chisel getting me closer to the reality I want. There are many imperfections I am more than willing to compromise on, many I am willing to embrace, but there is a sick feeling in my gut that tells me what is a deal breaker. The feeling that no matter how hard to shake sticks to me like burrs in a mat. I will put up with an extensive amount of discomfort, that is what I was trained for. There are deal breakers though. Things I will not bat an eyelash before walking away from. I wonder else who has these lines that once crossed, can never be returned.

The bucket list. Part 1.

My official bucket list is 2 items long. There are a lot of things I want to see and do but these two make the list year after year, the two things I would hate to leave this world without experiencing. They are the things that when I imagine them I get chills and my bones and sinews and heart know what it would feel like. Diverse in their magnitude and in their rarity I am not sure why they  are the only two things I just can't seem to let go of.

Another year has passed and in my extreme youth of 27 I am shocked at what I have already experienced. This year has been more full than most and since I am finally pursuing what I want, what I am meant to do, this year has been more full with the gifts that come when you are on this path. My 26th birthday was one of mixed emotion. I had a year of uncertainty ahead of me, not knowing what Vancouver or school or life would bring. At Stampede I celebrated the unknown by kissing boys and drinking beer and watching horses pull chucks around and around. I cried, a lot, and laughed with beautiful friends. Later in the fall I went back to school with stability of place, piece of mind to stay single, a dedication to learning as much as possible and a fear of someone figuring it out that I wasn't everything my slim resume and mediocre GMAT scores let on. And then everything changed. A year later I have a full and stable heart, no fear of people figuring out "the truth. I have realized that I can be great and not have the strict controls I placed on myself to try to ensure I "stayed out of trouble". Getting into trouble was the best thing I did in my 26th year. Taking risks and letting things work themselves out made the last 12 months remarkable. All I can see is adventure ahead. Instead of praying for the stability of externalities I know that everything around me can shift and I will stay as steady as necessary. I have also reflected that I know where home is but I don't need to be there. I will ever be a girl of prairie skies and rocky peaks and that is where my heart resides but after a long year I know I can live anywhere. I will live anywhere. My roots are deep, they will not be easily pulled up.

So what now. After turning 27 by the lake. What will pull me onto what's next?

I will kiss the Stanley Cup.

I will experience Alaska.

Maybe I will add a few more to the bucket list.

Somethings

Somethings just don't work no matter how much we want them to. We can try everything, draining all the energy we have and yet nothing goes according to plan. Then there are the things that happen agianst all control. We try to fight them sometimes because these things, the right path, are a strong pull and that can scare the crap out of people. These are the things that are meant to happen, the people you are meant to be with, the places you are supposed to live, the challenges you are meant to overcome. That which keeps pulling you by heart strings and deep unwavering faith, that is living your life's true path, those are the things that matter more than your brain will let you believe.