Find the Weakest Thing in you and Beat the Bastards with it

There is always a pull. My life is one dreamed in extremes and lived somewhere in the middle. Nothing is half way when played out in my head. I either live east or west, big or not at all, as a lone wolf or deeply entrenched in a pack. Constant flux, 4 cities in 4 years, 2 jobs in 8 months. Just numbers upon numbers lighting the truth that I crave both constant, extreme change and deeply rooted stability all at once, hopping that, like the ebb and flow of the waves of the pacific, it will calm my soul and excite me.

Frantic Stillness

I'll take any little piece of nature I can get my hands on these days. Even if this means my balcony over looking the freeway, neighbours mere feet away, the sound of the GO train screeching into the station audible over the hum of the traffic. Sitting out here, or on the roof of a heritage building downtown, reminds me of home in some way and it humbles me to remember a place deep and far away of driving through the rockies, our Volvo station wagon a spec on the valley floor.

I cling to the idea of the future, as I am prone to do and have so much practice in. "In 10 years" I tell myself and those around me, "I will look back on all of this and chuckle to myself, how I was just on the cusp of figuring it all out, having all the pieces start to fall into place". I am not there yet, I am reminded with the incessance of a jack hammer.

I have read, on more than one occasion, that life often comes all at once or makes us wait while nothing seems to be happening and both are challenges. These days I feel I am in the middle of both at once. While everything has changed dramatically in the past six months nothing is quite where I wish it would be, wishful thinking that it would be perhaps. While rapid and immense change is both hectic and unnerving it is the stillness after that makes me anxious. Trying to catch up to the next big thing.

So this is where I stand. Neither here nor there, stretched thin across the country as I used to be. Trapped in a moment between what was and what I see so clearly to be just around the corner. There will be a lesson in all this. I can taste it in the air, turing prematurely to fall, our summer front heavy and drifting into a comfortable coolness. 

Independence in my Veins

It's different out here. I guess it's different everywhere. Red necks, ignorant, spoiled. Those who think only of the oil and forget the impact that being the centre of energy in Canada has on the environment. Trucks. Country music. Stampede. Alberta gets a bad rap from the very west and from the east (or as they like to be called... central Canada... or centre of the universe), but that's ok with me. You only really get it I think, if you are an Albertan. By choice or by birth.

This post will be no rant on the places that don't get it. They likely never will, just as I will probably never truly understand why people love Vancouver the way the do or why many come to Toronto and never leave, it is a choice I don't think we even make consciously. It is in our bones and our hearts. No, this post is a love letter to my home. My people.

Having lived all over I have always been proud to be an Albertan. The cerulean vastness of sky is imprinted in my brain, the sound of thunder rolling across the prairies, the smell just before it's going to rain, the alpine glow that is incomparable. The nuances are what tie the people together. The black soil is under our skin, big skies are deep in our lungs and where prairie meets Rockies is where are hearts reside. And the people are different. Ranchers and explorers are our heritage. The weight in our bones as we drive down highway 1, or 3, or 22X remind us of where we come from. The land. The sky. The West.

So in light of the immense challenge that my home, that my people, have faced recently, and continue to face, I have never been so proud to know that this is where I come from. While outsiders look on with pity and uncertainty about how fast this little city can recover, Albertans have an unwavering faith, no it's more than that, it is a deep understanding that life is not always easy, but that we are made of the stuff that is so strong, works hard and has always had a keen sense of community. Summer drought ruins crops, cold snaps kill herds, mountains avalanche, rivers flood; this is life out west but Albertans have worked hard since the very beginning to make a place and name for themselves from nothing. There is something different in the hearts of people there.

So I am proud to be from the place where the brave rescue the helpless. Where strong hands instinctively know how to fix and save, to bring life in the face of hardship. Especially in light of the mayor of my current city I can't explain how grateful I am that Calgary has Nenshi. I have never forgotten the day I voted for him in the gym of my elementary school, and I likely never will. He gives me faith that not all politicians are untrustworthy. He helps me believe that true leadership still shines through the bodies of men in positions like his. He is a beacon to the rest of the country of what the true spirit of Alberta is.

So while my old neighbourhoods are slowly drying out, the true extent of the damage being revealed, I am updated by friends that people are just as people always are in Calgary, open doors, open hearts, ready to roll up their sleeves at a moments notice. Even here, at work, there is worry that Calgary will not be ready for Stampede. I found it a strange remark as knowing Calgarians, if there is a minute possibility that it can happen they will find a way. "Come hell or high water" is the poignant message being shared across the city.

At the end of the day it is often in the greatest challenge that we discover who we truly are. Calgarians have always known. They have just accepted that who they were was nothing extraordinary, just hardworking with a sense of unity, rarely have they given a damn about what anyone else sees them as. This has all changed, I think and hope. More of the country is getting a glimpse of the Calgary I know. And love.

My heart and best wishes are with everyone of you, yes those of you who are not at home as well. Seeing my city in devastation has been tearing at my heart strings but experiencing the Alberta spirit reminds me why I hold my head high when asked where I'm from I say 'Calgary' every time.

To donate to the Canadian Red Cross relief efforts click here.

Built for this.

And sometimes just like that, like lightning out of a clear sky, it comes back like it never left. To call it homesickness would be a misrepresentation of the facts. It is the distance and longing. The tug of heartstrings West that I know all to well. I was brave and stupid all at once to think that years or circumstance would change it all. It's in my bones and I can feel the weight of them, heavy with memory and understanding.

I was built for the skies. The ones that leave alpine glow on the Rockies, the ones that turn cerulean to dove grey and bright coral. The ones that are so immense that they free even the heart most locked up. I was built for driving fast on stick straight highways and black soil, and calving in spring, harvest in fall. My heart and soul were made to flit up scree slopes and through lodgepole pines. The muscle memory as clear as yesterday. An unwavering independence, a western heart synonymous with freedom. And it aches for just that. For home. For community. To be filled with mountain air and the dust blown across the fields. For something missing. Something more. 

Fire Starter

There is a place of possibility that I only fall into on occasion. It feels like stress, exhaustion, the flu, and a lack of satisfaction of the status quo. It feels primal and empty. It is a place of vacuum waiting to be filled with the next step. It is a place of beginnings where there is no energy or necessity in holding on to what was... or even what its. As tough as this place can feel it usually marks the start of something beautiful. Times like these make it clear where I am going with my life and what I want out of it.

Walking to work the past few days I have been reminded of something my 13 year old self was told by a 16 year old friend. "Never go into battle without your weapon" she said, when I had forgot my riding crop while training a particularly troublesome pony one afternoon. Never go without the tools you need, if you can get your hands on them, into what you know will not be easy. While this, as of late, has been directly referring to the coffee I need to keep me on my game at the office, it transfers into all aspects of my life during this time of possibility. Taking the next step means brining forward what I know will make me successful, what I know will provide me with what I need to make it happen. Coincidently I was getting just that coffee this morning and my barista reminded me of something that resonated with me for the rest of the day that to some extent we are all responsible (or should be) for "creating opportunities for people to feel successful, happy and fulfilled". In the context of my work these days this, recruiting and basically people in general, is crucial, in the context of being a human and a future entrepreneur, this is what I need to remember every day.

Finally, part of the vacuum is being filled with a book I JUST started reading. The Fire Starter Sessions is amazing and truly what I need right now. Danielle Laporte is a genius and one of the most candid and funny writers I have read in a long time. I am just a few chapters in but I see this shaping how I think going forward. I guess all in all my body and life are reminding me that while this feels exhausting and hard right now it is the start of something great, and that's all that matters.

Much love.

Spring.

Stating that spring is a time for renewal is rather redundant in my mind. Yes we've all heard it before and it is evident as our grass turns from brown to green (those of us outside coastal BC anyway) and our trees begin to regain their foliage. Even with this widespread understanding of seasonal changes I would like to make note of it all the same.

I didn't get more than a block from my tiny basement nest this morning when I was struck with a smile, I love this city. I was saturated with the sun on my face, warming my cheeks and inciting the need to unzip my light jacket. Shop doors were invitingly open and people were walking their pups in abundance this morning. The grittiness of my neighbourhood seemed to glisten a little brighter under the blue sky. It may go without saying, vitamin D is good for our souls and for our communities. It seems to re-inspire optimism and smiling. This is reflected in my life right now for I, like so many of my classmates, am on the verge of starting a whole new part of my life.  A new job, hopefully soonish, a new roommate, and new friends. It makes me all the more excited for summer.

To The Hunt.

I shy away from using the word authenticity more than than I absolutely have to. Like any word that is heard too many times in a day it loses meaning or that meaning shifts to something other than what it was intended to be. I went through a period when the word authenticity was used as a battering ram for another agenda and so to me it can still seem abrasive and laking genuineness. All this being said at the heart of it, authenticity is being yourself, letting go of your ego and having the courage to be imperfect and vulnerable. I find that this gives me strength. Job hunting is the perfect test of checking my ego. I easily get caught up in trying to look or sound like the role spec, my brain fluctuates between overestimating my worth and underestimating my value, it has been a little hard on my little heart. The thing is one of my greatest strengths is fortitude. I tend to fight hardest, grow the most when I'm backed into a corner or the small stuff is just too much to sweat anymore and all that is left are the big things. Being challenged gets my blood racing and my mind excited. It strips away all the bullshit and all that is left is what happened, no ego, imperfect, vulnerable, and authentic.

So why this now? Well it's becoming a trend. The situations (read: interviews, meetings, presentations, life events) in which I have given myself no other option than to be myself, the version who is full of fortitude and not full of crap are the ones I have enjoyed the most and have given me the widest glimpses of who I am becoming. These are the moments where there are only two options, to fight, perform, and not be someone/something else or to fail.

This is all something I have to remind myself of these days. To let go of what I think others want and to just be who I am. I can't change what is in my past and I am proud of my accomplishments and skills. I may not be an excel or software wizard (YET!) and I can't alter the fact that I am only 27 but I can remember why I am here and that each interview, each resume, each meeting will not be the last and that if they don't think I am fit for a role or an organization then I am probably not and neither of us would be happy. I respect those doing the hiring enough to know that it is not personal. Well it kind of is but not in an offensive way. Long story short (sorry I had to give the long version first...) many of the people I love are going through some version of this right now and it sucks and it is hard but we all need to focus a little more on our greatness and seek out those opportunities that we may not be told are befitting of all our "MBA Glory" (this is not a real thing by the way, we just had more fun than everyone else for a year and a half). Hustle. Lose the ego. Pursue what you really want.

Back to the hunt.

Times they are a changing... but isn't that always the way?

Taking the streetcar home from a meeting downtown today I noticed something. Change was everywhere.

My end of Queen Street seems to be changing at an alarming rate, even since moving here only a month and a half ago. Little diners and tiny antique shops closing down, new galleries and restaurants opening. Like the changing tides or the migration of the geese across the prairies home from their southern winters. It is in the air. It is just another reflection of the seemingly relentless pace that change has struck in my life. And it fills me with freshness, with uncertainty, and with a rising hope that this will all manifest into something beautiful.

I feel change must be the underlying thread that has tied this blog together across three provinces, three years and countless experiences. While the homes and jobs and people have come and gone the only constant remains the change that is ever present in my, and all of our, lives. It was only a few short months ago that I felt at the top of my game, relevant, bursting with knowledge and expectations, ready to put it all to use and to make an impact. The past week or so I have felt that this is just isn't the case until I was reminded so very clearly that I was in just this place almost exactly two years ago, full of uncertainty that my life so far would entice the nice MBA admissions offices of western Canada to accept me into their programs, even more uncertain if I would survive the course work, schedule and perhaps worst of all... the dreaded business students. Turns out I could, and my fellow classmates were the best. Yeah it was tough, yeah I had to fake it, a lot, until I made it, but I did. Make it that is. And the same thing will happen this time.

So to add a little positivity in what seems to be a little grey post, this morning I figured it out. The process is 2 fold.

1) Give yourself permissions to fail. My favourite storyteller Brené Brown had a nice little blog post about this today and it inspired me in my meeting to let myself get excited, to let myself be nervous, to let myself connect and to let myself get things wrong, or to just not know. By allowing myself the right to not be perfect I created the space to just show up and be me. While this is DEFINITLY not perfect it is a whole lot better than the sweaty nervous mess that may otherwise show up and for some reason this process just allowed me to let go of my exceptions. In this world of rapid transformation stressing about expectations seems a bit like a waste of time.

2) Honey Badger Up. Also called Cowboying Up, Cowgirling up or what ever your older sibling told you to do when you being a baby about something. Sometimes you just need to know yourself, why you are great and let the other 'imperfections' go. The honey badger doesn't care and I realized neither should I. So far in this crazy job hunting process the only interview I have been asked to was at the company for which I included the line "please feel free to contact me if you have any questions regarding my resume, cover letter or my thoughts on any of life's great mysteries" in my application, in other words, showed a little of who I really am. Similarly I had a meeting last week for which I was extremely nervous and I did not play up my strengths but simply allowed the person on the other end of the phone to drive home how my areas of opportunity, very developable I might add, were going to keep me out of working in my chosen field in her industry. Today was night and day. Same industry, different organization, a little honey badger and a totally different result. Connecting is what I am great at, why should I not embrace that? Why should I not let people know.

So how does this all tie together as Toronto transitions from winter to spring? Authenticity is essential to our survival. It is by being who we are and embracing our pasts and the visions we hold for the future that will lead us where we are truly meant to go. The life I lead today is in not one single way the way I expected it to turn out. Had you asked me at 25 what 27 year old Julia would be doing it would involve the other side of the country, probably selling stretchy pants and people development (an admirable job by the way), and 6 years of work experience with the same company. What it looks like now? Long hours at coffee shops. An MBA. Amazing friends literally all over the world. It looks like Queen West and streetcars. It looks like being with someone amazing... who can't ski.  Like the shop owners past and present there is a time for everything and nothing is as permanent and in this world of inevitable change what will define us is how we embrace it.

A little grace.

Between the perspective that a new city, new friends, and new family provides I am a little overwhelmed with the hyper saturation going on in my life. It is the presence that seeing almost everything for the first time provides and is something that I have long needed in my life. Also it is humbling. I am not one for homesickness or someone who balks at being in new spaces, or just a face in the crowd but this is different. This is a big city. My parents are a two day trip away and my friends, nearly a thousand dollar flight. This isolation, this break from my life of less than a month ago, is both liberating and a little disconcerting but living alone, for the most part, and in a new community has given me back more than it has taken away. I am gaining a little compassion that I feel I may have left on the prairies when I moved West all those months ago.

It pains me to say that I have been a little jealous over the past few years of those who are following paths that make use of all their wonderful gifts, gifts that I feel I posses but have put on the back burner. I have been reading Brené Brown's most recent book, in pieces and snippets i might add, but I recently realized that these feelings I've had come from vulnerability and in my case being at odds with it. It takes immense grace to pursue what you love, especially when the financial rewards may be less, considerably so in some cases, and you may fear what others might say about you, about your job and the validity of it as a life long career.  It takes balls to go out on your own, to hustle, and to pick yourself up after you fail in pursuit of something bigger than yourself. So now, when I feel any resentment or judgement rising up in me I am committed to reaching out and supporting others. In part because they truly deserve it, in part because it is the right thing to do, and a little bit because right now, I desperately need that support too. Unemployment isn't as flattering as one may hope. 

Big City. Big Love.

Sigh, I have a new love in my life. Like any budding romance it is full of long walks and sweet dates. Everything has a glow about it. Things that were once mundane and ordinary have a brilliance about them. The everyday is filled with beauty.

Moving somewhere that I had once only responded to with 'NEVER' seemed like a surprise to many in my life. Prairie Girl, Mountain Girl, Ocean Girl...in the big city? It seemed impossible if not something out of myth. Who would have ever guessed? Like much in my life in the past 2 years it came from an openness, a giving up of what I thought my life would be like and a pursuit of all that 'feels right'. This has made all the difference.

So Toronto. I am sorry that I am not sorry to say it fills my heart. The light pulls at me like it did on a sunny winter prairie afternoon. The people are friendlier, more open, more polite, and generally easier to be around than their best-coast counterparts. The snowy roads and tiny cafes fill the places where community had been missing for the past 2 years. Even my body is physically reacting to the better fit. Maybe it's the kilometres I've been walking in double digits, maybe the vitamin D I'm getting from someplace other than a capsule, maybe it's having the energy to put love into what I cook, and it probably has to do with living closer to the person who makes it easy to be happy.

I also feel inspired and motivated for the first time in what feels like forever, the numbness melting away, out of my damp bones, healed by the sun and vibrancy of the city. I want to take pictures, I want to write, I want to pursue what I have been putting off.

All this is not to say I will ever forget where I am from. I will never. I am a creature put together with shale and black, rich soil, with ocean smoothed stone and salt spray. I am of the west and will always have a soul that is pulled with the pacific tides, that aches when the avalanches tumble down the Rockies, that knows the sweet smell of a chinook wind across wheat fields. It is history of this place and the communities and the way I just seem to fit here that will keep me rooted east for a while. Maybe it's the contrast that sharpens my love for this place.

So to new beginnings, to new loves.

Every Time.

At first I blamed this insomnia on everything I could. Backlit screens before bed, my wayward cup of tea too late after dinner, jobs I didn't yet have, things I couldn't control. I have spent twilight hours becoming better friends with melatonin or simply lying awake in the dark willing myself to slip in to slumber. No dreams tonight please. Tonight I did what I used to do, reached for a book. The book I reach for every time. It finds me when I need it and with certainty it always finds me this time of year.

It's not just the insomnia that has been off putting as of late but the sense of numbness as well. 2 years ago I was in the same predicament, between job and school (though this time it is the other way around) and waiting to move cities, change lives, start again, start fresh. Then why, I asked myself, was last time so different. Why was I enthralled with my camera last time, why could I not quench my insatiable desire to write? Why do I seem so uninspired and frankly listless compared to who I know myself to be? The motivation and energy just aren't there and I couldn't place my finger on it until now.

Every year I convince myself it's better, and to be honest it is, but every year I think I just wont feel it the way I always do. Picking up Anne Michaels' Fugitive Pieces  tonight provided me with what it always does, just what I need. I read the notes I had made to myself. Every year, sometime around this time, I pick it up, read through the dog eared pages and remember. It will be 10 years ago this February and it pains me somewhat to admit that that is still the defining moment of my life. As much as my brain  goes on much as it always does my body remembers, the imprint of distance and longing. It's something I think many of us still carry whether we want to or not. Drastic change, the kind that shifts our world view forever, for better or worse or both, is something that we carry with us. It weighs in my bones and in my heart.

I can't remember who I was before then. It's as if it were someone else entirely who lived my life for me until I was 17. It has taken the better part of 10 years for me to understand what trust means to me and to let someone in. I have moments where the anxiety and irrationality of it all takes over and yes, I wonder of it is worth the potential loss. I only have one choice with my answer and that is yes, it is, every time.