Believe in yourself and in the future.

I understand what you might be thinking right now. ‘Wow, how cliché is it that here, on this blog, is a stereotypical year in review post. Couldn’t she think outside the box a little? Come on now’. Well I take this cliché and raise you predictability, nostalgia, and a few back in the days.

I am not going to lie, I had this whole thing mapped out in my mind. I was going to put down all the ways in which 2010 was the last thing from being the best year of my life. The more I wrote about how this year sucked the more I thought about how much I actually learned this year, how the epic times balanced out the low points, how much I took myself on this year and developed as a person. Yeah, there were tough, heartbreaking, moments in 2010 but there were enormous highs too. And beyond that, 2010 has set me up very well, I believe, for 2011.

What I learned this year:

1)    Running, not drinking and eating, is the key to getting over a breakup. (Note to future Julia: PLEASE remember this.)

2)    Taking responsibility for your life and what happens in your life is the key to getting what you want.

3)    Following your bliss is the path of least resistance. If it is meant to happen it is easy. Or at least not always excruciatingly hard.

4)    Taking risks and being vulnerable makes big things happen.

5)    All the conversations I am or was afraid of having are easier, go better, and result in more than I could ever imagine.

What I loved this year:

1)    My yoga teacher training. The place, Ucluelet BC. The people. Knowing that I can actually do anything if I have the support and don’t let myself quit.

2)    Learning that my true passions lie in photography, writing and teaching.

3)    My job. Yeah it’s been a struggle. A really freaking hard struggle but I get to do what I love every day. I get to coach and develop people to be greater AND I get to run my own business.

4)    My friends. The ones who took me out when I needed some fun, who sat at home with me on a Saturday night and got take out when we needed that. The ones that make everything we do way more fun. These are my people. I effing love them.

5)    The risks I took. None of them were huge but doing the scary things IS really more fun.

2011. Here I come:

1)    I will grow my business: photography, yoga, writing, coaching.

2)    I will be in the best shape of my life.

3)    I will have balance, I will love every second of my life.

4)    I will have adventure, take risks, reap the rewards.

5)    I will learn. As much as I can.

6)    I will Love.

So that’s it. That’s all folks for 2010. We’ll see about tomorrow.

From weheartit.com

Lovestain on my heart.

Soooo I have a cold. I am a huge baby about being sick. For the first time in a long time though, I didn't feel completely sorry for myself. I didn't just eat all the ice cream and popsicles and gluten I wanted 'just because i'm sick'.  I have big plans for 2011. Big Hairy Audacious Goals and none of them include not being able to do and wear exactly what I want. So I resisted. I am shocked at the will power I am gaining back. I blame it on the balance. I blame it on my friends.

I couldn't be more grateful that my life is full of people who both constantly push me and then who are simultaneously there to catch me on the other side. They have my back. I was meant to be at the airport right now picking one such friend up. ( no I am not a completely horrible person... wait for the rest of the story.) Her roommate and I had been discussing on the best way to get her from point a (Powder king originally, but the airport here in town specifically) to point b) her home on the other side of town. The executive decision was that I was going to retrieve her and following would be celebratory drinks! I was counting down the minutes until I was to leave, looking rather pathetic but feeling up for the task of a late night drive when low and behold her roommate called. Now this saint of a man, wether he knows it or not, has both our backs. He is off to pick her up as we speak and I am... as soon as the caffeine I ingested to stay awake enough to drive wears off, am off to a much needed rest.

The thing that amazes me is that I am SO incredibly lucky to be surrounded by the unique, inspiring and caring people that I am. That is what has pushed me to be who I am. That is why I get to have so much fun in my life. Love you all.

With so many people to love in my life...

I am between that place of sheer exhaustion and full alertness.  I often get home late after closing the store, only to have to wake up for my next shift in just a few hours and find a million things going through my head.

I have been given the feedback that I am over responsible, no head hunters don't line up to recruit me just yet. This isn't just some great way to get a super productive employee but tends to actually be a hindrance to me. Tonight we had some goals I was just not able to let go of at the end of the night. I know that I must be fully accountable for my actions and must hold others accountable to theirs but I just couldn't hold all the pieces together. It's a different game I am playing but I am still trying to do it by old rules. This just isn't working.

what else is going on in my pretty head you might ask? Well I am on edge about my relationships right now. There are so many amazing people in my life, so many relationships I want to nurture, to grow. Yet I often fuck up. I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, do the right thing at the right time. I have to give my self some slack. I am only human. And a human that is a little on edge these days I might add.

Ok, random I know. Thanks as always for putting up with the late night posts.

Nobody knew what the raven would do If he found it was rain in your hands

I decidedly want to be her. Nothing says smoke show like oversize glasses, a fur hat, flannel and perhaps most importantly... a rifle... awkward?

Oh, the blizzard's never seen the desert sands

So right now I am totally distracted. I am watching a TED talk that an inspiring young lady, oh god no that sounds WAY to... much like a parent, a rad woman who I work with, sent me. A lot of people tend to pass along inspiring things to me and I am so grateful, a little flattered for some reason but perpetually shocked that people think of me when they are being so deeply moved by something. Of course, yes, I am a little narcissistic.

But... seriously. Enough about me.

So this talk. My favourite line is "So, I have a vulnerability problem". Because I, have a vulnerability problem. (shoot, ok less about me)

Brene Brown is a self proclaimed researcher story teller. She spoke to something very very dear to my heart and the path, the freaking scary hard path, that I am trying desperately to follow. She did a study to try to learn more about shame and whole heartedness and what the distinction is.

She defines shame as the fear of disconnection. Something inherently present in human beings. It is the voice in our heads telling us we aren't worthy, we aren't good enough, pretty enough, skinny, bootylicious, rich, promoted enough. We aren't... blank enough. In order to feel this connection we must be seen, really truly, deeply, seen. And excruciatingly enough. That takes being vulnerable.

Poignantly she spoke to how we, as a society numb. Being vulnerable can come with loss, pain, sadness and a whole load of emotions that are hard to feel. So we drink. We eat. We do drugs. We watch hours of mindless television to make some of this hurt less. For me, when I numb, I make a joke, push it down, cover it up with inauthenticity. But when we numb these feelings we also numb what makes us alive. We stop feeling love, joy, happiness and gratitude.  Then, in our numbness we search fruitlessly for purpose and meaning.

Where she really got me was what differentiates people who live in this reality with the people who live Whole Heartedly. The only real distinguishing factor is that those who live with their whole heart have a sense of worthiness. They truly believe they are worthy of love and belonging. Now, I am lucky enough, and yes, worthy enough, to work for a company who almost hero worship a man named Brian Tracy. We listen to his Phycology of Achievement cds and the crowing moment is always the part where Brian asks his listeners to exclaim  " I like my self, I like myself, I like myself." Cheesy as it sounds, nothing really gets the sense of worthiness going like a good dose of liking oneself in the morning.

To have this Whole Heartedness, Brene describes, one must have courage, compassion and connection. Courage, she defines as telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. Connection she sees as the direct result of authenticity. These three, she tells her listeners, must be fully embraced.  The people who she met who lived their lives with whole heartedness fully embraced what made them vulnerable. What made them vulnerable also made them beautiful, necessary. They understood that being vulnerable meant saying I love you first, it meant doing something with no guarantees, it was a willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

How do we get there? This all sounds pretty sweet to me but what can we do now. Brene leaves the talk with 4 points. 1) Let our selves be deeply seen, be authentic. 2) Love with our whole hearts even with no guarantee 3) To have gratitude and joy even when we are afraid 4) To believe we are enough.


I am grateful that these little touch stones keep landing in my lap. Please keep them coming.

And watch Brene's talk. Epic.

more.

I want it.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

I am spoiled. It is pretty obvious. This Christmas was no exception.

It is Kerrigan family tradition to wake up and open stockings together, eat the only elaborate breakfast we make ourselves all year, open our presents and spend the rest of the day reading, listening to music and watching mindless TV (read: Westminster Dog Show re-run, Shaw Cable Fire Log…). It is truly my favourite day of the year and the only one I feel truly entitled to do EXACTLY as I wish.

After opening gifts as a family we hunkered into our newest books. My mum had heard, on the news earlier, a story about 2 horses stranded on a mountain in North Eastern BC and the town that risked much to save their lives, coincidently, in a Christmas miracle. There are 2 things that make this a unique and inspiring experience. The story was truly a vivid reminder of the miracles that can be created when people work together towards something not expect of them for the good of something greater than themselves.

The horses, Belle and Sundance, were not owned by anyone in the town. They had been abandoned after a pack trip went wrong and when found four months later were so near death that the only reason they weren’t put down on the spot was the men who found them didn’t have a gun on them. What made the situation such a challenge is that it was late December, North Eastern BC is VERY cold and VERY snowy and the horses were trapped up a mountain in a space in the snow not much bigger than a dining room table with no food except each other’s tails. The dedication, commitment, sheer stubbornness and love for something else was what drove the people of the town to dig a trench 6 feet by 3 feet a km long to free two animals from the trap at the top of the mountain.

I lay, wrapped in a blanket, full of cheese, maple sausage, rice flour crepes and a healthy dose of maple syrup just reading this amazing story. For two and a half hours. I haven’t ready anything for two and a half hours that wasn’t my emails in longer than I can remember. I read a WHOLE BOOK. I have not read a whole book start to finish in a long time. I love completing a book. I did something I love and read something so truly inspirational that I was overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend the first part of my day. It was the best Christmas gift I could have asked for.