Gratitude.

Even when we have gratitude in abundance it is easy to take things in our lives for granted. It is hard to remember how good we have it all the time. When we have long days, hard weeks, when we get grumpy because the bus is late or the really good take out place is closed on Sundays or when we forget to say 'thank you' or 'I love you' because we just assume our friends and family know we mean it. I am so happy, so grateful for my program, for the amazing people in my life, for my health, for the support of my parents. I try to live my life in this gratitude but I will admit that I sometimes lose sight of this. 

That is something I am working towards, to passing on the gratitude I feel to those I feel it for. I want to make sure those in my life understand that I am not taking them for granted, not leaving anything on the table. 

And the mountains shall bring peace to the people

Nothing shakes a small community like loss. I sometimes forget what time of year it is until I start to get unsettled for no reason and realize that suddenly the middle of January is upon me without notice. Like migrating birds my body feels it, knows it, draws me in like constellations imprinted on my brain. In my bones, in the sinews holding me together, in the veins that pump blue under the pale skin of my arms I can feel it. I wasn't sure what was causing me to feel so low the last few days, what was causing a gut reaction to loss of any kind. Rigidity in my jaw any time that there was a possibility of someone slipping out of my life. This has caused me to cling as of lately. To everything. It is this time of year that I fear if I don't hold on tight it will all just happen again.

Sarah Burke, my idol for nearly a decade, wife of Rory Bushfield, fell the other day. I was watching tv eating breakfast and found myself in shock. Sarah Burke in a coma. Sarah Burke with a head injury. Sarah Burke who skied on blown knees, who married the most ridiculous boy in the world, who posed in her underwear and revolutionized my sport. In a coma. And I can't shake it. My heart goes out to her family and friends and all the others like me who don't know her but find inspiration in her life. My heart goes out to them because this is that time of year. In our community this time of year is marked with loss.

466 weeks ago. Every year I think I am past it. Think that I have moved forward from feeling this way. Every year I am more and more shocked that I still feel the loss. And as I write this through tears, rolling down my cheeks, soaking through my shirt, through the blanket on my lap I can't get past it. My heart still marked with the scars of grief. February 1st. An injury like Sarah's pulls a community together, loss brings people close because supporting oneself is just too much. The death of 7 young people in a school of less than 700 students is both devastating and life altering. I like to pretend that I am not still paralyzed when I am reminded of those weeks. I like to imagine that it no longer holds sway over my life. The reality is that this longing, loss and fear of losing people stays with me. Usually buried deep, these days it is hard to ignore. Just like the migration of whales north to south and back again it is instinctual, the short weeks leading up to the anniversary bring up more than I would like.

Through hard work I have come to create a parallel possibility that I am conscious of trying to embrace. It is not the possibility of loss and grief but one of connection and brining people into my life. It is the possibility that with my knowledge of the fragility of life that I must make sure that I spend time with the people in my life while I have the chance.  It is the understanding that I must embrace how I feel this time of year and use it to benefit my life, not allow it to drag me down.

... and the mountains shall bring peace to the people...

Where you invest your love you invest your life.

Sometimes the important questions are the hardest to ask. You put off saying things or having conversations because the risk is not adequately compensated. You can convince yourself for a while that it will happen when it needs to and you don't have time to worry about it now and even if you did, don't you just want to look laid back and cool? You live of the west coast darn it! But it is when asking those questions, to your self or the ones you need to ask, becomes what fills your core and you feel like you are beating your head against a glass wall, unable to move forward but unable to see clearly what is holding you back.

What holds me back is that my questions are for the most part un answerable and even if I did get a clear response I am not sure what I would do with it. I feel I am not alone in this. Many of us, for what ever reason, hold back for a multitude of reasons. The top of my list usually include not coming across the way I want, not looking good, sounding smart, seeming to have my shit together. They also include losing things I worked hard to get.  It seems like a clear answer to my easily convinced brain. What it sometimes forgets to include is what I would get from saying what I need to. I would get clarity of my next step, I would get peace of mind that I am not wasting my time and energy. I would have a better understanding of what I need to do to get where I want to go.

So it is like so many other things comes down to one thing... having the courage to do what is necessary. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.  In the case of saying and asking for answers to what holds you back takes such a persistence to act in the face of fear. Fortitude is one of my favourite words in the english language. It means, according to my grade 7 "Words are Important" book, courageous endurance of hardship. That overstates the anxiety of conversations by a mile. It keeps in perspective the bravery it takes to tell yourself, to ask those around you, to help you solve what aches you. 

3rd is the new 1st.

Exhaustion like this hasn't been a reality in a long time. Less than 12 hours sleep over 4 days may have been pushing it a little bit. It was all worth it though. The things that are often make the uncomfortable seem less significant.

I spent my weekend in edmonton with 39 classmates and 500 of my new closest friends for 3 days of MBA Games. As incredibly feisty underdogs we has our eyes on the Queen's Cup... and Alberta's affordable liquor prices. Over the weekend we cheered our voices off, danced harder, spider monkey-ed in the pool, played ops simulations like it was our job. We rode bulls, some of us better than others, we danced some more... and we had time to have a few drinks and make some friends along the way. At the end of it all we won none of the individual events but came 3rd over all. We joked that we were great at nothing but ok at everything. I disagree. 3rd place was the best finish of a Western Canadian school this year, it is also the best UBC has ever finished. We fought for each point we received and we just happened to do it our own way. Not only did we work hard this weekend but we played harder. I am sincerely convinced that we were happier about how we did than the champion team was about winning the whole event. 

This weekend was also more significant for me than just a good time away and a little friendly competition. I walked away with a better appreciation for the amazing people in my life. The people who don't let me back down from anything. The people who make potentially unnerving or awkward situations easier to handle. The people that take care of me even when I am at my worst. I am often worried that when I am run down and busy, constantly on the move with little consideration for taking care of myself, that people won't want me around, that I won't add value to teams but I am beginning to see that maybe this 'worst version' is really not so bad. Maybe this is who I am and when I am too tired or sore or what ever I am forced to dig a little deeper to get through, knowing that I am supported by those around me, knowing that I am leaving it all on the table. As ever I am so grateful for those in my program and those in my life. I couldn't be luckier. 

Sitting in my room this afternoon I could feel the sinews twitching under my skin, almost undetectable. I need something new, I need something more. I need an adventure. I need to feel like I am pushing myself for something worth it. It's hard, not knowing where I am going and only just beginning to comprehend the possibilities. School fills some of the void but most of me understands that this feeling is the one I get when ever its time for change. Time for something more. Time to shake off some of what holds me back. This weekend in all its glory brought back some of what it feels like to be doing that but who knows what else will. 

Remember

The anxiety of new and un-started things can bear heavy on me from time to time. I finished last semester tired but happy and not anxious the way I have felt the last 3 days. Driving home from dance practice it hit home loud and clear. I hate the idea of not being good at something. At failing. Turns out I am a closet perfectionist. I hate to admit it, but if not here then where? I hate the idea of letting some one down. Often it's myself but it is also those around me. I find myself setting the bar low just to make sure I get over it every time. This fear has paralyzed me from doing many things I would likely enjoy. Meeting new people, trying new things, I can make anything seem a logistical nightmare in my head and convince myself I shouldn't even try. This was a substantial road block in romantic relationships. All of this has eased up considerably as of late but with so many new things in my life and on the horizon I could feel the tightening in my chest and the frantic tone in my voice. It's not what it used to be but it is still there. It will likely always be present to some extent but I have to go back to believing my own good press and remember that I am here to learn, not to be perfect.

I was also reminded, on this very same ride home, that inspiration must find you working. It is a quote I have pinned to my wall and yet I forget about for days and weeks at a time and wonder why I have nothing to write about. Like anything in my life I am always better when I am busy. My writing is no different. It is easy to misplace and lose track of extraordinary events in your life if they all just blend into days and nights. Where there is so much going on it is easy to pick out the learnings, and significance. It may sound counter-intuitive, it does as I write this but to  me it all just makes sense.

ahhh, school life... how I missed you. 

The imprint of longing and distance.

So first day back at the grind and of course that means I have so much more to write about than when I am not around the people that make me laugh and inspire the pants off me.

Firstly, I fucking love school. I try not to swear here but that was the thought that kept running through my head  in class today while the Prof tried to gage the competency of our "finance for artists" class... that's what we call it anyway. All I could think of with a big goofy grin on my face was how much I had missed being around these people and this environment where I am constantly learning about something new and interesting. It was just another moment that affirmed what a spectacular choice/twist of fate being in this program has been.

Also came to the hilarious realization that I make to do lists simply to avoid doing things. I will make lists till the cows come home (is that an Alberta only saying?) but then proceed only to do the most simple tasks on the list. I feel as though it would be considerably more productive and likely more satisfying to check the big things off my  list that I have been avoiding, such as practicing for our MBA games dance routine. I am happy to 'pick up laundry detergent' but have been putting off 're-writing my vision'. This awareness may do little towards actually changing this habit, I feel satisfaction in checking things off my list, but it is nice to smile to myself as I notice what I have been avoiding and perhaps it will give me a little boost in motivation to do something about it.


Lastly, I realized how hard it is to miss people that normally hold space in your life. Strange enough more and more people I care about tend to not be in the same place as I am. I have a dear friend, a twin, who lives on the other side of the world. People who I care about live in Toronto, 3 hrs time difference and thousands of miles away. Many of my close friends still live in Calgary and even my parents have relocated to the remote. I feel this is a symptom of the wonder that is our global community. It is increasingly easy to meet people from other places and for people who come from the same soil and sky to leave for bright beaches and foreign voices. I am grateful for things like the internet and for phones and picture text messages more than I thought I would ever be, at times they make the distance a little less and yet that closeness reminds me that those people are too far away for the simply things. We can't go for coffee or a drink, physically console each other after a bad day or share a hug in celebration. Distance is a funny thing and in these young lives of ours it is more common and I believe more challenging to be in these relationships. Spread thin, stretched far. One of life's great pleasures that is sharply contrasted against icy prairie flats and vast deep oceans.

Annual Review.

I started 2012 a little apprehensively. 2011 had been such an epic, almost perfect year, that was I superstitiously dreading its end. I know this is unreasonable and little, if nothing has changed since yesterday. I woke up this morning with ambitious plans. I had started a number of goal setting exercise over the past few days and my plans were to finish them over the day, hopefully providing me some direction like 2011 had. I also wanted to simply get up, grab a coffee, go for a walk and bring the paper home to read in from of the TV.

I was re-inspired walking around my city and also astounded by the fact that mid winter here is like spring in Calgary... but with less snow. I love that it was a promising start to the new year. So here is some of what I came up with...

The theme of 2012 is the year of raising the bar and playing big, this time next year everything will be different, again. 2011 was getting to where I wanted to be. To checking off BHAGs (big hairy audacious goals) I was too scared to write down on paper. 2012 is about the finishing touches and playing a bigger game.  Some of my one year goals include:

- My writing is published by Dec 2012
- I have a job lined up for Jan 2013 in training and development
- I host a goal setting/coaching workshop for my MBA class by Dec 2012
- I experience Alaska
- I ski a 20 day season (3 down, 17 to go...)
- I create a strategy to pay off my student loan

They are all little steps to getting where I want to go, wherever that may be (ps. I have a better idea that I sometimes give my self credit for or allow myself to not freak out about).

So if this is something you're interested in here is process I found helpful:
how to conduct your own annual review

So that's it for a great first day. Hope you are as excited about 2012 as I am.