Only you can cool my desire.

It's late.

I'm tired.

My body aches for my bed. My brain craves sleep.

Maybe it's all these energy drinks but it feels like something more. Deep in my heart. I've felt it before and it is that contentment that the little pieces are starting to fit together. I feel alive with it all.

My days are filled with tiny moments of connection and learning and grace. Finally I am so far from attachment to results and saturated in living in the movement, perhaps too much so as had I been living less in the now this weekend I may have been in bed early tonight. To my great surprise I haven't noticed the rain. And I ALWAYS notice the rain.

I am in love with this all, all these fragments and incremental changes. All the words and images and sounds. My heart strings are taught and it can't help but skip a beat.

lose yourself for a minute or two

I have been writing and re-writing this all day. Boredom, gluten based anxiety and a variety of worthy distractions have allowed me to get here now, it's quarter to ten and I just finished what I feel must be completed for the evening.

I have been forced to face a number of options lately, ones we all face on daily basis. Evaluating them has been a process both challenging and enlightening.

Here are some options:

1) Watch the game from the stands, bleachers, or sidelines. A bit of a rush sometimes but no real accomplishment.
2) Play small. In the game but holding back, missing something.
3) Play full on, all out, play big....

Now some of these options take more energy, they're harder to win, the risk and reward are more significant. Others take less work, less persistence, they are easier to stay safe in, those ones provide less as well.

It is easy to see this as a case of what you put in is what you get out of something. I agree wholeheartedly. I have been known to play small from time to time, it works when the game is small, when you are a big fish in a small pond. When the process and results are of little consequence. Right now I can say with the upmost certanintly that I am playing big and the payoffs are worth never changing that.

I am someone who thrives off challenge. I like to feel alive, I like to feel gratitude at small victories, at the tiny extraordinary beauties in a day. Lately I have been so consumed with school and the resulting friendships that I have all but forgotten the insignificant trials that used to consume so many of my thoughts.

When I was playing small everything seemed a harder, I added meaning like it was my job, now, not so much.

A good friend sat next to me yesterday afternoon. She started off telling me that normally, when things got hectic it was evident in everything I did. I get frantic, anxious, easily swayed to inauthentic emotions. I feared her words would continue to let me know that this is what she saw in me then, a little hung over, at school trying to get some work finished before running a multitude of errands. To my pleasant surprise she told me otherwise. She let me know that I had the sense of calm about me. In my mind it's that eye of the storm idea. This is what I'm like when I play full on. I don't have time to try to look good, to worry about what others think of me. It's not worth it anymore to change for someone else. All you can do is develop and learn and hope that these things will be valued and rewarded.

So the risks are big. You never know what will happen when you are transparent, authentic, your true self, but I can say that it is far more likely to stumble upon greatness this way then hiding on the sidelines.

Where us or this starts

You maverick you, I thought to myself sitting down to write this aft. What gives you the right to think you should spend this time blogging and not getting work done? Nothing was the correct answer, but in this strange stolen moment I am grateful for the quiet, the early hour and the feeling of indulgence of writing here instead of in my marketing assignment.

Life is going at hyper speed these days. Every week, every day, every hour is a shift in the learning curve. I am always astounded when learning and development happen in fast forward and this is unlike anything I have experienced. I am slightly shocked by the thoughts in my head, the words that come out of my mouth to describe what I understand.  It's easy, so easy I find to get wrapped up in the ins and outs, the details of what is going on. The big picture seems like a distant dream, blurry and lacking all essential features and the short term is blindingly clear. Getting in your own head and staying there is hard to avoid. My own stories about my life, what I was up to, how I was faring were too significant for me to wonder what others may think, what they may see in me that I can't.

And so slowly I am finding out. Everyone is in the same boat. Everyone doubts their own experience and knowledge, at least to some extent, and it seems as if most people believe everyone else is great, everyone contributes. It is reassuring as we go through this that we are not alone. With all our minor insecurities and our gratitude at the company we share we can't help but be lucky and find inspiration in it. We are each others mirrors of greatness.

Cold as stone

I write this with tears still wet on my cheeks. For the first time in a long time, perhaps ever, I chose not to shut down, wall up, go into the mode that lets me get it done when my heart hurts too much. The decision to let it happen, to embrace the ache in my chest, to choose openness, to choose to trust and love and get on with it is overwhelming. Usually heartbreak, in any of its forms, scares me enough to throw me into a constant cycle of building and tearing down walls. The labour of it all is exhausting. Now I am lucky, heartbreak is fairly rare in my life (we will ignore that this may result from my inability to let people and places in easily). Sometimes it comes at the end of a long day or a short relationship. Sometimes it comes like a freight train out of a tunnel. Hitting you like tons of steel that you couldn't see coming. From time to time it is fleeting  and catches me off guard.

This afternoon was no different. It was a result of a realization that I have a lot to let go of and had been chipping away at it for a while now. It was a shock at the ties that still bind. The memories that flood back when you don't want them to, don't expect them.

The best part of this is that I much prefer this version of myself. Sometimes it feels good or strong to just push down what is uncomfortable. To ignore it, cover it up. Sometimes though it is nice to know that even when things hurt that it is so far from the end of the world, that it doesn't diminish who we are, it simply means we are human and we feel.

What bonds us?

Family.

This word has taken on many meanings for me over the course of my short but sweet life. For the longest time I defined as I think many would, based on blood and marriage and last names. As I grew older I expanded this definition to include friends and their families who I interacted with the way I did with my family.  In the last 5 or 6 years it has come to mean more than that.

Sometimes there are just things, experiences, that bond us more than words can really describe. I have been through a few of these, a devastating accident that rocked my young life, my summer camp family that saved me, the girls and select gentlemen who I grew with at lululemon, and most recently the emerging little family that are trying to pull through this program together.  It hit home hard tonight. I walked into the place I had worked this summer at what was no where near the end of what is stacking up to be a very long day. Though not extraordinary in length of time worked I felt a sense of homecoming tonight. It was amplified as my massage therapist and lovely friend filled me in on what was going on at the studio. One of the most beloved employees was sick, more sick than I think any of us knew or maybe wanted to admit. Though I was really only there for 5 weeks it struck a cord. So many of us are far from home, because of ease of travel and how amazingly accessible our world is, our families are scattered and so we look to each other to build new versions. It takes a startling amount of vulnerability coupled with easily as much strength to reach out and rely on those around us.

I am finding this more daily and am blessed to have so much family around who are in no way related (I am lucky enough also to have one rad sister here). As much as it is scary as hell to show weakness, to seem to need something, especially help,  at the end of the day that is why we are here. We are here to connect to people, most of the time we are all just going through the same thing or have been or will do. It's ok to lean a little. It's ok to love and to let people in. It's ok to find family in unlikely places.

Specialization is for insects

“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, steer a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

And it sure feels good to finally feel the way I do.

Inspiration comes from the tiniest places, the smallest things.

This morning on my ride to school we were in the middle of solving all the problems in the world when a song came on the radio. Being the only 2 people we hang out with on a regular basis who love country we tend to rock out hard in the station wagon on our daily commute. There has been a song on the tip of my tongue since Stampede. I define it as the one that I "always get two-stepped to" or "that one that when it comes on everyone sings" but rarely being sober in those situations the lyrics always escape me. This morning mid sentence it came on. Loud and clear. In the bright day light, driving along the ocean my heart beat a bit faster. I listened to the lyrics for what felt like the first time and it brought me home. Not home to the prairies but home to what it feels like to be on the dance floor at Nashville North, happy, in the moment, likely being spun by some tall handsome cowboy. Freeing. It stuck with me all day. For some reason I was alert in class (great!) and I felt like I finally had ideas to contribute (bonus!).

It can be the little things, the songs we hear on the radio, the notes from friends or loved ones, the funny or thoughtful text or Facebook messages we receive. These are the daily inspirations. This is what makes us better. This is what keeps us in the moment, allows us to be present, be authentic, be great. The beauty in the simple.

While I should have been reading IT Management...

Reframing is something we have been looking at a lot lately in class. Like a camera kit for photographers, the lens we view and react to our world through has a profound impact on our experiences. 
The frame I have recently decided on is one of learning for the sake of knowing more. I sometimes slip into the trap of being upset by how little knowledge or experience I have in some aspects of the curriculum. I am learning what I know I don't know and getting a glimmer of the magnitude of what I don't know I don't know. It can be a little overwhelming and sometimes downright daunting. Looking at this from a different angle takes off some of the pressure.
Coming to class, and really any experience these days, with a lens of learning has a huge impact on how fun it is and how rewarding. Each moment is an opportunity to know more, contribute more effectively, run a better business and perhaps live a life that is a little more interesting. Seeing this as an opportunity it is easy to be more engaged and honestly it's more fun than seeing it as testable material or something to be anxious about.
So new lenses, new frameworks. Sometimes this is all it takes to get through, to make the most of it. To see the world with a different perspective.

The Edge of Glory.

I haven't been writing as much this last week or so. You may have noticed. It may be a little relief to your inboxes, Facebook and twitter feeds.

It seems that when my life gets busy externally the things that drop away are the ones that matter. I tried to hold on to my goal of writing every second day but as nights got later it was either write or catch an extra half our of sleep, read one more article. Sometimes this is growing up. Putting in extra where it is demanded of you but being passionate enough about what is on the back burner to miss it. To fill in any gaps with it because at the end of the day it may not be getting you the marks, it may not be making you the big bucks but it is what gets you up in the morning, it's what makes your heart skip.

The last few days I have been thinking a lot about growing up. Much of it comes from the constant talk of careers and what we are all ' doing with our lives' but some of it comes as part of the filter through which I am viewing my life these days. It is a bit of a dichotomy I must admit, a pro and con list even, where I am going to end up? Where do I commit? How much effort do I make in relation to how long I think I will be in this city? What relationships do I nurture? Why?

Part of me sees Vancouver for its flaws. I know how obvious this seems. For every earthquake (yes, my big fear moving out here was realized) and all those hours stuck in traffic a voice inside me says "see, you were right, this isn't for you". The thing that has begun to change though is that it really isn't a big deal. I  missed this 'big' 6.7 on the Richter scale earthquake while walking home from a coffee shop yesterday. My drive to west van tonight was long and at times frustrating but getting out of downtown, seeing the sunset, having space and quiet was worth every minute stuck behind that VW Jetta on Georgia. Even with earth shakings and gridlock traffic, life is pretty amazing.

On the flip side going home becomes less and less of an option. I miss it tremendously and the first feelings of sadness that come over me are often for the lack of sky here. I just miss the endless cerulean of the Alberta prairies but my home is going up for sale in the near future, my friends are moving away or moving on or growing apart and I even had a dream that Punk Rock Bingo at the Ship was coming to an end. Sure signs that I need to let go, I need to move on. We are all just growing up I guess. It is just another lens to see through.

And some have greatness thrust upon 'em

Strategy is about making choices. So claimed my Strategy textbook this evening as I plowed through the readings that I feared would bring me an ulcer this semester. This resonated with me today. I had spent much of the last 24 hours in mid panic. My lungs in a vice. What was I doing here? What if they made a mistake? What if I let down my team? What if I couldn’t measure up?

The first shift this triggered in me was the recognition of something fundamental to how I behave, to how I perform. I fear being unprepared. I’ve always felt this way and have systematically attacked this by forcing myself to act outside my comfort zone, to not plan everything. Today I realized how strongly this transferred to my academic life and how, if I let it get the best of me, it could paralyze my true learning here, stall any risk taking before it even occurred. It will be something to let go of, to find balance with.

The second shift today was related directly back to my Strategy text. Strategy is about making choices. So is life. For the past few days I had been bargaining with myself about the strategy I would pursue for this challenging degree. Would I choose to be sub par – giving up before trying? Would I choose mediocrity, assuming I was middle of the pack and performing as such? Would I choose greatness? Leverage my talents, develop my strengths, sacrifice for the pursuit of a worthy cause? I had been told for years to choose greatness daily. I made excuses not to. It was exhausting. It wasn’t worth it. I didn’t know how. I couldn’t commit. Today, sitting in a crowed classroom with brilliant and inspiring people choosing greatness seemed to be the only option that made sense. The only path that would provide me with what I wanted to get from the program and more importantly what I want to contribute. So that’s it. I finally get what it feels like to choose.

“Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em” – Shakespeare
 

I grew up in a small town, wheat fields for a downtown kind of place.

Heart Skipped a beat. It all comes back to that. This it what I live for. The racing feeling of the remarkable, of the beautiful, of that which moves and inspires me, even if found in things and places that are seemingly ordinary or unremarkable.

This morning my heart is racing. On a day that is routine in its activities I can’t ignore the persistent pounding in my chest. The simple pleasures of the day, reading ski magazines in the bath, drinking a coffee while studying on a patio in the sun, wearing a skirt to let my legs soak up the sun, great tunes in my ears, this would all be more than enough to make my day but it’s not all. What is making this out to be a day that I will likely never forget is that this morning my first ‘nephew’ was born. I have long been living in a relatively irresponsible and incredibly independent world. I rarely make decisions based on what I believe others expect of me, I have little thought, too little perhaps, for what I need to set myself up for the important milestones in life that I haven’t yet reached. Kids are not on my imminent horizon, unless you count the pup I plan to get in the next year or two. So with that said and done it is even more special that this little young man comes into my life. He is an anomaly. He is the first.  Having followed his mum out here I feel like he has been part of my life for so long already. When my dear friend told me that the little growing creature inside her knew my voice I nearly lost it. This is connection at its finest. This is beyond words. And I am never beyond words.

This also puts the rest of my life in perspective. These are the important things. These are moments that we should stop, embrace and savor. They don’t come as often as many of us would like. So now I see my little weekend, my last kick at the can in terms of free time and summer spread out before me.  Days of sweetness and love and learning. We remember moments.

Extraordinary.

It's amazing what the right environment can do to a learning curve. We threw ourselves into the deep end this morning. Sink or swim. We swam. We had our moments but we are going to be ok. We came along way today baby.

My days have been lessons in contradictions lately. The serious learning complimented but the little things, the simple pleasures. Reading the new issue of Powder Magazine in the bath with a glass of wine. Best friends about to give birth to new 'nieces' or 'nephews'.  The extraordinary one offs complimented with the steady joy of a pragmatic approach to learning. Both result in experiences to be celebrated, just on different scales, at different speeds.

big love.

Where the West was all but won.

You really never know what you are going to fall into. Sometimes it is that simple connection to faith in the universe that keeps it all working out. Life is fast paced these days. Picking up up steam with exceptional speed at every turn and yet the advice we continue to receive is to take it in stride, not to worry about the marks and to enjoy each others company. So instead of studying up on a simulation that will account for a significant portion of our grade for the term we went out, had a few drinks, ate burgers, danced like it was our job. And funny enough, it was. For the night. Our last good kick at the can for a little while.


Now i know I have posted this before... but really, who doesn't need a sweet song to fall asleep to on a Thursday. You can bet it's what i'm listening to tonight.