Sitting down to write has been challenging the past few days. In part it is a result of this being crunch time with exams and projects due left right and centre. My days are full as they are without adding obligatory creative time to each. It breaks my heart as I know my writing and thought processes suffer almost immediately without practice, like the athlete who loses strength while being injured. It is not just about atrophy but also a bit of a loss of self. A defining attribute out of use, out of practice. It is not just the time... there is much I would write but it feels to private even for this space. That is unlike me.
It's not that things aren't good, they are amazing, it is just that I am exhausted from over processing sometimes. Those are the moments that I reach for the keyboard, a multitude of started but unfinished blog posts. I feel stretched these days, not so much physically but just between what I want, what I know is possible and my default setting which is to always think the worst. Let me reframe that. I am an often obnoxiously positive person and yet when it comes to me, when it comes to things working out, when it comes to planning the future I jump to all the worst conclusions. I am adept at seeing all the road blocks and trusting that no one else wants to get past them but me, I have this sinking suspicion that I am always on my own through the rough patches. Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens, but who will hold the faith with me?
I am learning quickly though to see the beauty in what is around me. In what I am in. Vancouver is a strange place this time of year. The grass is still green, the leaves are every shade and primarily still attached to trees and yet, in some places there is snow on the ground. If this were Calgary it would be all seasons rolled up into one. It is a photographers dream out there and though my camera stays primarily on it's shelf except for hockey games my iPhone captures moments like it is my job. The rugged, harsh beauty of the changing days is reflected in my life. The first stage of this program is coming quickly to an end. It feels like I have been doing it forever and like we just started. As ever, I am nervous about the next step, about seeing less of the people I truly enjoy spending time with. Nervous that choices I made won't be the right ones. That is actually pretty consistent as fears go in my life. Even with this though there is so much going on that is exciting, challenging and new. I am energized and empowered by life these days. My life is all the beginnings of ends, ends of ends and beginnings of beginnings.
This is how it goes though, the things that help you develop as a person are the ones where you are asked to step up, play big, get on with growing up.
I stumbled across this the other day...
and this one too
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