Landmarks. Decades, birthdays, anniversaries, promotions, due dates, all the significant pieces of the timeline that make up our lives. When as much change occurs as it often does in our lives these days it is challenging not to live between these markers. I have been excitedly blogging towards 100 posts, a sign for me that I was truly committed to something that gave me no tangible benefit or, more likely, that I like to share a little bit too much. Today this accomplishment seems a little anticlimactic to the sweet life I have been living lately.
Giving up the things that used to validate me was uncomfortable, even downright sad at first. I was used to taking pride from my career, feeling that my title was the defining piece of my identity. Once I gave that up I had to rethink what I would tell people when asked "So, what do you do?". I was also very proud of always being 'too' busy. Too busy to run, to paint, to see my friends, to celebrate Christmas eve traditions with my family. In fact I felt that if I was sleeping more than 7 hours a night, waking up after 6am or had no plans for a day off I was failing. I placed value on myself based on what others wanted me to be doing, who they wanted me to be. My life was based around by-whens, quarterly reports, sales weeks, and yes, years, decades and anniversaries. Now this would have been fine if this was not it. If this was not everything.
Letting go of this wasn't easy, and will likely never be complete. Stripping away all the external definitions that I could no longer use forced me to figure out who I actually was, not what my title told people I was. I have had a habit this last year of claiming disaster. Of telling myself and anyone who would listen that this was the hardest year of my life. That I got my heart broken, lost myself, lost others, struggled at everything. That if I could just sum it all up in a timeline, set out between landmarks, that when I passed through it it would all be over. In the words of our beloved Punk Rock Bingo caller "I call Bullshit."
Being without traditional employment has removed all that I defined myself by before. It has been the most remarkable learning experience. I have had the opportunity to be totally lost and scared to wits end. I have slowly built a foundation and climbed out of that place. I have figured out what lights me up, makes my heart skip a beat. I have been able saturate myself with the good things in life. I have given up that which doesn't serve me, sadly in part that is pretty new clothes and weather inappropriate foot wear. Without job, without a lot of extra cash, but with the unwavering support of those around me I have never been happier, more content, more at peace. I have never laughed so much and with such ease.
Before I was anxious about making plans, my time outside of work was far too valuable for commitment. Those around me sensed this and so in turn, never committed to me. Having loads of time has been a vacuum for wonderful experiences. Yesterday was the perfect example. Tuesdays are not traditionally a day of escape and socialization and yet I was lucky enough to be having beers on the patio on Sunday and a plan was hatched. Escape the city with a bottle of wine and delicious lunch for a day of spring skiing in the mountains, on a Tuesday. The best day of the season, my face and sides hurt from laughing, 6:30 am until far later in the evening when my night ended after a rowdy game or two of bingo at the pub with friends.
The longwinded moral of the story seems to be this. Create the space, be happy. Ski on a Tuesday.
Giving up the things that used to validate me was uncomfortable, even downright sad at first. I was used to taking pride from my career, feeling that my title was the defining piece of my identity. Once I gave that up I had to rethink what I would tell people when asked "So, what do you do?". I was also very proud of always being 'too' busy. Too busy to run, to paint, to see my friends, to celebrate Christmas eve traditions with my family. In fact I felt that if I was sleeping more than 7 hours a night, waking up after 6am or had no plans for a day off I was failing. I placed value on myself based on what others wanted me to be doing, who they wanted me to be. My life was based around by-whens, quarterly reports, sales weeks, and yes, years, decades and anniversaries. Now this would have been fine if this was not it. If this was not everything.
Letting go of this wasn't easy, and will likely never be complete. Stripping away all the external definitions that I could no longer use forced me to figure out who I actually was, not what my title told people I was. I have had a habit this last year of claiming disaster. Of telling myself and anyone who would listen that this was the hardest year of my life. That I got my heart broken, lost myself, lost others, struggled at everything. That if I could just sum it all up in a timeline, set out between landmarks, that when I passed through it it would all be over. In the words of our beloved Punk Rock Bingo caller "I call Bullshit."
Being without traditional employment has removed all that I defined myself by before. It has been the most remarkable learning experience. I have had the opportunity to be totally lost and scared to wits end. I have slowly built a foundation and climbed out of that place. I have figured out what lights me up, makes my heart skip a beat. I have been able saturate myself with the good things in life. I have given up that which doesn't serve me, sadly in part that is pretty new clothes and weather inappropriate foot wear. Without job, without a lot of extra cash, but with the unwavering support of those around me I have never been happier, more content, more at peace. I have never laughed so much and with such ease.
Before I was anxious about making plans, my time outside of work was far too valuable for commitment. Those around me sensed this and so in turn, never committed to me. Having loads of time has been a vacuum for wonderful experiences. Yesterday was the perfect example. Tuesdays are not traditionally a day of escape and socialization and yet I was lucky enough to be having beers on the patio on Sunday and a plan was hatched. Escape the city with a bottle of wine and delicious lunch for a day of spring skiing in the mountains, on a Tuesday. The best day of the season, my face and sides hurt from laughing, 6:30 am until far later in the evening when my night ended after a rowdy game or two of bingo at the pub with friends.
The longwinded moral of the story seems to be this. Create the space, be happy. Ski on a Tuesday.
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| Lunch View... not too shabby |
“To change your life: start immediately; do it flamboyantly; no exceptions."- William James. |
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