Believe in yourself and in the future.

I understand what you might be thinking right now. ‘Wow, how cliché is it that here, on this blog, is a stereotypical year in review post. Couldn’t she think outside the box a little? Come on now’. Well I take this cliché and raise you predictability, nostalgia, and a few back in the days.

I am not going to lie, I had this whole thing mapped out in my mind. I was going to put down all the ways in which 2010 was the last thing from being the best year of my life. The more I wrote about how this year sucked the more I thought about how much I actually learned this year, how the epic times balanced out the low points, how much I took myself on this year and developed as a person. Yeah, there were tough, heartbreaking, moments in 2010 but there were enormous highs too. And beyond that, 2010 has set me up very well, I believe, for 2011.

What I learned this year:

1)    Running, not drinking and eating, is the key to getting over a breakup. (Note to future Julia: PLEASE remember this.)

2)    Taking responsibility for your life and what happens in your life is the key to getting what you want.

3)    Following your bliss is the path of least resistance. If it is meant to happen it is easy. Or at least not always excruciatingly hard.

4)    Taking risks and being vulnerable makes big things happen.

5)    All the conversations I am or was afraid of having are easier, go better, and result in more than I could ever imagine.

What I loved this year:

1)    My yoga teacher training. The place, Ucluelet BC. The people. Knowing that I can actually do anything if I have the support and don’t let myself quit.

2)    Learning that my true passions lie in photography, writing and teaching.

3)    My job. Yeah it’s been a struggle. A really freaking hard struggle but I get to do what I love every day. I get to coach and develop people to be greater AND I get to run my own business.

4)    My friends. The ones who took me out when I needed some fun, who sat at home with me on a Saturday night and got take out when we needed that. The ones that make everything we do way more fun. These are my people. I effing love them.

5)    The risks I took. None of them were huge but doing the scary things IS really more fun.

2011. Here I come:

1)    I will grow my business: photography, yoga, writing, coaching.

2)    I will be in the best shape of my life.

3)    I will have balance, I will love every second of my life.

4)    I will have adventure, take risks, reap the rewards.

5)    I will learn. As much as I can.

6)    I will Love.

So that’s it. That’s all folks for 2010. We’ll see about tomorrow.

From weheartit.com

Lovestain on my heart.

Soooo I have a cold. I am a huge baby about being sick. For the first time in a long time though, I didn't feel completely sorry for myself. I didn't just eat all the ice cream and popsicles and gluten I wanted 'just because i'm sick'.  I have big plans for 2011. Big Hairy Audacious Goals and none of them include not being able to do and wear exactly what I want. So I resisted. I am shocked at the will power I am gaining back. I blame it on the balance. I blame it on my friends.

I couldn't be more grateful that my life is full of people who both constantly push me and then who are simultaneously there to catch me on the other side. They have my back. I was meant to be at the airport right now picking one such friend up. ( no I am not a completely horrible person... wait for the rest of the story.) Her roommate and I had been discussing on the best way to get her from point a (Powder king originally, but the airport here in town specifically) to point b) her home on the other side of town. The executive decision was that I was going to retrieve her and following would be celebratory drinks! I was counting down the minutes until I was to leave, looking rather pathetic but feeling up for the task of a late night drive when low and behold her roommate called. Now this saint of a man, wether he knows it or not, has both our backs. He is off to pick her up as we speak and I am... as soon as the caffeine I ingested to stay awake enough to drive wears off, am off to a much needed rest.

The thing that amazes me is that I am SO incredibly lucky to be surrounded by the unique, inspiring and caring people that I am. That is what has pushed me to be who I am. That is why I get to have so much fun in my life. Love you all.

With so many people to love in my life...

I am between that place of sheer exhaustion and full alertness.  I often get home late after closing the store, only to have to wake up for my next shift in just a few hours and find a million things going through my head.

I have been given the feedback that I am over responsible, no head hunters don't line up to recruit me just yet. This isn't just some great way to get a super productive employee but tends to actually be a hindrance to me. Tonight we had some goals I was just not able to let go of at the end of the night. I know that I must be fully accountable for my actions and must hold others accountable to theirs but I just couldn't hold all the pieces together. It's a different game I am playing but I am still trying to do it by old rules. This just isn't working.

what else is going on in my pretty head you might ask? Well I am on edge about my relationships right now. There are so many amazing people in my life, so many relationships I want to nurture, to grow. Yet I often fuck up. I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, do the right thing at the right time. I have to give my self some slack. I am only human. And a human that is a little on edge these days I might add.

Ok, random I know. Thanks as always for putting up with the late night posts.

Nobody knew what the raven would do If he found it was rain in your hands

I decidedly want to be her. Nothing says smoke show like oversize glasses, a fur hat, flannel and perhaps most importantly... a rifle... awkward?

Oh, the blizzard's never seen the desert sands

So right now I am totally distracted. I am watching a TED talk that an inspiring young lady, oh god no that sounds WAY to... much like a parent, a rad woman who I work with, sent me. A lot of people tend to pass along inspiring things to me and I am so grateful, a little flattered for some reason but perpetually shocked that people think of me when they are being so deeply moved by something. Of course, yes, I am a little narcissistic.

But... seriously. Enough about me.

So this talk. My favourite line is "So, I have a vulnerability problem". Because I, have a vulnerability problem. (shoot, ok less about me)

Brene Brown is a self proclaimed researcher story teller. She spoke to something very very dear to my heart and the path, the freaking scary hard path, that I am trying desperately to follow. She did a study to try to learn more about shame and whole heartedness and what the distinction is.

She defines shame as the fear of disconnection. Something inherently present in human beings. It is the voice in our heads telling us we aren't worthy, we aren't good enough, pretty enough, skinny, bootylicious, rich, promoted enough. We aren't... blank enough. In order to feel this connection we must be seen, really truly, deeply, seen. And excruciatingly enough. That takes being vulnerable.

Poignantly she spoke to how we, as a society numb. Being vulnerable can come with loss, pain, sadness and a whole load of emotions that are hard to feel. So we drink. We eat. We do drugs. We watch hours of mindless television to make some of this hurt less. For me, when I numb, I make a joke, push it down, cover it up with inauthenticity. But when we numb these feelings we also numb what makes us alive. We stop feeling love, joy, happiness and gratitude.  Then, in our numbness we search fruitlessly for purpose and meaning.

Where she really got me was what differentiates people who live in this reality with the people who live Whole Heartedly. The only real distinguishing factor is that those who live with their whole heart have a sense of worthiness. They truly believe they are worthy of love and belonging. Now, I am lucky enough, and yes, worthy enough, to work for a company who almost hero worship a man named Brian Tracy. We listen to his Phycology of Achievement cds and the crowing moment is always the part where Brian asks his listeners to exclaim  " I like my self, I like myself, I like myself." Cheesy as it sounds, nothing really gets the sense of worthiness going like a good dose of liking oneself in the morning.

To have this Whole Heartedness, Brene describes, one must have courage, compassion and connection. Courage, she defines as telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. Connection she sees as the direct result of authenticity. These three, she tells her listeners, must be fully embraced.  The people who she met who lived their lives with whole heartedness fully embraced what made them vulnerable. What made them vulnerable also made them beautiful, necessary. They understood that being vulnerable meant saying I love you first, it meant doing something with no guarantees, it was a willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

How do we get there? This all sounds pretty sweet to me but what can we do now. Brene leaves the talk with 4 points. 1) Let our selves be deeply seen, be authentic. 2) Love with our whole hearts even with no guarantee 3) To have gratitude and joy even when we are afraid 4) To believe we are enough.


I am grateful that these little touch stones keep landing in my lap. Please keep them coming.

And watch Brene's talk. Epic.

more.

I want it.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

I am spoiled. It is pretty obvious. This Christmas was no exception.

It is Kerrigan family tradition to wake up and open stockings together, eat the only elaborate breakfast we make ourselves all year, open our presents and spend the rest of the day reading, listening to music and watching mindless TV (read: Westminster Dog Show re-run, Shaw Cable Fire Log…). It is truly my favourite day of the year and the only one I feel truly entitled to do EXACTLY as I wish.

After opening gifts as a family we hunkered into our newest books. My mum had heard, on the news earlier, a story about 2 horses stranded on a mountain in North Eastern BC and the town that risked much to save their lives, coincidently, in a Christmas miracle. There are 2 things that make this a unique and inspiring experience. The story was truly a vivid reminder of the miracles that can be created when people work together towards something not expect of them for the good of something greater than themselves.

The horses, Belle and Sundance, were not owned by anyone in the town. They had been abandoned after a pack trip went wrong and when found four months later were so near death that the only reason they weren’t put down on the spot was the men who found them didn’t have a gun on them. What made the situation such a challenge is that it was late December, North Eastern BC is VERY cold and VERY snowy and the horses were trapped up a mountain in a space in the snow not much bigger than a dining room table with no food except each other’s tails. The dedication, commitment, sheer stubbornness and love for something else was what drove the people of the town to dig a trench 6 feet by 3 feet a km long to free two animals from the trap at the top of the mountain.

I lay, wrapped in a blanket, full of cheese, maple sausage, rice flour crepes and a healthy dose of maple syrup just reading this amazing story. For two and a half hours. I haven’t ready anything for two and a half hours that wasn’t my emails in longer than I can remember. I read a WHOLE BOOK. I have not read a whole book start to finish in a long time. I love completing a book. I did something I love and read something so truly inspirational that I was overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend the first part of my day. It was the best Christmas gift I could have asked for.

We Pulled Too Many False Alarms.

I spend approximately 40 minutes in a car every day, Tuesday through Sunday. It used to be on foot. It used to be Sunday through Thursday. Either way. This is MY time.

When I used to walk down 17^th, rain or shine to my little store I would pop my headphones into my ears and instantly be transported. I always felt, with the traffic-y noises of the world shut out, that I was in a movie and the soundtrack was the emphasis in the scene. It was a time where I was transient for 20 minutes each way. In a separate space where I could think, react to what was coming up for me, really get some perspective while not interfering with anyone or any thing else.

In a car it’s a little different, there is that distracting sexiness of driving that trudging down the street doesn’t have. That and the fact that you have to be paying close attention to the road and your surroundings in a way you might not as a pedestrian. Either way it is my time to explore music. I often fall deeply in love with a song while driving the same route to and from work each day and will play it on repeat until I just can’t take it any longer. Right now it is this. As you can likely discern from a number of blog headings. It is this all consuming beautiful thing that on the grey and often dark streets, as I am usually leaving my house around 6 if I am lucky, I can feel emotions pulsing through me, driving me forward to pursue my day. Not just allow it to happen to me. In this holiday season I am grateful for my commute, regardless of mode of transportation.

It's Not a Silly Little Moment, It's Not the Storm Before the Calm

I work retail. For those of you who do too you might commiserate. For those of you who don’t these ideas may be foreign. They will especially confound those of you who are students, teachers, or… those of you who work in non-retail but also non-essential areas. And by non-essential I mean you are LUCKY so don’t take it as a knock… please?

The holidays, as I will generally call them, are the only thing I question about my passion for my career of choice. For most people this time of year is about spending lots of time with family, baking delicious and therefore size increasing treats (for which those of us in the industry of stretchy pants are SO grateful), decorating a tree together, spending time just being with those we truly love. And likely some drinking and celebrating as well. Retail changes this for the people who work its pre-holiday madness. I have missed a few Christmas parties this year, wont get to spend Christmas eve, and a few other holiday weekend the way most will and yeah, it brings me down a little because I DO adore the things we have created traditions from. This year I really let it get me in a place I didn’t want to be. I was a little grumpy feeling that I was missing out on what I felt was the essence of the season.

Fortunately, finally accepting that this was the way it was right now opened up a whole new perspective on what the holidays mean to me. – time with friends and family, value on limited time, digging into what working so much harder over the holidays gives me. I have been so lucky to spend time with new friends and old. It is the simple act of making dinner, sharing a beer or a cup of coffee, watching TV. This is what represents the holiday spirit to me. Lately, through some hard work, I have also managed to actually let people in. I am not so anxious about physical contact, a simply Christmas hug, hand hold, general holiday cuddle. I have allowed people to share in my joys and my frustrations. This has been the miracle this season that has allowed me to appreciate what this time of year is truly about. Working in a high volume retail environment has really taken the excitement of mass consumerism, something that can mark this time of year for many, out of the equation. Instead I am inspired and moved, to spend the precious little time I have not in a mall with the people I care about doing the simple things that might seem mundane to some.

All in all. I am looking for that alpenglow in the winter. The little things, the little signs of the progress I want to be making. May these small holiday joys continue!

Happiness Hit Her Like a Train on a Track.

Sometimes when you least expect it life turns right around.

Ok, always and only when you least expect it life turns right around. Life wasn't too bad. Life is rarely too bad but I was having a bit of a pity party for myself off and on for the last little while. Things are on the upswing. It isn't perfect but life never is. The thing is it is easier to feel inspired lately and, maybe more importantly, to do something with it. I have had the energy and desire to actually go out with my friends, to be at the gym, to do something other than nap when I get home from work...at 4pm. Something seems so simple but is beyond exciting to me.

it is just really nice to feel like I can pretty much do anything.

Your attention's been shifted, you summed up the feeling, with a simple dismissing.

I have a tendency of doing things in a way that is... less than ordinary.

 The other day, I took these shots at a park near my old house...

 ... and locked both sets of car keys in there while I took them

 It made me realize how grateful I am to have my family close by, even if only for a few weeks more

 My mum is tremendously funny, even when stalking a parked car (my... parked car) from across the street.

Sigh... Winter. When will you leave me be? When will you stop surprising me with your beauty?

hands open

Eff. That was the longest day in history. Ok maybe not but I am feeling so un-at peace right now the only thing I could think of to do was this. was write. was right?

It is coming to a point. Usually it is a simple game of what do I kind of like, what do I kind of not like? Does what I kind of like out weigh what I kind of don't like? No. Fix it. Right now it is more like, what do I deeply love doing... what do I deeply need to do? Is the first holding me back from the second? YUP. fix it?... How the heck to I do that? I am not going into details. I am just feeling so full of emotions I could burst. And I did. To the person who likes it least when I cry (in the world, and yes, he hates it more than I do) and in front people who I am not really interested in being seen by like that.

I know it comes down to I want more. I want what is important to me, not just what is a really good fit right now. Even if it is an amazing fit. I want both actually. hmmm. tell me more universe...

Western Promises.

I haven't felt this way in a long time. The tugging at heartstrings, the extra space in my chest, like a vacuum ready to be filled by something great. Something powerful. I am more alert, expectant even. My eyes are clear. I am ready for it. Ready for something more.

This itch, the instinctive need to migrate, to find adventure tends to flow every 4 months or so. I have become adept and hiding the signs, to those around me and my self. Sometimes it shows up in a need to move locations, literally to migrate to some where else. Often it culminates in the end of a relationship, to the detriment of both parties initially but often this gut feeling is indicative that I needed something more, something else. I used to feel it so deeply I never stayed in the same place, same job, same relationship for, what seemed like seconds, longer than that third of a year. 

To me it can be described in two words. Drive. West.

When asked what 'fills me up', what saturates me in the essence of what ever it is that keeps me going? I can always find assurance that I will find it West. It looks like mountain peaks, protective and unruly. It looks like pacific ocean, deep and full of the mysteries of the past. It looks like the forests tall and wise and a sign of a slower moving grace. There are times when the hunt for these things is a hunger, a running to. More often it is a running away, it sure is easy to gain speed out here on the prairies. Last night, as I drove home from the mall at an ungodly hour not too far from midnight, it became increasingly difficult to resist the pull. The deep seeded trust that there is something more. The urge to take Highway 1 West, instead of Bowness Rd East. I am excited. I feel change in the wind, in every breath.

Shut Your Eyes and Think of Somewhere, Somewhere Cold and Caked in Snow.

Yesterday I was driving home after another VERY long day at the "office". I rounded the exit from Memorial onto Crowchild and was blown away with a phenomenon that only seems to happen when our days are the shortest, nights are longest, darkest.  In the mountains they call it Alpenglow, to urbanites it is the golden light which makes the core of our city look like something far greater than steel, concrete and glass, mostly designed somewhere in the middle of the last century. Our winters can be long, cold, grey. Don't get me wrong, we are lucky compared to places where it is longer, colder and greyer but still, this is the time of the year it can be a little bit harder to get through the day with a smile, maybe simply because the days are all a little shorter. This glow was a reminder to me that there is always a little light, always something remarkable even in the time of year Canadians just tend to "get through". This view of my downtown almost brought me to tears. Something so simple as the way the winter light hit the glass that stuck in my brain. The saying, we've all heard probably too many times,  that every cloud has its silver lining. The "Urban" Glow was that silver lining to what is a bit of a tough go lately.

My biggest lesson from this is taking the opportunity to notice my surroundings, take stock of what inspires me. The simpler the better.

The Way You Move Ain't Fair.

We speak so much to the law of attraction at work. Pump the energy and it will bring people into our space. Have great people working for us, more great people will work for us. Lately I have been using this idea of like attracts like to play small. I visualize the parking spot I want and poof! It's mine! Today, after losing the ring my grandmother gave me when I was 16 I imagined it in the palm of my hand and when I went to change into my softest of cotton t's to sleep in I magically felt the ring slip from between my shoulder blades where it had been held by tank top all day and fall through my hair into my hands. Coincidently or not the right people have been coming into my life these days. I need them now. The perspective they have provided. The tools they let me use. It's truly incredible. I have been taking chances, subtle though they may seem to others, and it has been paying off. I am still exhausted. Still unable to do most of what I would like to at the end of the day but I feel like I am on the up swing. I am getting what I need to be myself. So, I need to play big. Attract the things into my life that are truly big. And to be honest, this should be easier than the enormous tangibility of finding a solid piece of silver, or of fitting my loving jay and his volvo x-country sized trunk into an icy mall parking lot on a weekend afternoon. The big things I want are simply the energy to get through a whole day without napping and including a trip to the gym.  I want the motivation to spend time with friends. I want to want to go for long walks and capture the icy winter light with my lens. I want to be fun  again. I WILL be all these things. I will attract them into my life.

It's amazing what a little positive self talk and perspective can do for a girl!

Heart Skipped A Beat. Part 2.

We get asked the question of what do we want to be when we grow up from an impossibly young age. When we are really little our answers are usually extraordinary. I want to be a blue boat. I want to be a princess. I want to go to space. I want to make delicious gluten free desserts (ok, maybe not). The older we get the more expectations tend to be put on us. Go to a good school, get good grades, go to a good university, graduate with a decent ( or better) GPA, become a doctor, lawyer, business person. Become an accountant. Set your goals so you can do all these things then perhaps marry another doctor, lawyer, business person. If your lucky, marry an accountant. Better yet, a civil servant. They have amazing pensions. Buy a house with 3 bedrooms for your 2 kids and get a hypo-allergetic dog. And this is OK. This is great. IF and only IF this is what truly makes  you happy. This is what truly lights you up.

I had never really heard of following my bliss until I spent 200 hours with a tried and true blissologist. I had always felt uncomfortable and un motivated by expectations I didn't place on myself (but allowed to perpetuate by goal setting). I had always put off this lifestyle saying " oh i will go back to school after taking a year off", "I will be a lawyer but first I just want to try a few things on". Previously people had started to help me open up to the idea that there was more than just one way of doing things. One night we were sitting around the blissology table talking about 'what lights us up'. i was frantic with worry that I didn't have a 'good one'. People were passionate about a lot of things but I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure what really got me fired up. It came to me as a sudden winter storm on the ocean. I was truly living in the moment, truly inspired and happiest when I had a camera in my hands or I was inspiring others. These things got me talking with my hands, a sure sign that I am more excited than I can even let on through tone and facial expression. The more we talked about our bliss the more I could see people's true purpose in life. I could see what they were truly meant to do here.

To further my study of following my bliss I picked up a copy of Joseph Campbell's Power of Myth. He, as someone truly living bliss, or doing what he was meant to do, puts it all into perspective. His teachings put into perspective and added a level of academia to the discussion.

At the end of the day living a life following ones bliss is meaningful, it's powerful, it's FUN. And when all our goals align with our passion then... well then we almost have it figured out. Don't you think?

I bet this mighty river's both my saviour and my sin.

I dream of ski bindings.

The feeling of my toe solidly in place and the resistance on my heel until... it just clicks. Visually the image runs through my brain daily, or even twice, from June until late October. I can see it happen like an out of body experience, I can hear it... that heavy click that connects boot to binding, like the subtle mechanics of the shutter of my camera, the tool of the artist in place. I can feel it. I feel it in every part of my body like the muscles, tendons and bones of my legs, back, shoulders, they were born to step into bindings. Weird I know.

In late October I start to dream of it. In November the muscle memory floods my conscious and sub conscious. If I haven't stepped in by December I go into overload. This simple action breathes meaning, passion, purpose into my life.

Today was my day. I pulled my boots on like I had taken them off days before, perhaps after dropping into something ballsy then eating shit at Kicking Horse. I felt energy for the first time in weeks. Like some one had plugged me in after letting the battery run too low. I finished kitting up and finally went to step in, the moment I clearly had been waiting for all season. Low and behold, the spots for my boots to click into were flipper sized. If you know anything about me you may know my nick name is little foot. It speaks to my hoof sized feet. Clearly the handsome and witty boys at Ski Cellar had cleaned my bindings but had neglected to put them back where they needed to be. Sadly in that moment there was not boot to binding love for me.

Fortunately it was a stunning day and being the overly solution focused person I am went to get them adjusted at the rental shop.
There are three things, other than boot size, that someone adjusting bindings needs to know.
1) how much I weigh
2) how tall I am
3) how well I ski.
Without even a moments hesitation I let my ego step right up. I lied about all three. Now, a word of warning when it comes to lying about things that affect how your skis pop off when they need to PLEASE don't exaggerate your lie or you WILL get hurt. eff. So, back to the story, without a moments hesitation I told the very nice and reasonably handsome boy that I weighed 5 pounds less than I do in reality, I mentioned I was half an inch taller (really!! WHO CARES!) and told him I was a pretty good skier. I think he sensed I was full of shit and asked if I felt comfortable on any of the black runs here at Nakiska. Realizing he was about to give me a lighter din setting that was probably necessary for what I intended to ski this season I replied that I was very comfortable on the double blacks at Kicking Horse, within reason of course. The funniest thing about this whole situation was the acknowledgement that my ego is always there, even when I don't need to be, even when it makes NO SENSE. It was such a poignant moment. There is always work to be done on this.

Needless to say I eventually got up. Into my bindings and out on to the hill. I know this is what makes me happy. It lights me up. I was born to do it. And with my quads burning with the build up of lactic acid from under use this past month I swore to squats and stair-master at the gym this week. Slowly building up so i will progress this year. The only words to describe the singing in my heart. The peace in my mind are: I fucking love skiing.

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream.

Big goals are scary. Sometimes I like to set goals that to me seem unattainable because part of me seems to be certain I will never achieve them. It seems like an easy way to get out of it, impossibly lofty goals don't really have to be reached. No matter how many people are on the team getting there. Today, well today was different. We got there. We didn't really know it had even happened until it hit us like a transport truck on a slick highway (holy metaphors batman). One minute our freezing feet were heading to my frosty car, post race of course, and suddenly we were jumping up and down laughing almost to the point of joyous tears in the parking lot. It happened. That goal we set out in July happened. The goal that was so big I tried, impossibly hard, to give up countless times. It kept drawing us in like moths to a flame, like deer to a salt lick, like me to the Ship on a friday night. The unbelievable thing was it just kept snowballing. One thing lead to another and I found myself tearing up, while I watched the team we has so lovingly picked and developed doing exactly what we had picked them and developed them to do. I am sure I have no idea what real parents feel like when their children do amazing things like walk their first steps or go on their first dates with handsome young men but today, tonight, I couldn't have been more proud of our team, where we came from and where we are now.

Soberly, I know we have work to do. I know we are not perfect. There will be more slogging, constant diligence to creating greatness but even if it was just for 10 hours or so, we know it is there. We can do it again and again and then this is what will be mediocre and greatness will be something more.

I am in love. I am truly blessed by the people in my life. Today, in its entirety, is the reason it never let me give up.

You are the best thing that's ever been mine.

Sweet sweet day. There is often a point where something shifts in me. Like the flick of a switch and suddenly like flood lights coming on over a dark field, everything is bright as day. These are the moments that I know I will reach what I have set out for myself. The rare flittering glimpses at a flowing clarity. Often I find I think too hard. Try to get the right answers to come at the right times. or at least I think their right. I want them to be so. Something about today just clicked. The words, the ideas, the lofty strategies seemed to flow through me and for that. For that I am so grateful.

To be honest, the two things holding me back are my frustrating health and my photos. I want both to be vivacious, electric, driving what I do daily. I have taken the first step to getting health back. I filled out 10 (what seemed to be 10 thousand) pages of medical history before I am off the the naturopath tomorrow and hopefully she will give me some insight into what ever is holding me back. My photography on the other hand... I know I need to dedicate more time but i am just so darn excited about all the other wonderful projects that I can't seem to wrap my mind around sitting behind a screen for long periods of time editing tiny works of art.

sigh. Such a full day. Such a long day.