Je besoin les nuages OR The burning house.

Je besoin les nuages. Roughly translated (or less than roughly according to my yoga teacher) I need the clouds. Living in Vancouver, and just living life, this is so true. We talk so much about seeking light, seeking shiny happiness but sometimes we forget that we need the dark as well. We need the valleys to recognize the peaks, we need the clouds to remind us of the brilliant sun and not to waste its precious days. We also need clouds because they bring rain (and snow) and wash away the dirt and grit. It is the cloudy days that provide us with the opportunity to snuggle under a blanket and read a good book or watch that movie we have been dying to see. I need the clouds.


This evening I came across a blog. The Burning House. The premise is "If your house was burning, what would you take with you? It's a conflict between what's practical, valuable and sentimental. What you would take reflects your interests, background and priorities. Think of it as an interview condensed into one question."


This idea has plagued me since I was a child and packed a backpack full of the things I could not bear to lose in a fire. Just in case. I think this idea is a beautiful one. If you had to pare your life down to only what you could hold in your arms what would it look like. How simply would you live holding what you value most with your own two hands? I wrote a month or so back at the wonder I was in that my whole world fit in a station wagon. This is the next level. How would I define myself with what I would save. This comes back to the idea of needing clouds. The thought of such a loss as a fire is not one we often like to think about, or at least I don't. But the idea of searching through our values and what we identify with is a beautiful process. I am going to think on this but I can say for sure I would save these:


- My Rebel Xsi
- My little point and shoot
- This little red computer filled with my images and my words
- My Molskine journal
- My cowboy hat - I am a prairie girl at heart.


... What would you save from a burning house?

When I practice, I come home.

As I sit here watching the dragon boats go by, the Yaletown dogs going for their evening walks, I am sticking to my guns on this whole path of least resistance, going with the flow of life thing.


It is falling into place and I can see the bigger picture a little more clearly. I am starting to see that when things are right they do come a little easier. Once again, being honest, laying the cards on the table, works when what you are going after is in line with what you really want. Trying to cover up the parts of your life and yourself that you think aren't gets you only so far. Being honest and embracing them creates the opportunity for greatness. ACTUAL greatness. The kind of greatness where you freakout a little in awe that you are getting exactly what you want and were always afraid to ask for for fear of falling flat.  Now I am not saying this is a fool proof method. That being vulnerable in combination with confidence will get you anything. If that was true I would have a pony. And maybe that coral coloured blazer I am coveting from aritzia. If it is not right this doesn't work. If the job, the boy, the what-ever isn't what is meant for you then it isn't going to happen this easily.  


I wont lie a lot of hard work is going into this too. Giving it up, taking a risk, working hard for something is essential but when it works out and you are still happy and reasonably balanced at the end of the day just be grateful and take it. Be happy. Go with the flow. Take your failures (they are not bad) and your lessons learned and your hard work and get what you want. 


So Vancouver is warming on me needless to say. Delicious affordable sushi (literally 5 places within a block of me), beautiful scenery, amazing opportunities. I am getting back to a consistent yoga practice and am reminded of all the things I love about it. Despite this, and the view this evening I still miss the Alberta sky.


‎"I come from the prairies. When I practice, I come home. Home to the familiar expanse of a never-ending sky. Home to solid land that stretches in all directions. Home to a place in my heart that is always there, no matter where I am." - Ingrid Nilson

Raise your glass.

I had my perfect Vancouver moment tonight. Walking out of the sky train station the salt air and cool breeze hit my nostrils. After a couple wonderful but tumultuous days I finally felt like I was home. It feels like this is becoming my city.

Making 'grown up' decisions and dealing with their consequences is something I am getting used to these days and the confidence that comes with making these choices is starting cause and upward spiral. The right choices are tough, there will be downs with the ups but I found that when I am pursuing what truly resonates with me it flows. Things just work out. Maybe not at the time I want them to but they do work out.

The good news keeps rolling in and I am going to be in this city for at least the next year and a half. I hung my first piece of art on the wall. Something that I was avoiding doing, always having thoughts of going home in the back of my mind. Not willing to put down roots. Now I see it is essential. If I am to grow, to get anywhere here I need to start.

Since the end of February I have been holding on to the idea that everything is ok. That I just go with the flow, let life happen to me. It has been driving me a little crazy, pushing down the fear of the uncertainty as much as I could just to keep afloat. Now that my future, at least the next year and a half or so, are spread out before me, all those built up nerves are finally letting go. A bit of an overwhelming process but I feel so much better for it. I have the weekend ahead to put down some solid foundations, pick up some misplaced pieces and start creating.

I am incredibly grateful for everyone who helped me get here. Without this amazing support I don't know what would have happened. Now I look forward to the next step, to paying it back, to paying if forward.

Just around the river bend.

Today was long but today was inspiring. 

Have you ever taken a long shot? Done something that felt so right but was next to impossible to describe to others? Risked it all and just hoped and prayed it was all going to work out?

Yup. me too. Today the pieces started to fall into place. I have never done something like this with no back up plan. Just hoping that it would all work out and trying hard to believe it would. As I drove home from an interview for the school of my dreams I was moved, almost to tears. I had always seen myself as middle of the pack and today I realized that I didn't have to be. I was exceptional. We all are really. 

As I write this I can hear the horns honking, the people cheering, life is sweet. The president's trophy winning team are also the Western Conference champs. That is what believing you are great gets you. That is what greatness inspires in those around you. In a city. 

Tired, Big, Love. And my favourite Disney tune. A little cheesey but that is just what I need to end today.

Maybe it's the warmer climate. Maybe it's the beer I'm drinking.

It's a little late. I should, as per usual, be doing many things that are not blogging. I take that back. This is how I communicate, this is how I think things through. This is where I celebrate.

Life is on the upswing again. Enough sources told me to be patient, to wait, that all things come when they are meant to if they are meant to. Some job opportunities are on the horizon and there is interest from businesses in my fine skills. School is looking more promising as well. As are rekindling old friendships and sparking new ones.

It is sunny again. Can you tell?

We're young enough to say.

Be still. Look inside. Trust the universe. All will come.

I am introspective to a fault. Usually I am adding meaning where it doesn't exist. My mind runs a mile a minute. I end up blogging at 11:30 when I should be in bed. Or better yet, out. Signs all point to taking time, to letting the future come to me instead of constantly chasing it, exhausting myself in the process. To breathing, stop stressing over what I can't control. To seeing the beauty in uncertainty and darkness just as in light.  It would have been great to remember this today.

Today came with disappointment, with grey sky, with missed connections, with news from home that just didn't fit. I didn't feel myself, still recovering from what every violent illness has found its way in yesterday. Food poisoning now officially ruled out.

I spent a few hours at the Vancouver Art Gallery, an incredible space with some phenomenal exhibitions. Part of the Ken Lum exhibit was a mirror maze. It was bright and fun at first, never really knowing if what was in front of you was a mirror or part of the path through. 12 mirrors were numbered, each had a statement across them. The 12 signs of depression. It was unnerving and beautiful. In this maze of fractured self it was easy to relate to the signs, not necessarily because of a true depressed state but simply because I was looking into a mirror and clearly labelled with words "I can't sleep at night" or " I feel alone in the world". I would recommend it to anyone who is in town. Just try not to go when it is so gloomy out. It did let me look at how lucky I am even on my down days. I am blessed with amazing friends who refuse to give up on me no matter how hard I try to do it all on my own.

My best friend spent her afternoon coaching me for an upcoming interview and driving me to the grocery store. I felt so loved just having someone to connect with. And at the end of the day, no the world didn't end, that is all I can ask for. Someone to talk to, to sit with, to explore what this city and this world have to offer.

Oh and an amazing young woman from home sent me this. It lifted my spirits. Love.

I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose

So I hear the world is ending tomorrow... or on October 21st 2011... or on December 21st 2012. Anyway any day I got to thinking. If I only had another 21 hours to live (oh yes, the world is ending tomorrow at 6pm. Yes, in every time zone) would I have any regrets? Anything I would scramble to complete?

As days go, today would be a pretty great last one. I spent the morning going for coffee and walking in the sun with my sister followed by a delicious and totally affordable sushi lunch. We then met up with my best friend and spent the afternoon chatting, laughing, catching up and... getting a good mani-pedi. It is still sunny here, brilliant days and long afternoon walks by the ocean with puppies.  I talked to my mum, wrote, took pictures, smiled, let the sun hit my skin. Life is good. Life is sweet. So if this had to be my last day then I would say, no regrets.

Big picture I would like to have another beer on a patio, I would sail a boat again, ride a horse and a motorcycle. I would probably drive my car fast with the windows down, I would definitely skinny dip. There are people I would call, tell them how much they really mean to me, changed my life, how much I love them, how I have for a long time and I would tell the people who I never found the time or words to say it to.

It's a comforting feeling to know that if the world really was to end tomorrow I would be ok. Probably underwater and not breathing so much but there are very few things left undone. The things I have left, there are not so hard to accomplish in theory, a few phone calls, not many more than a handful of words. Some of them I will make, some of them I will continue to put off the way I have for this long. Seems that even the end of the world isn't enough to allow my self to be that vulnerable.

So here's to tomorrow. See you all on the other side. The other side of what? Likely, tomorrow afternoon.

Big Love to all of you.

Come lay with me on the ground

The sun makes all the difference here. Walking home along the bridge yesterday and running on the sea wall this afternoon I passed people in sweaters and light jackets. It wasn't scorching hot but definitely warm and really sunny for the first time since I moved so my skin craved freedom. Shorts and tank tops it had to be. I couldn't help but smile feeling the sea breeze on my collar bones, shoulder blades, on bare legs. As a good Calgarian I have been conditioned to never take a moment of good weather for granted.

Yesterday I was also lucky enough to reconnect with a soul sister. I really don't think there is anyway else to describe her. Our sunny afternoon coffee date turned into coffee downtown, a stroll through Yaletown, a walk along the ocean, a boat trip, lunch and ring and wine and candied salmon shopping on Granville Island. There is something so special about this lady! Maybe it is her penchant for feather earrings and asymmetrical mullety hair cuts or maybe it is because I can rely on her to yell at me when I am being completely ridiculous and then laugh with me every other moment. It was a special way to explore the city. I am grateful.

The sun has also led me to be considerably more productive than I had been in the rain. I transformed a relatively unused part of our tiny apartment into a tiny yoga and studio space. Luckily it is the sunniest part of our place and, surrounded by trees, it feels like you are up in a tree house. Perfect for creating and meditative moments in the hustle and bustle of this city.

Basically life is good, summer needs to stay but with the realization that I could have both my cake (Calgary) and eat it too (Vancouver) life is starting to fill up again.

Sigh. City Love.

Calgary.

Sometimes it just sneaks up on you. The right song for the right moment. I know this is what I will listen to next time I walk home watching the sun set over the water, through the clouds, on the snow capped peaks. It will be beautiful and lift my heart and I know a smile will cross my lips. And even then I know my heart knows what this song is named. It recognizes the light in the notes. 

The Storm Before the Calm

We've all heard it before. It is darkest before the dawn. John Mayer sang about the storm before the calm. Calgarians know about cold snaps quickly turning to brilliant weeks of sun. Sometimes this is life. Things cling more tightly when they know they will be let go. We've all been in relationships that get serious in hopes of trying to save what is already over. Sometimes it lasts for a little while, drawn out, making more of it that is really there but in the end it is alway let go. Usually you don't have to hold onto what is meant to be, it just kind sticks around. Turning up when you need it and most often when you don't expect it to.

I have been holding on, fingernails dug deep into my old life. I've been comparing everything here to what I had before. My living arrangements, neighbourhood, the way people dress and behave, the food, pubs. Everything. It was the storm. Clinging to what worked before and not letting anything else in. It has been exhausting and heart breaking all at once.

A few years ago I was exposed to a way of looking at life. We have only now, this way of thinking describes. We have nothing else. Our past can not hold onto us and we can not look into the future with  fear and "but, what if's". Simply in this moment this is it and everything else is a possibility we can create for ourselves. This weekend started off with phone calls and texts from home. Everyone was going to our tried and true local pub. One of the things I miss most about home was my regular friday nights there. The beer flowed, the boys we cute, my friends were there. What more could a girl ask for to start the weekend off? As I rashly looked up flights home for the evening my sister asked me to go to a concert with her instead. A much more affordable option I took her up on it. Now, please note that I am not trendy. I am not a music guru. I do not speak french well. Ok, at all. We showed up at a downtown venue after I had a wardrobe crisis. I knew that my friday night uniform was jeans, boots, t-shirts and either flannel or hoodie but had no idea what the 'cool kids' were wearing these days. Well it turns out I didn't get it right but what I did find was once I let go of the idea that my Friday nights had to consist of drinking the same beer with the same people at the same pub (and yes I LOVE that) I actually had a pretty good time. I danced to some rad songs, none of which I understood as they were all in french, spent quality time with my sister and experienced something I never would have done on my own.

Last night was another such moment. I saw Bridesmaids with my best friend. She is pregnant and the baby has just started to move around enough for people to feel it. In the middle of the movie she reached over, grabbed my hand and put it on her belly. In that moment I could feel a tiny foot or hand in my palm. That was being in the moment, that was creating possibilities. I was moved and I think I get that while I feel I am letting go of parts of home I am making room, creating space for different and amazing things to enter my life.  Waking up this morning, without really reflecting on any of this I took off to try a coffee shop I have walked by a hundred times in the past few weeks. I picked up a delicious and foamy cappuccino and strolled down to the water. For some reason the drizzle really had started to wash away some of the meaning I had unnecessarily added to places, people and things. I didn't need to cling so hard, I would always value and love what is just east of the Rockies but I needed to make room to let new things in.  All this has to do with being vulnerable. I don't like to get hurt and I don't like to lose things or people. When I am uncomfortable I close up. Hermit. I don't speak up, I don't let anyone in. I know now that after two weeks of this it really doesn't work. I have amazing friends, coffee shops and pubs all over the world and being attached to them doesn't mean I can't find new ones too.

Long story short I am slowly allowing the light in, new people and experiences.

Get out there and tell your story in your photographs.

After a sleepless night, (reasons listed: noisy upstairs neighbors, bustling rainy streets below, night buses outside my window, multitude of thoughts racing though my head) this morning had a less than promising future. I woke up to the sound of rain washing away the city grime from the day before, making greens greener and flowers bloom under the gray of the sky. Yesterday had been a step in the right direction. Still high from the upward spiral of the day before, I found myself happy and looking forward to being in the city. Less focused on what was, more on what was might be. Ahhh possibilities.

This morning I had bold intentions of finding a job, all or nothing. Instead of finding a job I had an opportunity to face the choices I have made recently and be completely honest about why I made them. I didn’t have the time or luxury to be attached to the outcome, to twist my words to enable me to ‘look good’. It was just me, facing up to the mistakes and bold steps I had made this year. Nothing else. It was not nearly as fun as it sounds. I did learn a few things: 1) I will be a better business women that I had ever truly believed 2) I make good choices and shouldn’t doubt myself 3) Space and time will teach me patience. Lastly, when in doubt look to what inspires you. For me, after a bit of a shaky start it was sitting in a coffee shop, drinking a cappuccino from a tiny cup while the rain poured outside and reading.  Joseph Campbell and his work “The Power of Myth” are a touchstone in my life. A book so full of wisdom there is one chapter that speaks to the importance of following your bliss. Do what you love. What came up for me, going through the first few chapters was this:

-       It is the imperfections in life that are lovable.

-       There is no meaning, it is just there. That is it and your own meaning is that you are there.

-       Read myths, they teach that you can turn inwards and begin to get the message that was meant for you.

At the end of the day when the chips are down sometimes it can be hard to remember what you stand for, what the big picture is. Take a step back, remind yourself what you want in life and get back on the path. When everything else falls away I am so grateful for my loving family, for my amazing friendships, for the journey (even though I don’t like going through the process right now). So sitting in that little coffee shop in the rain here is what came to me.

Go, go and take pictures. Get out there and tell your story in your photographs.

I think that is just what I will do.

We'd Look Good Side by Side Walking Back to the Hotel

Albert Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. A close friend and fellow insane person posted in her own blog 'Intricate and Simple' this morning on the same subject. It got me thinking, thinking about how I beat my head against a wall sometimes thinking that at any moment I will be able to walk through, or better yet get a job, accepted into school, find love, be successful and be a really fast runner. Einstein surely would laugh.


I also got to thinking about all the changes I have made and the expectations of new results I attached to them. I left my job, the one I loved, the one that changed me, the one that I held onto longer than anything else. Ever. I left my city that I had fallen head over heels for. I left my friends. The ones who I grew up with, and I really don't mean went from being children to teens or young adults with, I mean the ones who I played big with, made mistakes, learned from. We manned up and grew up together.


I had big expectations for all of this. Life was going to be perfect. Life was going to be different. The funny thing is that while I made these grand gestures to the gods of change and results maybe they weren't the changes that Einstein was talking about. Changing where you live doesn't fix all the things that were holding you back in the place where you came from. It's like cutting your hair and expecting the cost of oil to go down (yes, that intense randomness was intentional). If you want to find a job go look, learn interview skills, do a little research. Change those areas that you want to see change in. Then maybe some results will surface. 


All in all, I don't mean to belittle the choices I have made. I am a big supporter of learning from everything and against some of my training, I believe that most things happen for a reason, even if that reason is to teach you don't need to add meaning to everything. The best decision, the change that created a leap instead of a step in the direction I envision for myself, was letting go of my career that I clung to and creating the space for everything to fall into place. But you probably already knew that. It was changing the right thing for the right results. Some of my other choices... not so much.


Lastly, today was a good day. Patience is a virtue I rarely posses with myself. I like things to happen now. I have been beating my head against that previously mentioned wall waiting for it to all change.  This morning it did. School is much closer to becoming a reality than I had anticipated. Knowing I am one step closer to a path has me excited to stop wandering aimlessly without a compass. I also picked up the June edition of the Yoga Journal this morning. No big deal, flipping through was my first published photo! (Page 35, June 2011 issue) I had been anxiously awaiting this moment since January. All this good news had me reflecting further on Einstein's definition. Maybe it is letting go of what doesn't serve us, maybe it is changing the things we want to be different in our lives, and likely it is having patience with ourselves and the universe while we wait for what will happen next.


Big love from West coast.

At this moment from where I sit none of it seems real.

Tonight I miss the sky.

I went to university out East, or central Canada as Easterners call it... well and those from central Canada. Pretty much anyone not from Alberta and BC. It was there that I learned about Mycenaean pottery, boxed wine, and living with 5 other university students. It was also where I learned to appreciate the wonders that Western Canada offers. I grew up falls, winters, springs in Calgary and spent my summers in various small towns on the coast. Growing up my parents would say "look at how beautiful the mountains are! Look at the ocean! Look at the sky!" Though not often at the same time. I never really got it until I came home from  school for Thanksgiving of first year and suddenly I was blown away by them. I couldn't get enough and soon spent too much time away from school and outside, home, west.

There is nothing like the light in Calgary, especially in the evening. There is nothing like the Alberta sky.  Cerulean is the only colour that comes close. Expansive is an understatement. When I am away it is the thing that I miss. That tugs at my heart and draws me home. Tonight I miss the sky.

Perfect is Boring.

So yesterday I was pretty much the ugliest version of myself. My hair looked fine yes, and I pulled off my lovely new scarf but, as a human being, I kind of sucked at life. I let go of all the training, all the wisdom that I had collected over the last few years and just had a full on pitty party. I get it, we are allowed these  once in a while, but it is just a version of myself I am adverse to. Funny enough, that makes me even more upset.

The lovely thing about days like that is that they are usually a good kick in the pants. I woke up this morning understanding what must be done. Just pull up my socks and stop putting off what I can control. That and run. Running always seems to solve the issues of life.

I also saturated myself in quotes. I know it might sound cheesy, or corny (why do all references to something sentimental and a little stereotypical involve food?) but reading the wise words of those who came before always gives me perspective, often makes me smile and sometimes moves me to inspiration.

Here are some from yesterday. ( I will give credit where it is known, sorry about the rest of you!)

"Perfect is Boring"

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." - Thomas A. Edison

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." -Albert Einstein

"‎Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars."

"Most of us give up too early, failure is absolute essential in life. If we never fail, how can we possibly succeed? Cause we can only extend ourself to the limit of what we know, failure teaches us what we dont know. Of course you're gonna fall down, but its your way, and when you reach the end, you'll get something." - Bryce Courtenay

"How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them." - Benjamin Franklin

"You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honour." - Aristotle

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - E. E. Cummings

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis

"Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?"

"Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and good things will be yours.
" - Swedish Proverb 

“You get to the top and it’s just flat up there. There’s nothing there. So it’s how you climb there, how
you got there is what’s important.” -Yvon Chouinard

"Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are beginning to find out that going to the mountain is going home; that wildness is necessity; that mountain parks and reservations are useful not only as fountains of timber and irrigating rivers, but as fountains of life."

“There’s nothing more dangerous than someone who wants to make the world a better place.” –Banksy

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." -

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Where you are is never who you are. You are always more. Infinitely more."

What these are all saying is that it is who you choose to be that defines who you are and where you are going. Perfect is boring and being vulnerable is exciting. Makes those rough days a little smoother don't you think?

Open up, everything's waiting for you

Flipping through some of my books while unpacking last night I came across a passage.

"What you resist will persist! What you fear most is what you will become. Here is the lesson... Stop talking about what horrible things are happening and get rid of "what if" in our vocabulary. [Stop] trying to exercise your control over that which is not yet to form - the future. Stop now! Write your fears down and be willing to feel them. Breathe into them, and feel them running through your body into the earth as a give-away."

Though life is sweet and I feel I have nothing to complain about, nothing near 'horrible' that the passage refers to, I am filled with fear of the unknown. My first inclination is to try to control the crap out of it. Or avoid it completely, which ever is easier. Often both.  So I did what the book told me, making a list of all the things that filled me with fear. Putting them on paper allowed me to let go a little bit, enough to get to sleep that is. This afternoon I was explaining the process to a friend and she helped me to the vital realization. Most of what I was afraid of I had no control over, I had done my part and time would be the only thing that could provide results. WHY on earth was holding on so tightly? The few things I could control on the list are easy enough to do so and so I will. I am not likely to let go of that which I can not control right away but having an awareness will allow me to stress less. That is the game plan anyway. 

Do you want in on the list? here it is.

- Not getting into school

- Starting a new degree in a field I have no formal education in

- Not finding a job I enjoy

- Being brand new at a job

- Not finding the connections with people here that I crave, losing the connections that I left

- The possibility of having to hurt someone, the possibility of getting hurt by someone

- Getting off at the wrong stop on the bus ( Success! Today I got over this one thanks to an iPhone and some good friends!)

- Not surviving here

- Never going back

- Losing what I left behind

- Never reaching my full potential

- Losing my sense of Home

- Earthquakes in this crazy province! 

So take heed, take heed of the western wind take heed of the stormy weather

Bob Dylan has always played a pretty significant part in my young life. Always a favourite of my dad I fell in love with Dylan when I was travelling asia. His lyrics, voice, harmonica all brought a nostalgia to the surface that I could not resist. With over 40 albums there was a song for every occasion. As I started to dig a little deeper into what could be offered I stumbled upon this, my favourite of his songs. ( the best version I could find..)

There is something lonesome about our transient lives these days. With so many connections to people all across the globe it is easy to be attached to those we leave behind or away and also easy to let the distance grow into silence. This song spoke to this so clearly. Sometimes it pulls too hard at my heart strings and the low feelings sink lower, and yet other times it gives me this great sense of hope. Leaving one connection, letting it stretch thin in exchange for new adventures, new worlds, greater treasures.

The thing about Dylan is that his music has seen me through the best and worst of times. Listening to his lyrics has given me perspective when I had none, made me laugh when that was all I needed. They have helped me fall in love. They have helped me arrive at ski hills safely. Though 2 of the clips I share with you are not actually his voice it is clear that his words continue to evolve in our changing times. Big Love.

And one more for good measure. (yup Bobby D himself.)

 Lyrics for Boots of Spanish Leather here. For Girl of the North Country here. For Times they are a Changing here.

Searching for grumps.

I don’t often write in the mornings but today I woke up tangled in headphones, my computer humming next to my newly opened eyes, reading glasses errantly waiting on the sheets where my out stretched hand had lay last night. I had fallen asleep in the middle of something. It rarely happens to me, as least since I finished my undergrad.

I got home just after 11 last night… maybe closer to 12. It was a night that helped me see clearly. Sometimes you don’t know why you’ve done something until, in one moment, it all becomes strikingly clear. It doesn’t feel right and you (yes, I) feel completely crazy then, like lightning out of a bluebird sky, you just get it.

I have a group of friends who have known me through all my triumphs and my entire history of epic fails. They have loved me unconditionally and yet, have always been completely honest with me. I have one friend in particular who I have an unspoken bond. It is the kind of friendship we just took up. Like the quote about greatness – some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them, we were thrust into friendship. Whether or not we liked it, trapped together as we sometimes joked, for 10 weeks one summer it became a bond that would be impossible to break. He is the one person who could make a seemingly unreasonable act like flying across the country in my last week of classes in my final year of university seem impossible to ignore. I would be lying if I said that moving west didn’t have to do with being closer to this friendship, being closer to seeing his young daughter grow up. The other friendships I have out here are equally hard to ignore. Last night, surrounded by this it became crystal clear. I am here because they are this important to me. They are the life I need and want and I couldn’t live without that any longer. I am saturated by love and support and the hope and promise of what is to come. Without the coffee shop friendships, being a restaurant regular, without even knowing where to get groceries I have a community here. Different yes, but a community all the same.

When I got home I was unsettled. I was overwhelmed with happiness at being back with a group of people I am so connected with but something was missing. A long conversation with a dear friend put some of what I left behind into perspective. I walked away with a greater sense of context but with a less clear view of where I fit into it. So, as I do whenever I need my heart to skip a beat or to find truth and beauty in my own life, I watched One Week. It just felt like it was the right time to be inspired by someone else’s journey with direction but without destination. Ben, the protagonist is, among other things, searching for Grumps, a mythological creature from his childhood that came to represent living life the way it was meant to be lived, for our selves. Grumps eludes Ben for the greater part of the movie and only when he is at the end of the country with out anything but the clothes on his back and completely alone and at peace does he find what he is looking for, able then to go home and get treatment for the cancer he is battling. Is Grumps extinct? Have we stopped looking? I feel the pull of something else out there, that is why I write, why I take pictures, why I feel drawn to places and people without reason. That is why I came West. Just searching for Grumps.