love don't live here anymore

I have been living with a weighty choice for years now. Something that lays heavy on my heart like a warm hudson's bay blanket. I have ran to and from both options. Each bares with it lusty highs and sinking lows. The great debate.

Will it be Vancouver, home of the gray, annoying hockey fans, and that intangible feeling that makes me understand in my heart that I am home?

Or is it Calgary, brash, freezing, an unmistakable down home, small town feeling and surrounded by all. that. prairie?

Seriously the list of pros for Vancouver is lengthy.
- My career goals would be significantly easier to achieve living in the city of yoga and head-stretchy-pant-offices.
- My dearest friends reside between water and mountains, for the most part. And I miss them
- I would get to see my favourite fake niece and her father would stop harassing me to come visit
- Running by the ocean. Enough said.
- Being near my dearest childhood kindred spirit
- Cheap. Sushi.
- Ferries.
- Squamish MacDonalds.
- Howe Sound.
- My yoga family.
- That inexplainable feeling of getting off the plane at YVR and knowing I am both at home and starting out on a great adventure at the same time.
- The cost of living would cut down on my consumption and my waistline

Why Van is Loco.
- Grey. Gray. Gris.
- Damp. Wet. Un-dry.
- Parking = seriously?
- Driving is a kin to taking ones life into ones hands.
- HST
- The cost of living would cut down on my consumption and my waistline
- The cost of losing some of the magic by being a permanent resident
- Canucks
- Canucks fans

... ah my inability to stay awake for long periods of time is taking over. Tomorrow night... Calgary!

I'm just a dreamer, but I'm hanging on

The Hangover is easily one of my favourite movies. It, along with a singular episode of How I Met Your Mother (the Jessica Glitter and Robin Sparkles duo can't be topped) can lift my mood no matter how deep in it I am in. There is something so endearing about 4 boys (and no, I don't mean men) on a quest for something greater than themselves with diminished capacity to do so (based on being intensely drugged, drunk and most likely exhausted the night before their great adventure). I felt a great camaraderie with the hangover boys today as I watched the movie for what seemed like the thousandth time and not because of our previous evenings. While they had the night of their lives I have had a weary few weeks fighting off what I can only assume is the flu. They didn't catch a wink of sleep... it seems as though that is all I do, though I do enjoy the luxurious idea of naps it is getting a little bit old. They didn't feel so hot during the day, me neither. I will admit though that minor flu symptoms, even for prolonged periods of time, is WAY better than heat stroke, pulled teeth and the worst hangover in the history of movie making.

Beyond the jokes I am incredibly frustrated. It is a challenge to be awake long enough to put in a day at work and when I get home I simply fall on the couch and sleep. This is NOT who I am, not who I want to be. My weekends are filled with long naps, lethargy  and a complete inability to do the things I want to to the extent I wish to do them. I am not sick enough to feel like I can't but I am feeling too exhausted to do.

Lastly, I don't complain. Or at least not often. I am looking for a solution and any help  you have would be SO welcome. I am eating as cleanly as I can ( I know that's not too specific or measurable). Get as much sleep as is available to me (at least 8 hours!). I am practicing very gentle yoga, drinking lots of tea, oil of oregano and all my vitamins. Help a sister out!

Peace and love... and I hope if you are under the weather it is as a result of an epic hangover and not a never ending flu...

And the best one of the year, dozing off underneath my sheets

There are events in our lives that are so synchronistic that it is hard to put into words how truly impactful they are. Some events that you or I many only realize the impact of days, months or decades down the road. Then, yes then, there are events so inspiring it is impossible not to believe they will impact your life for the best in that very second. These are the moments that you clearly see that when you are in the middle of it all this experience is already transforming your cells, your mind, your future. Tonight I got to live this full on.  I was lucky enough to spend my evening with the best view in the city surrounded by the most  influential, driving, motivating and inspiring athletes, leaders, in our community. They are celebrities in their chosen professions. They change others, give them the tools to transform their lives, them selves. It is amazing. These are the funniest, most charismatic people in existence and I spent a night with them. Then, as if that wasn't enough, I got to chat with the 2 people whose jobs i would most like to be mine. They sat there and supported me in all my questions, never flinching at the thought that i wanted to sit where they are, instead excited that they love their jobs enough that someone else would want to take it on when their goals become realities.

I know I can be more. I know I can achieve all I set out to. Not just for me. Not for me at all. For you. For us.

Oh yeah, and one of those amazing people passed along this. Because who doesn't love tilt shift lenses... right?

All the lights that light the way are blinding

2 things kept filtering through my mind when I sat down to write this evening: Everything will be OK and, Why am I not more inspired? That and... I wish I had drank something gluten free instead of that pint of grasshopper. So first. Everything will be ok. It's that feeling I get deep in my chest, a light in a dark tunnel that shows me that there is a something great on the horizon. I only get this feeling, in its most authentic form, when my heart and soul need a reminder. Life is pretty good these days. I am laying the foundation for great things ahead. It's not easy though. I find that day to day... it can be a struggle. In a newish and challenging roll at work I find I am putting 3 times the effort into every moment of my day to get 1/3 of the results I was looking for. It will all be ok. I am working on my personal life, using all the possible coaching I can and yet... well let's just say I am not beating off the suitors with sticks yet. My heart tells me, it will all work out. All the other little pieces of the puzzle... I've got them laid out in front of me but they haven't been put into place. Thank god my heart keeps beating, it will be ok.

Why am I not more inspired? Maybe because I haven't given myself the time or space. Well here it goes.

There aint no other friend like you

Best Friends. You know the ones? The ones who's voice you may not have heard since your last birthday, the ones you see once or twice a year if lucky but when you are together, in a room of any size, you are right back to where you left off, the laughter is infectious. My dearest friend is in town. She is right upstairs in fact. That is such a glorious gift as she actually lives on the very opposite side of the world. Having her in my home and near me again is like a spark of life to me. 2 peas in a pod. We indulged in wine and pizza tonight at our favourite restaurant in the city. It was simply like old times. Bursts of hilarity, so much food, so much love. I can't really express how good it is to have her in such close proximity!

Sigh. It's going to be a great few days!

When I want you I'll follow you.

The need to write, versus the desire to write, doesn't strike me as often as I would like. Tonight it came to me like lightening out of a clear sky. From almost sleep I was bolted awake by the need to put these thoughts to paper... or limitless cyber space (the first seems much more nostalgic and romantic).

Earlier today, in a snow soaked afternoon, I was sharing with my mum that I am not a risk taker. Oh sure, I have travelled, skied 'extreme' terrain, moved all over the world but these have been very calculated. I am quite certain of the outcome, at least to some extent before I agree to undertake the task at hand. When it comes to risk that I can't predict the outcome of I am less inclined to jump in. The exception to this rule was in Greece this summer. When I bolted up right to put fingers to keys my Facebook page was open. On my feed was a photo that one of my friends had 'liked'.  In this photo I was being helped from a pool atop a stunning hill over looking the ocean. One hand reaching up for that of the person helping me out and the other diligently clutching my dress to my breasts hoping that not too much of my undergarments and flesh were exposed to the wedding party and guests. This photo put into stark contrast the life I often live with the one I sometimes do. My weeks in Greece this summer were full of doing things that were risky. Things that by any standard of common sense shouldn't have ended up working out in any way. By any stretch of the imagination I could have been very sick, robbed or worse, and embarrassed my best friend in the world. In those moments, mind you many at the end of very long days in the Greek sun with a few beers, I was free from consequence and I acted based on what felt exciting, what gave me a rush, what I knew if I didn't do it there, in that moment, I would never have the chance to do again. THIS. This is how I will live my life.

oh yeah... this has been stuck in my head all day.

Just like raindrops, even though you're a million miles away

I always think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs in times like these. Times where I am fine with having no integrity because my ability to stay vertical during the day, function on very minimal rest and sap the last remaining drops of good health before crashing are the guiding force at the forefront of my cluttered mind. So my house of cards has blown over and the only thing left to do is cut my losses and sleep. Sleep. Like seriously sleep in past 6 am (which IS a sleep in folks). I need to sharpen the saw sort to speak. To rekindle the dying fire in my chest before it burns out completely. I have made the last week, 2 weeks, work. I have gotten by and given as much as I could, sometimes more, when ever I could muster it. I paid for the push in a lot of tear soaked drives to and from my beloved northerly mall, soundtrack- Journey. I let a lot of people down. I am so sorry if you were one of those my integrity crumbled with. I will apologize in person soon. In the mean time I will sleep. Get my life back together. Get my practice back on track. ALL in time for the  one thing that brings me so much joy. My twin sister back from Aus. Sigh. Long week behind, long week ahead. This time I will be prepared.

LOVE. LOVE TO ALL.

i'm just a dreamer but i'm hanging on

Yesterday a good friend dropped me a line. It's messaged contained simply this - "this reminds me of you."

What a gift! Something designed to touch, move and inspire? What more could a girl ask for. I delved in. Deep. I fell in love with every image. The ones of fingers on hands intertwined, the ones of funny girls in big glasses. The ones of love and hope and bravery. These ones.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one. But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

My practice. It sustains me. Clears my head. Makes me a higher functioning human being. I went to a class tonight, my first hot flow class in FAR too long. Funny enough all day I had been thinking about my previous store manager. I was thinking about the impact she had made on who I had become. On how much I enjoyed working the retail floor with her, how much I enjoyed our yoga dates, how much I enjoyed solving all the problems of the business with her over a huge glass of red wine. I was thinking, more than anything, that I had not seen her in forever and that I missed her. So anyway, I turn up to this hot class, prepared to examine all my muscles that hadn't been toned lately, prepared to debate passing out, and low and behold she was teaching. Turns out she was having a day eerily similar to mine. She had wanted to chat about my new role with the company, to touch base with me on where I was, what I was up to, any and all exciting news that had come up in the previous months. The connection brought so much joy to me. The stars of the universe had aligned.


The thing I love about hot yoga is that, like a good shower, if you need to cry no one really notices. There is so much sweat, smudged make up and expression of fortitude that no one would ever guess i was crying and not simply working really hard to stretch my hips in pigeon.  I am desperately trying to get over my ego in terms of waterworks but somedays I just really hate for other to know that not all is in control in my life. I was having a pretty great, pretty lazy day but after a few postures that really get into opening the chest and hips I had had it. Folded over my bent front leg, my back leg extended behind me Ben Harper came on to the sound system. The song has a place in me that tugs at the heart strings every time. It stirs in me memories of my summers on the coast, the air ripe with blackberry and campfire, the sun warming the dock where I would lie on my back and listen to my boyish crushes strum this song on their guitars, vibrations in my head as I hummed along, ocean beneath me, clouds streaking the sky above. Folded there on my mat tonight I felt a longing for those days, those people, realizing what I have let slip from my life. I had a really good cry into my mat and as I did I could feel the tension ease out of my hips like melted butter. Sigh. good night.

Reach the city steps tonight.

I don't take compliments well. I often blush, turn away, change the subject. Regardless of my reaction there are 2 types of compliment that make me more proud, happier, more willing to push forward, get better. 

Knowing I made an impact through training and that people learned, were enrolled and were inspired by what I had to pass on.

That people read this. That they enjoy it. That they hear my voice in it and that it brings something to their day beyond just the normal to and fro.

That is what makes me tick. That is what touches, moves and inspires me. Thank you. Thank you for listening.

but at least there's something beating in my chest

I suck at scrabble. I love to play but I am the kid that always comes up with the obvious 3 letter words. If I am lucky i will have a burst of inspiration and I will come up with a brilliant piece of the english language like... caged, or wins. This is ok. This is great even. It is such a great thing for me to relate to  my life right now. I will always be a beginner at something. I will always be learning and improving at something.

but at least there's something beating in my chest.

I am a member of the north folk and that could mess up any kid

I have been training and in training all week. It had been transformative and exhausting all at once. Today, though I learned so much. All the amazing people sitting in front of me, sharing their inspiring goals, their visions for where they will be in 10 years. I could see them popping, getting it. Actually integrating ideas that wont just help them be great at their jobs (which it will) but also be great at their lives. It was life changing for me. Not only did it drastically impact the way I train going forward but it has also allowed me see ideas put into action and their success. Amazing.

I am being developed so much by these truly great additions to the company... and they have no idea. What fun!

this is a song for no one.

There are people in my life who I admire. Who I put on a pedestal, who I hear speak so powerfully and with so much intention that all I can think to my self is... How will I ever be like them? How will I ever get to where they are?

Today I saw moments of that greatness in myself. I heard my voice, saw the way the people I was enrolling responded, and knew, in that second, that I WAS speaking with that power. With that intention. Now to be that in every moment. In every second.

That has lit the fire in me. My heart skipped a beat and I knew that I could spark the transformation in others that had been sparked in me.

mmm and now for sleep.

Pull Back the Chairs and Lie Down Low... lie down low.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

Does this resonate with you the way it does with me?

Life BEGINS. At the END. Of your comfort zone.  This is where I have been living for the past few weeks (you could probably tell) and I can tell you it is way more fun, way more exciting, way more challenging and exhausting than I had ever imagined. The startlingly beautiful thing is that I have gotten more out of and put way more into my life that I have in a long time. It is a little bit like waking up from a dream, things just seem to be happening at the right time in the right way.

If you had three, you'd give me two.

2 things refresh my soul. Mountains and Friendships. At the end of this week of growth and transformation a weekend that was saturated by both was more than I, or anyone, could ask for.

My heart is so full I feel it has grown three sizes and soon will no longer fit in my chest. Extraordinary.

Our purpose in Banff was two-fold. First we were cheering on the runners in the Winter Start race, trying to bring them some joy on the rainy cold night as they ran their hearts out. The second mission was to show our wise and golden friend from central Canada a little bit of why we all live in this changeable province. The fact of the matter is that very little is more fun than welcoming someone to their first Banff adventure. Re-exploring old haunts and plenty of "that's where I used to grocery shop, run, live, etc". Banff new comers also always remind me how lucky I am to live near our ruggedly comforting mountains. It is easy to fall in love with them all over again when your companion repeats how spectacular they are over and over again.

I have also been given a gift of friendship this weekend. It has been so comforting to solidify burgeoning relationships and re-forge old ones. My heart is warm by the love and support that was exchanged over the last few days.  One of my best friends has also been around more often. Living in BC we don't keep in touch as much as I would like but my inbox has been filled with a multitude of texts, songs, photos lately and it is the next best thing to having him close by. This is his latest gift.



 It has been such a week of discovery and it is made more wonderful by being topped of with great friends.

You just gotta ignite the light.

A dear friend once told me that elevating the world was exhausting. She was so right. I am on a high simply for getting my life back in my own control and so wiped I can barely keep my eyes open. It is a blissful exhaustion though, one that when I fall into my feathery bed I will sleep with no interruption, no -mares of any kind to cause unrest.

I am simply grateful right now. Grateful that my friends are lovingly allowing me to learn from my diminished integrity with them. Grateful for my golden lady who continues to coach me and give me the tools that will get me where I truly want. Grateful to myself for being open to all the coaching, the communication, the work that is already elevating me to be happy, to be joyful even. This is loving life. This is what lights me up.

The kids will just want a love song.

I have been MIA for a few days I know. I have been MIA from my own life for a while. Doing everything I could to get by, looking like I had it all together. Ok, not TOTALLY looking like I had it all together. Fortunately for my sanity and my relationships a switch was flipped. Tuesday morning I was given a gift.

What was supposed to be a simple goal coaching turned into a 2 (and a bit hours) of dealing with my shit. All that responsibility, stubbornness, not indulging in risk taking (or at least  not anything more than extremely calculated risk taking) was really just this lovely facade that meant I didn't really listen, was never really present. Basically I have been missing out on my own life. I was lucky enough to get some tools to alleviate these things and start to get back on track to getting what I want, to having the legacy that means so much to me. Funny enough it has already made me happier, made the tightness in my chest and that sinking feeling in my stomach ease up, even go away completely at times. Even more so, in 24 and a bit short hours, I found I am connecting to my friends, my staff, our customers on a level that is so much more supportive, genuine and impactful. I can't express in type how joyful this makes me. I am ecstatic.


 I never really understood how exhausting it is to be someone you are not.

Love.

I'm not finished, I could give so much more.

Today was long. As have been many of the last few days. I wrote that being passionate about something has its up sides and down sides. Long as these days have been there have been many ups. It is that transition time for so many people in my life it is hard not to be acutely aware of transition in your own.

Today I made a new friend. She is golden and wise and light and whimsical all at the same time. Really such a feat for someone who flew in from Toronto (you didn't think I would let this post go with out just a little friendly jab!). We went to yoga together and it is hard not to get inspired when a band you are deeply fond of comes on during some intense deep tissue stretching. It is something I want to use in my teachings, music people identify with, that draws them out of their chattering minds and back into the room, into them selves, into their core.

In addition (yes i am exhausted and scatter brained!) i am looking forward to tomorrow immensely!